Plane Rides

Plane rides are my favorite series of mixed feelings. People that have travelled with me on a plane knows how scared I could get. At least each of them have had their arms squeezed by me so tight that it turned red :) Hence, every flight felt like an achievement to me, that I could go through it, hence I could go through it again, and again. Although it sounds like feeding myself with pain, but yes, I would do it again, not merely to reach my travel destination, but to also feel the rush of blood in my heart & head:

It tells you that you can fly high up in the sky, but it also humbles you as to how little things became from up here. Cliche, but really, the tiny pearls and titles you owned means nothing from above. Your problems, your degree, your home & the place you work, are mere speck of dust from the sky. The great big ships carrying coals to run giant capitalistic industry looks like a white dot from an altitude of 32,000 feet. It teaches you to surrender too, because anything that happens up here, you are completely helpless and not in control. It teaches you trust to the pilot, the one who navigates the plane, moreover, it teaches you to trust Allah. To trust Allah's plan and invisible protection, that somehow, you will eventually reach your destination, inshaaAllah.

But meanwhile, it also teaches you not to focus on your destination. Plane rides gave you the time to pause. You are disconnected from the 4G network and therefore you are forced to interact within the radius of your seat. You begin to talk to the people next to you, get to know them a bit more, and basically--reconnect genuinely. And if you're like me, you would feel like you reconnect with Allah even stronger because you can't stop asking for His help to make sure the flight is safe :')

Plane rides taught me that every once in a while, you got to pause to see the blessings that you have with you already. Sometimes we are too focused about reaching our next goal, that waking up each day felt like a race against time. That is why the window seats are my favorite. It gave you a scenic view of Allah's creation during the pause. The multiple shades of the sky that triggers various kind of feelings: be it the clear blue sky, the comulonimbus cloud, the pink sunrise, the golden hour, the magical sunset, or even the night sky that allows the stars to shine so brightly (bonus when the moon appears). Oh so many surprises you can find! Not to mention your lense become similar to that of Maxar Technology space cameras. You are watching a live National Geographic documentary of the many landscapes of this Earth. The mountains, the meandering rivers, the sea, the capital skyline, and the rural patches.

Pause and see sideways. You parents are getting older, your children are getting older, your friends have new stories to tell you, you have attained more skills and you have grown wiser. Upon the delay on reaching your desired goal, see the parallel blessings that you can reap the benefits. Imagine what you could miss when you only have a tunnel vision?

Too many metaphors can be interpreted from a single journey of a plane ride. Despite how scared I got during the unexpected turbulences, I always want to go back up here. I would like to know how deep I can grow to have tawakkul in Allah's plan. Alhamdulillah for every blessings at the right time and the blessings that is to come.

-Written from the sky, with extraordinary sweaty hands, PAC 2022.

Ps: credits to the work trip that gave me the chance to pause, and Imam Omar Suleiman's podcast on 'Learning to Trust Allah's Timing', that have highly inspired this short writing.

Allah knows and it is enough

Allah knows and it is enough

安拉知道，这就足够了

Allah weet het en het is genoeg

Ο Αλλάχ ξέρει και φτάνει

Allah maha mengetahui dan itu cukup

アッラーは知っておられ、それで十分です

Allah sabe y es suficiente

والله أعلم وكفى

Аллах знает и этого достаточно

알라는 알고 그것으로 충분하다

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How beautiful are languages!

“And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed, in that are signs for those of knowledge.” (Surah ar-Rum, 30:22)

With 7,139 spoken languages today, each has their own unique characters, pronunciation, richness in vocabulary, poetic expression, art, and idioms. All the available words today, sometimes we can't even express what the heart feels that is so vague and abstract. Nor can we utter our prayers with all those list of supplication comprehensively: but Allah knows and it is enough :)

How soothing is it?

Ramadan dan Lebaran yang Ramai Lagi.

