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maplecornia · 10 days

Text

chapter six

word count :: 2.64K

pairing(s) :: taehyung x female!reader | mingi x female!oc | hyunjin x female!oc | jimin x female!oc | jungkook x female!oc

genre :: romance | slice of life | fluff | angst | idol au

summary :: "is it worth it to be selfish?"

The world is cruel.

You've always known this. You've experienced it firsthand, saw the innocence of your childhood naivety fade away as you became a victim to just how cruel the world could be. It is a well-known fact we are warned of from birth, a fact which we accept and are rendered helpless to change, no matter how much we wish it. We live our lives dancing around it, hoping that we are so lucky to never experience it, praying that we can preserve our rose-colored lenses and keep them from shattering beneath the weight; no matter how foolish it may be to wish for it.

However, it is a different kind of cruelty you experience now as you scroll through the tags on your phone across multiple social media platforms.

Hatred is to be expected from any celebrity, and any person who finds themselves heavily scrutinized beneath the public eye. Though it is a sad fact that only speaks to the worst parts of our humanity, it is a fact nonetheless, and you were aware of it long before you signed that contract. Especially after the stunt you pulled a few months ago, you had grown to expect it, knowing it was bound to come in waves.

Countless people cursing your name, making assumptions about your character and who you are when they wouldn't know the first thing, faceless names flashing across the screen screaming profanities and insults that go further than the ones you had tried to prepare yourself to hear. Words that cut deep and true every time you come across them, finding their mark and lodging themselves deep into your heart, in a way you had never expected them to.

They are no different than words you had heard before, no different than the voices that speak their poison into your mind when you find yourself at your weakest, but it is somewhat worse to see them materialize in front of your eyes.

Perhaps that is the difference.

That the worst parts of yourself are what they see. That it's not just in your head. That they are right, even when they are wrong. They speak on your insecurities, your faults, your secrets, the things you have tried so hard to keep buried deep in your mind. They whisper the things you yourself have whispered in your mind. Words meant to cut as deep as they can. Words created to wound and injure.

Perhaps that is why they're so cruel.

Because they are truths you cannot find within yourself to accept as real.

"What are you doing?"

You are quick to hide your phone as Melody walks up behind you, but she has already seen the comments. She has been watching you for a while, seen the way the look in your eyes changed, the way you began to tense, your finger shaking each time you pressed it to the screen to scroll to the next comment. She knows that when you turn to her, the smile on your face is to hide the dull look in your eyes. That your laugh is not one of surprise, but apprehension as you fumble to turn off your screen and place your phone safely out of her sight.

"Nothing really." You clear your throat when she comes to sit next to you, avoiding her careful stare. "Just surfing the internet."

"Right." Melody can't help but scoff as she pulls her legs up on the bench, crossing them precariously. "You're lucky you still have your phone, I remember how hard it was when they took mine."

You smirk, recalling the chaos that ensued that first month while Melody prepared for her debut. She had already moved into the dorms at that time, but given the overprotective nature of your mother, and the fact that she was still a high school student at the time, it was extremely stressful for both of you when you couldn't reach her. Since you were working at Melody's company at the time, your mother used to rely on you to bring home-cooked meals to her dorm, sneak in calls and updates whenever you could, and check up on her from time to time to make sure she was doing well.

That was a month before you left her the first time.

Stealing a glance her way, you wonder how you could have been so blind to her pain back then. You were meant to look after her, and yet you left the minute it was the most ideal. All because you were so focused on your own jealousies and insecurities watching her achieve the dream you had fought so hard to build, you had almost forgotten she worked just as hard.

You had fooled yourself into thinking you left her behind for her sake, but you were just a coward. Running away the minute it gets too hard like you always do.

You stare at the phone you had been twirling absentmindedly in your hands, catching your pathetic reflection on the screen.

Perhaps you deserve all of this. After all, it is nothing less than what your sister had to endure. At least you have someone to lean on, at least you know there are people who are there to support you. She lost that the minute you abandoned her to face the cruelties of the world alone. Is it not right that you should carry the same burden alone?

"Do you think they're happy?"

You pause at the soft question, following Melody's gaze to see her watching Jocelynn and Jimin bicker over who should load her boxes into his trunk. They've been at it for a while now and have barely managed to load three boxes into the trunk, two of them snuck in by Jocelynn when Jimin wasn't looking.

Jimin came by a couple of hours ago to help the three of you finish packing and was going to drive Jocelynn home and help her unpack while you and Melody headed home.

"They look happy." You smile softly as you watch the two of them, the smile on your mother's face warming your heart.

"Just because someone looks happy doesn't mean that they are." Melody murmurs, and you turn to her. She doesn't meet your eyes, but you can see the strange, somber look on her face as she watches the scene. "You know that better than anyone."

The words don't cut as you had thought they would, but perhaps they were not meant to. They feel more like a plea. A desperate request to stop hiding around her, to take off the mask and show her everything you had thought you were protecting her from.

Somehow, that hurts more than the vicious words she has said in her anger.

Somehow it cuts deeper than any knife ever could.

For she has seen the side of you you have tried so hard to hide, and you were not able to protect her as you had once promised her you would. Her rose-colored lenses shattered the minute you left her side, and there is no going back to how it was before.

You swallow hard, looking away.

"I think they are happy, they're just scared."

Jimin wins the argument when he's able to snatch the massive box behind Jocelynn and hurries to load it into the car, blocking her current advances to do it herself. When Jimin returns and snatches the box Jocelynn carries in her arms with a sweet smile, she can't help but laugh, rendered helpless to fight him when he carries it to the car.

"Of what?"

