Ugly

Hold me Love me I’m uncontrollable I’m worthless If only I could see me Clearly I'm Swimming Deeply In my pool I’m selfish and foolish L o o k i n g I see Imperfection, yet you Think I’m beautiful

Two Lives

A few days ago I celebrated 10 years in the UK. It's been a remarkable time in my life - I laughed a lot, cried a lot and I become me - I discovered confidence I didn't realise I had and I love I never knew possible. I have come to realise that who I am and where ever I go in life that I am still me. I exist inside myself.

I knew I had to leave my family behind as sad as that sounds. My parents are toxic and seem to create drama almost out of thin air. I see others having somewhat normal and even happy lies and they are stuck in this cycle. I have mostly freed myself of their shrapnel and selfishness. I love my Dad, but he isn't a good person in my Mom's presence. That is likely my only regret in leaving him behind. But, I have surrounded with a good person, a moral person that I greatly admire. He has taught me so much about kindness and social etiquette. I would argue before this that I wasn't actually living, I just living in a bubble. He sees me through his lens and I still me as someone riddled with flaws.

I got on plane to Manchester 10 years ago, with two suitcases, two bags and my bike to live with someone I was in love with. This couldn't have gone horribly wrong. There was even a time when I thought I might go back home, but through all our challenges I realised we stuck together no matter what. That he accepts me. Before this I was utterly intolerant of flaws or differences, but I understood that you can exist in a relationship with opposite personalities.

I am so grateful to have had two lives.

I am happy with life and I see the future, instead of being obsessed with the past.

In Sight

I blush

His love

Is utterly beautiful

In his eyes

Shimmering

When he looks at me

I Love You Jojo Rabbit

Jojo Rabbit is a beautiful and utterly hilarious film - I haven’t laughed so much at the cinema in a very long time. Taika Waititi wrote and directed this and most importantly cast himself as Hitler. It’s a little bit Wes Anderson in style, a brilliant satire with emotional whimsy. I loved it! 4/5

Top Films of 2010′s

My criteria for a good film is how obsessed and affected I am after watching it. I have watched Ready Player One 6 times in almost 2 years. Still it’s Inception that defines this decade most for me. I consider it Chris Nolan’s best and most accomplished film - it’s a complex story, that marries the emotions of its characters with stunning visuals. Still open to interpretation even after multiple viewings.

In the middle there are films like Robot and Frank, Ruby Sparks and Gravity that I love because of their original narratives.

Then there is Birdman and Dogtooth and these are films I can honestly say are utterly bizarre!

1. Inception 2. Ready Player One 3. The Social Network 4. The End Of The Tour 5. Drive 6. Robot and Frank 7. Ruby Sparks 8. Gravity 9. Toy Story 3 10. American Hustle 11. La La Land 12. Before Midnight 13. The Martian 14. The Shape Of Water 15. Silver Lining Playbook 16. Birdman 17. Moonlight 18. Isle Of Dogs 19. The Artist 20. Dogtooth

Top 5 Films of 2019

Sadly I saw a lot of bad films this year. Joker though was an utter surprise - I spend days thinking and talking about it. Despite my moaning about superhero fare in general, this is an amazing film not just because of Joaquin Phoenix’s performance either. There is so much to love from it’s use of colour, close up camera work and a dance sequence set to Gary Glitter’s Rock and Roll Part II.

I was dubious about Toy Story 4, but this film is a lovely ending to the franchise and dare I say more for adults.

Tarantino is still Tarantino thankfully. Once Upon A Time In Hollywood is totally bonkers, especially the ending.

My top 5 films of 2019:

1. Joker 2. Toy Story 4 3. The Favourite 4. Ford Vs Ferrari 5. Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

“I’m sorry for every word I wrote to change you. I’m sorry for so many things. I couldn’t see you when you were here. And now that you’re gone, I see you everywhere. One may read this and think it’s magic, but falling in love is an act of magic. So is writing. It was once said of Catcher in the Rye, that rare miracle of fiction has again come to pass. A human being has been created out of ink, paper and imagination.”

