1 of Sam's perfect memories being the night he left for Stanford is so fucking sad. he wanted so desperately to be extant from his family, in control, a Real Adult. to be strong enough to leave the only people you've ever known or loved. to trust yourself like that. I'm sure others have said this but when he leaves Dean to go kill Lilith in season 4 it's literally an exact parallel of him leaving John for Stanford, right down to the 'if you walk out that door, don't you ever come back'. number one way to ENSURE that sam 'autonomy issues' winchester walks out that door. to trust yourself again, to give going it alone a shot, AGAIN. and to have to come limping back again. to have your two absolute expressions of individuality and autonomy A) kill the woman you love, and B) literally end the world. you can't make your own decisions, you're never in control, someone (brady, ruby, azazel) is always manipulating you and you should feel sorry for even trying.

Rewatching supernatural from s1 is like watching an animal be raised for slaughter. Like it genuinely hurts my heart. Sorry Sam, full as you are of anger, and passion, and ambition to fight for a way out, a better life, your destiny hangs over you like the unseen axe head. Sorry, yeah everything you have ever done has been to claw your way out, for survival - you may be in uni now but you're still on the farm. Sorry dude I wish I could get you out of it too but its inescapable, it's IN you, you don't know it yet but it is. Yikes.

Alternatively watching supernatural from s1 is great. Gothic horror, monster adventures and strained family relationships yes please. Let's hunt monsters whilst working out our deep seated issues about our father and how his treatment of us had turned by fundamentally into the people we are now. Yippee.

Life will never be the same now that my family knows how genuinely obsessive I get when I'm into a TV show. It's normally not so obvious because I watch things on my ipad but now because of a streaming service that is only on the TV I have to watch my show in the living room on the TV so now they're just being confronted with the fact that I am genuinely insane.

The other day I was talking about something to do with criminal minds (what I'm watching rn) and my mum goes ".... do you believe in star signs?" and I'm like "err no not really" and she's like "huh". So I'm like ".... why do you ask" and she goes "Oh nothing it's just you remind me of my brother who's also a virgo."

So crazy obsessive uncle steve? That's who we're talking about? Crazy uncle steve who owns 17 fish tanks and over 300 fish?? That guy?? That's who I remind you of??

Okay........

Genuinely, I don't think I've ever seen a tv show have such bad retrograde amnesia with a character's backstory as with Hotch in criminal minds because why does he have the most confuddled family history?? His dad died of a heart attack at 47. Ok. His dad also had lung cancer... ok?? Heavily suggested in one ep his dad also violently abused him.. yikes... He was also a lawyer and Hotch followed in his footsteps and seems critical of his brother not doing the same.. alright.. Mum is a non-existent figure. I assumed in s1 he was like mid 30s but then he was a prosecutor a while before joining the FBI and then made his way up to unit chief.. at what 35?? Then his younger brother is also 25?? What does his timeline even look like rn..??

And sure, in a show with 16 seasons things get a little crazy - but this is s4??!!!! They just have him say stuff and are like yeah we're not going to fact check that haha.

catholic chase enthusiasts can i get a hell yeah

There were a lot of times where I was just about bawling my eyes out in s3 of Young Royals, but I think the funniest thing was August at that strike saying that no actually guys hear me out hunger feels good once you get past the nausea and dizziness!! and everyone around him just looking at him like girl no wtf is wrong with you. He really thought everyone would be with him for that.

So I get it, House is a pretty messed up guy. Old news. I already knew that coming in to the show. But nothing prepared me for how genuinely batshit insane Wilson is. He offers to pay back a patients loan on his house because he got a diagnosis wrong. He donated a piece of his liver to his patient who was only a vague friend who he doesn't even seem to enjoy hanging out with that much. He noticed his patient had depression purely because he didn't talk about his grandkids. He was going to jeopardise his entire career to make a euthanasia speech because one of his patients suffered all the way to his death. He drove a patient home, did her groceries, cleaned her house and then slept with her. Not to mention he like is the only one who can actually mess back with House with his crazy manipulation tactics, like he can fr be an incredibly manipulative schemer if he thinks its for House's (or occasionally someone else's) benefit.

