lemon-tea-leaves
tea for what ails you
lemon ⸙ 23 ⸙ they/them
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you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out
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Hey, shout out to systems with "frustrating" or "socially bad" traits.
systems who seem indecisive, "hot and cold", disloyal, dishonest, etc. to others due to subtle switches, passive influence, being median, amnesia barriers, etc. between headmates with very different opinions, wants, and moods
systems who have headmates with "scary" attributes/symptoms, like hallucinations, delusions, anger issues, hypersexuality, low/no empathy, selfishness, need for attention, etc. especially those afraid they're perpetuating the "evil alter" stereotype
systems who never know who's fronting. especially those with memory barriers, those who struggle with feeling any sense(s) of personhood, and/or those who struggle to keep close bonds with people due to this
systems who struggle with meltdowns, tantrums, outbursts, pathological demand avoidance, poor sense of social norms, and other tendencies/issues that make being social or just existing in public difficult
systems with fluctuating sexualities and/or triggers that make it difficult to remain with a partner/partners (or to date in the first place)
systems who infight in-system and have trouble making decisions without intense internal backlash
systems who have trouble keeping self care (and may go out of the house dirty/disheveled) due to other mental illness or due to frequent fronters being unmotivated, forgetful, or having sensory issues or triggers that interfere with self care tasks
systems whose "self defense" relies on people pleasing, avoiding stressors, getting overly defensive, or getting angrier than "reasonable"
You are loved, you are appreciated, you deserve to be a part of society, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be understood and given patience... you deserve to be able to create, love, heal, be respected, be treated like your own age, to lead, to have a voice, to feel safe.
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I'm built different. like incorrectly i think
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It really bothers me when people describe the way I grew up as "sheltered" when in reality I was not being sheltered or protected. I was intentionally confused. I was kept in the dark. My reality was being controlled.
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you ever make a post and then see that the post you reblogged* right before it is the same thing but shorter and said better. but you forgor
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it's an incredibly difficult spot to be in when you've been raised to believe that praise is only deserved when the thing you've done is above and beyond standards that have been set for you by someone who has often unattainable expectations for you. it makes it difficult not only to give yourself internal validation, but to receive and accept external validation too. it can sometimes feel like accepting/"fishing for" compliments for perceived "mediocrity".
so i'm just gonna say it:
You are allowed to celebrate your wins, however small. However "mediocre". However "not worth celebrating". Your wins are wins. Did you make something you're proud of, even if it's not "the absolute best"? Pog! I'm proud of you. Did you take care of yourself in a small but important way that improved your mood or physical health? That's a HUGE W! Celebrate "the bare minimum", because the bare minimum can be fucking hard.
It is 100% to ask for external validation when your internal validation isn't strong enough at that time to give you confidence. And I mean DIRECTLY ask for it. As a small-scale example, I asked my friends what they liked about some characters I've created that by now they know quite well, because I trust their opinions and I trust them to be honest with me. I'm still anxious that it comes off as me trying to boost my ego or something but get this: It's not egotistical to want to feel good about yourself or something you've created or anything like that. Having confidence—wanting confidence—is...normal. And you're allowed to seek support in that.
These two things intertwine a LOT and can create a lot of anxiety. I'm still sitting here like "Did I just fish for compliments? Do I sound like an arrogant asshole who wants to feel better about themselves?" But honestly even if I do want to feel better about myself.........yeah. Duh. I've been conditioned into thinking that unless I'm at the peak of human performance, I'm not enough. Of course I want to be able to feel a greater amount of confidence in myself and not feel shame and disappointment in the things I do. And that applies to you too.
TL;DR, You're allowed to feel good about yourself and you're allowed to ask for help with that. 💛 It's not easy, especially if you're taught that this behavior is a sign of arrogance, but it's not. Like it really isn't.