Hari Kemenangan -- sebuah judul untuk hari ini. Namun aku masih merasa sangat jauh dari kemenangan, atau mungkin boleh dibilang menang curang. Undeserving victory, atau murni reaching 1 Syawal 1443 karena His mercy. 29 hari meluap begitu saja, namun checklist ramadhan goals yang ditulis diawal bulan banyak yang terabai. Entah karena hiruk pikuk duniawi yang sulit digeser prioritasnya, atau kadar iman yang fluktuatif: (1) fokus yang banyak terbelah, (2) target juz yang tidak sampai, (3) rencana2 tarawih di masjid yang gagal, sampai (4) qadarullah datang bulan di H-1 idul fitri. Sudah 5 tahun tidak bisa solat Eid. 4 karena haid, 1 karena nyasar salah nyari alamat masjid di negeri perantauan hingga tibanya sudah terlambat. Istigfar, bulan ini jadi kurang afdol rasanya. Sedih, kecewa, dan sesak menyelimuti hari-hari akhir puasa sambil bergumam: apa ini bentuk dosa-dosaku yang tengah memberatkanku (halah)? Ingin rasanya merasakan lagi momen-momen spiritual high di tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Lalu aku membandingkan: tahun 2019, 2020, ramadan ku ada dalam perantauan di negeri penjajah. Asingnya lingkungan disekitar dan sulitnya wadah untuk menaungi kegiatan agama sehari hari justru membuat ku lebih khusyuk karena perjuangannya terasa. 2020 2021 juga tahun-tahun puncak pandemi, dimana nuansa kesendirian di dalam rumah turut memberikanku banyak waktu untuk muhasabah.

Alhamdulillah 2022 transisi endemi, jadwal bukber pun memenuhi agenda jam 6 sore hari hari ku. Circle SMP, SMA, kantor, kantor lama, saudara, dan teman-teman kuliah yang sukar dijumpai seperti terasa wajib untuk dilewatkan. Kadang menggeser waktu tarawih, ataupun jam-jam membaca. Astagfirullah aku, yang kadang sambil berangkat kerap menyalahkan diri sendiri karena terbuai peer pressure. Namun ternyata, rindu yang terbayar tuntas itu telah menukar banyak kultum pembelajaran kehidupan yang berbeda di setiap sesinya, antara lain (disclaimer: konten berisikan curcol & bercabang kemana mana);

(1) Alkisah di pertengahan ramadan aku berakhir pekan di Bali untuk menghadiri acara pernikahan teman yang asli dari Beng. Acaranya jam 5, pas maghrib buka disana. Hari itu bertepatan dengan malam purnama. Jalanan ramai dengan orang lalu lalang ke puri untuk upacara. Befriending seorang supir Bli Kadek yang mengantar hari hariku disana, sampai juga dia bercerita perihal sucinya malam purnama karena para dewa-dewi dipercaya turun ke bumi. Aku setuju dimana mana Qamar memang melambangkan kebesaranMu, batinku. Lalu ia melanjutkan, ‘saya senang bisa berbagi cerita keberagaman seperti ini, kemarin saya bawa tamu, satu mobil menertawakan pohon beringin yang katanya kedinginan karena dibalut kain saput poleng. Yah tapi gimana saya kan cuma nyetir aja.‘ Ya Allah, apa makna kemenangan, jika etika toleransi dasar masih begitu rabun.

(2) Loncat cerita, aku bertemu Nadya bersama anaknya, Lula, yang tiba-tiba sudah satu setengah tahun saja. Aku yang dianugerahi titel god-mother terkaget karena terakhir jumpa ia masih berupa boneka, tetiba sekarang berucap ‘gendong’, ‘makan’, sampai minta ‘gambarin sapi’. Nadya yang dulu temen jajan 24/7 dan teman berpertualang naik turun gunung bukit di penjuru proyek bisa-bisanya ngomong: ‘badan gue udah bukan punya gue lagi wkwkwk, sekarang kalau mau pergi makan, gue pesennya yang bisa dimakan Lula juga, bukan yang gue mau,’ katanya dengan template wajah senyumnya. MashaaAllah, disitu aku merasa ditampar ego ku yang masih ingin melanglang buana, meski kadang suka asal nyeletuk ingin punya anak. #respekuntukparaibu!

