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I've come to realize that I hate you not because I think you're stupid, but because you're one of the most emotionally intelligent people I know and somehow this doesn't give you the ability tell when you're being emotionally manipulated.
How is it that you can spend all of five minutes speaking with someone to discern with incredible accuity when and how they're being abused or manipulated, but you can't tell that your partner is cheating on you? How is it that you can experience deep, intimate moments of empathy towards the suffering of others but not notice when someone is engineering your social interactions? How is it that you can synthesize complex commentary on the musings of political figures but you can't tell when the news media you watch is produced with spin and bias?
I find it incredible that you can view people so critically and with such fine resolution, but you cannot see the rest of the world with the same. Like a strange psychological near-sightedness, where scrutiny becomes exponentially harder to apply the more detached you are from the manipulation in question. This would overshadow your duplicitousness if I hadn't been a direct target of it, making me unsure that others who have not yet seen what you have shown me are aware that the rest constitutes a pattern. It may be that this one facet is the thread that sews this pretentious quilt of "quirks" (I'm using this in the pejorative, take that as you will) you call a personality.
I might hate more that I can even dedicate words to you on the matter, given how you behave. Nevertheless, the River Vitriol—least serene of all nature's gems—demands that the dam give way, and so it does. Maybe I wouldn't care if I hadn't gotten so close. Maybe what I saw before was a trick of the light, and what I see now is what's always been.
Maybe I just hate you.
#personal letters#letters to no one#you know who you are#or maybe you don't#stream of consciousness#spilled ink#spilled thoughts
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untitled
Go on, and hurry!
The flash, sacred light of hope, escapes you!
I see it reflect in your eyes, your one true love
One true obsession, one true purpose.
Fly fast, fly true!
Just when you think it's gotten away
There, in the distance, a new passion!
Change course, change direction.
Stop, look, listen!
Even the rumble of thunder excites you now
Fills you with hope to find its father
To bottle him once and for all.
Pay the voices no mind!
Explosions, gunfire, a heart's “Open” sign
They're all the same, all worth your time
Better to hedge your bets on distance.
Follow your dreams!
Waking up will halt your progress, so close your eyes
Become who you've always wanted to be
A painted lighthouse, a canary nightlight
Goodbye! Farewell!
The storm has passed over my home and gone with the wind
And so do you, as everyone told me you would
How could anyone befriend a distracted firefly?
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My body aches.
My feet ache.
My head hurts.
I'm hungry, but too tired to eat.
I said "thank you" to hundreds of people who didn't need to be thanked.
I said "I'm sorry" to hundreds of people who should've known better.
I accepted a bribe to ignore a rule I was already ignoring because I had been told to ignore it.
I got paid to watch others have the fun I wish I could have.
I laughed and told jokes with people who will never remember seeing my face.
I was cheated out of four fist fights, but still called for backup the moment I thought I'd be involved in one.
I stood out in the rain to make sure others couldn't get dry.
I stood out of the rain to make sure others wouldn't get wet.
I couldn't hear anything over the radio, and I had nothing to say.
If I was any dumber, I'd be more excited.
If I was any wiser, I'd be more terrified.
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Anything the State requires me to do should not come at a cost to me personally. If I will be thrown in prison for not doing it, I should not have to pay to do it.
It is insane that I have to pay any amount of money to file the paperwork to get a new sticker on the license plate of my car under threat of imprisonment.
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If a Mr. Big scheme is convincing a person to do unlawful things for lawful purposes by constructing a fake criminal organization around law enforcement action, then a police department is a Reverse Mr. Big scheme in that it convinces people to do lawful things for unlawful reasons by constructing fake law enforcement action around a criminal organization.
edit: note that when I say "police department" I mean "corrupt police department" but in this country, making that distinction is redundant.
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Nimiamicia
[nih-mee-ah-mih-see-uh] (n.) - sorrow or lament felt for having misjudged the emotional investment of another in a friendship, relationship, or other social interaction.
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The Absurdity of Highschool DxD, Explained (by someone who's watched the show more times than can possibly be healthy)
The whole premise of the plot is that God Is Dead and so the world is sorta in No Rules Mode™. The reason the Three Factions come together is because with God being dead, they risk their domain over Earth being challenged by a third party that just attacks Heaven while they're weak.
