gmtmg41
Just me
just a girl who is trying to understand
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So I'm using this one because tonight it seems like I'm trending towards no sleep.
I've missed Rodger something terrible. He is here for like 36 hours and I'm so happy. I know. Technically he's Matt's bestie but I love him and I've missed him. And I'm laying here in bed listening to the two of them talking and it makes me feel more at home than I've felt since being back from KY in July
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This grief has a gravity it pulls me down. But a tiny voice whispers in my mind you are lost, hope is gone
This night was a little rough. But that's ok
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Today ended much better than it started.
I woke up with the leftovers from brain being manic all night. And at first I was like ok. Ok. I can deal. And then I kept making mistake after mistake after mistake and they just piled up and I couldn't stop obsessing over them.
Eventually I walked away for the day, it had to be better than making a million mistakes. Went to do some physical work to try work through it. Sent some dirty photos, more on those after. And my brain seemed to work itself our.
Dirty photos! I mean I woke up this my boudoir photos ready for me to look at pre-edit. And I was like oh yay! But also what if I hate them all? What if they are all terrible. What if what if what if what if.
So I asked for a second opinion, well was more or less told I'd be getting one. Sent them the link. Got told it just made them want to see me naked and that they are allamazing. And it helped me see them better. Got a third opinion from a girl friend and now I think I'm in love with them?
I don't know man. It's been a weird kind of day. Like I know it's only been one day hut it feels like 12.
My temptation to share one of my photos here is very high but also don't want tumblr to take the post down
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Ya know some days grief us just a little ball in the corner of your mind.
Other days. Other days, it's a beast that follows you around.
Today was one of the second ones. Today I miss my dad. I miss him just being there for me to text if I wanted to. Because he was always my biggest supporter. And some days i miss knowing he always had my back. Even if I didn't hear from him
I don't talk about him that often because when I do, I inevitably end up crying because grief to me is a growing and changing beast. And for me it's going to be a part of me forever.
I'd like to think he would be proud of what I've done in life. And that he would support whatever I chose to do. I just wish he was here to tell me and to help me. And there are so many things I wish
I haven't even been able to make myself look at the books he left me. I. I just can't. I'm afraid that if I look at them and deal with them then even 2.5 years after he's gone I'll finally have to admit it to myself. Admit that he'll never get to see me have kids. Or graduate college or open that bookstore I want to. Or do anything else in life.
And honestly I'm still not ready to admit that. I'm not ready to say he's gone.
So if you're dealing with grief just know that you aren't alone. It changes and is different for everyone.
This was all brought on by zoeys extraordinary playlist. Sometimes something as simple as a show, not even season 1 of this one which literally wrecked me, can bring it all back.
Also sometimes you just have to let the sad out. It helps.
#grief#what is grief if not love persevering#dealing with grief#zoeys extraordinary playlist#Spotify
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So. I'm trying to be better about posting here. It's gonna be short tonight. Today was long bur not exhausting. Back on my meds tonight which means I'm gonna pass out soon. Very soon
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I have been bad and not been doing this. I need to do it though because now I have no anxiety meds because I desperately need a new psychiatrist.
This is Day 2 of no meds. Already can feel the difference. I haven't been sleeping really. I've been getting better sleep after I take my shower at 4 am than I do at night. And I can't concentrate on my office job at all to be honest.
Ok. Got to be better
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Oh man I'm rewatchinf this while waiting for my aloe to soak in. And. And watching Nina. It's exactly how every kid who grows up in Kentucky feels.
Like. I remember every one being proud that I was leaving, even if it was for Matt's job. I was getting out! But there was so much pressure- I'm supposed to bring it back! I'm supposed to help it grow! And that pressure. The lack of community, the pressure to do more, to be more, to make KY better! I know it's not the same but I get it.
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Day 6/26/21
Alright yanother day of feelings!
Today's feelings
Meh
Sleepy
Anxious
ADHD brain
Today wasn't too bad. Work went well. I didn't get anxious there though there's still a weird air between me and Mikey. But whatever. Vacation is soooooon
I did try to take an anxiety nap by accident but my brain is just tired today. And also anxious because I'm turning 30 tomorrow and that's a lot of feelings.
Im.also- and I know this is thr anxiety talking- font think I'll get my birthday donut from glazy and if I don't I'm going to be honestly disappointed and sad. I joke that my birthday is my favorite holiday but I love my birthday. It's only second to like Thanksgiving because I like cooking.
Ok. Not alot to report today which is good.
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Reblog if you鈥檙e bisexual, support bisexual people or are actually a bunch of tiny velociraptors in a human suit
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Day 6/25/21
Well I forgot but let's see if I'm capable of summing up yesterday's feelings
Anxious
Thankful
Regretful
A little hopeful maybe?
Yesterday had a lot of feelings. I sent tavia another message- offering to take them both out to eat. Travis suggested I send it because maybe if there was a time limit she'd finally answer me.
So I sent it. And I was talking with Travis and work was busy ish but I looked down and saw that she had angry reacted and I fucking freaked the fuck out. Like full blown panic. It. It was terrifying. I had switched my meds back and so I was already reeling. And then that. And I freaked the fuck out.
I was distracted and we broke our streak but it helped calm me back down. And also being told what to do helped me come back from the panic.
And then she messaged me. Which. Honestly I was never expecting at this point. Travis could a she wanted to all he wanted but I didn't believe him. And it was what I expected. She had every right to be mad and upset and everything with me. And I deserved it. And so then I obsessively read it for hours.
