m0ncherriesthoughts
Head empty?
She/her//24//♒
//anonymous oversharing//kpop stan//honestly, whatever comes to my mind so you've been warned
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191216 WayV Lucas
at Fansigning Event in Bangkok
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God bless NCT 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
...presented without commentary
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Que agobiante se siente el día después. Cuando te das cuenta de que hagas lo que hagas, salidas, estar con amigos y la familia no es suficiente. El vacío y la desesperanza es siempre más fuerte y más grande y no hay otra opción que quedarse mirando al vacío o en la oscuridad de la mente, escarbando para ver cuál es la raíz del problema. Pero nunca encontrarla te vuelve loca no hay nada peor. No hay nada que alivie el vacío
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Sometimes I remember
That time I was so into you
I got a subway to your house and took you to the nearest bar
I didn't know how to get you out of your darkness
and then I drank too much
The only memories I have to this day was giving you my whole
My heart and soul
The other is going outside for a smoke
Then back inside
Just to see you kissing another girl
I couldn't handle it
That maked me sick to my stomach
Broke that heart that was already yours
My world shattered into pieces
I felt like I was dying
And I almost did
Then you disappeared
And I was so sad
Filled with anger
I used to wonder every night
When did everything go wrong?
What did I do?
Why did you leave me hanging ?
In the cruelest of the ways?
You made me feel so alive
From a hundred to zero in an instant
Why would you leave like that?
I still remember those cheesy texts
- thanks for yesterday, you made my day, you made me feel at ease. "I felt real peace"
I was so broken
I tried so hard to erase those memories
Your whole existence
I cursed the day I let you in
I think I never went back from that
It's been three years
I still haven't came back
To the naive girl I was
Full of hope
I used to believe in love
But you snapped me back to the real world
I couldn't love anymore ever since
Sometimes I wonder
If you wrote about me as you said you would
Sometimes I wonder how are you doing
In which corner of the streets are you
Trying to loosen from your demons
Sometimes I wonder
What did I meant to you?
Do you remember me any once in a while?
Do you even think about me?
The way you made me feel
Euphoria
Just pure euphoria
From zero to a hundred
You changed me forever
I'm not angry anymore
Maybe you showed me
The cold real world
I forgive you
I really do
21-35
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Some day I'll go further into my relationship with my ex group of friends and I'll write properly on this account but all these feelings and realization comes when meds hit
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"some days ot feels like you don't have a heart. Other days it feels like it is going to explode out of your chest"
God I'd give up anything to not feel like this anymore
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What do you do?
What do you do when you thought you had already climbed this mountain - and reached the top?
What do you do when you feel yourself sliding farther and farther from where you were, and you can see the top of the mountain fading into the distance?
What do you do when the sickness you thought you'd healed from, returns?
What do you do when it's no less scary this time?
What do you do when you can feel you demons winning?
What do you do when you're watching yourself get worse by the day and nothing can stop it?
What do you do when you're falling and the pain when you hit the ground will consume your soul?
What do you do when you can tell that you're losing yourself again?
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having these emotions all bottled up cause i don’t want to show you how it hurts and how badly i just want to be gone.i want to disappear and never be found i want no trace of myself nothing left of me no pictures no paperwork i just want to leave
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I never wanted someone to save me.
Please stay. I can't be saved, that shouldn't be your goal. Just stay and make my existence bearable. Just stay, laugh with me, talk to me. Don't leave because you can't save me. Stay because no one can. Just stay. Please
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when you’re so perceptive about the way others interact with you, it makes you hyper focus on every element of yourself in relation to them. whether you were too loud or too angry or too rude or too attentive to them or too *anything*, having borderline personality disorder means you are constantly paying too much attention to how others speak with you, how their body language presents itself, and even in the absence of those things, your brain will come up with a storyline anyway. i don’t have to see someone physically to imagine them rolling their eyes in disgust when they see my name light up their screen, or picture their pity and imagine themselves wishing they had the guts to just unfollow me. i don’t have to be in the same room as my friend to think they’re just working up the courage to tell me to fuck all the way off. i don’t have to see any of it to come up with imaginary scenarios.
having BPD means being on high alert, constantly, with everything and everyone, and it's perpetually exhausting. i'm sure many others can relate, but i wish i had the ability to just stop caring so deeply about so many things, but i can't, and it's almost like the opposite happens when i try to care less. i end up caring more. and it's just beyond draining, beyond tiring.
