itshiddeninthewords
MyVersionOfReality
This page is for when I feel like blogging over journaling. Welcome to my mess.
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Missing Piece - 6.11.22
Everything’s moving in the right direction
Yet it feels so uncomfortable
My heart is aching as everything shatters
The glass ceiling of my life, shattering
Which isn’t right either…
Because I’m at rock fucking bottom
We had to sell damn near everything
We’re living with a best friend & her husband
Granted we were asked to move in…
It feels like we’re not wanted here
We’re not wanted in Clermont
I honestly feel so displaced
I’m wondering if I’ll ever feel… grounded again
I feel like I’m missing something & I don’t know what
I’m happy with myself yet I still feel insecure
I feel like who I am doesn’t bring any value
What I bring to the table just isn’t… it
I don’t know what to say because I don’t think it would benefit literally anything
I really don’t like feeling this way
Other people’s opinions are really hitting me
I feel like I’ve honestly lost so much
My dog, 3/4 of my Crystal collection, my PS4,
One of the missing
I was wondering where my angsty post went. Unfinished in drafts 🤦🏻♀️
This was such a transitional place in my life.
We lived with Gabi & was so uncomfortable.
They’re the worst.
That is all.
Posting this because… fuck her.
— EB
10.23.23
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Later Rather Than Sooner… Oops
Entry: October 23rd 2023
7:46pm
I know, I know. It’s been a long time.
Another year has passed and again, so much has changed. I just read through all my entries and that seems to be a recurring thing. Constant change.
Does it ever stop?
Doubtful.
I’m permanently living in Wauchula, at least for the next few years.
I’m shutting down my LLC.
Man, oh man. I tried to save her but at the end of the day, I just wasn’t happy doing that work anymore. It was time to say good bye and move on.
And move on, I did.
I’m currently working full time at L Cobb Construction/Cobb Site Development in their AP department.
Truthfully, I love it so much. I really appreciate my team and I look forward to my future here.
I lived with my brother for a year and ended up taking over his lease at the apartment he lived in. Not gunna lie, I adore our little apartment and the little life we live here. It’s beginning to feel so full.
My mom is thankfully still alive. She still lives at The Palms and things are much better there. Her current nurse is the best. Same with Vitas.
Who she currently has is a great fit and I hope they stick around for awhile.
My dad’s house caught on fire and almost burned down. Him and Catherine are safe and now in (beautiful) temporary housing.
The lost almost everything. Catherine was in NY and my dad was alone while all this happened. He shouldn’t have faced it alone… again. Why is he always alone?
Let’s move on.
I’m not Two Spirit and was way off base. I felt the need to have another stamp that marked me as native and I need to stop feeling like I have something to prove. I don’t.
I’m a woman who dressing more masculine, but still a woman nonetheless.
We kept Scarn and I’m so fucking thankful for that.
Magni & Dart died though… that was hard.
Me and my husband have worked on so many things and we’re doing really good. I love him so much and I’m so thankful that we’ve continued to chose each other.
Gabi is still one of the worst friends I’ve ever had.
She continues to find ways to make my life difficult.
I tried out poly again for a little bit.
Decided once again that it wasn’t for me.
I keep wanting to look elsewhere to fill faults in my marriage.. not cool. So I told him it’s wasn’t healthy or okay and I’d rather commit to us.
I was the one dating - so it wasn’t a problem stepping away from things.
I met a few women but it just wasn’t it. Not because of them, it really was a me thing.
I’ve officially been gluten free for a year and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Veganism is popping back up on my brain but I don’t know.
I never wrote that book but I do want to publish. I’m thinking about novellas though - or maybe poetry.
Hmm, life is so strange man.
& I’m not talking about the game.
This has been such a wild time.
— EB
8:17pm
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Life Update : Sep 25th 2022
Well hello there!
It’s been quite some time 😅
I really thought I had updated a couple of times since then but they’re not here, soooo 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I honestly don’t know where to start …
We were poly for a little over a year & I had a girlfriend. Her name was Tae. I dated a bit after that but didn’t connect with anyone after Tae.
I think I closed myself off because of how shit went down. I ended it but it was a snap decision & sometimes I don’t know if I made the right one.
Scarn almost died … twice
Evander & I got COVID in January & ended up out of work for a month - I ended up with long COVID.
Mom almost died … twice (COVID & then not wearing her mask - too much CO2)
Mom also got moved into a facility in Aug 2021. Which has been a shit show but whateves.
I found out my mom is a lying narcissist & is my biggest abuser. I could deadass write an entire post about her alone & the abuse & danger I lived through. But I digress.
