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justmochi · 3 days

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suspecting

pairing :: jenn x youngjae ft momma kang

word count :: 3.1k

synopsis :: knets begin to suspect jenn and youngjae are in a relationship

time :: april 16, 2024

warnings :: angst (jane argue, jenn has a panic attack) alcohol, hate comments, mentions of marriage and divorce

taglist :: @cafemilk-tea @cixrosie @moonlight-additions @cosmicwintr @astraw-astro @fromfreesia @succulentmom @kimhyejin3108 @alixnsuperstxr @hybesunstone @allthings-fandoms @itzynabi @choihaneul @strmiu @Kaitieskidmore1 @evaalopezzzz

Youngjae scans through the house, finally seeing her at the dining table. “Sorry, there was a lot of traffic.”

He flattens his lips once taking in the scene. Jenn is slumped in the chair with knees hugged to her chest. There’s two soju bottles and two shot glasses. She’s almost done with one bottle, pouring the remains into the empty shot glass. She pushes it in Youngjae’s direction, the contents sloshing around.

He can only stare at her, then at the glass.

“You’re gonna need it.” She raises her eyebrows, waiting for him to sit down and push back the shot but he doesn’t. “Well if you’re not gonna drink it, I will.”

She reaches for the glass but she doesn’t make it in time before he takes it from her, downing it. He ignores the burn in his throat as he sits in the chair next to her. She relaxes, throwing her head back and staring at the ceiling.

“How was your day?” She breaks the silence, lifting her head back up and looking at him.

He scoots the glass toward her, letting her fill him up another. “It was fine till this afternoon.”

She scoffs, knowing exactly what he is talking about. Jenn nods, reaching for the unopened bottle of soju and screwing off the cap. She tosses it and it lands across the table. Youngjae takes notice of the reddening of her cheeks and it spreads to her chest. There are multiple splotches of flushed skin near her collarbones. She’s not drunk but he knows another bottle or three will do the job.

She pours herself a shot, the liquid overfilling just a bit before she throws it back. She squeezes her eyes, wiping her fingers on her pants before covering her face with her palms. “I am starting to feel so fucking hopeless. I wish Jaebeom was here so he could tell me what to do. Or Jinyoung so he could scold me.”

“Jenn,” He places his hand on her knee, frowning at her. “It’s gonna be okay–”

“Is it?” Her hands fall from her face like they’re made of putty. “It’s been six hours and it is spreading like wildfire.”

He speaks softly, hoping his words alone are enough to reassure her. “I know but it takes time for stuff like this to die down.”

“And you know my biggest problem is biting my tongue. For every minute that I stay silent, I feel pieces of my sanity breaking apart.

“One comment on a forum and everyone takes it and runs. I can’t even celebrate someone's marriage with you.” She whispers to herself, taking another shot and crossing her arms.

“I know. I’m sorry.” He rubs his hand on her shoulder, clearly feeling the hopelessness radiating from her.

“They’re gonna keep digging and digging till we can’t hide it anymore.” She places her hand on top of his, shaking her head.

The long pause of nothingness is deafening. Her mind is running a marathon and he is closing in on one singular resolution. She sniffs, about to pour herself another shot when he breaks the silence.

“…Then why don’t we come out with it?” Youngjae suggests, but even his tone has some doubt laced in it.

She looks at him, her eyes widening and he almost thinks she is considering it until she doubles over. She presses her forehead on the table, gripping the edge as her shoulders begin to shake. He reaches out to comfort her but she swats him away, shooting up to her feet. She leans over the table, choking. He starts to worry. Is she snorting? He can’t tell whether she’s about to cry or laugh.

“This isn’t happening,” Jenn presses a palm to her forehead, laughing at herself. She shoves her chair backward, making her way to the living room. “I can't do this right now.”

“Isn’t it better to be upfront and honest?” He stands up, almost hesitant to go after her but he does. “Doesn’t it bother you to keep all this a secret?”

She stops before ever reaching the couch. “Of course it does! God, Youngjae. Do you know the amount of torment I go through every waking moment because I can’t scream out that I love you?”

“Jenn–“

“No! Why do you think it will be so simple? You think everything will stop if we do this? If that was the case I would have suggested it a long time ago!” She inhales deeply, her breath shaking. “Do you even know what they’re saying?”

He furrows his eyebrows. “What?”

“Do you have any idea what they’re saying about you? Do you have a clue, Youngjae?”

For as long as they’ve known each other, he has never seen this side of Jenn. “Not really, but I can imagine–“

“It’s bad that it makes me sick. That anyone could be saying all this disgusting stuff about you.” She can see all the comments floating around in her brain. She massages her temples with both fingers, pacing. “If I was certain it would all stop by going public, I would. But it’s only gonna get worse.”

Youngjae watches her agitated state, wishing he could do anything to settle her down. He tries to bite his tongue but fails. “What about you, Jenn?”

“What about me?” She lays her hands on her chest, feeling bothered that he would even ask about her.

“Why are you so worried about me? Do you know what they’re saying about you?”