- Ruby Sparks

Ruby Sparks

It’s a Funny Thing

I’ve been frustrated with myself for a few years now, specifically with my photography. I went from being an amateur (oh that photo is nice) to taking it seriously and thinking “that isn’t good enough, you need to be great - why aren’t you great!”. I hated myself, I felt like it was going to destroy me. This year I decided to be good to myself and part of that meant embracing my failures, allowing myself to fail. I think in order to be creative you really do have to hit rock bottom and I did that a few times. I barely noticed I was changing, but I have arrived at the 8 month of this year and I am realizing I’m evolving as a photographer. I look at my photos now with less disdain and hatred. I take my time to frame and play with setting even if that means less photos are being taken. I feel far less panic about it all and instead I feel excitement.

I’m still not showing many photos yet, but I’m getting closer and hopefully in the next few months I can put them out there like I never have before. It’s funny how things change yet unless you take a minute to pause, to think about your life you might never notice it. “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t look around once and awhile you could miss it. “ I’m tearing up as I write that quote. Even when I was younger and I first saw that film I understood what that meant. The more I grow old, the more I realise that deep down I am still same despite all the heartache of life.

Top 5 films of 2018

We’re a few months into 2019, yet I’m an idiot and forgot to mention the best films of last year!

The last few years it’s been difficult to do my top films of the year. The film industry is sadly losing its magic - the last 8 years it’s been about brands and built in audiences that studios know sell tickets.

Film gambles are fewer, but I’m so thankful that Jason Reitman and Guillermo del Toro are still producing original ideas and reinventing. There was one shining star this year cinema wise though and that film is Ready Player One. 

1. Ready Player One

2. The Shape of Water

3. Tully

4. Incredibles 2 

5. Phantom Thread

Roma

Roma is a beautiful and thoughtful film that moves at a pace that lets the viewer just take it all in. There were shots in it that took my breath away. Director Alfonso Cuaron puts so much heart into his celluloid, whether its a story set in Mexico City or in space (Gravity). I wish I could have watched this film in a cinema, it would have been far more magical there. 4/5

‪“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.“

 - Marilyn Monroe‬

Celluloid forever

Movie are way better than real life. That is cynical I know.

You can rewind it as many times as you like and there isn’t any cloudiness to alter it like the mind does with memories. 

I love this scene from Before Sunset.

I truly believe that reality spoils romance and that they exist in little moments like this and then fade.

It’s not that I don’t have my own beautiful romantic moments in real life, but they are fragmented like so much of my life. Movies just exist in a moment.

Somedays my pity and self-loathing win. I am always looking for inspiration and often times I look to a film to make myself feel better. I love this clip!

Ready Player One

Ready Player One is one is the best films I have seen in quite some time.  I seriously loved it - I am already pondering seeing it again (that hasn't happened since I saw the Matrix and I ended up seeing that film 4 times in the theatre). I feel like its flying under the radar a bit because of its lame trailer. This is a full-on thrilling adventure film with amazing FX.

Steven Spielberg hasn't lost his touch, this is a very meta 80's esque films that has DNA from films such as ET, Goonies and War Games. It's chocked with pop culture and movie references - my little movie geek heart skipped a beat seeing the DeLorean on the big screen again. See it in 4DX, I hate 3D normally, but this is a smooth and stylish transfer. 4.5/5

This Moment

A moment to think

The ability to just be inside of a thought

It’s a luxury

Yet so many people box themselves in (little boxes)

A pink one

A blue one

all their hearts desires

moving with the tide of life

I’m not interested, I just need to freeze this moment

Hatred/me

The darkness inside of me is rising

glistening in unhappiness

confined to my hatred

if only I could escape my mind

if only peace was my agenda