The F Word

So, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that it finally happened, but I got called a faggot yesterday. Being at a VA Inpatient Mental Health facility, I was expecting homophobia, but not from someone with whom I’ve built a relationship and considered a friend.

We were at softball practice yesterday and one of the guys was bitching about how hot it was outside. I told them this is a nice day compared to a summer in Texas, where I’m from (it was 92° F). Granted it wasn’t exactly chilly outside, but where I’m from that’s how it still is around midnight. He then told me that he had lived in Texas for 3 years and this was hot even for Texas (I call BS on that). Then I said that I guess I’m just not a pussy. He responded with the F word.

That isn’t what really pissed me off. What pissed me off was his response to me telling him not to call me that. He told me that it’s just a word and that words don’t hurt. Really?? Are fucking kidding me?? We’re all in treatment because of things like this. Peoples’ words wounded us or things we saw led us to drugs and alcohol. So don’t tell me that it’s just a word. Also, I couldn’t even leave because then I would be fulfilling the stereotype of the overdramatic gay man. On top of all this, a guy that just got kicked out for having coitus on premises was calling the Director a faggot for kicking him out, after practice. He then came up to me and told me not to take what the other guy said personally because people sometimes say things that they don’t really mean, including himself.

So, that’s the excuse we’re going with? No personal responsibility? And you were just calling someone else that, and he isn’t gay, to my knowledge, but I’m supposed to be ok with that. Hell to the no. The game got cancelled today because it was too hot and this is the second time that it’s gotten cancelled since I’ve been here. I was going to make a decision after the game today, but now I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I want to hang out with a bunch of guys that can’t even understand why this is a problem.

Roommate Issues

At first, I wasn’t really having too many issues with my roommate at the Domiciliary, but it is starting to get worse. I am getting really tired of dealing with his sloth-like behavior. I always try to be respectful, but it is extremely difficult to do so when your roommate sleeps over 12 hours a day and is in bed by 6p nearly every night.

It truly became an issue recently when I came in and was being “too loud” in the bathroom and all I was doing was going to the bathroom. Then, I came into the room and sat down and he complained that I sat down on the bed too loudly and that I need to remember that I’m not the only person in the room. Mind you, this is all before 8p at night.

When he gets up in the morning he is constantly grunting with every move that he makes. Granted, he is a 65-year old, obese man, but I’m certain that lying in bed for 12 hours a day does not help his condition. Then he was talking to someone on the phone about how he wasn’t going to tell his psychologist anything because he would just go off and tell the VA, yet he just voluntarily extended himself. What is the point of inpatient rehab if you aren’t willing to trust the professionals that are trying to help you?

All in all, he should be gone by the first or second week of June, which is only a month away. I think that I can deal with him for a few more weeks and I pray that I will get a new roommate after him that is less generationally different than I am.

Starting My Therapy Tracks

I got to meet with my psychologist today for the first time and we discussed some of my problems that have been going on in my life. Something started when I was in the military and some of them go as far back as the early 90s in my childhood.

He seemed very well informed and receptive to my thoughts, and I to his. I am being recommended for the Work Therapy Program, which is an excellent thing. As well as, Intensive Addiction Treatment Track, which will allow me to receive one-on-one counseling sessions; Integrative Medicine, which brings in some Eastern therapy methods like Yoga and Thai Chi; and Building Resiliency, which will help teach me coping skills to prevent relapses.

I am really looking forward to all of these Tracks and starting my journey to recovery.

Group Therapy and Staying on Topic

I had my first class today on Healing from Shame, but I was left very underwhelmed at the end of the session. I liked the concept of the class, but we didn’t really discuss the topic that was on the board. The conversations were very interesting, but I found that we were mainly off topic. 

The topic was Feelings and Shame. We briefly discussed the definitions of each item, but we talked very little about how one affects the other. The question that was asked for the topic was, “How do feelings impact healing from shame?” I don’t feel like that question was ever answered. I really feel like this class is going to be a waste of my time. 

Mother’s Day

My Mom has been traveling all over the Midwest this weekend to come and see all of her kids. She started in Omaha, then came to see me, and then ended in Olathe to see my little sister and new niece. We had some really amazing Thai food at Baan Thai and it was really amazing.

I’m thankful for everything my Mother has done for me and there is nothing that I could ever do to repay her in this life. She has always been there for me through my ups and downs during my life. We talked about things that have gone on in our lives and how things are changing at her church.

I hope now that I’m getting the help that I need, I can be the son that she always knew I could be and that one day I can make her proud. I love you, Mom.