To this end, as soon as the peace treaty is signed, the governments of Heaven and Hell suddenly become diplomatic entities with the other Pantheons, mainly because of the threat that the Khaos Brigade represents to EVERYONE with their trippple stacked dummy oatmeal thicc supercombo crossover nyan-powered GI Joe-lookin' ass Marine Marauders type spec-ops black-ops god-killing freak power team setup. Azazel and his Grigori are sorta subsumed under the authority of Sirzechs Lucifer (this use of Lucifer is a title, he's of the Gremory Clan), as the Governor-General is serving as personal mentor to the Heir-Apparent of the Throne of Hell. The non-Grigori Fallen Ones are just sort of treated as an errant and perennial nuisance that Azazel has mostly covered. Katerea, Shalba, and the rest of the Old Satan Faction are dead and the remaining Magicians are scattered. The Powers in the Domain of the God of The Bible (yes that's his canon name) are, at the current state of the canon, essentially a unified entity as far as any other Pantheons are concerned.
We know precisely how God died, too: the legendary dragons Ddraig and Albion. Those motherfuckers went so hard in the paint with each other that God himself became collateral damage.
Heaven's solution to this, of course, was to gang up on the dragons when they were too busy looking at each other and break them—and most of their relatives—up into pieces and seal them in the Sacred Gears. They can't kill them, since the dragons are pretty much on par with God as sort of "Primordial Powers," so this is the next best option. The Scared Gear system, itself a glitch in God's initial creation of mankind, was sort of a band-aid fix for Heaven, though. Humans are, themselves, inferior and limited in their ability to harness the full effect of the Sacred Gears, but the dragons inhabiting these Sacred Gears, the 13 Pieces of Longinus, in particular technically do have the power to Kill God:™. The trade for Heaven was:
PRO: Generally, wielders of Longinus pieces will not be able to make use of the full extent of the power, and the worst ones are essentially fated to kill each other because of this primordial Grudge that exists between many of the dragons. The vast majority of them will be relegated to important figures of human history (Jesus is said to have been a Sacred Gear user, note that what killed him was, within the canon of the story, True Longinus, the literal spear used to kill Jesus in the Bible (commentary on whether this confirms or denies Jesus as the Messiah is a conversation for another day)).
BUT
CON: You have to keep a fucking eye on the humans, though, because humans can Ascend (which occurs at the whims of and according to the rules of the Holy System, which is mostly frozen in the organizational state it was in when God died until the Brave Saints system is devised), be Reborn as Devils, or (very rarely) breed with them and the Fallen Ones and produce Overpowered Humans™ that can indeed pose a very real threat.
So for the most part, the Domain was stable for a millennium or three. However, suddenly, just as each of the Three Factions are barely recovered from the MASSIVE losses they all suffered during the War in Heaven, you have the following things happening in extreme concentration (one borough of the small city of Kuoh, Japan):
Vali Lucifer, last remaining member of the Lucifer Clan (and by corollary, the most valid claimant to the Throne of Hell), is discovered to be the wielder of Divine Dividing (Longinus 6) and therefore the current White Dragon Emperor. He teams up with,
Azazel, Governor-General of the Grigori, who is in the process of hoarding Sacred Gears for the purposes of creating an Artificial Longinus and also killing his most unstable lieutenant, Kokabiel, only to be doublecrossed when,
Bikou (descendant of Sun Wukong and current Moneky King), Kuroka (rogue cat-spirit uber-devil and Hell's Public Enemy #1), Arthur Pendragon (wielder of Holy Sword Caliburn, the Sword in the Stone), Fenrir, LeFay Pendragon (little sister of Arthur and high-powered Magician), and Gogmagog (legendary British Giant) are all working with Vali just as,
Rias Gremory, who is rumored to be just as if not more powerful than her big brother Sirzechs Lucifer, is nearly done completing her peerage, made up of:
Issei Hyoudou, an emotionally unstable and extremely difficult to predict teenager, who is found to be the wielder of Boosted Gear (Longinus 5) and the current Red Dragon Emperor
Asia Argento, recent Church heretic and wielder of Sacred Gear Twilight Healing
Kiba Yuuto, sole survivor of the Holy Sword Project and wielder of Sacred Gear Sword Birth
Koneko Toujou, little sister of Kuroka and equally powerful cat-spirit
Akeno Himejima, daughter of Baraqiel (Vice Governor-General of the Grigori)
Gasper Vladi, half-dhampir (daywalker vampire) and wielder of Sacred Gear Forbidden Balor View (unevolved form of Aeon Balor, New Longinus 3 (which makes it Longinus 16)) and,
Xenovia Quarta, wielder of Holy Sword Durandal just as,
Ophis, Dragon God of Infinity, is betrayed by,
The Hero Faction, made up of
Cao Cao, wielder of True Longinus (Longinus 1)
Georg, wielder of Dimension Lost (Longinus 4)
Jeanne, wielder of Sacred Gear Blade Blacksmith
The current Heracles, wielder of Sacred Gear Variant Detonation
The current Connla, wielder of Sacred Gear Night Reflection
The current Perseus, wielder of Sacred Gear Aegis Mineralization, and,
Marsillo, wielder of Sacred Gear Dreamlike Curse
This massive concentration of power during an unstable political period is the source of the primary background conflict of DxD.