I barely worked this year & I’m utterly ashamed.
I expanded & created an Etsy shop - I create PDF documents. It’s hella fun, tbh.
I lost my biggest client. My last day with him is actually Sep 30th 🫠
Evander & I are not currently poly … I’m not sure if I want to be in the future either. I do but I don’t.
My dad had a stroke & it was pretty scary. He’s recovered really well though.
I came out as two spirit earlier this year
We no longer want children
We’re no longer Christian’s - I would say we identify as agnostic
Gabi is a grade A asshat. We lived we her for all of two weeks before she kicked us out, after making us sell our shit to give them $1,000
She did me worse than YoYo & knew it was coming.
We lived the last 3 months with Evander’s mom & that was a trip. So much petty, cruel, & nasty things done towards us.
Literally like making faces when I talk, talking shit to her friends about us & our marriage, & straight up ignoring me.
She did so many rude ass things & tried to shove her fake ass Christianity down our throats. Trying to manipulate us with worship music & sermons. Just stfu honestly.
We’re now in Lake Placid the next couple of months for my mom. I’m wanting to be closer to have some time with her & help with the lax facility.
Evander & I are officially AirBNB hopping the next year or two. BEYOND excited for that!
Scarn is in the process of being rehomed due to us living in Air BNB’s… bittersweet I suppose
Delilah got put down in July. That was really hard..
I haven’t worked much & truth be told I’m utterly embarrassed. I feel like it was supposed to be so different & I let one client really fuck me over. Not purposeful (I don’t think) but still.
We’re now staying with my brother the next week until our AirBNB is ready. I’m looking forward to this time with him & the family
Some of the biggest news? I don’t have hypomania bipolar 2 - I’m actually autistic! Learning this changed my life in the best ways (mostly)
I feel like I’m somehow missing shit tbh. But I’m ending it there cause I’m stupid tired.
Hopefully I’ll remember to update sooner rather than later.
~ EB
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Life Update - Feb 14th 2021
Everything has changed.
I’m so incredibly happy now.
Still married, happily ❤️✨
I have refined who I am.
I know my worth.
I see my husband’s worth.
I see him.
I love him, so so dearly.
I was fired from that shitty job last November.
I actually did nothing wrong.
It was due to caring for mom & my health shit.
But you’ll never guess!
I’m succeeding at my business 🤩
I’m 100% self employed & sustaining.
I get baked while baking.
I medicate with THC & meditate.
I did not relapse with cutting but I still self harm.
I’m still learning that I don’t deserve it.
I am choosing veganism for ethics & health.
Not health with a side of ethics.
I’m going after my rapist again.
I’m helping other victims get justice.
I’m becoming a voice for them.
I have a voice..
Wow.. I have a voice now.
My husband’s gunna be manager soon.
We’re on a journey to professional wrestle!
We’re moving to Asheville.
Things are changing ✨
Are growth is being accepted & seen.
We’re being heard..
Our cry’s are being heard.
As we fell apart individually.
We found ourselves wanting each other.
Whatever that looked like.
We know we have each other.
He’s my everything & all I want.
I’ll always miss the delicate touch of a woman;
But no woman is him & he’s all I crave.
I’m still broken.
I’m still healing.
CPTSD Recovery is hard.
Don’t mistake it, I’m fighting.
It looks like I’ve changed a lot.
& I have...
I’m finally being me & living freely ❤️
I am broken & healing.
I am worthy of healing & success.
I am capable of achieving it all.
I am successful & have achieved these things.
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Life Update - Sep 2020
Everything has changed.
I’m now working at a job that gives me so much anxiety.
I’m approved for medical marijuana.
I really want to cut.
I miss women.
I’m broken.
I struggle.
Still married - which is good.
I love my husband more than anything.
But I’m broken.
I have CPTSD.
Hypomania Bipolar 2 Disorder.
I’m being suffocated in my head.
I’m becoming numb.
I’ve found me.
I’ve found my style.
I know what I want & what I like.
Now it’s just a matter of staying true.
To myself.
To my husband.
To God.
I need to be better.
I need help.
I feel so far from whole.
I’m honestly unhappy.
Im beginning to not be able to tell the difference between real life & the lies my disorder tells me.
Some days I feel like I can’t win this.
Most days I don’t feel good enough.
I love myself but I feel like no one else does.
I don’t want to keep this job.
I have to succeed at my business.
I am capable.
I am broken.
But I am capable of healing & moving forward.
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Life Update - Aug 2020
There’s a global pandemic.
