You have to talk to real, living, breathing people here. No, I’m not calling you “Bloodstained”, what are you, seventy-five?

- Gwindor “had enough of this teenage angst” Guilinion, to Túrin “Edgelord” Húrinion, The Children of Húrin

What good is disappearing into thin air if I can’t use it as a ‘fuck you’ to all the people I was too nice to say ‘fuck you’ to before?

- Bilbo Baggins, considering the implications of spoons, The Lord of the Rings, book I, chapter II

Let me get this straight. I defeated a minor god and you’re hassling me over a parking ticket?

- Samwise Gamgee, having had enough of this shit, The Lord of the Rings, book VI, chapter VIII

This deserves to be here.

autocorrect’s greatest hits:

shoutout to my phones and iPods over the years for being there for me

Feature and his sons Madras, Macklemore, Telecommunications, Cranberry, Curving (and his son Tell Perry Quay), Amber, and Ambulance

New Orleans/Yolo Finwë and his kids Fungus, Armrest, Turkish, and Argon

Fine Rod and his sister Glad Reel and his brothers Achey and Angry, and Angry’s son Ordinance

Thin Golf, Thin Golf’s wife Melting, and their daughter Luscious and her husband Barren

Thin Golf’s foster son Turn and Turn’s friend Belt

Glad Reel married Telephone and their daughter was Celebrity

Stop worrying, Gandalf. He didn’t make me sign a contract. I’m not even an adult yet. This can’t be legally binding, can it?

- Peregrin “Pippin” Took, to Gandalf, on his oath of service to Denethor, the Lord of the Rings, book V, chapter II

I didn’t send Glorfindel because he glows when he gets mad. Do you think you can manage to be a little less conspicuous than that?

- Elrond, in mental conversation with Gandalf, during a discussion about the necessity of subtlety while on the Quest, The Lord of the Rings, book II, chapter III

I’m gonna have to put you on hold, I need to throw some fireballs at a wolf pack.

- Gandalf, in mental conversation with Elrond, during a discussion about the necessity of subtlety while on the Quest, The Lord of the Rings, book II, chapter III

Welcome to Quenya, where the homophones are artificially created and it just takes one rude motherfucker to create a whole new dialect.

- Curufinwë “Fëanor” Fëanáro, in his private and less than private conversations, The Shibboleth of Fëanor

Welcome to the family. We argue with gods, we commit murder, and we have strong opinions on property law.

- Maedhros, to a newly “adopted” Elrond and Elros, the Silmarillion, Of the Voyage of Eärendil and the War of Wrath

So I stuck my head in the door and I swear he was trying to artificially manufacture a star or something, and I was weirded out, you know? And I said “uh, what are you working on?” because I couldn’t think of what the fuck else to say while I’m staring at this gleaming ring of light hanging in the fucking air over his desk, and he kind of looks at me funny and says “trying to stop the heat death of the universe”, and he’s completely fucking serious. Totally deadpan. And all of a sudden I remembered who his grandfather was and long story short, Celebrimbor might be nice but that doesn’t make him less Fëanorian.

- Ereinion Artanáro Gil-galad, High King of the Noldor East of the Sea, to Círdan the Shipwright, on the forging projects of Celebrimbor of Ost-in-Edhil, Unfinished Tales, the History of Galadriel and Celeborn

Everybody tells me shit like ‘be nice, Lúthien,’ ‘be ladylike, Lúthien,’ ‘have some common sense, Lúthien.’ No! Give me back my fucking boyfriend or I will rip your hair off with your head still attached!

- Lúthien Tinúviel, to Sauron, the Silmarillion, Of Beren and Lúthien

If anybody tells you I got picked because of my easygoing nature they’re bullshitting you. I got sent to Middle-Earth because I’m the only Maia of Nienna who believes in smacking people on the head when they’re being stupid, and I regret nothing.

- Gandalf, in conversation with Frodo and Aragorn, The Lord of the Rings, book VI, chapter IV

I mean, for me personally it’s emblematic of hubris and misplaced trust and misguided loyalty? But I’ve definitely outgrown those flaws. So yeah, let’s slap it on there.

- Tyelperinquar “Celebrimbor” Curufinwion, to Narvi of Khazad-dûm, regarding his family’s star and the Doors of Durin, Unfinished Tales, The History of Galadriel and Celeborn

“Outlaw” is an aesthetic that’s basically irresistible to the Sindar. I don’t know what it is about living rough but it ups your hotness factor by a good two hundred percent.

- Beren, to Túrin, comparing notes on their respective elvish love interests in the afterlife, the Silmarillion, Of Túrin Turambar

Don’t worry, I’m only reckless when I forget to be responsible!

- Findekáno Astaldo “Fingon” Nolofinwion, High King of the Noldor East of the Sea, the Silmarillion, Of the Fifth Battle

Repeat after me: “men suck, marriage sucks, and the Sea can kiss my ass”.

- Erendis, to Ancalimë, Unfinished Tales, The Mariner’s Wife

Um. Remember how your last words to me were “Don’t fuck with a dragon, it’s not worth it, whatever you do, don’t fuck with a dragon”?

- Artaresto “Orodreth” Angarátion, to his father, regarding the circumstances of his death, the Silmarillion, Of Túrin Turambar