And it's all wasted on tits.
For 4 seasons.
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The Nation Analogy, an argument against the benevolence of God.
Imagine a nation, [Nation].
[Nation] is ruled by a single entity, who is supremely powerful, [Ruler of Nation]. The people of [Nation] have no say in this matter.
[Ruler of Nation] claims their authority from having brought about people in the land they rule over.
[Ruler of Nation] imposed a set of laws a very long time ago on the people they rule over. These laws are enforced strictly, with no exceptions.
If the people of [Nation] violate the laws, including by speaking out against [Ruler of Nation] or not recognizing their authority, the people are punished with torture, torment, and death. [Ruler of Nation] claims this is justified because their people have free will, and so have the opportunity to follow their laws.
[Ruler of Nation] does not allow anyone to leave [Nation], and punishes anyone who tries to escape with torture, torment, and death. [Ruler of Nation] claims this is justified because their people have free will, and so have the opportunity to choose to be loyal.
Many people in [Nation] are starving to death. [Ruler of Nation] could prevent this, but doesn't, and even once purposely caused a flood that killed many people and made the land barren.
[Ruler of Nation] sent their son, [Son of Ruler], to introduce a new way of life to the people of [Nation]. At the end of this process, [Son of Ruler] died, but now rules over [Nation] alongside [Ruler of Nation], though [Ruler of Nation] is still the ultimate authority.
[Ruler of Nation] claims that they, and only they, are the source of all truth, and anyone who says otherwise is [The Adversary]. [Ruler of Nation] claims that [Nation] is at war with [The Adversary], who will try to attack, confuse, and otherwise tempt the people of [Nation] to violate the laws [Ruler of Nation] has given them. [Ruler of Nation] commands their people to never listen to [The Adversary] and to never trust what [The Adversary] says. [Ruler of Nation] claims anyone who violates a law is working with [The Adversary] and is therefore also [The Adversary].
[Ruler of Nation] claims that [The End] is fast approaching. During [The End], those who side with [Ruler of Nation] will eventually be victorious and punish all who side with [The Adversary]. After [The End], only those who were loyal to [Ruler of Nation] and [Son of Ruler] will be allowed to live in [Nation], which will become an eternal paradise.
You could replace...
[Nation] with God's Kingdom or North Korea
[Ruler of Nation] with God or Kim Il-sung
[Son of Ruler] with Jesus or Kim Jong-il
[The Adversary] with Satan or The West
[The End] with The Apocalypse or Nuclear Global War
...and they're both equally true.
Do you want to live in North Korea? God's Kingdom is pretty much the same thing.
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law enforcement officials ought to be stripped of their suffrage upon employment.
the State is ultimately subordinate to the People, and so it should never, under any circumstances, be allowed to vote against the will and interests of the People. accountability should never be stifled, from your local sheriff's deputy to the director of the fbi.
the ability of the State, and by extension its agents, to protect itself from attempts by the People to make their actions and machinations transparent is the primary reason the State can successfully engage in corruption. by stripping them of the ability to advocate against the People via the vote, you effectively communicate to the State that it is, ultimately, subordinate to the People, and that it does not get a say in how it operates not in how it interacts with the People.
additionally—or potentially as a natural consequence—organizations like the FOP and other public sector unions could be banned and persecuted, stripping them of any negotiation power they currently hold against the People.
there is no reason that in a free nation, the People should feel powerless against the State and its agents. these individuals should be treated, both colloquially and in the law, as second class citizens—or, ideally, as a laboring underclass owned collectively by the People, to protect and serve the People.
law enforcement officials should not be allowed to hide amongst the People. their identities, whereabouts, records, and financial holdings should be publicly accessible to the People. their equipment should be noticably different from what the People possess, so as to very clearly stand out against the People. their vehicles, for instance, should not be models available to the People, but instead from a manufacturer that only makes products for law enforcement. these vehicles should be visually distinct from everything on the civilian market, easily identifiable even at great distances as belonging to law enforcement.
malfeasance should be punished brutally and unapologetically. any error, even minor clerical issues, that results in undue injury or deprivation of rights to the People should be punishable by death. like the sword of Damocles, a guillotine should hang over the head of every agent of the State by a single thread, threatening to behead them at the first sign of defiance.