“Jeez, where do I even start? Whore, slut, cheater. Disappointment, disgrace. I broke Mark’s heart and soon you’ll be next. That I’m sleeping my way through the entire group. That I probably… I already– I’m gonna– the whole company– I…I…” She becomes aware of the words coming out of her mouth. It sounds repulsing as she says it. Her cheeks heat up, her chest constricting. She can’t breathe. She feels ill. Tears fall down her face as she rubs her palm against her chest.

She was so focused on Youngjae’s wellbeing and image that she forgot to take into consideration how the public would perceive her. It hits her now that she does care about their opinion of her. It means everything to her. She has everything left to lose.

Youngjae clenches his jaw, dragging his hand down his face before approaching her. He never imagined what everyone was saying about her was this bad. Before he has time to open his arms, Jenn’s legs buckle and she falls to her knees, pressing her hands to her mouth. Her breathing picks up in speed as her gasps fill the room.

“Jenn, hey.” His face pales, getting on his knees next to her and wrapping his arms around her.

“I–I can’t breathe. Youngjae, I can’t breathe!” She panics, clawing at his arm with her fingers. Her chest rising and falling at a rate much too fast for her.

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re having a panic attack, I’ve got you.” He brushes her head, pressing kisses to her forehead. “Breathe with me.”

She tries to fall into a rhythm with him but it’s no use. She gasps again and it sends her into another spiral in seconds. She coughs and she starts to feel so dizzy, squeezing onto him tightly. “It’s not– I can’t–“

He’s seen her cry, exert herself, but never to this extent. He’s not sure he’s ever seen someone this hysterical. And he feels so helpless. She’s hyperventilating and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Stop her pain.

“Cmon, Jenn. Look at me. You’re not breathing well. With me, okay?” He cups her face, making eye contact with her before letting go and making motions with his hands for every deep breath he takes. She attempts to follow again, staying consistent for two breaths before breaking her streak.

Jenn’s mom comes out from her bedroom, rubbing the sleep from her eyes before realizing the severity of the situation. She’s wide awake in an instant, rushing to Youngjae’s side and kneeling in front of her daughter as fast as she can.

“What’s wrong? Why is she like this?” She speaks frantically to Youngjae, assessing her baby by pushing her hair away from her face, cupping her cheeks.

“She’s having a panic attack… I don’t know what to do.” He runs his hand through his hair, the other gripping her hand. Jenn squeezes him so tight that he’s sure to have nail marks tomorrow. She might’ve drawn blood.

“Okay, okay. Darling, there’s paper bags in the drawer next to the fridge. Grab one and get me a cold washcloth.”

Youngjae is unsure of her plan, but steps back onto his feet and does as she says.

“Jennifer, honey. Look at me.” Her mom gives her cheeks a pat, wiping her tears away in the process. “You gotta calm down. You’re gonna make yourself sick.”

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!” Her voice cracks and breaks until her speech slurs, hands bracing herself on the floor.

Youngjae returns with the paper bag and washcloth. Her mother wastes no time in getting to work, pushing her hand inside to expand the bag. She squeezes the opening together, making it tiny enough to fit Jenn’s mouth. She grabs the back of her head, angling the bag to her daughters mouth and each of them can see how erratic her breathing is as the bag fills with air and deflates immediately. Inconsistently.

“Get her jacket off.” She instructs him, and he does as he is told. He works her jacket off her shoulders, laying it on the couch and looking at the older woman for more guidance.

Her mom pulls Jenn’s hair to one side, handing the washcloth to him. “Hold it on her neck.”

He presses the cold washcloth to the base of her neck. She doesn’t say anything else so he just focuses on the noises of the bag filling. His eyes fall on his hands and even he is shocked to see how he is shaking. He hears her say something that if she doesn’t calm down soon they’ll have to put her under the shower.

It takes several minutes for Jenn to get her breathing under control, and even then her inhales are still so deep that it causes an ache in her chest. She’s unsure whether her heart has already bursted or it’s about to.

Twenty minutes pass and they have abandoned the paper bag. Jenn is so exhausted and detached that she can only nod and shake her head when they try to communicate with her. Youngjae helps her to her feet and leads her into her bedroom. Her mom excuses herself and makes tea while he takes care of her.

He’s gotten a fresh washcloth with warm water, attempting to wipe away all her makeup that is now ruined. It’s hard to eradicate all the makeup while still being gentle, so she takes it from her, scrubbing her own face of the cosmetics. He thinks it can’t possibly be good for her skin to be that rough. But he quickly forgets about it as he strips her, treating her as if she is the finest piece of porcelain. Her stare is blank and she appears so numb to him. He would be lying if he said this entire night didn't scare him. She rendered him completely speechless.

He helps her change into comfortable night clothes, fluffing her pillows and covering her up with her blankets. He’s afraid to even touch her, but he does after much consideration. He leans down, pressing his forehead to her temple and letting his nose brush her cheekbones. He stays like that for a few more seconds before pressing a long kiss to her cheek. He whispers against her skin. “I’ll be in soon, okay?”

She doesn’t utter a single word. Only flutters her eyes shut and her breath falters. He tucks the sheets under her arms, turning off the light as he leaves the room and shuts the door. He drags his hand down his face, sniffing as he makes his way to the kitchen, but finds her mother at the dining room table. The alcohol is gone, the surface wiped clean so now only two teacups remain. Her fist holds her cheek up and he takes a seat across from her.

