happy new year!

fuck 2022!

good bye! hope I dont cross path with such year! lost a father, a second mother and a mother in law. how traggic. need to move on.

self love

your happiness should not depend on other people, be happy for who you are and what you can do.

before, I used to depend on the reaction of other people, but I realized that I can do whatever that makes me happy. do stuff for yourself. go travel alone, go shopping, enjoy every moments alone because you will get self fulfillment.

life is too short for waiting for someone's approval.

be who you are and do things that make you happy.

you dont own me

u cant control what i want to do in my life. u dont control the time i want to sleep. u dont control what i want in my life. yes u control what i need to eat but u cant control me because u cant even give me a decent life. u relied on my own earnings. yes u have your business but it still is from me. i cant even control your drinking every night.

I may be in the sync hole again

busyness at work is creepin' up. I have to exert more effort so people wouldnt question the recent recognition i received. that is what rewards and recognition mean. to do more by doing a lot.

spirit of the glass/coin are you in?

hahahahahaha

this is the game we used to play in highschool. im not sure if it was true but i have felt it asking me to move it. it was fun having those things. but right now those games are no longer appropriate. what you will just do is to whisper in the air. as u wont even know if someone is on the other end. ghosted.

on lossing someone

I realize there is no such thing as preparing yourself to loose someone. even though you are expecting something to happen. when it happens its quite a shock.

I've prepared myself that we might loss you but after you're gone it really hurts. I can't bare the pain of lossing you. Please guide us from heaven 😭

Help us to accept that we will never see each other again. Help mom to accept it. 😭 Keep her safe. Help me. Help me in coping up with this loss that even my husband I cant tell that im hurting.

Help us oh dad... I didn't even see you after 2 years and yet you're gone. Im sorry for all the bad things ive done. Im sorry if I didnt get the chance to talk to you. im sorry....

my safe haven

thank you tumblr for being one of the safe place i can say whatever i want without someone judging. thank you for the space you've alotted for lonely people like me.

just when i needed you the most

i just need to have someone when you were there to comfort me when times are though. someone who i can confide my feelings to. my frustrations, my dissappointment in life.

im not expecting for more. i just need a soul to tell all these things. and then you ignored my request. ghosted me for good.

i know we have separate lives now but i hope that what we have shared in the past would be something that we can rekindle in the present. just as friends and nothing more.

i need help and i think that you were the one who can help me. and yet uve ignored me.

Its all coming back to me again

A feeling that I felt 17 years ago came back after all those years. Being in a place that reminded me of him. Oh I need to forget but why its coming back again.

Churva chronicles halted

Have stopped writing my chronicle weekly digest due to a lot of reasons.

First someone discouraged me. Since I am sending it to all almost everyone I had been advised that written statement is something that can't be undone since it is already sent.

Second, the intended recipients may not be reading it which is my direct reports so I find it useless. Also I tend to write something that makes someone encouraged where deep inside I am lost. So I feel that I am doing it just so because of I want to be taken as someone who does things where I'd rather talk to my people and tell them what I want to say.

So there, id rather write anonymously so I can pour out all the feelings I have than write some scripted words because of the wrong reason.

I think I can write again once I will feel better.

Good read.... the things you see when you slow down

I find myself drowning with my own thougts for the last couple of days, weeks or months maybe. I don't know how to cope with it as each day I open my eyes, I try to mend the overflowing holes of daily task and transactions at work. Unable to even do choirs at home.

It makes me feel like I am caught in a sinkhole. Its the same feeling like a water inside a plastic bag with few poke holes on it which water drips and as I do my fire fighting task, one hole got mended then another hole opened which overflows more water in it.

Until this morning.

After eating breakfast I usually watch some reel from IG. Been reading fiction books lately as it is my escape to my reality. Then I come across this book which got me curious so I try to look for it. It got good reviews and then got a pdf copy online. And to my surprise. I got my answer to my troubled mind.

I hope that this book would also help you in whatever situation you are in.

Ive never been this lonely. Knowing that you will never be able to know me.

Self care

The one thing that I have neglected. I thought that it is just something that applies to those who wanted something better for them. I thougt it is being selfish of thinking only of ourselves. But I found the reality about it. It is not something that can be given to us by others. It will only can come from us, ourselves. It is not being selfish, rather it is something that we need to take care of first before we can take care of others.

I have not cared about what others will say towards how I look, because im masking those insecurities. I thought that having someone to be on my side can suffice that. But I guess, we need to be dependent of ourselves because not all the time that other person is there to comfort us. So we need to take care of ourselves. Do what you want to do that makes you happy. You deserve those luxury because you've worked hard for it.

This feeling

Someone is making my heart beat fast other than my husband but I have no one to share it with. Im afraid that ill be judged. This is a whole new thing for me after being with someone for 13 years. He didnt even know me but I dont know why I feel this way. Ive fallen by just a mere photo of you. There's something in those eyes that is somewhat familiar feeling. I can't help but think of you every waking hours. Oh I wish I will forget that I got to see you. I know I was talking to different person but why did I still stayed of having this feeling towards that face. I hate it. You cant even read my message and acknowledge what ive said.

At some point I found myself having someone whom I can talk to freely. Someone who will encourage me at times of despair, someone who will make me feel loved. Someone who will listen from a distance.

I can't help it but wish you were someone close to me. I can't make myself pre occupied with work. It is you whom I always think of. This isnt good but yet I am finding myself doing it.

My heart skips a beat

Its the first time in years that my heart beats for someone other than him. I dont know this feeling it keeps me hopeful. There's excitement that I can't explain. Ive been dreamin of your response. At the same time it makes me feel insecure and small cause you're someone out of my league

Delusional

Feelin under the weather lately. It hurts when you realize that you can't reach someone so distant. The distance between heaven and earth. You are heaven and im under. Why am I easy to give in such feelings like this. It was part of the dream and when I wake up I have lived the moment and felt it in me. My other reality is with you. Every waking hours is spent imagining you knowing me.