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seeing in true color distresses me, almost as if the very nature of my environment is toxic to me in some fundamental way.
i much prefer cloudy days, the feeling of talking with my ear protection on, driving in the evening without headlights and my sunglasses on (half a dozen cars flashed their high-beams at me on the way home and i ignored every single of of them because i care little for their thoughts on the vision of me they witnessed in the split second where our paths crossed).
the substances that keep me feeling like [A Real Boy] are killing my mind softly like a death by a thousand down pillows to the [Emotional Groin]. inane conversations masquerading as [Good Business] poison my soul and [Equitable Exchange] it for a personality.
the urge to silence myself, to extend the facsimile of my outward appearance so as to confound those who make an effort despite my pleading of unworthiness. the urge to submit to greater sufferings, to deny my experience its rightful vacuum and instead force it to compete in a perverse olympics to absolve perceived sin.
clarity opaqued by the sunrise and the wretched joy it signals, unbearable by my skin after isolation's bleach. i suffer instead in a cocoon forced to be, extant under the forces induced by my own hesitance, my own reluctance, my own delusion of ownership over the faculties i've been given.
i am today what i was tomorrow, and what i will be yesterday; all is a single concept, a single extropic parasite among billions of worms and demonic serpents, not a single sheep or sheepdog truly among them—only the illusions of such archetypes, not possibly manifested by the minds of slithering things upon this great land, for such imaginations are but signs of higher aspirations never to be reached, but only dreamt of—never to be replicated nor remembered. so is the ultimate dionysian curse: to experience bliss unrecorded, to atomize but a morsel of a spark of divinity—taken, never given—upon a sea of normalcy and regularity.
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I got to hold a 500,000 year old hand axe at the museum today.
It's right-handed
I am right-handed
There are grooves for the thumb and knuckle to grip that fit my hand perfectly
I have calluses there from holding my stylus and pencils and the gardening tools.
There are sharper and blunter parts of the edge, for different types of cutting, as well as a point for piercing.
I know exactly how to use this to butcher a carcass.
A homo erectus made it
Some ancestor of mine, three species ago, made a tool that fits my hand perfectly, and that I still know how to use.
Who were you
A man? A woman? Did you even use those words?
Did you craft alone or were you with friends? Did you sing while you worked?
Did you find this stone yourself, or did you trade for it? Was it a gift?
Did you make it for yourself, or someone else, or does the distinction of personal property not really apply here?
Who were you?
What would you think today, seeing your descendant hold your tool and sob because it fits her hands as well?
What about your other descendant, the docent and caretaker of your tool, holding her hands under it the way you hold your hands under your baby's head when a stranger holds them.
Is it bizarre to you, that your most utilitarian object is now revered as holy?
Or has it always been divine?
Or is the divine in how I am watching videos on how to knap stone made by your other descendants, learning by example the way you did?
Tomorrow morning I am going to the local riverbed in search of the appropriate stones, and I will follow your example.
The first blood spilled on it will almost certainly be my own, as I learn the textures and rhythm of how it's done.
Did you have cuss words back then? Gods to blaspheme when the rock slips and you almost take your thumbnail off instead? Or did you just scream?
I'm not religious.
But if spilling my own blood to connect with a stranger who shared it isn't partaking in the divine
I don't know what is.
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novus ordo publius
my head keeps swirling around the idea that public office should be a burden, not an opportunity. you should never be handed power over your fellow citizens for free, a price must always be paid. upon confirmation of a constituency's desire to elect a certain Person to public office, a fee must be paid. not in money, but in rights.
i imagine a world in which public officers are just that, public. no longer Private Persons, but public entities responsible to the People. your mayor, your state reps, your senators, your president. all public entities, who's entire lives while in office are monitored, restricted, and accounted for. no public officer, while wielding the deadliest weapon known to man, should ever be permitted privacy, franchise, freedom of movement, freedom of speech, due process, or even the right to keep and bear arms against the People.
the ideal form or government is one where civil servants are just that: servants. they should be made slaves to the People who elect them; stripped of all rights and privileges enjoyed by Private Persons, because the State, the predator they have now become a part of, has no rights, only responsibilities.
i imagine a government made up of ascetic monks, devoted in their minds, bodies, and souls to their one true god, Publius. forgoing any property of their own, any and all assets, any hope of comfort or dream of pleasure, for the sake of being a faithful servant to the People who elect them. building dogmatic obsessions with stability, minimal interference, sensible policy, geopolitical isolation, economic prosperity, and the preservation of human rights above all other things. their monasteries would be statehouses, where the unrestrained and reckless use of power are sins, and where careful contemplation is the divinely ordained solution to all challenges.
a cult of philosopher kings, enslaved by choice as an act of love to their constituencies.