(3) Malam 21 ramadan, aku si tergesa-gesa pergi berangkat bukber kerumah Rana. Aku yang merasa sedang banyak distraksi setengah-setengah memohon kepadaNya sambil menyetir: 'Ya Allah, bantu aku mengingatmu lebih baik lagi di 10 hari terakhir bulan ini, apapun caranya.’ Lalu sampai juga aku di jalan kecil sebelum masuk kompleks Rana, yang dihiasi sebuah truk container besar yang nyangkut di bawah pohon. Ketika giliranku menyusul ke samping truk tersebut, ternyata sang sopir memutuskan untuk menginjak gas juga. Kretak, ...dum! Jadilah batang2 besar dari pohon tersebut patah dan berjatuhan. Qadarullah, dari sekian mobil yang ada, semua jatuh ke mobilku. Sekali, spion patah, dua kali, tiga kali, atap mobil terasa bergerumuh, hingga klimaksnya kaca mobil di kiri pecah. Panik takut pohonnya tumbang, aku pun loncat keluar. Ingat do’aku tadi?--ya, jadilah auto ingat Tuhan. Alhamdulillah masih selamat dan pecahnya bukan di sisi driver :’ dan untung tidak ada yang nebeng. Alhamdulillahnya lagi, tkp sudah sekian meter dari rumah Rana, jadi kawan-kawan sigap to the rescue. Di pinggir jalan terpampang rambu bahwa truk memang dilarang melewati jalan ROW 7m itu, namun nampaknya sang supir pasrah saja karena diarahkan oknum. Agenda bukber itu kemudian berubah menjadi misi negosiasi ganti rugi. (Terimakasih Karissa, Ran, Kev, & Bari; jubir-jubir karena aku sudah kicep dengan situasi.) Tapi akhirnya gak tega juga melihat supir yang dipojokkan oknum-oknum. Saya yakin dia juga sudah tertekan dari awal nyangkut. Jadilah agenda selanjutnya menjadi kegiatan refleksi diri: mengikhlaskan keadaan & belajar bergerak dengan lebih --mindful--

(4) Suatu hari aku berbuka bersama geng muay thai di Kemang Utara, rumah bu Icha, si psikolog anak psikolog keluarga. Sore itu terbagi dua regu selera: si penyuka manis, dan tim snack asin. Aku si sweet tooth alhamdulillah memiliki kulkas yang hampir selalu berisikan kue; yang jika ada tamu, kue lah yang akan ku keluarkan. Tapi ternyata tidak semua suka kue, dan tidak semua akan berkata jujur. Akhirnya terbongkar kalau Rana suka curhat ke teman-teman di tanah air kalau dia selalu pusing setiap aku sajikan kue dan teh di kosan dulu (mungkin Yasmin dan Wida sudah khatam).

‘Hahaha, semacam gesture cinta yang tidak bisa dipahami oleh yang diberi,’ kata Icha.

’Tapi lo gk pernah belajarr juga, haha,’ sindir halus Rana.

‘Beda love language aja gk sih,’ kata Dea, ‘atau gak compatible aja,’ canda Kevin.

’Eh iya itu apa ya istilah tepatnya Tan?,’ akhirnya ku bertanya pada tante mama psikolog.

‘Hmmm…,’ si tante mikir, ‘ya egosentris aja, menganggap semua orang melihat dan menyukai dunia dari sudut pandang yang sama,’ jawabnya tajam sambil tertawa.

Jleb, jawaban unexpected, tapi aku tidak pernah merenunginya dari sisi itu. Kami pun tertawa geli. Baiklah, mungkin sekarang saatnya belajar lebih banyak bertanya dan mendengar; daripada efforts gone wasted.

(5) Terakhir, usai suatu bukber di kawasan scbd itu, aku menarik Dira dan Canna untuk menikmati ruang publik-semi-private di lt. 8 Mall Ashta yang baru. Di Jakarta ini masih terhitung jari ruang cuma-cuma untuk dapat menghirup udara segar dan duduk-duduk santai sambil menikmati skyline kota ditengah hijaunya daun--terutama dengan penerangan yang aman (karena itu sudah malam). Diperjalanan, kami melewati toko dengan rupa estetik bernuansa kinfolk. Namanya Art & Science, yang setelah di skim&scan, ia menjual kartu konversasi yang menarik: Cards for Grown Ups. Spontan kami beli saja, hitung-hitung duduk santai nanti bisa lebih produktif dan bonding. Dan ternyata worth it, salah satu kartu yang diacak malam itu berisikan tugas untuk membacakan Eulogy pada setiap teman yang ada saat itu selama 1 menit. ‘Aduh gue bisa nangis, kita tulis yang lucu-lucu aja ya,’ kata Canna, sambil berusaha menulis bullet points agar semua momen penting bisa tersimpulkan dalam waktu 60 detik. Sambil berfikir, aku jadi tertegun (maaf, diri ini emang suka dibawa serius hal-hal). Whoever reads my eulogy later, he/she would only have a few seconds to sum up the impression that we gave in our life time. And that made me think--what mark have I left on the hearts of my closest ones? What if I left scars instead?