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Oh this week has been THE WORST on many aspects. I'm still attached to my ex group of friends and is getting too overwhelming I don't know how I'm keeping it together on the outside. On the inside is a complete mess. They fucked me up real bad. Maybe I deserve it because I wasn't a really good person. I made so many mistakes. I've been rude without noticing but they also have been so shitty and I hate myself so much for not acknowledging my mistakes before it was too late. Also not noticing of many signs that they already didn't like me anymore but they were so FUCKING FAKE oh my god. I remember the last time I was too intoxicated to realise they were talking shit about me in my face and every time I remember that I want to disappear and be buried alive. My God I can't take those memories anymore also many ex coworkers that I hated. I wish I could turn back time to 2021. I would have done everything different. These memories are constantly haunting me and it started in late April I don't know how to let go of those people and bad memories that make me hate myself so FUCKING MUCH. I've been skipping meals because I feel I'm such a disgusting person inside and out. I have the constant feeling that I'm gross. I am slowly drowning into old shit. It's way too overwhelming and today was the first time in about a year that I considered ending it but for good. Because I lost all the hopes, dreams and confidence I had and I know it's my fault but that group of girls took a great part of it. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I lost my self worth and today I felt so so miserable. I feel that there's no turning back from this but I can't ask for help because I don't even think I deserve it. Not even professional because my therapist won't text me back. I know I'm gonna drown and again nobody will notice. Perhaps I deserve all of this for being so stupid, mean and delusional because I thought I had it under control. I thought I was on the right path. Today I hated myself so much that I couldn't even look at myself on the mirror. I've lost my self esteem completely. Since I don't think I deserve a quick and short ending I'll have to go slowly. I'm starting with food maybe it'll be the best way since I can't look at myself in the mirror. I think this way no one will notice and maybe It'll wash everything away. I'm so lost and I know I can't save myself this time. Not anymore
#words of mine#sad hours#unrequited feelings#3am thoughts#deep thinking#sorry for being depressing#being borderline#bpd feels
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Update: she was really, really busy and trying to re adapt. I just missed her so much that I'm even closer to her. Just as it was ♥️
My god I'd like to think this is my last straw with my bff. She's been in Europe for the last 6 months on a student exchange and I'm so so happy and proud of her because she is maybe the nicest and most hardworking person I've ever met but recently she's been ignoring me. Anyone would say let it gooo! She's living her best life maybe she doesn't have time to talk. The thing is that partly I agree but I suffer from borderline personality disorder and it makes me really anxious and sad when people ignores me because I automatically feel that I somehow made her mad for some reason i don't even know or that she forgot about me or even worse she hates me. I said well she hasn't answered at least 4 texts that i sent but she's on Instagram daily because of her posts so why wouldn't she answered already? Why wouldn't she react to any of my stories or posts? I can see when she sees my stories. I tried to reach her by different social media and all I got was nothing. Not even a double blue check or a 'seen' notification. Nothing. I honestly had a hard time today because I know she's coming back soon and maybe I'll have to face the reality and accept the fact that she doesn't want me in her life anymore. Since January I haven't shared anything about me with her. I hadn't talked about how I got kicked out of my new job or that I had a boyfriend or something like that. Today was a shitty day because I had to support my mom who is dealing with grief (not in a healthy way) and she always has the most stupid and avoidable 'accidents' to seek attention and pity from others and it pisses the hell out of me because I recognize what she's doing. She's been doing it forever. And apart from that today i texted my friend for the last time. As expected, had no answer. And when I'm sad I fall into my dark spot. Tons of pills. I hate it but sometimes I'm so tired and I feel I have no option than releasing my anger and sadness in that way. The worst part these damn pills won't work as they should. Oh sometimes I hate my reality and myself so much and wonder when all this bullshit will stop? When it's my time to be happy? Or at least in peace. Out of this constant drama that drains my energy so much
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My god I'd like to think this is my last straw with my bff. She's been in Europe for the last 6 months on a student exchange and I'm so so happy and proud of her because she is maybe the nicest and most hardworking person I've ever met but recently she's been ignoring me. Anyone would say let it gooo! She's living her best life maybe she doesn't have time to talk. The thing is that partly I agree but I suffer from borderline personality disorder and it makes me really anxious and sad when people ignores me because I automatically feel that I somehow made her mad for some reason i don't even know or that she forgot about me or even worse she hates me. I said well she hasn't answered at least 4 texts that i sent but she's on Instagram daily because of her posts so why wouldn't she answered already? Why wouldn't she react to any of my stories or posts? I can see when she sees my stories. I tried to reach her by different social media and all I got was nothing. Not even a double blue check or a 'seen' notification. Nothing. I honestly had a hard time today because I know she's coming back soon and maybe I'll have to face the reality and accept the fact that she doesn't want me in her life anymore. Since January I haven't shared anything about me with her. I hadn't talked about how I got kicked out of my new job or that I had a boyfriend or something like that. Today was a shitty day because I had to support my mom who is dealing with grief (not in a healthy way) and she always has the most stupid and avoidable 'accidents' to seek attention and pity from others and it pisses the hell out of me because I recognize what she's doing. She's been doing it forever. And apart from that today i texted my friend for the last time. As expected, had no answer. And when I'm sad I fall into my dark spot. Tons of pills. I hate it but sometimes I'm so tired and I feel I have no option than releasing my anger and sadness in that way. The worst part these damn pills won't work as they should. Oh sometimes I hate my reality and myself so much and wonder when all this bullshit will stop? When it's my time to be happy? Or at least in peace. Out of this constant drama that drains my energy so much
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If I have to be honest I know that i lack self confidence and there's a lot of people more interesting than me, confident and straightforward. Like it or not I'm a shy and insecure asshole with a God complex and it's not so difficult to see that. I'm not da shit but I don't get why some women feel jealousy towards me. It's just sad because before I realized I didn't know my value and good traits? (Idk the exact translation for that) and it makes me wonder why could someone be jealous over an insecure person like me. Sometimes it makes me sad? Not in a condescending way but just love yourself at least a little. Idk what it's this post but I wanted to get if off my chest
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I hate it and I honestly can't understand jealousy between "friends" I'm so tired I'm not gonna fight over a man that I don't like just to let other people show their big ego and narcissism, not anymore so fuck your invitation Lexi, I'm out bitch
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