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That's because bullying and toxicity are morally reprehensible. This is a level of rejection far above and beyond "cringe" in severity. Calling toxic social interactions "cringe" is like calling a genocide "annoying," it's disproportionate.
Personally, I see two kinds of cringe:
- the kind related to feelings of second-hand embarrassment
- the kind related to social sugar-burn, or overly saccharine behaviors
Yes, they both have to do with how and why others are experiencing happiness, but also exists to demonstrate where we think the boundaries of socialization are and when certain behaviors are broadly distasteful.
Other people experiencing happiness does not prevent you from identifying that happiness as existing outside the bounds of what we consider to be largely socially tasteful, especially in public settings.
They have just as much a right to do what makes them happy as you do to cringe while watching them do it.
Ever notice how any time someone calls you "cringe", 99 times out of 100 what they mean is "you're happy and I don't like it"
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Having lived with someone who's net worth exceeded $100m for several months, I came to learn a lot about the ultra-rich that a log of people don't understand.
These people are exceptionally lonely. They have very few friends, very fee people that they trust in their life. Most of their social interactions come from interacting with employees. Domestic servants, nurses, assistants, whatever. They develop strangely parasocial relationships with the people they pay to do things for them, but can't make any real friends. Family is huge for these people, for mostly the same reasons, and family often becomes a battleground for infighting and backstabbing.
Even with such a high net worth, the amount of money spent on a daily basis is minimal. They live rather frugally once they acquire the things they've always wanted, spending only the necessary amounts on food and other consumables. Most of their money isn't liquid, it's always invested and working in some sort of enterprise.
If they do spend, it's on experiences, not material things. It could be as simple as going out to eat to a nice restaurant with people they love, or as lavish as a vacation house on the beach, but it's always about the experience. They seek the same mental calm that you do, for the same reasons that you do.
The most important thing I learned was that, for all it's usefulness and for all the wishing I do to have it, money doesn't solve the important problems in life. It doesn't even facilitate them, and in fact can make them much worse. Past a certain income level, there are no such things as casual interactions with strangers, there are only complicated social dances done to avoid disclosing your true identity. These people live lives full of paranoia, full of fear that people will discover who they are and hate them for it, or worse, use the power of social engineering to manipulate them into reckless spending. More than once I witnessed salesmen realize who they were talking to; I saw starts twinkle in their eyes and they became convinced that this multi-millionaire was about to change their life forever, only to be met with an immediate, much harder rejection than would've been given to a person who was none the wiser about my guardian's wealth.
The lives of the exceptionally wealthy are no easier than yours. The reality they face may not be cruel in a material sense, it's true that they do not want for anything crucial, but this reality is much crueler for them in the realm of socialization. Their wealth has separated them from the vast majority of people, making all social interactions outside her socioeconomic strata fundamentally unbalanced and unstable.
Instead of dreaming about being a billionaire, be grateful that you aren't one.
"you hate capitalism because you're jealous of rich people" well I wouldn't mind having an in-ground pool but there's also other reasons to hate capitalism such as the fact that owning a chocolate company that doesn't use fucking child slavery earns you praise because it's so uncommon, or the fact that it by design results in repeat economic collapses when the average consumer can't afford to stimulate the economy, or the fact that our future (and current) existence on planet earth is full of detrimental environmental disasters because pursuing fossil fuels was more profitable in the short-term, or the fact that entire wars are started specifically to make money, or...yeah the list goes on
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Random fact: They did a study on courtship and mating behavior of American alligators at the St. Augustine Alligator Farm in the early 1980's. This study revealed that, among other things, the majority of alligator sex is gay
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Things that are still writing even if you don't think they are (an incomplete list)
thinking about a story
creating a new document
brainstorming
researching
thinking of a title
explaining your story to someone else
reading other stories and noticing things like word choice, sentence structure, plot development, characterization
thinking of a great line that doesn't have a story yet
getting a picture in your mind that you want to put into words someday
being inspired by others, even if you don't know what to do with that inspiration yet
making notes about how you want to tag your work
editing
cutting out lines or scenes that don't work
stopping work on something that isn't working right now
starting over
writing a summary
rewriting something you've written before
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