kbo-system - Tumblr blog

kbo-system · 3 days

Text

- amaranth.

#splitting #tho i also sometimes say stuff like ‘new guy showed up/appeared’#polls #(kay)#(tom)

65 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 9 days

Text

4:30 and i cant sleep

someone is running in circles somewhere in the back of my head. vague and distant but so distinctly there that its keeping me up and making me nauseous and making everything swirl

thoughts that arent mine. thoughts that are too faint to grasp

i cant think about it. im not able to think about it. im not allowed to think about it

4:30 and i cant sleep because someone (or something. at this point i dont know the difference) is whispering memories i cant hear

how is it so close but so far away?

i cant decide if i want it to speak to me, if i want to know what it knows. i sort of do, i want to know, i want to know what happened, i need to know what happened

but at the same time i dont. i never want to know. id rather pretend everything is okay and nothing ever happened

and a voice full of static agrees

You don’t want to remember.

#vent #idk why im posting this #ig i just want to be seen #maybe someone out there understands and relates #did #dissociative identity disorder #did system #whatever. tagging is hard #im tired. i just want to sleep #(adjacent)#<- i know ill want to know later

2 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 16 days

Text

have you ever felt so blurry and dissociative you ignore all system shit simply to exist but Simply Existing hurts because ears ringing head hurts everything is tingly nothing is real and everyone i interact with feels like a stranger and a friend at the same time to the point where people interacting with me and talking to me like they know and are close with me is weird but i also dont feel like someone else and people who dont know youre a system arent even aware you Dont Feel Real so you feel gross whenever they look at you and i feel like nothing and everything andOh hey is that the solar eclipse

589 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 18 days

Text

one of the most important things about dissociative identity disorder and generally being a system that i wish people would understand is that it truly isn’t as cut and dry as it may seem for member count.

you’ll see people who say they have “six alters” and then immediately assume it’s six fully fleshed out equal individuals with no confusion or fuzziness regarding identity. that’s simply not true in a majority of cases, as i have seen.

most systems still VERY much deal with confusion regarding potential splits, go through dissociative episodes where they’re unsure of who they are, sometimes feel no attachment towards any identities, feel like they might have split and then suddenly that person is gone, unsure if alters they haven’t heard from often have gone dormant, not sure how to react when alters do come out of dormancy, etc.

it’s not a fun feeling and it’s genuinely unfair in certain situations to force systems to list every single alter to you with full certainty, as if it will never change. because it will. for so many different reasons, systems will grow, they will shrink, they will fuse, they will develop. you can’t expect the person with the dissociative disorder and lack of core identity to be able to keep up a perfected list of forever, it’s simply impossible. you may have alters who stick with you, but that doesn’t mean changes won’t happen.

and systems who may be reading this — please don’t feel bad. you are not a hassle, you are not a headache, and you are not an inconvenience for simply coping with something like this. it’s out of your control and the only thing you can do is continue to cope to find ways to help yourself retrain from these reactions. please don’t allow yourself to be harmed by others who don’t understand what you are going through. there are people who will accept and love you for who you are, all of you.

past, present, and future.

2K notes · View notes

kbo-system · 21 days

Text

- ill.

#3 #for this we arent counting tom and hazards subsystems #polls

84 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

- finn! :-)

#one #♠️ is an angel #i. dont know whats up with them. theyre kinda. weird #polls

94 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

people with childhood trauma will be like nooo i don't think my parents were abusive. they just [the most horrifying shit you have ever heard]

#yeah mood #anyway it wasnt THATS BAD it could have been a lot worse haha

874 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

the weight of never knowing the full extent of it. only ever seeing fragments of yourself.

352 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

- Ms Lucy. ^^

#tried it out but not really for us #now its mostly just there as a backup or just in case #for what exactly tho idk #polls

60 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

Having DID is spending every day running back into a burning building because you swear you can still hear someone inside it, begging for a way out.

126 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

bonus question: what is your favourite feature?

for some reason, we just *cannot* figure out the interface, but some of our friends love it!

- finn.

#mostly use it for keeping everyones information sorted and accessible #and attempt to use it for front tracking but its… difficult at best for us #polls

59 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

Parts of PTSD that no one talks about

Not knowing who to be angry at.

Being angry with yourself for letting it happen even if there was no way to stop it.

Crying and not knowing why.

Flashbacks where nothing bad is happening but it feels bad.

Denying that it ever even happened because your brain doesn't want to process it.

Wanting to go back to it so it feels "bad enough."

Intentionally triggering yourself to feel like your suffering is real.

Being angry all the time at every little thing.

Getting triggered by minor things and then being treated poorly because of your reaction to said trigger.

Hating change.

Being scared to sleep because you know you'll have nightmares.

Struggling to find hobbies that you enjoy.

Feeling like you're barely human.

Struggling to be positive about anything at all.

Feeling like you may be manipulating people around you into liking you.

Feeling like no one believes you because you barely even believe yourself.

Treating your past self as a "dead" version of you and feeling like a completely different person.

Being tired all the time, both physically and mentally.

Feeling like if you talk about it, your safety will be at risk.

Feeling the need to hide your trauma from everyone, including professionals there to help them.

Being paranoid everyone is going to hurt you.

Being physically incapable of talking about it.

Feeling like you're stuck reliving your trauma.

Having to skip classes or work days because of flashbacks.

Mourning your past self.

Wanting to hurt others so they feel what you feel.

Wondering why it had to be you and it wasn't someone else.

Chronic pain.

Clinging to "safe people."

Not being able to find a solid sense of identity.

Forcing yourself to be around people who trigger you for the sake of politeness.

1K notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

It’s interesting how there are at least 2 types of “I don’t remember that.”

1. Not remembering until the memory gets triggered/ you are confronted with evidence, and then you do remember.

2. Absolutely no evidence will bring back the memory. The memory does not exist anymore. That wasn’t me. Nope. Didn’t happen.

And then there’s “I have been told about this, and while I do not remember it, I know that it is factually correct. How do I know? I don’t know.”

I don’t even know what my point is, it’s just interesting to think about. Memories are weird, dissociation is weird. The way the highly traumatized young mind deals with memories is weird.

#gotta love the ‘yes i know that happened. no i dont remember it happening’

3K notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text

(we're assuming this would not give you any trauma, just headmates)

reblogs for reach are appreciated, since we're sure not many singlets follow us <3

#ignore my vote i cant fucking read apparently #polls

225 notes · View notes

kbo-system · 1 month

Text