I’ve been laid off for 5 months.
I started my own business.
I got my nipples pierced.
I’m writing a book.
I’m going vegan.
We’re actually planning life like adults.
My mom is dying.
Severe Endstage COPD & Emphazema.
She lives with us.
We have two cars.
I put on 20 pounds.
I paint now.
I actually love myself.
I like who I am & who I’m becoming.
I am beyond capable.
We’re moving to Colorado.
I have PTSD.
I miss taking photos.
I have asthma.
I still smoke flower.
I’m a damn good cook.
I’m a great person.
God is my center.
I found my faith again.
I honestly feel SO whole.
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So, I’m writing a book.
A kind of book I never thought I’d write.
I thought it would be a novel.
A poetry book.
My journals.
It’s none of those!
I’m writing a motivational book!
It’s about success and what you can do to strive to get there.
I find that, so so ironic.
My life going from shattered to a beautiful mosaic - that isn’t finished yet..
That’s crazy.. just crazy
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Something About Today
There’s something about today//
Something about today makes me wanna be honest.
Painfully honest.
To the point of no return.
Will it hurt?
Them? - Maybe
Myself?
Nah.
Some would say I’m self destructing.
I’d say they’re goddamn right.
It’s a fucking demolition site!
The old me, I want nothing to do with her.
When I look in the mirror - I want to see no reminiscent of her.
Okay, maybe one thing.. Those blood shot eyes.
Forever in the clouds, so high.
It’s the only time I see, so clearly.
So I ask myself -
Then what’s the point?
Why bullshit?
Why lie?
If you’re fucking up, I’m gunna tell you.
If you treat me like shit, I’m not gunna take responsibility of that.
You are your own fucking person.
I’m responsible for myself - that’s it.
Take responsibility for your choices.
I can see that, you know?
Your priorities are showing.
I’m tired of running around your feelings.
I don’t have time for that bullshit.
So, let’s see.
Painfully honest, right?
I low key blame you.
All the hints I gave you, you never listened.
So. many. hints.
I see the blame flaming in your eyes too.
I’m the reason you lost a friend.
I’m the reason you had to move away.
I’m the reason you feel guilt.
I’m the reason for this “negativity”.
Sorry sweetheart.
I’ve never walked these waters before.
I have enough of a mess to clean up, I can’t clean yours up too.
So I’m done - you know. I think I’m done.
I’ve been cleaning out my closet for awhile now.
But you’re one of those things I just couldn’t seem, to part with.
It’s just that time though, it seems.
There’s something about today, you know?
Something about today makes me want to be honest.
Eliza Jones - 11.7.18 - 7:07 PM
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Welp, I Made It
11:37 PM - My bedroom at Shannon’s - 11.03.18
Welp Guys, I made it.
I have somehow found myself here. Where I always wanted to be. Yet I have some much more than I could have ever imagined or prayed for. I am blessed with some much that I honestly didn’t even know I needed it.
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Most days I’m okay, but other days I feel as though I’m shattered in a million pieces on the floor...
01.16.2018
Thanks Zeke.
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Nothing Short Of Insane
Friday, December 29th 2017 - 12:33 PM
Good Afternoon,
So, I feel as though a lot has happened since I last wrote. I really am horrible at keeping up with it. I feel like everything going on has been “Nothing short of insane.”
One big thing, I started counseling earlier this month. I’ve only had one session but I really think that this will be good to me. I’m still extremely nervous about going, but I know in the end it’ll be a great thing. Scary, but good.
Another big thing, my dad FINALLY met Evander. It only took us getting engaged for him to finally be up to meeting him *eye roll*.. Either way I guess it’s good that he finally met him. - Family time was just.. family time. I feel like that explains it all. Listening to them gossip and complain is always a lovely way to spend my holidays..
Work has been frustrating because my hours got cut. We hired someone else and it seems to have cut everyone’s hours by 8 hours or so. Which may not seem to crazy. But one payperiod next month, I only have 55 hours for two weeks. So... yeah. I can’t pay my bills off of 55 hours.
At church on Sunday I felt as though God was calling me to volunteer again. I’m thinking youth ministries. I’m going to continue to pray about it and chat with God about it and see what He says. Sometime’s I jump the gun. And lately I’ve really been missing working in the ministry. So, who knows. But I also don’t think I’m in the right mental state to jump into that RIGHT now, but I know that God will equip me and He’ll open the door when the time is right.