#blurry.docx#<- as in there's a lot going on so i'm not quite sure who this is but who cares lol#i guess i'll also hit this with uhh#sweet tea#positivity
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As someone who grew up with "I'm not going to praise you for doing what's expected of you; that's not being good, that's doing the bare minimum" I want to encourage you to celebrate every little thing you can. Everything that takes energy and effort should be appreciated and you're allowed to be happy about trying.
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when people say not to be "weird" about pwCDDs (complex dissociative disorders*), they mean:
do not base your assumption of what CDDs look like off of popular media.
do not speak over pwCDDs when they share their experiences.
do not "fake-claim" someone - meaning, do not accuse someone of faking their disorder. this is unhelpful, & unless you know everything they have been through & everything going on in their mind (which you do not), you have no authority to claim that they are faking.
do not judge those with CDDs based off the types of alters they have.
do not treat alters that are not the host part like they are lesser than.
do not assume that pwCDDs can control their switches. also do not assume that they have no control - every person is different.
ask before referring to someone as "plural", "multiple", a "system", etc. everyone has different preferences for the language used to describe their experiences.
ask them how they would like to be treated.
do not pry into their trauma-history or ask any sort of invasive question that you wouldn't ask someone without a CDD.
do not feel as if you are entitled to know EVERYTHING about the person. they are allowed to share what they want, when or if they want.
remember that CDDs present differently in different people. if you have two friends with CDDs, their experiences can be wildly different & still both be valid.
feel free to add on with what you believe should be proper etiquette when interacting with someone who has a CDD! 🤍
*complex dissociative disorders: an umbrella term to refer to dissociative disorders such as DID, OSDD1, P-DID & (some cases of) UDD, where "alternate self states" - or "alters" - are present.
EDIT: please feel free to share this even if you do not have a CDD! the more people who are aware, the better.
#reblog#THANK YOU for mentioning terms like plural/multiple/system omg#i know people see it plural as a catch-all but i always feel weird and excluded because i'm...not#i have a cdd and my parts are quite separate but i'm not plural#so thank you
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What Does PTSD Hypervigilance Look Like?
Tw: activating language, body triggers, nervous system dysregulation, & fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses listed below. Please read with care.
Constantly checking outside by slightly peeking out the hole in the blinds so no one knows youre looking out the window
Listening & memorizing footstep patterns of those who live with you
Memorizing schedules & when people leave the house to know when you can move through the house alone
Tip-toeing or walking in a certain way to make your steps have less noise
Holding your breath or controlling your breathing to make as little noise as possible
Being extra aware of how everything is laid out on the table, where every single item in the pantry, fridge, etc is so when you take something you can put it back undisturbed
Eating food or taking things out of the fridge in a way that makes it seem like you never took anything out
Being constantly aware of how loud your own body is (ie chewing too loud, breathing too loud, walking too loud, not laughing, not crying, mastering the art of being silent)
Making sure the TV was on the same channel/app it was before you turned it on (this one's for us older gens, before we had these smart TVs there was a time when analog TV left a trail of previously watched channels so you'd have to wipe the remote clean before you got caught)
Erasing texts
Having people stored in your phone under false contacts bc your parents/abusers/etc would search your phone
Not able to keep personal photos on your phone for same reasons
Not being able to keep things in your room bc your parents would search your room
Not being able to keep things hidden in your backpack either for the same reasons
Keeping everything hidden at school or asking someone else's to keep them
Not able to keep a diary or journal bc someone would read it even if you asked them not to they wouldn't care and read it anyway
Not having a door on your room or having the door removed
Being told you have no privacy because you "belong" to them
Erasing your tracks with everything you do
Listening for car noises, car door slams, and memorizing the way the engine sounds so you can instantly hear when people get home
Memorizing car sounds or always looking out the window to see if someone has pulled up
Checking every house window in your field of view every second of the day
Constantly watching the front door even though it's closed and locked