Just damn. He is crazy.

........there is no way this guy had a healthy relationship with his parents.

Lucifer!Sam - 5x22

Soulless!Sam - 6x22

How am I just supposed to carry on with my life after 6.08 of House md. HOWWWWW?????!!!!! Kill myself that was gut wrenching. Never had I had such a punch to the gut like that ending was. Cameron telling House that she loved him. Telling him about how all he cares about is sweeping and manipulating people into his puzzles and games. "You'll poison [Taub and Thirteen] just like you poisoned Chase ... you ruined him."

Oh my god. I cannot believe they just made me watch that.

The building tension between Chase and Cameron in this episode in the fact that the only way Cameron could continue to be with him was to believe that killing Dibala wasn't his fault but House's - that Chase was his "personal sock puppet", and that to move beyond this they had to leave.

Comparatively, Chase struggles to wrap his head around the fact that Cameron forgives him for an act that he perceives was not only the "worst thing [he's] ever done", but entirely his fault. He's spent the past few episodes overwhelmed with emotions he doesn't know how to deal with. House told him to get some help and Chase interprets this as going to confession where he just begs the priest to give him a way to achieve atonement and lift the burden off of him. And then when the priest tells him there's no way to do that without taking responsibility for his actions he just goes to the bar so long Cameron almost reports him missing and drinks himself half to death. So I think the reason he struggles so much to understand why Cameron forgives him is because he doesn't forgive himself - he doesn't regret what he did and still thinks it was the right thing to do but that doesn't mean he isn't wrought with shame and guilt because of it. And then he slowly realises throughout this episode that Cameron hasn't really forgiven him - she just doesn't believe he was at fault. But he can't run away from what he did and, probably more importantly, he doesn't want to leave House. He tells Cameron that killing Dibala was his fault and despite everything, he'd do it again.

And then - you ruined him - Cameron says to House. Jesus Christ just kill me. 'You broke him beyond repair'. Because despite Cameron's penchant for broken people, she doesn't want them to be beyond repair, emotionally.

"I'm sorry for you both. For what you've become. Because... there's no way back for either of you."

UGGHHHJFNEWJONORGOW

Honestly, as much as House fucked with Taub, Thirteen and Kutner, it wasn't like with his original fellows. He didn't change them, fundamentally, like he did with Foreman, Chase and Cameron. Each of them has a slightly different breed of a complicated, messed up relationship with House that no one else (not even each other) will ever understand - and now none of them can truly leave. They're stuck there in that hospital, in some way, with House forever, seeing reflections of House in each other and in themselves like a disease. Like Cameron says in 5.13 "I'll always say yes to House. I studied under him. He's in my head." And Foreman too is 'ruined' - he got away from House, begins acting just like him and now he is entirely un-hirable - here is the only place he has to go. And I think the fact that Chase was the only fellow in s3 who was fired by House (rather than leaving himself), and then came back to the same hospital (with Cameron) to work as a surgeon is rather telling. He referred to House as God, he maybe received the worst treatment from House and still sucked up to him the most for his approval and validation, he's a capable and intelligent doctor but yet in the diagnostics team he bases his diagnosing suggestions off of House like he's his entire frame of reference right from s1 (making diagnoses not based on actual medical knowledge but how House reacts to each of them, how he phrases his questions, how he starts the conversation).

Jesus christ. Just the way that he fundamentally altered something deep inside each of them, irrevocably, is just sooooooo... RAHHHHDJBFJBFHFEOFHEW.

This show man what in the world.