New Years Eve, this Sunday, I’ll be going to see Kevin Hart with my lovely fiance! I surprised him with tickets for Christmas. I love going on adventures with him and I’m beyond excited to spend the day with him. We don’t have too many full days together. (Random side note... He just texted me a photo. His mom blew out his hair and gave him rows... Uggggggh.) Either way, I’m excited to see him and just be with him.
I have so much doubt with everything around me right now, literally everything. But when I’m when him, all the doubts just fade away. I love him so so much. He really is one of the most amazing people that I’ve ever met. He’s complicated and complex, yet simple and easy to please. (HE JUST TOLD ME I COULD TAKE THEM OUT! YES!!) He’s caring yet so so stubborn. He gives his all to the one’s he loves. He’s straightforward. He’s strong yet sensitive. He all in all, is ust so amazing. I can’t wait to be his wife.
October 2019 cannot come soon enough.
1:26 PM
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A Bit More Scary Than Expected
Friday, December 1st 2017 - 10:25 AM
Good Morning Lovelies,
So this morning anxiety is consuming my brain. I’m in a great mood but it seems as though the anxiety is running through my veins, seeping into every fiber of my being.
Ever since I found out earlier this week that my rapist was released, I’ve been nothing but a ball of anxiousness. I hate it. I’m not sure how to calm it down or to make it go away. It’s like it’s hiding in the dark corners of my brain... I can’t see it, but it’s there.
When I was told that he was released, I never expected to feel THIS kind of anxiety. I knew I wouldn’t be happy if he paid his bail.. But I never expected to be this scared. I live states away so I’m honestly not entirely sure why I’m so scared. I know that if he tried to find me though, it probably wouldn’t be too difficult. I’m just anxious. Usually my anxiety is fueled by irrational fears, but I’m not really sure if this one is completely irrational.
I would argue to say that it is because, well, I’m states away from him. However, he already broke the law before when he raped me and sexually assaulted me on multiple occasions, so I wouldn’t put it passed him to pull some shit and him find me...
You never know what people will do when they feel like they’re in between a rock and a hard place...
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Not Just Another Day
Thursday, November 30th 2017 - 11:53 AM
Good Morning!
So, my mood is definitely better than yesterday’s and I think I just happened to be touched by the peace and joy of God. He blesses me every single day, even when, including when I don’t see it. The things I go through will shape me as a person and my future. God is in the midst of all of my mess, shaping me into who He has envisioned for me to become. I’m not sure how everything will pan out at this moment but I definitely have faith in God and His plan for my life. That has never changed. No matter how disconnected I get from Him or anyone else. (I’m distant when my depression hits.)
On a completely unrelated note... I HAVE AN INTERVIEW ON MONDAY!! I’m so excited! I’m starting my paralegal certification program within the next 2 weeks. The interview is for a family law firm, an internship. I’m beyond excited and I pray that this door opens and it opens wide! At the end of the internship, there’s a possibility of employment. Which is super exciting as well. I got the call this morning and I’m honestly still in shock but I’m so darn happy!!
Plus I get my PS4 tonight and my leg piece is getting finished tomorrow night. So overall it seems as though this week is turning out pretty good. It’s definitely had some crappy parts - such as Tuesday. But I’m so thankful to have such an amazing fiance and he treats me so so well. He’s seriously beyond sweet.
Tuesday night, I came home from work, sat on the bed, and started to take off my heels and he walks up and says, “Hey now, hold on.” He stops me then continues, “You’ve had a really rough day, it’s time to relax.” He then grabs my left foot and starts undoing my heel and sliding it off my foot. It’s little things that he does for me day in and day out that show his love for me. I couldn’t be more in love.
I really want to write more but I’m honestly blanking on what to even write about... I’ve pretty much updated you on everything major, not much else is going on. I usually have certain topics that are I’m wracking my brain with, but today I seem to be drawing a blank. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing lol.
On a random note - I’m on the phone with Hulu. I’m paid up but they still won’t let me watch.. It’s affecting me watching my shows, which I’m not a fan of. I’ve been on hold for 10 minutes now.. So hopefully it won’t be too much longer.
I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE AN INTERVIEW ON MONDAY!
I HOPE THEY LIKE ME!!!
AHHHHHH!! FAMILY LAW <3
On that note, I shall leave for now! :D
1:19 PM
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I’m Just A Mess
Wednesday, November 29th 2017 - 4:36 PM
Hey there,
So it happened again.
I’m used to journaling over a few hours. I walk away, chew a bit more of what’s on my mind, then I come back... Well...
