4/12/16

I've thrown up my dinner three nights in a row. I feel guilty after I eat things that taste good, but dinner is the only meal I can throw back up without anyone noticing. It feels good to empty myself of the guilt that's plaguing me. For some reason the acid feels good burning it's way up my throat. I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe it's to lose weight or maybe it's just to feel something. It seems like my whole life is falling apart and I don't know who my friends are anymore. I'm changing faster than I can keep up with while all my friends are staying the same. One day we are on the same page and the next I feel completely lost. I need so desperately to be loved and validated, but I can't keep asking my friends for that. And I'm mad at myself too. For not doing all the things I intend on doing. I don't remember when the last time I followed through on something or finished a project was. I've always been a quitter and now it feels like I only have one thing left to quit; my life. It's just a matter of time before I quit that too.

4/9/16

I have a lot of moving on to do in the next couple of months. I'm going to be graduating from high school, moving to Chicago, and starting a new life. It's scary to think about because I'm in no way prepared. I don't know what's going to happen or if I'm going to fail. It feels like time is suddenly flying past me and I can't keep up with it. I always wanted to be older and now that I am, I'm afraid. I never actually planned on getting this far. I'm still waiting for things to happen too. I have friends with lives like movies. Crazy things happen to them everyday. Boys fall in love with them, strangers interact with them, bad things happen to them, but really good things happen to them too. My life isn't like that. Nothing really ever happens. No one comes along to help me bear my burdens or love me. No one is interested in me. No one wants to take me to my senior prom. I pretend to be ok with It, but it hurts. I want senior year to be like a movie, but instead of a movie it's an uphill battle between me, myself, and I. Hopefully going away will be good for me and make things happen in my life.

4/4/16

Life is more complicated than we care to admit. My best friend is in love with a boy who has a girlfriend but is dragging my friend along anyways. Part of me wants to tell her to leave him because he will only hurt her. But I also want her to be happy and he makes her feel that way. Is it my place to tell the boy to pick one? Or do I let them be and hope that no one gets hurt? I want to protect my friend from pain, but what if I make her lose something great in the process? She knows what she's getting herself into so maybe I just have to trust her. Also, I learned today that kids are fucked up at an early age. A freshman from my school was expelled for sexual harassment and many of my friends experienced his inappropriate behavior. This kid also happens to be a member of my extended family. I know his parents well. We share a cousin. My whole family will be wanting answers that no one has. The boy is sick, and he needs help. I'm glad we caught it now before he went on to seriously hurt anyone, but it's so tragic. He's so young and clearly suffering from a mental disorder. He's a sociopath who feels no remorse. How do people just become that way? Why are some people like that? Can he be healed or is he doomed to be that way for the rest of his life? And me. I've made discoveries about myself today. I realized I couldn't go after the guy I like. He still has a lot of maturing to do, and I can't afford to be wrapped up in his complicated games. I want someone I can share my burdens and struggles with, not someone who just wants to have fun and forget that the world has meaning. I know where I want to go and he doesn't. We are on two different wavelengths and I have to let him go.

4/3/16

In my absence I've decided to stop writing in the letter format. I think the URL still stands true though because really this is for me to look back on as I'm on my journey of healing and self discovery. I felt like the letter format was very restrictive where as this way I can write to anyone. To me, to you, to some random person in Idaho. I hope if someone ever does read this, they find it relatable and comforting. I want people to know that everyone has their struggles. Now, back to why I haven't written in a while. Mostly, I've been busy or not in the mood. I'm constantly out with friends or rehearsing for my school play, and when I get home all I want to do is lay in bed. Most of the time I get upset with myself because I feel like I'm not doing the things I want to be doing, and I feel trapped. I don't have any desire to do all of my favorite things and that is so frustrating. My counselor says that I need to accept my depression because it's part of me right now even if I don't want it to be. And if I accept it, then I can finally move on and work on getting better. I don't want to accept it though, nor do I know how. I hate that this is pet of me and I'm ashamed of it. They tell me it's a process, but I need a quick fix solution. I lied to her about having harmed myself too. I haven't done it in a long time and I didn't want to have to have that conversation. It was easier to withhold the truth.

3/26/2016

Dear Me, You didn't write yesterday, but that's ok. You were busy hanging out with friends and having a really damn good time. You realized that maybe your friends do care about you, and you just need to push away the negative thoughts and allow yourself the happiness you deserve. Sure, the party you went to ended up being super boring, but the car ride with your best friends and loud music was unforgettable. It was worth having to dance with a few sweaty randos in order to be with the people you love. And that boy you like... I think you're really opening up to him and letting all your fears go. Maybe he likes you and maybe he doesn't, but for once he got excited to hang out... Even though it didn't work out. That's really cool that he invited you to his soccer game. I don't know what he wants with you... But he wants something. Just do yourself a favor and keep your sexual fantasies at a minimum. You don't need to get crazy expectations. But just be open to the idea of him and be yourself around him. Maybe he will love you for you. Love, Yourself

3/24/16

Dear me, You have lots of friends. At least you think you do. But when the weekend rolls around, why don't they call? Why are you left alone week after week forced to stay home and wallow in self pity? It seems like they only talk to you when they need something from you. There used to be long conversations about nothing and everything all at the same time, but those are gone and it's just you now. Are you the one pushing them away, or are they running away from you? You do have a lot of issues that tend to make you seem unapproachable, but it should make your friends want to try harder and be there more. I guess you're going to have to get used to being alone, because your friends aren't going to always be there for you. I don't know if it's time to move on from them or not, but you need to be cool with you. You're the only friend you can trust. Love, You.