Fun day with these angels yesterday ❤

photographer: anna shvets

Remember. You’re too fine to be someone’s “Maybe” ✨

I sometimes think about what kind of old lady I will be and I think I'm dead set on what kind I'm going to be. I'll be the one escaping the nursing home in a leather jacket to go to the bar to day drink beer and telling whoever hunts me down thats it's 5pm somewhere. 😅🤣

Last night's little midnight snack.

Cheese and salsa nachos in bed. 😊

This was a well deserved drink today after I became so angry I started laughing, thats when people should be afraid of me, I ended up at my parents house and my dad fixed me a cocktail and my mama gave me a john smiths to wash it down.

It's amazing how dust can settle, you remove people from your life and they can still find a way to try and threaten your happiness. Not that I was worried this time because the words hold no weight in my life. People will try to pull shit out of spite when they are powerless.

Here is a slight smile. I am getting there. (Today excluded, today I was in a blazing rage) 😅🤣

Aura had her heart absolutley broken for the first time today.

And it wasn't by a boy, it was by her best friend which absolutley killed me inside because I know how close her and her best friend are, they have been best friends and completely inseparable since they met when they were both two years old. They went to nursery together, they walk to school together, they're both usually together after school and sometimes before school they even meet up to get ready together and even spend most weekends having sleepovers at our house or hers. This is categorically the most worried I have been about Aura experiencing anything because she usually tells me everything but she hasn't said much on the situation at all tonight, like it chokes her, she just can't and I know that feeling well.

What happened was awful. For Christmas Aura had asked for skin care, it's what she loves, she loves feeling fresh so Lee bought her some bubble and I bought her a big beauty bay skin care box, more bubble and some Sol de Janeiro ect... VERY EXPENSIVE but it's just what she wanted and it's what she got and she was absolutely blown away that she got it all. Tonight she came into my room because we have spent the last few night playing through a video game together and she tells me "mam, all my expensive skin care is gone, I thought it would be in my room and maybe fell behind my drawers but it's not." So I say "don't worry, I'll come help you look for it" so I did and I can find anything, it's a legit skill of mine and I just could not, it was very clear it's gone. I ask Aura who has been in her room around the time it's gone missing and she told me some names, I get my phone and the girls have a lot of the same stuff so I just message the parents of the kids that have been in her room and say "hi, could you ask _____ if she has picked up some of Aura's skin care by accident?" And we start having a conversation about if it was possible that one of her friends had stolen it and I was like "look this is the main girl that's been in your room, do you think she could have taken it?" And she was like "no it won't be, she wouldn't do that."

About 15 minutes later there's a knock on the door and it's Aura's best friend with her hands full of skin care and her mam who looked something between embarrassed, fuming and gutted and started apologising and explained that she had stolen it. I swear I just saw Aura's heart just sink. She took the skin care back out of her best friends hands didnt say a word and just went up to my room and just removed herself from the situation and I knew she was heart broken and felt stupid.

When they left I immediately went upstairs and just found her silently crying trying to face away from me and I just turned her around, pulled her into a hug and just started telling her she wasn't stupid for trusting somebody or feeling hurt because of this because she was her best friend in the whole wide world. They've been inseperable for years and this was a huge blow to her trust in others. Even though I am her mother I know that when you are a ten year old child your friends are your whole world, its them over anything or anyone else.

Even after this Aura showed such emotional intelligence and maturity it was actually unbelievable, I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, she said no and I asked her if she had told a friend and tried talking to them she said "I'm only telling ____ because I know she won't tell anyone else what she did and even though she stole my stuff I don't want her to end up with nobody." And I have never been more fucking proud of my child in my life, she blew me away, She could of been spiteful and would have had every right but instead she chose kindness.

Auras little fluffy fan club 😂

🖤😥YAAAAY 💕😍

Today I am having a evening of frustration and sadness to the point where I just want to scream. I came home from work, I got a bee in my bonnet and I was in the mind frame of "I need to do this, I need to do that" so I cleaned and organised the kitchen. I keep having this issue at the moment where I start doing a task and end up so fucking angry with myself and life because I am doing life as an adult alone and in a way I always have. I was sorting out the cupboards getting rid of old things like chipped plates and cups ect... and I honestly just felt like I wanted nothing more than to just burst into tears, scream and just smash everything within that cupboard but I can't lose it, losing it is not an option when there are two kids relying on me and I have them every night with no break, which is fine because they are safe warm and loved with me but it's also hard because I can't even lose it for a second even if I want to with every cell in my body. I am sick of being strong, I am sick of having life give me lemons and having to make the best lemonade the world has ever seen just to throw it back in life's face and give it the middle finger.

The worst part is I don't know who or what to be mad at, I'm just so pissed off sometimes, I think of all these families or other working parents that come home to something like a meal, housework done, a bath, anything and here I am coming home to make tea, clean, see to the animals, continue fixing up this house, make lunches for the following day, make sure everything that needs doing is done and I would just kill for one of those things right now. I am running on empty.

My weekend was a write off.

So as you will have all seen my mothersday was a bust and my week had YET ANOTHER HORRID END! I am not even shocked anymore when things go down now.