Constantly watching your room door
Not being comfortable with things out of your line of sight
Constantly having the TV silent or low volume so you don't make too much noise & also so you can hear better
Memorizing daily life schedules, like when your housemates eat, use the bathroom, get up & walk around so you can be constantly aware of everyone at all times
Not making direct eye contact out of fear that it will spark a conflict
Being constantly aware of tone of voice, inflection, etc in case they're going to verbally abuse or degrade you or humiliate you
Being hyper aware of someone entering your personal space
Flinching
Flinching when someone walks by you
Flinching when someone reaches over you
Flinching when anticipating to get hit
Freezing & paralysis anytime something goes off pattern
Never being able to tell tone over text/ always needing to clarify if someone is mad at you
Not being able to physically get up and walk around the house unless you know you're in a safe position to do so
Not being able to physically get up to use the bathroom unless you're in a position to know it's safe to move around the house undetected
Waiting until everyone goes to bed in order to move around the house or relax
Holding your breath & tensing your muscles
Dissociation & brain fogs
Agoraphobia
Fear of being perceived
Fear of being abandoned
Fear of being seen
Fear of being judged
Fear of being hit
Fear of being alive
Fear of failing
Fear of being alone
Fear of not being good enough
Fawning
Grovelling
People pleasing
Staying silent because it will be less likely to cause a conflict
Hiding your emotions & masking
#reblog#ah this is one of my denial cycles#“i don't experience hypervigilance anymore” <- spoken by the person who has memorized what their parental unit's footsteps sound like when-#-she approaches their room#in the new house#deliberately#in order to avoid interacting out of fear#normal behavior
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- amaranth.
#reblog#splitting#or forming sometimes#but splitting the term i heard first#it's like#a barrier is Formed thus Splitting it from the rest of my brain yfm
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Your parents are not "narcissists". They're typical authoritarian assholes who treat you like their property because society allows them to.
Your ex boyfriend is not a "narcissist". He's a typical misogynistic douchebag who treats women like shit because society allows him to.
Your boss is not a "narcissist". They're a typical classist dipshit who thinks workers' entire purpose in life is to generate profit because society allows them to.
And even if they happen to be a "narcissist", that's not what gave them the power to get away with abuse.
So stop blaming mental illness and start blaming society's normalization of abuse. Stop acting like someone has to have a mental illness in order to do something cruel when ordinary people have been doing atrocious things since forever.
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You are not doing anything "wrong" for continuing to struggle or not being where you'd like to be in your healing journey. Healing has no moral value and neither does struggling. Continuing to struggle is not a sign of "failing" in any way.
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i don't wanna be here right now. i hate this. i want to go home. i hate being told to share with strangers. i don't know anyone. just leave me alone.
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this is a weird post but i start my days listening to "time for a smackdown" and "hot spaghetti" both from pizza tower. time for a smackdown bc it gives me the illusion of being able to conquer the day. hot spaghetti bc there's a sample or smth that sounds like "survive" and honestly that's what i'm trying to do. survive despite the semi-metaphorical thunder and lightning and screams of terror. also they're just good songs from a good ost. then i just listen to whatever is vibing at that moment. music is genuinely the thing that gets me through the day sometimes lol.
#🐝.docx#i had a weird nightmare last night about a horror game video that i. shouldn't have watched#but honestly the lack of control i'm feeling rn is so real lol#so it probably meant smth idk#anyway stream the pizza tower ost#it's not my normal jam but i don't really have a normal jam so
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I know we say don't dwell on your past and don't dwell on your mistakes but yeah you know sometimes you gotta dwell on it. Sometimes you've got to sit down with purpose and intent of getting to know well first of all am I okay now? What the fuck was that? Why the fuck did it happen, who played their roles, what the roles even were, you know? Sometimes yeah you really do need to sit down and go back over it. Get that breakdown and closure and let it change you in a different kind of way. Let it shape you in a way that says "i don't ever want that to happen again. How do I get out? What are the signs? How do I protect myself?"
