27 October 2015 19:05 (Dienstag)

Was journaling just now. Wrote this down. I love myself. I hate myself. I hate loving myself. I love hating myself. There. Win-win

27/10/15 15:46 (Dienstag)

Most of the time, life carries on with whatever it's doing. But sometimes. Just ... ... Sometimes... ... I'm struck by an almost existential crisis. What am I doing here? What have I been doing all these time? Does anything really matter after all? What am I here for? Do I matter? To anything? To anyone? ... Just for a split second. And after the second hand of the clock move on to the next second, life carries on as per normal, as though I've been overthinking. It's just me and my overactive mind. Is what it seems.

01Oct15(Donnerstag) 21:33

... Miraculously, you’re the only person I have ever associated myself with and am trying very very hard to hold you at a distance. ... It’s annoying for me. I decided that I have had enough. And my friends back home know me well enough that I’m comfortable telling them everything. And they know. In fact, some of them probably held utmost disdain for you before I started turning my back on you.

Why is that so? I’ve asked myself that many times over. I’m not usually someone who will flip out on someone else so easily. Then today, after your message, I realised. You’re clingier than all my friends put together (yes, I can count my friends, not quite on one hand though. I’ve got eleven friends, whom I can spill absolutely anything to.) If that doesn’t say anything, I dunno what else would. 

In your dictionary, you have friends and not friends. In mine, it’s a lot wider. close friends, friends, people I know/ have interacted with who clearly are more than just acquaintances, acquaintances, people whom I know and if Fate allows, I’d love to get to know them, but nope, I know them by name and it’s mostly one-sided. Strangers. You see? You asked me if we still were friends or not. My thought process is complex. As much as I’d love to stick you in the acquaintances section, truth is, you’d have a category all by yourself: people I would have considered close friends at one point in time but decided against it and have now decided that a half level below acquaintance is the way to go. How do you want me to explain this to you? It’s infuriating to me, don’t you see?

It is pissing me off a lot, truth be told. But now, less so than last time. I’m considering doing all that pushing and pulling cos on one hand, it’s just so much easier for me, a small part of me still wants to directly cut you off from that piece of rope that is already fraying. And a last part of me... is quite similar to the first part I’ve mentioned. To push and pull. If I were cynical and completely detached with full control over my emotions, I’d basically be playing a game. Playing your game. But I’ll win. Cos emotions is my territory. And you. You’ve stepped onto the wrong territory mate. I’m a better puppeteer than you’d ever have known. 

Good Luck. 

Donnerstag, 1 Oktober 2015, 18:57

I'm keeping a daily journal (more or less) and this is just a little something that I have written in it: I have this weird thing where I smile at strangers. establish eye contact and then smile. There and then, even if just for a split second, you've established a connection. When people return a big, bright smile, that's really the best. I go and wonder in my mind," they look more than awesome with that smile on their face." Some little hesitant smiles, some warm smiles, some bright smiles. And just sometimes, after numerous people just don't respond but you continue smiling at strangers anyway, and this one stranger returns you a bright and cherry smile, you just can't ask for anything more in life. Everyone looks good with a smile. Joy and sadness, emotions. Aren't they a common language?

12sept2015 samstag 02:10

Went to watch a concert at the Esplanade with dear friends yesterday evening/night! :) it was a bloody brilliant blast! Jazz music, it leaves a subtle tingly aftertaste ;) for real. I was reading the biographies and it's just almost so surreal reading about how they all have different lives and were in various cities and were brought together by music. I've heard enough of how common things like music or literature or makeup or dance or sports bring people from different background together. But this. This. It's like a realization of what's happening, of what could happen. I love my friends to bits. They don't bat an eyelid when I pause to look at CDs or buy CDs. Maybe an eye roll or 又来了 sometimes 😂😂😂 but they understand. I'm grateful for their friendship, really. I keep thinking that I'm not necessarily an easy person to get along with. So that I have friends with me, by my side for years, I'm so immensely grateful. How I even got to talking about this, I have no idea. Testament to how tired I am probably. I hardly ever keep awake till this ungodly hour. Yes, this is an ungodly hour to me, I'm not a night owl like some of you guys. 😂😂 I suppose spending time with my friends and realizing that within two or three weeks I'll be on the plane flying out 12 hours away from here that struck me bah... It's gonna be a really long time before I next get to see my friends. In the meantime, to bask in the joy of being in the same time zone with them for now~ 😉😘

Montag 7/9/15 22:29

Just bought more vinyl... Couldn't resist. Hehe these three I bought today are all jazz~ ;) I imagine a nice warm gathering with my friends one fine day in the unknown future, where we lounge around listening to records all day long. :D haha wishful thinking ain't it?