I walked away from writing for 30 min (cause I’m at work) and I came back to the computer and BAM!! My entry was gone... Again! So from now on I need to make sure that I’m doing some kind of hard copy before I post because man.. I don’t like re-writing my entries. It doesn’t feel “real” enough. Because I’m now going through and proofing, in a sense. So below I’ll do a small briefing of what I wrote earlier.
As (not many of) you may know, I was raped and sexually assaulted over a span of 6 months by my Ex’s best friend (at the time). I’ve been dealing with court and trial stuff for almost 2 years. Back at the end of August he was arrested and charged. Welp, I found out yesterday that he’s out. He posted bail.... How in the hell did he come up with $15,000... Like, I can’t even come up with $15.
But that’s beside’s the point... I have found myself anxious and honestly scared. I’m not scared of many things, but somehow, someway, he has made it on the short list of things I’m afraid of.
Also, my boss was a total dick... I made a mistake and he pretty much told me I better get my shit together or I’ll lose my job. Which I don’t want to do because, hey, I make good money and I like my job. I just didn’t know that when I accepted this job, it came with the contingency that I can’t make any mistakes. So I need to be more attentive. ---- My whole reasoning for bringing this up was because I know I made a mistake, but I don’t think he handled it right. He was straight up mean.... & that conversation took place not even an hour after I got off the phone with the court house.
So I’ll say that was all just horrible timing.
There are some other things that I mentioned but that’ll have to wait until later! Time for me to go!!
4:56 PM
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It’s Actually Happening
November 21st 2017 - 10:16 AM
Good Morning!
So, last time I wrote I spent almost 3 hours on this master piece of a entry and BAM. It was gone. After that I had a major turn off to blogging, because that doesn’t happen when I write in my journal. So that would explain why I’ve been a bit A Wall. I didn’t want to write again for it to end up deleted into the cluster of cyber space.
Anyways, I’m back and sooo much has happened since I last wrote. I saw Hoodie Allen on November 9th and I was so flippin’ excited! I love Hoodie Allen and he is SUCH an amazing artist. However, that wasn’t the only amazing thing that happened that night. I was asked by the man of my dreams if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and of course I said yes!!! So, I’m now engaged!!! I’m so happy and excited to be spending the rest of my life with my best friend by my side. November 9th was seriously just like a dream come true.
I sit back and I’m honestly just amazed! It’s like my life is actually starting to turn into something... Like an actual adult life. Considering I’m 24, it’s about damn time, but still. I have a stable, good paying job. I have a place to live, that I’ve been living at for 6 months now. (Which believe it or not, is huge for me.) I’m engaged to the most amazing man. I have a car that I own. It’s crazy to me because it’s happening, it’s actually happening.
Once you hit a low point in your life, everyone always says “Hold on, it’ll only go up from here.”, “Oh, trust me! It’ll get better!”, and “Just trust God, everything works out and everything happens for a reason.” Which I don’t doubt that God has His plan, but my low point turned out to be more of a valley.. I knew that at some point everything wasn’t going to be so suffocating, but I din’t realize that it would be happening so soon. Hey now, don’t get me wrong! I’m beyond happy and thankful for all of this unfolding in my life right now, I’m just in shock that things like this are actually happening to me.
I have no one to thank but God. He is in complete control of my life and I don’t know how I could ever repay Him. I am by far not perfect and God sees my fault. Yet, I find myself so blessed. Okay! Now, onto another topic.
I’m most likely going to be signing up with Ashworth College this week to do their Paralegal Certification program. Which I am beyond excited about!! I’ve been wanting to work in law for.. Well, close to 20 years to be honest! Ever since I was 5, I knew that working in the law field, was the career for me. Now I just have to work hard and make that dream a reality. I want the absolute best future for me and my future husband. So hey, let’s get things poppin’!
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The Masterpiece
Monday, November 6th 2017 - 6:24PM
Hey there,
So I’ve been writing the best journal entry that I’ve written in years. I’ve been writing for the past two hours and it was a work of art. Then my laptop died and none of it was saved.
So now there’s this.
There’s no way that I could recreate it. It didn’t have a story line but it sure as hell had depth and life to it. So I’m a bit upset.
I’m writing this post to simply show that I was writing and wasn’t skipping out. I wrote. & it was beautiful. Now it’s dead.
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Here It Is
Saturday, November 4th 2017 - 1:11PM
Well, here it is.
I officially made a page just for my blogging. I personally never thought I would have one of these. The last three posts are from my main blog and were written prior to me deciding to create this blog. I don’t know how often I’ll write. But I’m excited, to be honest. I’m not sure if I’ll even get any followers, but hey.
Here’s to trying something new.
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