Alhamdulillah, begitu banyak perjumpaan yang bermakna sebulan kemarin. Entah mengapa begitu sulit diagendakan pada sebelas bulan lainnya, namun di ramadan yang akhirnya boleh mudik ini, seperti ada komitmen yang mengharuskannya terjadi. Ada perasaan aneh campur haru ketika bertemu lagi dengan seorang teman yang sudah berbulan-bulan atau tahun lamanya tidak berjumpa, and then finding out that they are not the same person as they were. Asam garam kehidupan masing-masing have made each grew in various ways. Lalu dalam benakku muncul justifikasi (atau alasan), untuk sedikit membasuh sesal melencengnya ikhtiar ramadan khusyuk di tahun ini: hablum minannas. Anggap saja itu tema bulan puasaku tahun ini, yang setiap sesi jumpanya cukup nano-nano dengan kejutan cerita dan kejadian. Dengan niat yang sama karenaMu ya Allah, I sincerely beg for Your mercy to accept my fast this year and the fast of those whom I encountered & care for ya Allah. Semoga dengan perginya ramadan ini, niat memperbaiki diri tetap di istiqamahkan, segala usaha dilancarkan, nikmat diberkahi, dan inshaaAllah diberikan kesempatan untuk bertemu lagi dengan bulan ramadan selanjutnya: dimana rasa kalah tahun ini, bisa dikejar lagi tahun depan. Mohon maaf lahir batin, dan selamat hari raya Idul Fitri 1443H! Semoga kita semua selalu dalam lindunganNya.

ABC prayers

Allah Almighty, I pray for;

Barakah in my days

Clarity on Your guidance

Divine intervention daily

Eternal focus, and not what’s temporary

Forgiveness from You

Grateful heart, to be content with Your countless blessings

Humility before Your decree

Ikhlas upon my ibadah

Jannah as the final home

Knowledge that is beneficial

Love and light in my actions

Mercy that encompasses all things

Ni’mah that comes from unexpected direction

Opportunities to do good

Purity in my intention

Qur’an in my heart

Righteous companion

Sabr over worldly trials and tribulations

Taqwa upon the truth

Useful state of being

Visions with virtue

Wisdom upon decision making

X -- I know no suitable word starting with X, may I surrender the things beyond my understanding to You

Yaqeen that You are in control of everything

Zakat that may clean the impurities of this soul

Amen.

To the faculty by which the mind stores and remembers information.

I had a phase where I tend to escape my memories (at least until recently) As I thought living on the moment is the ultimate solution to contentment; That the past--happy or sad--shall immediately be let pass

But it is not without purpose that You grant us these neuron ensembles With the ability to recall moments--that could spark the strongest heartbeat Or to redraw a scenery, so my brain cells have a picturesque wallpaper

---

So I thought, maybe I’ll write a memory appreciation post:

One that changed you for the better because it aches to replay it One that made you giggle in the middle of a serious conference One that reminds you that you achieved it before, so now you can do it again One that made you fall to your knees and pray because it is painful to remember Or one that is too precious that you wish it reoccurs

One that simply made you pass your biology exam as you memorize those latin taxonomies One that gave you a much-needed smile when going through a rough week One that brings laughter in a reunion table with your high school friends One that reminds you there is a life before the pandemic, ahah One that shed a tear so you learn how to let go One that made love grow because you remember their kind gestures One that benefits other as you share your insightful experiences One that store His verses, so you can recite it when you are lost

Alhamdulillah

For the visiting memories that make us sit and think To cherish for and to be grateful of To learn from and to build stronger To pause time and rewind back the moment you felt most alive

That’s all dear flashback bundle, Just please don’t pull me backwards?

Is life the art of constantly navigating the gifts that He has borrowed us with towards the right side? 

May He keeps on making our intentions pure.