He puts his elbows on the table, burying his face in his hands with a long, shaky sigh. He finally breaks the silence. “What the hell was that?”

“That was one of her more severe panic attacks. I haven’t seen one that bad since she was ten. I had to spray her with the tap to knock her out of it.”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t know what to do.”

“It’s okay, dear. For what it’s worth, you did great given the circumstances.” She taps on his wrist and he lets his hands fall. “Have some tea.”

He takes her up on the offer, sipping on the tea that is still hot and tasting the sweet hints of spearmint and chamomile. “Thank you.”

It does very little to calm his nerves, but he appreciates the effect and kindness of her.

“Is it because of the wedding?” She sips on her own tea, putting down the cup before rubbing her eyes.

“There’s been reports coming out about us dating because we went to the wedding together.”

“Ahh. That explains a lot.” She sighs. “The wedding really messed with her head, so I’m guessing all that sent her over the edge.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“She didn’t know how to feel about the wedding. She thought it would make her happy but it had the opposite effect. I think it was all a little much for her.”

“I had no idea. She didn’t say anything…” His appetite for tea fades in seconds at the new discovery.

“Why would she? It was another person’s big day and she wanted to go to support you.” Her mom looks away from him. “I feel like I’m to blame for some of this, you know?”

“Why?”

“I’ve always tried to be a good role model for her, but I think my own failures in my marriages have tainted her opinion on the subject. My second husband was the best. He was so sweet and adored Jenn when she was sick but I don’t remember when or how it started going downhill.” She sniffs, not realizing she started tearing up. “I think she assumes that once people marry, they’re happy for a few years and then it all falls apart and results in divorce. She was so hesitant about getting engaged, but Mark assured me that he would always be there for her, by her side. Now she thinks that is so unreachable for her.”

Youngjae gets up, finding some tissues and bringing them back for her.

“I’m sorry. I just hate seeing her like that.”

“It’s okay, I do too.” He frowns, folding his hands together in his lap. “I’m glad you’re her mother. I’ve never seen anyone love their child like you do. So thank you.”

She starts to sob at his words, holding a tissue to her eyes. “Thank you, Youngjae. We adore you so much. She’s so fragile so please treat her with care.”

He nods frantically, and he’s never believed in a statement so wholeheartedly before. She is fragile. “I love her. Regardless of whether we’re made for marriage or not, I’m not gonna leave her. She’s… my person.”

She nods, more to herself. She leans toward him, patting the back of his hand. “You’ve always been her person too.”

When she finishes her tea, she stands up, and pushes her chair in. She squeezes his shoulder as she passes by. “I’m gonna try to lay back down. Don’t hesitate to knock and let me know if you need my help.”

“Thank you, goodnight.”

He lets his thoughts simmer for a while longer, finishing his tea. He still can’t get the image of Jenn on her knees, face stuffed into a bag gasping for air. If he can do anything about it, he never wants to see that play out ever again.

He cleans his cup out, putting it away and making his way back to Jenn’s bedroom. He’s not surprised one bit to find her fast asleep. Everything she just experienced was bound to take a lot out of her. He sees Luna snuggled near her waist, Nilla is knocked out on her back, her feet in the air near the end of the bed. He might regret it in the morning, but he shuts the lights off before crawling under the covers with Jenn. He scoots as close as he can, making sure not to disturb her so she can sleep.

Youngjae tries his best to fall asleep but he can’t shake the image from his brain. He wonders if a hot shower will ease his mind but he doesn’t even want to toss and turn.

He manages to doze for an hour before awakening to the feel of the bed dipping beside him. He pushes himself up with his forearm, seeing her silhouette with sleepy eyes.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Lay back down.” Jenn pats his arm, falling back against the mattress and pulling the covers over her. Her voice is congested and flat.

He holds his arm out for her, waiting for her to shuffle closer to him. She takes a moment to process his request before cuddling into his side. She presses her cheek to his chest, arm splayed across his stomach. He can feel the tenseness fade over a few seconds, rubbing his palm over her back.

“We have to talk about it, you know?” He speaks softly, leaning in to kiss her forehead.

She sighs, her body going limp against his. She’s quiet for a few beats before whispering. “I-I can’t remember much.”

He looks puzzled, turning his neck in her direction. “What?”

“It’s like I blacked out. I was crying and then I just remembered falling asleep.”

Youngjae blows air past his lips, tossing over and burying his face in her neck. “Fuck.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You just- you really scared me, Jenn. I’m not sure what I would’ve done if your mom hadn’t woken up.”

She clings to his shirt, shocked that she even has any tears left to cry. Between the alcohol and her hyperventilating that tired her body out, she couldn’t even remember her mother getting involved. She completely disassociated.

“Why is this happening to us?” Her cries are muffled in his shoulder. Youngjae holds her tight, trying to fight his own emotions. “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out, eventually. I’ll do whatever you need me to, okay?”

Jenn starts making arrangements in her head. An imaginary checklist.