And finally responded qt the end of the day- taking travis' advice to do the same thing she did and be completely honest. It was kind of painful but I. I hope it helps.
The rest of the night was spent working and doing house shit. But that was yesterday y'all
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Day 6/24/21
Oh look another day.
Today I feel:
Ok
A little manic
Slightly underappreciated
Kind of happy
Ok. Today was mostly a good day. I was angry to start the day but I worked through it because I'm an adult and I can't get mad when people don't answer right when I want.
Had a good day of making jokes and talking. Only sore point was the surprise food infection. That only went as well as it did because I'm still able to flirt my way out of things.
It was an ok day. My adhd is running rampant but that I can deal with. I think?
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Day 6/23/21
Well look another day of doing this. Today's feelings
Heavy
Manic
Anxious
Lonely
Heads full of cotton
Today started out pretty good. Made some terrible jokes about onlyfans. Talked about the pain of wishing netflix would get it's original content together. Got some work done. Pretty good. Until 12. Then my meds started wearing off.
I had to switch back to my old meds- which are much better then the new stuff that they put me on. But it's not extended release. Which means it starts wearing off. By 2 it felt like my brain was going at a million miles per hour and I couldn't focus on anything.
And when my brain gets like that it kind of disassociates with my body. By the time that I realized that I tore up my shoulders it was too late to take it back. They have marks all over them and I need to hide them for at least a couple of days.
I. I had asked for something to focus on- I'd take anything whether that was listing my favorite transformers or the best characters in the mcu. I would have taken anything but I know. I have to stop leaning on him or anyone. The only person I can count on is me. I know that. I know that. I know that. I know. I know.
Fuck. I feel like sometimes I'd be better off not relying on anyone. At least then I wouldn't be q burden. I. I need to stop talking to people about this. I. I think I have to. It makes me rely on people and I can't keep making people deal with me. I can't.
For my future reference here's a photo of one of my shoulders.
Fuck. My brain is just heavy now.
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Day 6/22/2021
Alright day two of doing this. Let's see how I feel today-
Overall feelings-
Anxious
Frustrated
Physically tired
Sad and lonely
Just fine
Meh
Physically I'm pretty tired- had to move all the bags of flour at work from the bottom floor all the way to the store. It weighed like 350 pounds. So my thighs and calves are sore and I'm so out of shape.
Made travis rank his favorite tswift albums because it's what we do. I mean we ranked everything we've liked just so we can see where we match and then bicker about what we don't. I've missed it.
I just feel anxious and meh. And sad.
Good news- my mom wants to throw me a birthday party! Which is super sweet. I haven't had a true birthday party since I was 21 so this could be fun? I think?
Bad news- I don't think I have any friends to invite. God that's depressing to write down. I asked Travis if him.and Tavia would even consider coming. I know they won't. And he more or less said that. But. I. I thought maybe there was a chance. I.... I don't know what I thought... I fuckong knew it wasn't going to happen. But it made me so incredibly sad but not surprised.
I shouldn't have asked. I just should've kept my fuckong mouth shut. Fuck. This is going to make the rest of my day shit. I mean it has for hours. I mentioned it at like 6 and. And. And. And. Fuck. I need to learn to think before I speak. And I can't. And I almost never do when it comes to Travis. I never think that I screwed up this relationship so much that I can't even ask him to come to my birthday. And fuck. I can't. And that makes me so fucking sad. And it makes me hate myself a little bit.
And just to confirm that I'll never get my friendship.back with Tavia I decided to pull out my tarot set. And it basically said that too and it just reinforced me feeling this way. Which feels like a bad thing to do. But it's too late. I already did it. And maybe it'll be wrong maybe she will at least want to speak to me. But I doubt it.
And now I'm going to go on hating myself because that's where I am today.
I thought today was going to be so good too. Good to know I can always disappoint myself just as much as I disappoint everyone else around me.
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Day- 6/21/21
Well.
I guess I'm going to start using this to talk about my day.
Overall feelings- uselessness, exhaustion, depressed, overwhelmed
I didn't really accomplish anything today. I was supposed to go to campus to work but got out of it because honestly my brain couldn't handle it today. I. I just wanted to be a burrito on the couch. I wanted to lay o. The couch and be sad for reasons that I'm still not sure of. So I did that. I laid on the couch, and was q burrito of emotions. And I only occasionally reached out to talk to anyone that messaged me.
I decided at like 4 to finally shower and do something. So for 2 hours I was closely resembling a functioning human. I did decide to put on the Bo Burnham special and that may have been a mistake. Mostly because I'm not in the best headspace myself so I thought this was good idea for reasons? I was mostly fine until I got to All Eyes on Me. And well. You say the whole world's ending- honey it already did. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My brain keeps obsessing over that line.
Well. To wrap up the night- I'm going to eat my feelings. And that should prevent me from passing out like I did on Sunday.
Oh yea. I went to work on Sunday for 5 am. Feeling OK not great assuming it was from my general lack of sleep lately. I'm there for like 45 minutes when I start overheating. And then I don't remember sitting but then I'm on the floor and my boss comes over and sends me home. I was white. I had no color. I'm hoping it was from dehydration and lack of food. But it could just be the anxiety. I don't know.
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I should have picked a better metal health day to watch this special.
All I've done all day is take depression naps off and on and my great decision is to watch this special.
Also- that 30 song? A little too real. I turn 30 in 6 days.... fuck
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to all the people from my past,
im sorry for hurting you. i promise im trying to be better. you may not forgive me, and i dont blame you. i just hope you鈥檙e still around, and that you鈥檝e found people who treat you better.
sincerely,
T
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