Strange Truth

Some weeks are so busy that you remember explicitly the events of its of its day, a week after their occurence. This is the best way to experience life, but it happens quite rarely as you spend most of your days doing things that don't really inspire or better you.

Gloucester Cathedral by Gary Howells

I think I'm getting the hang of this. :)

I saw a great artist's timelapse of a game concept drawing on reddit while listening to A Day To Remember - Violence (Enough Is Enough). Thought I'd try to make a digital painting. This turned out great for my first time.

evening ramble

I've spent my entire life being the second hand; the loser, the average body, the social catastrophe. I've been through the extremes of too cheery to too much of an asshole. Obviously none of the two worked for me and for who I wanted to become, but there's a bigger problem and I just said it. I didn't know who I wanted to become. Do I know now? Maybe.

What do I want to find in myself? What do I want to succeed with in my life? What do I want other people to describe me as?

These are the main traits I'd like to acquire at a point in life.

Stability, mainly emotional. Ever since a kid I have crash dived into panic attacks for the most minor issue. I haven't had one in about 2-3 years but some incidents still make me choke up (for example, being scolded for not having studied or something similar).

Success. Most people would put this one at the top but I can't succeed if am not stable enough to fight through the hardships that success comes with; a skyscraper needs very solid foundation to maintain its height. 

Now you'll say "just two traits?" but I assure you that everything else I want to achieve in my life is included in these two.

Stability is broken down to:

Socializing better (I'm already 1305813 times better than I was in the past but I can use some getting better at it)

Juggling recreation with creating art and working. Real world example that happened yesterday: I had to study a lot. I was home at 16:00 and had time until 18:30 to study before I left home again. I spent ALL THIS TIME on the internet, except for the final quarter (18:15) where I hastily read through my notes and solutions to the math exercises I had to solve.

Obviously there's a problem here; I distract myself and then lose sight of my original goal, putting short-term enjoyment and procrastination before the benefits of studying that will show themselves in time (and in the final exams).

Before I continue the bullet points of stability, let me talk about this (studying) a bit more. 

I absorb things quick but I tend to not do the exercises I am supposed to as to make these absorbed things become knowledge that is hard wired into my brain.

So, stability in programming my day; a good program makes sure I study as much as I want to and that I spend my time doing things I actually have pleasure indulging into (creating music, drawing, maybe watching a movie or listening to an album).

Staying strong in an opinion or a belief is also something I'm getting better at; I used to speak my mind out and then take it back when I found out that someone had different views or was offended by mine in some way. I must make myself a person who doesn't give a damn what others think; my opinion is MY opinion.

Patience related to receiving the fruit of one's labour.

Success has many similar points with Stability (they'll be written in parentheses) and is broken down to:

Meetingwomen is not something I have problem with; rather it's the whole not ending in the friend zone thing (bane of my existence) that I want to work on. (Socializing)

Achieving a long worked-for goal such as getting a satisfactory score in a final exam (Juggling) or shedding off the pounds of weight that have been holding me down all my life.

Getting a job (after university) that is related to my interests (anything related to computers or/and music).

I'm sure there's something I'm missing or forgetting; if I remember something I'll either add it to this list or make a new post about it. This was my better self rambling. As opposed to morning ramblings where I just blurted out whatever first came onto my mind I actually thought about what I was going to type next.

Before I forget; here's a mini-list of things that I want to achieve that fall into both or neither of the above 2 categories that I listed above:

Stop talking/boasting about myself or my achievements when talking to people just because I want to feel better for myself.

Show more respect without losing my strength in the conversation.

Be less of a condescending asshole.

Stop self-pity.

Get more fit.

Expand wardrobe into more than t-shirts and jeans and more colours than black.

Get more balls for my pants.

rambler out.

my new year's resolution

kinda late, but here's my new year's resolution:

1920x1080

funny ideas

putting clothes on or taking them off broken down as WarioWare Inc style minigames.

devices that record our life and thoughts from our eyes and ears; some people decide to stream their lives. some have pay-only streams, and some stream for free but they stream what happened two days before the present, so that they add a premium package where you can pay to see what happens AS it happens in real-time. 

many say that people shouldn't reblog from this blog because the definitions are made up, but in my opinion those people have completely lost the meaning of it. even its author has said that words become real and meaningful once you give them that meaning.

opia

n. the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable—their pupils glittering, bottomless and opaque—as if you were peering through a hole in the door of a house, able to tell that there’s someone standing there, but unable to tell if you’re looking in or looking out.

songs that stick in our ears

it's not very rare for me to wake up one morning with a different song stuck in my head. it's such a magical thing. many people says this "song bug" annoys them; I LOVE IT. it's yet another excuse for me to pop that song on repeat everywhere I go until I get bored of it and have it stuck in my head again a few weeks later. it's like my brain says "GIVE THIS TO ME" and then it's like "ok I don't want it anymore" and then a few weeks later it says "OK I LIED I WANT IT BACK"! it's pretty funny if you think about it. 