A Feeling Beyond Time and Space

Is it strange, That perhaps you don’t miss a place, a person, or a thing But you miss a feeling You miss a certain state of your heart And when you try to seek that feeling on a memory Your mind transcends to a dimension of pulse To the time it beats the strongest

Only then the place, people, and things start to visualize

The things that the eyes can see Perhaps they have been secondary

//

What then might be the primary?

What if-- The place, people, and things do not begin to visualize It is a feeling left undistracted by other senses A feeling so concentrated in the heart

Once upon a moment of complete darkness Your eyes where shut, trying to feel His presence You sat helpless on a prayer

Perhaps, this is the feeling that I miss

The Equilibrium Baywalk

Once upon a time during my unemployment days, I had the chance to fill my time with a slight productivity before the skill I got from Uni went dull. Long story short, Judit found a competition brief to rejuvenate Penang Bay and managed to gather the six of us: Malavika, Marilou, Jun, Wida, and me--just around one month before its due. Last February, about 4 months after the submission (and after several emails about the announcement result delay), we finally heard that we received an honorable mention for the entry! Thank God! Although we did not win, we truly did not expect this one... Because, the winners did some serious effort you have got yet to check their works too: https://penangbaycompetition.com.my/winner/

But anyways, allow me still to share the gist of what we did:

[transitioning to linked-in style writing tee-hee]

In the near future, Penang is calling out for new stories through its livable, attractive, and environmentally just promenades where all living creatures could equally embrace the soft breeze of the sea. Apart from accommodating social interactions, these waterfronts also provide new spaces to stimulate ideas, experiment with technology, and execute sustainable innovations so that the community is ready to face future urban challenges. Public transport and infrastructures are being reconfigured to engage both locals and visitors to these destinations. Nature-based solutions are also utilised to protect the coastline from the rising climate threat and water quality issues.

To come up with an integrated vision, the issues are explored through the social, economic, and environmental aspects of Penang. Penang’s economy relies heavily on tourism, manufacturing, and agricultural sectors. However, at times of the pandemic, the agricultural sector has proven itself most resilient. The challenge is now to advance this sector while taking into account the need to provide affordable housing, as the demand is increasing while the land is scarce. Secondly is to manage the income disparity of the workers in the agricultural field to the business services and high-tech manufacturing workers at the mainland. Thirdly is to assure that the innovation would also minimize the impact of climate change. The geographical location of Penang has made it prone to climate threats such as the sea level rise, coastal erosion, and eventually flooding. The existing industrial area at the South of Butterworth is also to blame for the degrading river and sea water quality of Penang. These water-related challenges have not yet reached the awareness of many. However, the creation of appealing public spaces may allow these landscape to be more noticeable and that it may encourage conversations between the diverse society of Penang.

As we have considered the issues of the different domains, we believe that we could enable strong and resilient characters of the designed spaces. These critical problems are then resolved with our main sub-projects: Stimulate, Engage and Protect. First of all, a  conceptual framework is created by listing the possible variables of each project, the strategies that correspond to it, and the spatial interventions that follows. Afterwards, we took three critical sites which have the urgency of the issues and rehabilitation potential to apply our conceptual framework. They are the Unesco World Heritage listed site of George Town, the busy port of Butterworth, and the Jelutong landfill area. Stakeholders are being mapped at these pioneering interventions to induce collaboration on the implementation of the scheme. By fostering the interactions through the strait, we propose The Equilibrium Baywalk: a coastline trail for you and Penangites to discover what it means to live in a productive and resilient environment. Below are the intervention of our strategies on our chosen sites:

Just passing through

It was I think last Thursday; 

I was working from home, and I chose to sit with my laptop at the front terrace. It was a fine day, not so humid and not so hot, the sky was clear, and the soft breeze came to gave me some fresh air along with the flickering sun rays. Then a feather-like object flew pass my sight. It was floating effortlessly in the air. White, light, and bright--blown by the wind, and gently swinging sideways.

It was a pretty thing, so I tried to catch it. But my gestures only cause the air to blew it further. Then I tried again, this time with less force. However, this glowing thing kept slipping through my fingers. Swiftly, persistently.

What is this thing?

Impatient, I stood up from my chair, locked my eyes on it, and tried to capture it. I failed. Away I dragged my chair, and I tried again. I moved one step, and my both hands ahead--to clap and interlock it between my fingers. 

Finally, I captured it!