Sonntag 6/9/15 17:03

Vinyl!!! Buy 4 get 1 free~ so I have five new vinyls! at the price of ~S$30 for each (averaged out) that's a damn good deal~ (for me at least) I'm pleased with the system right now~ but I eventually do hope that I have an extensive collection and hopefully a better system and a better space for it as well~ ;)

Sonntag 6/9/15 10:38

Made my first ever pancakes ever!! Of course with my parents' help. :) I did wish that we had more of these family activities together when I was younger... Sadly and evidently, these don't happen often. :(

2sept2015 18:02

I’m quite sure that one of my friends, whom I met last October, is a narcissist. I was reading up on traits of narcissism on and off. And I took notice of things which I somehow missed out on this time. I am extremely unfond of and almost disgusted by narcissist. And so I try to be quite careful (as I can be) when trying to label like this on someone. But he has infuriated me on multiple occasions. I don’t forget. And it’s really hard for me to even forgive. Though most of the animosity I hold isn’t because I felt offended directly. It’s more of… Why-the-fucking-hell-am-I-friends-with-him. -.- pissing as hell.

Dienstag (17 March) 10.22am

You brought this on yourself. You were the one who chose not to go practice. Don’t you dare fucking whine or make up excuses. Don’t you dare feel wronged either. It’s your fault, your fucking fault and you better suck it up.

Samstag (22Feb2015) 09:59

What's the matter now? Things aren't quite turning out your way? I seem different from when I was back in our homeland? I don't always so easily agree to whatever you have to say? I don't always think your way anymore? Guess what, this isn't new. I was like this since couple years back. But you were always so easy to rile up. A tad too easy for that matter. You'd act huffy and all. It's tiring to deal with it. Accommodating to other people's needs, I can do that. Well, I believe I can. But it's exhausting. I've been more or less doing that for years. How much do you know me? How much more do you not know me? Three years ago, when we were randomly walking, you commented that the sky looked nice. And I replied with something quite noncommittal. What my precise words were, I can't remember. Either way, you stared at me for a while and remarked that I changed. Mebbe it was from then, mebbe after, or maybe before. I couldn't cope with the schoolwork. I remembered things I didn't use to care about. And started to wonder how my formative years, how the environment I grew up in formed me. Remembering things like, I didn't really have friends in primary school. That the first friend I made was when I was 11. And that friendship didn't last more than a year and a half tops. That I only started to learn how to make friends, how to be a friend only in secondary school, when I was 13. And remembering made me lonely, it made me feel angry, despondent, isolated. You don't know any of that, do you? Cos I don't tell you, cos you have no business with that knowledge. I feel like I have been let down by the system. Started to dislike it. This rat race. People get A's only because people get U's. Why don't we see it? Yeah, it's based on merit, but it's harsh. You can say that it is life, but is this the only way to live? You were the one who wanted to come here. All I did was try to match your level of enthusiasm. And now? You're disappointed. Has it ever occurred to you that aside from being my parents, you guys are nth else to me? Just my parents. If you sit back and just look at us, we don't have the worst relationship, but neither do we have the best. Yeah, it could have been worse, and for that, I'm grateful. It's exhausting. It really is. You candid, not-so-subtle accusations. What do you want me to do then? I'm not going to cajole you like I did five years ago. I grew out of it. You might ask me what happened, well, my answer is this, "life happened".

Corsican vendetta knife with floral detail

che la mia ferita sia mortale "may my wound be deadly"

And you happen to be seeing it now. Can't deal with it? Too bad

･ﾟataraxy･ﾟ

･ﾟataraxy･ﾟ

Samstag (14/02/15) 17:34

First semester is over. It ended really nicely. Three day of concerts featuring the bands whom have been meeting and playing regularly for the entire semester (more like the school somehow put us into the bands). I was fortunate to be in two bands. At first, when I realized I was in two bands, I kind of panicked. Thoughts like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna screw up so badly, I don't know what is expected of me, they kept running through my head. But now, I am grateful. I got to meet people, make music with them. I played on Wednesday and Thursday. And had the chance to but relax and listen to the music on Friday. It's really an amazing learning experience, going through the process of playing in band, performing and then in turn, watch others perform. The thing that I knew, but never really felt it with my heart, was the idea of the performer also being an entertainer. These few days of concerts jolted me to realize just how true that was. And how important it is. Stage presence, there isn't an absolute right or wrong, neither is there a rule book to follow and know that you'll definitely be well-received. Well, Mebbe there is, I don't know. But one thing that kept running through my head, was that I wish I was more confident and comfortable doing what I do on stage. I felt that again and again. It tugs at my soul, I enjoy the music, but I can only stand rock still, and stare wistfully at the stage from against the wall, where I stand. I yearn to be better, to be more confident, to be able to just enjoy being on stage, to be able to make the audience smile. But how? I don't know. But the only thing I know I can do right now is to practice, so practice it is.

love how happy tumblr got when the new meme became popular so they could ignore leelah alcorn and the voices of trans women