Working On a Healthy Diet

While I'm in this rehab program, I decided that it would be a good time to get back in shape physically and work on eating right. I'm using Google Fit and Lose It! to track my workouts, steps, and nutrition. I was quite surprised when I input the information and discovered that my highest caloric meal was breakfast! As I thought about it, I realized that it made complete sense and that I had never really thought about what I was eating for breakfast. That being said tomorrow morning, I will be cutting back close to half of what I've been eating for breakfast. Also, my macros were 50% of my diet overall today, so I'm going to have to watch that as well.

My First Spirituality Class

I was a little wary going into my first Spirituality Class because it was taught by a Baptist preacher and I’m a practicing Buddhist. However, my fears were almost immediately allayed when he started out the conversation talking about how previous patients would get upset because he wasn’t teaching from the Bible.

He discussed how everyone is spiritual regardless of his religious beliefs and even if you aren’t religious that is a spiritual decision. We talked about core values and how they make up ourselves. One of the most important things that we discussed is the importance of community in maintaining one’s sobriety, which is paralleled in the Buddhist belief and practice of Sangha.

First Day at the Domiciliary

I was thankfully able to get all of my things gathered when my Mom got me out of jail over the weekend and we made our way to the VA Domiciliary on Monday morning. I got checked in and everyone seems to be really friendly and I’m looking forward to continuing my treatment that I started in Johnson County Jail.

They have a piano here and I’ve already gotten to jam on it for a little bit. The food is so much better here than jail, obviously. Checking in took forever, but I got cleared for medical and can start going to the gym already. The badge machine isn’t working right now, so hopefully they get that fixed soon.

I got everything unloaded and put away in my room. My roommate has been very helpful in explaining how everything works around here. He was very impressed with my clothing folding skills. I explained that in Navy bootcamp that was something that you had to learn how to do due to limited space on naval vessels.

First Journal Entry

At one point in time, one of my former therapists recommended that I write down my thoughts in journal form to help deal with some of my emotions. So, I’m trying it because I’m dealing with some heavy things right now.

I’ve been locked now for about a month and a half and I’ve been doing relatively fine until my Mom’s visit on Monday. One of the talking points I had was to get my passport out of my car in case it got repossessed. We had talked about it before, the car, and she agreed to leave it in the garage. When I brought this up she hesitated, and I knew that something was amiss. She told me that she left my car in the driveway and they came and picked it up. I was livid and told her calmly that I was extremely upset. Her response was that if she was a normal landlord, as in not my mother, that it would have been gone a long time ago. First, she is my mother, so don’t try and pull that bullshit card with me. Second that’s not even the point. You made an agreement to do something with me, and then for whatever reason, changed your mind. On top of that, you didn’t even bring it up until I asked you about doing something related to my car. With something this important, its something you should have brought up first! And we had been talking for 20 minutes already. I doubt that she even planned on telling me, but who knows? (Yes, I know I’m projecting.)

Then, the next day, Taz, the only guy I talk to in here, asked me how I’m doing. As I’m about to answer, he runs off to talk to someone else. I listen to him bitch and moan about his problems practically every day, but every time I want to talk about something, he’s too “busy”; or is watching TV or something. I point blank brought it up with him before and he apologized. He told me that I just need to tell him and he would be there for me, but it never happens. I think I’m going to tell him that unless I ask about your problems, don’t ask me for advice or commentary.

One of my former coworkers/friends/roommates has been smoking in my house, my mom told me, which is also really frustrating. He’s not doing any extra work around the house for reduced rent, like he said he would. He’s drinking excessively and is still behind on his rent payment. This is the friend that I helped out when he got kicked out of his apartment and lost his car. If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t have a place to live. He did lose his job where we used to work together in a fucked-up situation; they went out of business and didn’t tell anyone. He’s almost lost his current job, a good job managing a restaurant, due to his drinking, but has made more than enough money since he’s been there to be caught up on rent, if he wasn’t smoking and drinking it all away.

My best friend lives in Independence and has several times said that he was coming out to help my mom with some tech stuff of mine, but has cancelled every time. He never came to my house except for my birthday and Thanksgiving one year, I always went to his. Once again, I feel like it’s a one-sided relationship.

Nothing seems to be going right for me. My Veterans Court Application just got submitted by my lawyer last Thursday. He didn’t know there was an application fee (which is bullshit). I’m losing faith in him quickly. The only time anyone notices me here, is when I don’t come out of myself for a day or two. The only good thing is that my mom finally put some money on my books, I answer to put more on Monday, but she still hasn’t. So, I got Commissary for the first time this week, but they deducted all of my Indigent packs from my deposit, which sucks. I wish the score case would hurry up and get over with so I’ll get released or shipped off to prison. Like I said, mostly negatives. I don’t even know if I’ll see my mom when she comes to see me again. I haven’t received the letter that she said she was sending either. Things couldn’t be much worse than they are right now. Maybe I’ll talk to the Mental Health people and try to get some meds. The only bright side is I’m losing much-needed weight! 15 lbs so far.