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

you :)

the fear: what dreams can be

today I dreamt that I was trapped inside my own fears. I really don't remember what these fears were; but I know that I had a knife (in the dream) and when I saw certain things I attacked them and I knew every time I did they would get worse. basically the environment was a corridor-like place. each time I progressed I open the door in the room I was and entered a room with a new "fear". the final fear had a massive door and "fear" himself (a person) was there to tease me. I opened the door and found myself in the house of relatives of mine. tons of relatives of mine were sitting at different rooms. this made me so terrified – I subconsiously knew what I feared – that I started shaking until I woke up. am I hiding something from myself or are dreams making me insane?

holding us back

the new year began but it feels like nothing is really different. recently I noticed that something is holding back humanity. suddenly no one is really interested in the new year anymore; everyone goes to clubs and parties to stand still and stare at their cellphones. no one is in the mood to really party yet they dress and prepare and invite people and pay entry fees. so what is the point of doing that? it's like buying ski gear and then going to the snowy mountaintops only to sit at the cafes there and not ski at all. the entire world is going boring; we can't change it. we can't change it.

it's time.

today school starts. i know i haven't updated in a long time. that's because in this side of the world, people my age begin private tutor classes in order to be successful at the school finals. it's the final year of school for me. i'm ready. let's do this. in 9 months I will be a free man.

the fest: day one

music saves us. today was the first day of an annual music youth festival that takes place in my town. i've been part of it in previous years, but this year I chose to be a spectator and it paid off for the best. i met an incredibly astounding amount of people in such little time that I couldn't remember the names of half the people I met! but that's ok, because now I have so many more people to talk to. everytime I saw someone I know with someone I didn't know, I immediately introduced myself to them. this led me to meet some interesting gentlemen and some interesting ladies. also: I DANCED LIKE A MADMAN. never be afraid to approach people. i approached someone I met that day and we talked, danced, moved, touched like we knew each other for years. it's an incredible experience that I hope all of you will have one day. no illness can hold me back. i'm invincible. i can do everything as long as I want it. it's been a great day and i just can't believe how much people are surprised when you act friendly with them even if you barely know them! at one point I gave my hand to someone I had never seen to my life prior to that point and told her "let's dance!", but she blushed a LOT and declined politely. i didn't mind. i didn't mind at ALL! never be afraid of trying new things especially at music festivals. music unites people. without music we would not be a civilization. it soothes and relaxes the mind, it tenses and gives power to the body. dancing is not my strongest selling point; I have no idea how to dance at all. but I didn't care either. my body rocked back and forth while I was holding their hands and so did theirs, and that's all that mattered. we enjoyed the music, we moved back and forth. we would be nothing without music. I am sure of it. never be afraid to try these new things, these approaches. they can be unbelievably good for your mental health. this is what you should strive for now that you're young. or later, when you're old. as long as the music is playing, the party is on. music saves us.

just one person

sometimes it's all simpler than it seems, but sometimes it's not. what is in your hand is to decide how you're gonna take advantage of every situation that occurs. i just wanted to stress how important it can be to meet new people. your entire perspective on how you know yourself and the world around you can be changed by ONE person in just a few seconds. that is all. don't ever be afraid of something if you can handle it. sometimes it's all simpler than it seems, but sometimes it's not.

leaving things unfinished

there are a lot of instances in this life where you want to chicken out and leave everything without ever thinking about it again. what people tend to forget, though, is that things aren't always what they seem. there's just not enough time in the world to be angry at people. never hold grudges against anyone. i'd love to say that I've never turned a situation against me because of what's going on in my head, but that would be a straight up lie. every day I'm fighting to make myself better, yet I still tend to do stupid things. that's just how some people work, right? what I'm saying is not that no one ever changes, rather that it's a very slow process that will only complete when a huge event occurs in that person's life. so I just want to say one thing to people who I've hurt: i'm sorry. i never had the intention of damaging our relationship, or your relationship with others. although I tend to back out more than I have to, and I grasp less opportunities than I should, I always get a second chance. but one day that will stop. that will stop and I'll be left behind, alone. alone. there are a lot of instances in this life where you want to chicken out and leave everything without ever thinking about it again.