So in short Elijah was hospitalised because he'd had this really nasty chest infection since Christmas time that was passed off as viral by a ridiculous amount of healthcare professionals, despite me fighting to get him antibiotics because it was not viral at all and to no surprise of mine that chest infection turned out to be NOT FUCKING VIRAL. So he eventually saw a nurse, that unlike everyone else we went to did not have the brain activity of a fucking chicken nugget and got some antibiotics, some steriods and naturally she could see my frustration and was quite peeved herself at the state of him and fact that when she went through the notes on the computer that at least two other people had reported crackling in the chest along with damp sounds and not given him any medication. We started the antibiotics and the first course didn't do enough so he had to have another course and submit a Flem sample on Thursday.

On international women's day on the Friday I had a shoot and Elijah was still not in school so I send him down to my parents house so my brother could watch him and my mother was just getting over a stomache bug but was fine, thought nothing of it, but I didn't know until the Sunday but she made him lunch. (I know, doesn't seem relevant or important, but it is a key part of the puzzle. Stay with me on this.) So he came home and all was well, the day was fun, it went swimmingly.

Saturday morning I wake up and Elijah isn't looking too good, but I just initially thought "wow the antibiotics have knocked him well and truly" I do my normal and make him eat something before he has his antibiotics which he did and then he took his antibiotic. Within 30 minutes he suddenly takes a turn for the worst and he just starts constantly vomiting, like barely a break, everything he drank came back up, he just could keep nothing down and he starts looking extra bad, I knew something just wasn't right, he's vomited for an hour straight, he can't eat, can't drink, can't take medication and he just cannot stay awake and he has puked everything up to the point where all that's coming up is bile and even that is coming up constantly and he went clammy. I went on the phone to 111 and they got a hospital to call and when the hospital called they wanted us there after I explained all the stuff that has gone on with him health wise recently and Lee was with me and I think at first he thought I was loopy because I got him to sit with Elijah and started preparing my house because I knew I wasn't going to be back the same day judging by the look of Elijah, so Lee is like "what are you doing and why are you doing it so fast?" Because I was preparing my handbag with chargers ect... rushing the washing up, tidying, making sure I had a bucked and towel to take with me ect... and I just said "I'm doing everything I need to do now because I honestly don't think I'll be coming home tonight and I suggest you do anything you need to do when I'm done because I think I'll need you to stay with Aura."

When we get to the hospital they check him over and they basically don't have the facilities to find out what exactly is wrong but the lady we saw was lovely and she said she could see why I was concerned and he definitely needed some medical attention so off we went to the next hospital and I knew we would be fine going to the next hospital because it was Darlington, we always go to Darlington over Durham hospital because none of us have ever had a bad experience there, everyone has time for their patients, they leave no stone unturned, there is no waiting around left to god and good nature, there are more facilities and it runs like a dream. So we got there and Elijah got sent straight back to pediatric observation, his heart rate crazy, pulse crazy, oxygen low, constantly vomiting and they took blood, found markers in his blood, saw he couldn't keep a thing down if he tried and they decided to keep him in for the night on antibiotics and fluid drips and keep giving him anti sickness meds. I was allowed to stay with him which I obviously did. I did not bank on a mothersday sleepover in a hospital this year but you know, here we are. The next day he finally stops puking and his stats look a little better and they toom samples of everything. He was diagnosed with gastroenteritis and gastritis on top of his chest infection he already had and he got out at around 6.30pm.

So flash back to when my mother made him lunch. She works in a hospital and she had what she thought was a bug but was a actually a case highly contagious gastroenteritis and Elijah was already run down on antibiotics so of course he was going to catch it. So I'm looking after Elijah, I get him settled on the couch and he goes to sleep, Lee took Aura again so I could have some rest and have a bit of time to get some sleep but I just wanted some fun so I hopped on my xbox, turned on fallout 4 and was just chilling with the dogs on my bed. While I am playing I have to pause because I start feeling really bizarre. I remember just feeling so hot, like my eyes were rolling and I felt like I was so full I was going to explode which is exactly what I did, by this point I know I have caught the gastroenteritis and gastritis and I just start violently vomiting on mothersday night and I violently vomited for 12 hours straight to the point where I could not even call anyone for help, my muscles actually hurt from wretching and I had ran out of energy and started going in and out of sleep and somewhere in the 9th hour of this I managed to actually make a phone call in-between puking to Lee and he said I sounded like I was dying and I puked twice in the 2 minute phonecall we had. I needed him to grab me some Coca-Cola because it was the only thing I could think would help and I needed to stop puking because I had my own problem already through Elijah being sick.

When Elijah got taken to hospital I forgot to pack my meds which was not good because you're not meant to just come off them, so I didn't have one from saturday all the way through until Tuesday night and I have really felt the affects of coming off them all of a sudden because I was dizzy and acting out of character, a friend checked in with me and noticed. I explained "I am off my meds through no fault of my own due to vomiting and the trip to hospital and I'm now scared to take one because I feel like it will make me vomit." But he told me I needed to take the pill, so I braved it and I felt better, not 100% but it took the withdrawal away and the horrid "I'm off my meds" side effects but I'm still feeling some effects now like sudden deep depressive hours in my day and I have no drive but it can't be helped and I know its rational but needs to be numbed my meds and I can't wait til I am all stable on them again because fuck feeling like that.

But yeah, basically my son gave me gastroenteritis and gastritus for mothers day and I gave myself withdrawal on top of it all and had to go to work on tuesday while still recovering and looking after my children. Thats literally what happened. 😅