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My body will never be seen as
Androgynous?
or Female? Feminine? Male? Masculine? R I G H T?
no,
It will only ever be m o n s t r o u s
I will never be called
c~u~t~e~
or Pretty? Beautiful?
or Handsome? Charming?
no,
I will only ever look M O N S T R O U S
My gender will never be
g i r l
or
b o y
or
anything?
I will only ever be M O N S T R O U S
For my soul is
a B L I N D I N G light
that only the shadows of life as it passes by.
My skin is made of
d i r t and tar
My kiss is too aciidiic,
My voice is too l o u d,
My touch too r o u g h,
My nails too s h a r p,
My body too w r o n g,
THIS BODY...
this MONSTROUS B O D Y...
This body I have is nothing if not a reflection of the power within me.
Human Eyes will never
S E E w h a t I t r u e l y a m
Human Words will never be able to
D E S C R I B E w h a t I am
For I am just too
incredibly,
horrifyingly,
monstrously,
powerful.
#voices.txt#poetry#???#i had a Feeling#anyways#the format is supposed to be fucked up#i hope it fucks up more depending on where u see it#gender feelings#divine rambling#my words r bad but i like em anyway
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today’s mood:
a Painful Noise in ur head that causes u to just cringe n tense up like ur surrounded by a million speakers in a closet all playing static at max volume, but its silent. its so quiet but its louder than anything you have ever heard. It’s a sound of overwhelming magnitude, but also so quiet and nonexistent that it pulls the air out of you like a vacuum.
#voices.txt#pseriouslypsychosis#unreality maybe??#im not sure...#does this happen to anyone else tho#im trying to figure out how to stop this from happening#i feel like its triggered by nothing#it just happens n its loud but not#maybe im imagining it#lmao badumtss
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the longer i think about Life As Is im torn??? bw... A rich determination to fight n help n work n change my reality and a big need to just hit my head rly hard bc not being conscious is better than thinking of how things can go wrong.. i think im ok.. i dont feel disabled by mental illness or even regular stress, but i can feel something fall apart inside?? i can feel this entity scream n cry n be vulnerable inside bc i cant do that Physically. i need to do some spiritual healing probably. i wish i had a spiritual healer friend
#voices.txt#i told myself i was prob just gonna delete this blog#but its nice to hav a space where it doesnt matter what i say#since no one really sees it#but its still out there#maybe someone will hear me#n thats comforting
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I keep daydreaming, since I’ve started playing St//ar Cro//ssed M///yth, about how if gods REALLY came to me, materialized in front of me and involved themselves in my life, telling me I was a reincarnated god, and all that and just........
I try to think I would be fine, I would help them, continue with my inability to Grasp the Severity of any situation and just Do Whatever. If a god came to me, I should be able to continue to function as myself and rationally handle the Unbelievable Situation, pretty closely to how the MC does (probably not fall in love with them tho). Suppress my Huge Rage n whatever idk
But Considering, I know I would just Break Down. Scream, yell, try to kill them or myself even. I don’t trust myself to be put in this particular situation to do anything other than COMPLETELY LOSE MY MIND. And that’s all I can think about now.
All I can think about is how deep my distrust in God goes. I don’t know how to move on. To rationalize my “”””” delusions “””””” and become a person of faith again (whatever that faith may be), I just dont know how to do it. I want to worship and I want to believe, but gosh......
Those lingering feelings of “All Gods have punished me and I cannot be saved, nor do i deserve to be” are just So Big. I cant even figure out anymore if even was punished. or by who, or why or what has happened to me, i dont know what in my head is real and what i just made up.
Nothing is clear. And its killing me. Regardless of what I was in a past life, i’m human now. I’m flesh and blood and I’m mortal and weak. I’m weak and hungry for the God’s love, as is the human state. yet i still hold on to that Divine Pride. the thing that (if im right) caused me to fall in the first place.
This post is getting too long and im just getting more distraught. I just want answers. but they probably wont ever come, will they?
#voices.txt#religion --#divine ramblings#im dying inside#everything is a mistake#i keep making it worse by thinking about it#but how am i supposed to fix myself if i dont think about it#fucking otome games are ruining my life#but i cant let go of this stupid star god game
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i feel like blasting loud music n screaming n crying but honestly i havent been able to express emotion v well lately
#voices.txt#i cried rly bad at work bc a Terrible Fucked Up Joke#n im p good at being angry#but thats about it
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Are these fingers of mine still holy? Will my touch still mean something if the gold lining my soul finally turns to dust?
They say humans are made of star dust, but is my current body the only thing with the remnants of home? or does my soul have it as well? Am i still the stars? am i still the galaxies? am i still the worlds i have birthed?
Am i really nothing? Have I really lost it all? Did I have anything to begin with? I was made to serve, to work, to make, to do what i was ordered, but does that make me nothing? a part of a pantheon so big it swallows this universe and the next? was i only as good as the God I served?