"To admit their feelings. Both to themselves and to each other." You smile sadly, wondering how long the smiles they wear now will last. Wondering what obstacle they'll encounter on their path to finding a way they can hold each other in their arms without having to apologize for it. "They've already brought each other so much pain, I can only imagine they're wondering if it's worth it to be selfish."

"Is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Is it worth it to be selfish?"

You freeze at the question, staring straight as the two of you find yourselves unable to stare at each other. Almost afraid to face the truth.

Melody has half the mind to take back the words, words she had never meant to say in the first place, but her anger and pride get in the way. They lead to her hands tightening around her legs, digging deep into her skin at the reminder of her sister's betrayal. A reminder that refuses to leave her subconscious no matter how many times she wishes she could forget. No matter how many times she wishes to stay by her sister's side and go back to the way things were. But this is not something they can just brush away as water under the bridge.

You know that just as well as she does.

"Melody--"

"If you say you're sorry one more time, I swear to God I'm going to lose it."

You scoff, running your fingers through your hair in frustration.

"I just...I don't know what you want me to do."

"How about pausing for one second to think about how I feel?"

You turn to her, finding her gaze focused intensely on her clasped fingers around her knees. They fidget with the holes in her jeans, playing nervously with the stray strings of the fabric. You wish you could take her hands into your own and hold tight to them until her nerves fade away and she is able to look at you again and see the sincerity in your eyes.

"What are you talking about? I care about how you feel."

But she doesn't need to.

After all, she can hear the sincerity clear as day in your words. She can feel it, hot and intense on her skin as your eyes plead with her to look your way. She knows you care, sometimes more than you care about yourself. She knows you blame yourself, she can see as the guilt eats you up inside day after day, can feel it in every look, every glance you send her way.

That's why it hurt so much, why it still hurts.

"It's not about caring, it's about understanding, and you don't understand, you haven't even tried to." She shakes her head, taking a shaky breath, her voice heavy with tears as she continues. "Yen, you were my everything. You were more than a sister to me, you were my best friend, the one person I thought I could always rely on no matter what. And then the moment I needed you the most, the moment where I was at my darkest, you just left me behind."

You were someone who loved her, cared for her before anything else. You helped raise her, she relied on you, trusted you with her life, did everything for you because she knew you did the same for her. You always thought of her before yourself, always put her first, always willing to give up your happiness for hers every time.

You still do, even as she actively tries to push you away.

And yet, it was still easy for you to leave her behind.

"Do you know how that feels? Watching the person you trust most in the world, the person you've admired ever since you could understand the word, just leave like it was nothing? Like I was nothing?"

When your sister was born, you knew it was your job to protect her. You did everything to make sure she was never hurt and tried your best to keep her from the cruelties of the world. So much so that you put aside your own needs, your own selfish desires, gave up on what was best for yourself in order to give her the life she deserved. The life you were never fortunate enough to indulge in.

You would have never thought you would be the reason she crumbled beneath the weight the world put on her shoulders. You would have never allowed it. And yet, it was your selfishness and your fault alone that led to her downfall.

"I never intended to make you feel that way."

"You didn't speak to me for months." Melody scoffs, the smile on her face faint and bitter. "The first I heard from you was when you were calling me because our mother had been assaulted, and that was days after you had already known!"

"Melody I--"

"I understand why you did what you did. I understand why you felt it was the best option for you, and why you felt like you had to escape." This time, when she looks your way, her eyes are not full of anger and hatred. They are instead full of an immense wave of bitter loss and blame that she cannot direct to anyone else but you. "But you can't even stop pitying yourself long enough to understand my side."

Her lips shake when she smiles, chuckling a little at the look on your face. So full of regret and shame that she cannot stand to look at it for too long, lest the very same guilt that eats at your insides begins to afflict her as well.

And as she shivers, hurriedly wiping away her tears, you wonder if you should hug her. If she would let you, for just this moment, hold her and comfort her until you knew she was going to be okay again. Is that even your place anymore? Are you even allowed to hope that she will one day let you resume the supporting role you had so faithfully carried on for her up until this point? That you can somehow build up the trust you had lost the minute you stepped out of that door?

But before you can answer any of those questions. Before you can muster up the courage to reach out your hand, just to see if she will take it, the bus arrives, screeching to a stop in front of you. Your hand falls to your side, and her tears are gone, reduced to a small sniffle as she stands.

"You didn't just hurt me, Yen. You betrayed me." When she looks at you, smiling sadly over her shoulder, you know there is nothing you can say, nothing you can do right now to reassure her. "It's not something I'm going to be able to get over."

What's done is done, and this time, it is she who leaves you behind. She looks behind, only once, a cold and indifferent glance over the shoulder before she turns to the driver.

"She's not coming." She says, plain and simple before turning away and finding her seat on the bus. When the bus driver looks to you for confirmation, you nod, watching helplessly as the doors close in front of you and they drive away. And as you pull your eyes away from the retreating vehicle, it is only then that you see Taehyung, waiting for you across the street.

You can't help but breathe a sigh of relief when you spot him, smiling softly at the way he leans against the side of his car, scanning the street for you. You can't help the warmth that blooms in your chest when those eyes finally catch yours and he grins, waving you over to his side.

And you realize you can’t answer Melody’s question.

You don’t know if your selfishness is worth it. You don’t know if you’ll someday grow to regret it. All you know is the jump in your chest when his eyes meet yours. The flush in your cheeks as he smiles your way. The desire deep in your heart as you long to run to him and hold him in your arms always. All you know is the heavy want to hear him call you mine.

If that makes you selfish, then you suppose that is what you are. You suppose that is your deepest wish. To be selfish for just a little while longer. To be allowed to stand by his side even if it means you will grow to regret it. Even if it means you will have to face the world’s cruelty for the rest of your days, you wish to do it.

For that is all you can hope for.

Just a little more time.

CH.07 coming soon

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