Yanno? 🌸
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Lesser known effects of trauma that don't ever get acknowledged
Cw: mentions of csa, sa, despair, depression, & generally dark content that some may find hard to read. Please interact & read with care.
"bed rotting" (which I hear is gaining attention on TikTok these days) ie the process of becoming bedridden due to your body being stuck in freeze response (paralyzed w fear, too scared to move)
Needing to cut your hair bc it keeps getting matted down, because you can't shower or wash it or keep up with it anymore
Gaining weight (i gained over 200lbs in a year), losing all the clothes you once fit in, and feeling guilty when all you see everywhere all the time is fat shaming
Losing weight (and subsequently all your clothes start falling off 😭) eating disorders and struggling with body image
Existing off of God knows what at this point. Is that milk spoiled? Yeah but how many days is it spoiled? Mmm, nah, nevermind, I'll just eat air.
Losing track of time. Losing months to years of time because of extreme dissociation, fatigue, stress, and the inability to move
Brain & body "shut down" or go into sleep mode for long periods of time
Self hygiene becomes non existent. Showering? Brushing teeth? Changing clothes? Don't know her.
House cleaning becomes non existent. "If It's Not In The Vacinity, It's Not Getting Done."
Lying to everyone about what's going on because it's easier than telling the truth
Not being comfortable with having your pictures taken, go through a phase where you destroy any evidence you ever existed anywhere at all
Isolating & ghosting all ur friends periodically to make sure they're not gonna leave you (lol makes perfect sense, if you know you know)
Animal upkeep goes to shit. Litter box goes neglected for long periods of time.
Noise & light sensitivity goes haywire. Noise & light triggers get amplified especially once you start to feel any sense of "safety" and start decompressing. An alarm goes off, the stove beeps, the cat meows, anything that makes even the slightest noise in the foreground and you have a whole ass panic attack and find yourself in bed for the rest of the day
Agoraphobia. You never go outside ever again. Too much paranoia, too many eyes staring at you, too many reasons to panic and stay in bed
Life becomes so non existent that the only thing that matters is whatever you're currently doing to cope & survive. If you're addicted to something, well, it's a fucking miracle you even wake up anymore
Couch surfing and inevitable homelessness when people get tired of housing you. Having to confront the way society frames government assistance as "the lazy man's income" & hope disability goes through. Which it won't. Wait-lists out the ass, section 8 takes 5 years or more to kick in. Disability doesn't even go through bc they always deny the first time you apply. The process is littered with appeals and court dates and what the fuck, I can't even get out of bed. What the fuck. What the fuck.
Leaning into your despair because, despite what everyone on social media will shout at you about resilience and "not allowing yourself to fall into despair," they will never understand that concept that despair is there for a reason too. Youre looking at someone who was raped at 5 years old and youre telling them to "stay positive." Yeah okay.
The anger, the bitterness, the resentment at the world & everyone in it. The cold blooded urge for revenge & justice. Especially when there's nothing you can do about the fact that your abusers are still free to live and roam this world as they please.
Not being able to "talk about it." Not being able to "trust a safe space." That's bullshit. I was beat and abused my whole life, what the fuck you mean "safe space?" The absolute mind fuckery that you have to sit with and undo and learn the fact that they fucking lied to you. It is enough to kill you.
Everything you learn in therapy just pisses you off even more because why the fuck wasn't there someone there as a kid to teach you this shit???? Why the fuck do I have to learn this as an adult???? Where was this when I actually fucking needed it????
Nothing helps. Nothing soothes, because there is no soothing. There is only pain. It's like ripping your skin off.
Losing everything. Losing all your friends. Losing all your "cool status" points. Losing your reputation. Losing all the things that once brought you great joy and passion. There is nothing anymore. Pain and isolation and desolation and despair.
Learning that no one can relate. Except that's not entirely true at all. People can relate. It's just such a stigmatized topic that no one talks about it out loud, because no one else in society really gets it.
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