Then I opened my hand. I tried to touch this feather-looking-dust that is laying on my left palm with my right pointy finger. And poof! This peculiar object crushed itself into powder. The whole thing, instantly. Still looking at it, the afternoon breeze continued to blow these dust away from me. I did not get to know what it is… from where, of what, or how.

Disappointed, I sat back and thought: All the efforts of catching and admiring this distraction-- just vanished immediately when it is within grip...

(Ok really no such inspiring lesson here hehe but that white mysterious thing really made an entrance at that moment) . . . But is it that, sometimes we can not get what we want, or own what we love-- In order not to damage it, or damage ourselves?

Allah knows best.

We all sin differently.

As Ramadan is ending, allow me to ponder upon the prayer we made so very often in the last 10 days:

It is in our nature as a human to sin, be it intentionally or unintentionally, consciously or unconsciously--situational, or even forced to. Thankfully this prayer exist to purify ourselves, over and over again. It will always be easier to spot others sinning, rather than reflecting on our own. It is indeed easier to spot people's flaw, rather than seeing their struggle behind. This post is a self-reminder. Being an ENFJ--the judging nature often came creeping in without being asked.

I had this conversation post our weekly muay-thai exercise with Rana, Dea, Icha, and Kevin. It was when Icha asked, 'do you feel like living abroad gave more challenges to your imaan (faith)?'. And so I nodded, 'well there were some new boundaries I had to figure out, like refusing casual (alcoholic) drinks in the best of manners,' and then Rana jumped in, ‘umm I don't think that was a challenge for me at all…'. And so the rest of the room laughed, seeing my immediate scrunched up eyebrows. Don't worry, Rana said that very lightly and meant no harm, she is such a pure soul that could easily brush off any temptations. Afterwards Dea said, 'I guess it is different for everyone, maybe it is hard for you with the peer-pressure, but easier for you on the deeds elsewhere.'

Just like enjoying different hobbies and having different talents, we are all tempted by different things. You see it being easy for you, so you judge others who can not do it by your standard. Whereas you conceal what you are struggling with, which others can cope with it effortlessly.

But then, do you see Almighty’s Greatness right there? How He can beautifully narrate the different traits of us human being with such different composition of strength and weaknesses? With 7.8 billion people in 2021 only--I can't help but wonder the infinite possibilities of His creation, mashaaAllah. Composed of totally different life scenarios which would mold each of us so very uniquely, how could we even begin to compare? Indeed He is Al-Bari, Al-Mushawwir. For every individual is created by the Lord who also created the galaxy. With our finite mind, who are we to even dictate one’s shortcoming?

Anyway, it is 1 Syawal 1422H tomorrow. Eid Mubarak to my fellow muslims! With this reflection, I would like to end this with: minal aidin wal faidzin, mohon maaf lahir dan batin. My apologies, to the souls I have encountered, for my actions that might have caused you pain. May Allah elevate your ranks in return, and may He guide us to be a better version of ourselves in the coming year.

P.s: please keep the Palestinians in your prayer, for they risk their lives each day, protecting their own home and our beloved Masjidil Al-Aqsa even during Eid :’(

Miracles of Ramadan

Since I made this tumblr nearing the start of the fasting month, I would like to dedicate my second post to the miracles I have experienced during the holy month of Ramadan. Disclaimer, this may sound rather like a personal spiritual reflection…

And this brings me back to the Ramadan I had in 2019, one that I thought would be the hardest, but Allah made it one of the easiest. --- It was on May, close to the summer solstice, when the day in the northern hemisphere was notably long. I was still living in the Netherlands, and so the fasting hour was long: it would begin at 3:00am CET before sunrise, and ends at Maghrib (sunset hour, the time when we broke our fast) which would call at around 9:30pm CET. Yet, in that month, I had to travel even far north to Tromsø, Norway; for a course study trip that worth 15 credits of my masters. A place where the sun does not even set. Of course it was trip I highly anticipated on, coming from Indonesia, trekking the vast snowy mountain range of the arctic is indeed listed somewhere on my bucket list. On the other hand, I was worried that the trip would ruin my rituals in Ramadan. It crossed my mind to skip a few days of fasting, especially that my family convinced me I was actually eligible to have the exception of not fasting, considering I was a ‘musafir’ (meaning traveler--in which in Islam they may be excused for not fasting). Although, referring to the old tales, its not like I resembled the musafir that spent days on a camel travelling through the dry desert of Sahara in a mission to deliver an important message to….. ok lets not go into that. But anyways, I had my doubts. And as far as I remembered, no one on the trip was fasting too, so I was reluctant.