Questions met with this Undying Silence only brings sadness to my heart. I wish the Gods would come to me. I don’t know who to ask to answer the curiosity thats Killing me.... I should figure this out with meditation...... i guess....
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break it. destroy it. rip it apart. tear it all down. destroy everything you love just because you can. smash it all. watch it all come apart. burn it down. shatter it.
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Ya know... Maybe I'm not too far from divinity like I thought... Maybe I'm actually getting closer?? Maybe I've just forgotten how to access it... Maybe there was no sin??
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I'm actually p new to it myself!! I'm mostly in the "researching about it n trying to decide how I wanna practice" kinda stage rather than Really Deep into Actually Worshiping. If ur interested in learning together, I can give u like discord/skype/line/etc info if you'd like or we can IM on here n discuss kinda like "specifics", for lack of a better term! If you'd like to kinda research into it before/you'd rather worship on ur own, I can link u to resources/blogs I found useful if you'd like as well!
If ur a Fellow Mentally Ill Person (or just someone who has trouble getting motivation/problems w executive function etc) n ur a Hellenic polytheist who would be interested in like, worshiping together??? Like help motivate each other to pray/do rituals/make offerings/etc n maybe talk about the gods n stuff like that??? Hmu maybe???
#replies#schizoidsyd#the whole learn together kinda thing sounds demanding but idk how to change it#there's no obligation or commitment in there tho#which is my intention#u can change ur mind anytime#also don't feel pressured to reply or anything#religion --
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y’all this song really got me in my chest 10 years later…
NO, NO, NO ONE ELSE…I’D RATHER RESCUE MYSELF
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If ur a Fellow Mentally Ill Person (or just someone who has trouble getting motivation/problems w executive function etc) n ur a Hellenic polytheist who would be interested in like, worshiping together??? Like help motivate each other to pray/do rituals/make offerings/etc n maybe talk about the gods n stuff like that??? Hmu maybe???
#voices.txt#hellenismos#hellenic polytheism#actuallyborderline#pseriouslypsychosis#actuallydepressed#(putting it in those tags bc those r my diagnosis#I'm just looking for a community 😭#I just wanna fix my relationship w the theoi bc Depression n Self loathing n doubt messed me up#I just need help...#n I'd love to help other people too!!
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Tfw ur not a cute girl or a handsome boy or an attractive nb person but instead a living gargoyle w decaying skin n self esteem
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I really want to use this blog more. Like it's mostly anonymous since like no one I know follows me on here or knows about it n I think it might be a better venting space, but like I put a Standard on this blog. Like Mental Illness n Kin stuff N like honestly????? I'm in limbo w both of those things??? I've stopped meds all together so I hoped it would come back but since I started them like all those Kin Feels feel so distant n empty. I don't feel Human but I don't feel anything at all?? I don't think I'm anything at all. A hollow shell w a flickering soul that's just trying to stick to something n feel Real. Alive. N then w like my Mental State I feel Dead. Everything is p dull. Life drones on, the Routine is constant, sometimes things feel Good but in the end it's a muddled feeling that gets replaced but bitterness n a longing to Stop. Nothing matters. But at the same time I don't feel... ill enough. I'm suicidal but is it really suicidal or is it just left overs of before n feeling apathetic n wanting to stop all responsibility is what I'm really feeling?? I don't feel delusional bc it's not delusions bc what I believe is sort of like a form of religion n spiritual belief so it's different, I'm sure. I haven't had any hallucinations so ya know. I'm missing Key Things to me. I'm Regressing in what they told me is Recovery but at the same time I'll never be where I once was, so where am I? What is left of me? What identity do I have anymore? It's not Healthy Human, but it's not... Whatever my motley was. I guess, typing this all out, I do hav some stuff to talk about lmao.... I just feel like it's not Right. Not what I made this for. But at the same time I guess it is? I also don't really want to clog this w religion talk n stuff but I probably will if given the spoons n Sadness, but I'll tag it of course so yeah.... I'm rambling n I'm on mobile bc I can't bring myself to sit at a computer so I can't make a readmore. Sorry. I just feel bad for being inactive....
#voices.txt#long post --#like if u can pls??#don't feel obligated I just wanna see who is paying attention or if I'm screaming into a void
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me: hey do u wanna do x w me
fp: nah not right now
me: *pouring gasoline on self* okay no problem :^)
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i thought finding a religion i could pour myself into would save me. but i forgot that im discarded. unwanted. unworthy. useless and terrible. im lazy, forgetful, disgusting excuse for a human and i am a fool for thinking that i would be capable of worshiping deities so full of light and hope and beauty when i am this. why would any god look brightly upon me? what have i ever done to deserve it. i cant keep promises, i cant be consistent, i cant be the devotee they deserve and i want to die
#voices.txt#religion --#i just want to feel loved#to have hope about this world and the next#but ive been rejected by one god#why would any other want me
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