rot in hell

thinkin about how grateful i am that i got a late diagnosis bc i absolutely would’ve been forced through ABA but also the irreversible damage it did…. just thinking about how my coping skills could’ve been properly developed, how i would know how to handle situations, how i would’ve still been an outsider and “the weird kid” but i would’ve known WHY. how i could’ve been saved from YEARS of torment and how when things got bad we could’ve known what was going on and how to fix it. it’s fucking devastating

and i won’t feel anything

hot take (maybe ice cold take): i have such a difficult time researching autism compared to other things like mental illness bc all the traits are so vague or exist in a range with extremes and nothing in between to help me understand the intricacies of whats going on. like i’ve been living on autism tiktok recently because there i can pick up really niche examples of things like difficulties with social cues and i can piece together a more complete continuum of these things that actually make sense. like is it a good way to research? no! but the real life examples really help me recognize things in other people or in myself and it’s so helpful having real examples to compare my own experience to.

like every persons experience with autism is so wildly different from the next and that’s why it’s so hard to quantify what a single overarching category of traits is like but at the same time it drives me BONKERS when researching. like how am i supposed to have a solid understanding of what routines or sensory issues encompasses when i’m only given one example or one that’s extremely vague or stereotyped? it just doesn’t make sense to me ://

snsjsnskdjdkdnskesbsksndkanskdm yall ever just. get Frustrated bc you don’t know what you have??

like for a while i thought i had bpd, and then i found out that bpd can look a lot like autism. and i DO have asd traits that aren’t explained by bpd, but at the same time i relate more to the bpd criteria??? and then there’s adhd and it’s similarities to asd and i just wanna SCREAM because i have no concept of what’s going on inside my body (like to the point i cannot tell if i’m having side effects from meds) and i don’t remember my childhood so i can’t pinpoint asd traits i may have had as a kid and it’s all just one big messy jumble and i HATE it

tho i also could have all three and that just HHHHH that’s whole other mess

ok here’s something that really bothers me:

i’m researching autism bc it’s been suggested that i may be autistic. at first, i didn’t think i struggled with social cues. i THINK i generally understand when people are upset, but i need hyper specific and complex examples to know for sure. but i’m finding one of two things out:

1. there are no examples. none. everyone says “i miss social cues” and that’s it. nothing else. how do i know what i miss if i don’t know what i might be missing??

2. the examples are extraordinary basic and exaggerated. like someone making a cartoonishly angry face and being like “whats this emotion??” it’s fucking anger.

or the mysterious number 3! (specifically regarding the emotion in the eyes test) giving a vague expression and then four possible answers. well if you GIVE me the answer, i can probably figure it out based on process of elimination at the very least.

that being said, i understand others may struggle to recognize what #2 and #3 talks about, and that’s valid! i’m speaking in regards to my personal understanding and frustrations.

anyway tldr: i need hyper specific and real life examples of missing social cues but the ones i find are cartoonishly exaggerated and idk if i actually struggle with them or not

Me completing all of my emotional regulation tasks like the dailies in a farming RPG I'm starting to lose interest in

nope

this is my villain origin story and you are all but ants

i love masks they make lying so easy i just convinced the mom friend i had breakfast :)

any other psychotics just not fucking care about internet surveillance anymore like "DELETE CHROME RIGHT NOW ITS SPYING YOU" so is the government, so is that picture of my dad in my bedroom, my computer screen is already being monitored by the police and theres cameras in my bathroom, a website trying to get my ad information means nothing to me and is just another grain of sand on the beach

i’m sick and tired of being selfless

bpd also means:

constantly fluctuating/changing sexuality

but not knowing if those feelings are yours and real

but not knowing if those feelings will be valid tomorrow

but having those feelings so strongly you just need to live your truth

and settling for umbrella terms, cause you can’t but really need to label yourself

and not trusting your own feelings. It’s just the bpd - you know the unclear-or-shifting-self-image-part