But somehow my heart whispers: no. don't compromise. keep your fast, because-- I don't actually know because of what. But I felt I really wanted to challenge my faith at that time. And subhanallah, as I set the intention firm, it felt like the world rotated to my favor (at least in my perspective):

1. It was with Ingrid, Judit, Malavika, and Nicole that I shared the cabin with during the extended road trip days. I actually hesitated to let them know as I did not want my routine to disturb them, such as having to wake up early for sahoor or seeking my iftar food in the rural north. But after I let them know, they had my sahoor and iftar food prepared, asking what is halal for me to eat, and say things like 'we won't let you eat bad food after having to starve all day'. Tears! I did not expect such help and tolerance.

2. As I mentioned, the sun only set halfway before it rises back up again in Tromso, Norway. And that’d be around 1 am. So I decided to break my fast at 8pm, following the time of the nearest Muslim country. I don't know how, but I managed to fast that lengthy hour, even on the day where we planned to go trekking up the mountain. Not a recommended activity during the fasting month, but how can I miss an opportunity I may not get another time? Indeed, there is no way a strength like that came from any other but the Creator. I never trained myself to hike, let alone in the fasting month? The exhaustion from the long walk also disappeared instantly as we found a picturesque waterfall of 100 meters tall that is so beautiful I instantly fell to my knees and cried (hehe). MashaaAllah. The moment itself was the most remarkable gift I ever had.

3. We spent most of the time on the road roaming around the site of our fieldwork. Ingrid and Judit were the two taking turns driving the wheels. They always offered to stop every time its my praying time. And the place where I stopped? It's always in the middle of nowhere -- a truly scenic, mesmerizing, *insert more bewildered adjectives here* Norwegian landscape which overwhelmed me as I begun thinking how would ‘a better place than the earth’ look like.

Please allow me to share the view that kept sending me shivers back then (I swear they are better in real life!):

In the end what really what got me was: I don't think it was my even my will anymore to have the determination to keep fasting.

But it was Allah who did not want me to skip it, and he made every situation easy, possible, and beautiful for me to enjoy doing the worship. Alhamdulillah. And so that remained as a precious memory.

The Ramadan in 2019 changed my perspective on how I view obstacles and how to have taqwa (full trust) on Allah when you have already set your intention straight. This helped me to go through the Ramadan in 2020, which was at the start of the worldwide lockdown, as He blessed me with a tiny circle (Hi Wida, Yasmin, Widya, etc!) to quarantine together and venture on a journey inwards. But that’s another story. I pray that you too shall experience the miracles of Ramadan, or get you flying to the Arctic Norway (again if you already have!), and for those of you who are fasting in this pandemic Ramadan--may Allah make it easy for you and grant you barakah in all your efforts.

Ramadan Mubarak,

PAC

Prologue

[Bismillah]

I finally gave in.

I finally gave in to writing--

I admire people who write their mind, heart, and souls out; for I did not have the courage to do so. It felt, too direct. Straight up, point made. For an image could depict a thousand word, (as they say), so I prefer running in to that medium. It could be of multiple interpretations, hence shying away from the actual argument.

Yes, I feared critiques. That one's opinion would be too shallow, that I'd disappoint the other party, that 'these things have had been discussed plenty times', or things like--'who is she anyway to speak of these matter?'. Gosh, yes, slap me virtually.

I tend to borderline failing my writing exams during the school days, be it English or Bahasa. Also in Uni days, essays were not my forte. They would drag my average mark down. Hence, I hesitate to write every now and then. Meanwhile English, as my second language, somehow allowed me to express more bluntly--perhaps a first language would have exposed too much vulnerability.

But lately, I could not stop my heart from constantly wanting to put itself out there, raw. For it wants to spark conversations with minds alike. It wants to grow, accepting critiques, and voice out things that matters. And this body is sorry to have had been silencing it. But first, I'd like to thank yasmijn.tumblr.com & @rubbersouled for whether they realize it or not, they gave me the confidence to write things out.

So bear with this starter, for I see a long road that I plan of not stopping.