Erm. On to episode 9 I guess.

character for girls with dads who were unhealthily attached to them when they were teenagers living under his thumb. and girls with mental health issues that made ppl around them treat them like they were combustible. and girls who consciously shrink themselves so as not to be seen as a threat. and girls whose number 1 fear is ending up trapped in a relationship with their dad again but they miss the warning signs when they’re there. and girls who think it would be best for everyone if they never had children but part of them aches at the imaginary loss.

sam winchester btw

That episode where Chase's dad just randomly shows up at the hospital is just like wow kill me but its the final conversation he has with House that is just UGH. The fact that House is ABOUT to tell him that his dad has cancer (that he's not telling him about), he goes 'I know you hate your dad-' but Chase interrupts him and is like I don't hate him, I've just learnt it is easier just not to care. He's reached out to his dad so many times as a kid only to be left alone that it's just easier to pretend he's not affected by it anymore - 'I've given him enough hugs, he's given me enough disappointments'. And that's what does it. House literally had the words in his mouth about to go yeah your dad's gonna die in four months how rad haha, but after hearing that Chase actually doesn't hate him, he just can't do it and backs down. AND THEN despite the fact that Chase thought he had given his dad enough hugs, enough second chances, he STILL goes to see him as he leaves, asks if he has time for a drink, and hugs him. There's still a piece inside of him hanging on after all.......... that's about to get blown up in his face when his dad dies in s2.........

Its the fact that this is the last hug they'll ever get - and his dad KNOWS this, just the way he sinks into Chase for a moment - DEATH PENALTY TO HOWEVER MADE THAT CREATIVE DECISION. It's the fact that he will never get the chance to reconcile his relationship with his dad, it's going to remain broken and unfulfilled forever.

This stupid stupid show omg these doctors should not be this mentally unstable.

Not saying I would punch out a guy who has cancer but Chase's dad..................................

lebanon / don’t go in the woods

2x13 // 4x04

I wanted to believe ... so badly, ah ... It's so damn hard to do this, what we do. You're all alone, you know? And ... there's so much evil out there in the world, Dean, I feel like I could drown in it. And when I think about my destiny, when I think about how I could end up...I needed to think that there was something else, watching too, you know? Some higher power. Some greater good. I've got demon blood in me, Dean! This disease pumping through my veins, and I can't ever rip it out or scrub it clean! I'm a whole new level of freak! And I'm just trying to take this - this curse... and make something good out of it. Because I have to.

Thank youuuu for tagging me 😭😭

Last Song

Go by Nct Dream (randomly)

Currently watching

currently on s3 of House md which I have downed like a maniac because once I'm in something I'm IN.

.... really only that cause I can only afford one all consuming piece of media at the time lol.

Currently reading

Finally on holidays again for a few weeks after my exam so getting back into reading lol

Just started The Three Body Problem by Cixin Liu (accidently read a large portion of the second book from the library before the first....) , v v interesting so far I really like it.

also currently half way through rereading The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan - first novel from the Heroes of Olympus series.

Current favourite

Supernatural obviously,,, perhaps unfortunately for me but it's a lot of fun and I love tearing media apart (in an analytical sense) haha. Also it has Sam Winchester in it <<<3333.

ACE ATTORNEY. You guys should be glad I had finished playing it when I signed up to tumblr cause otherwise you would've NEVER heard the end of it. Thinking of replaying it again soon tho so brace yourselves cause although I've talked A LOT abt spn just know that whenever I'd mention ace attorney at the dinner table my parents used to go alright and bring out the timer.

Feel super awkward tagging people but I love hearing about what other people are interested in!!! So just consider it directed to you personally <3.

QUESTIONNAIRE TAG GAME Thanks for the tag @uncertainwallflower

Last Song

Lonesome and Mad by Under the Rug, Ariel Posen

Currently Watching

Shadow and Bone (Season Two) and LOVING IT

Currently Reading

Sex and Rage by Eve Babitz

I need to read more fanfics so please recommend me your favourites! (Or ones you wrote yourself.) 🙏

Current Favourites

I finished my first knitting project ever and now I'm obsessed! Gosh, I just love creating.

Also super into growing chillies lately 🌶️

Tags @startanewdream @practicecourts @blitheringmcgonagall @annasghosts @jamesunderwater

I never got the crusts cut off my PB & J.

favorite character from any media BUT it has to be a woman. in the tags now go (pls talk to me about your favorite fictional women pls pls pls pls)

So I just have to go to dinner and pretend like I didn't just watch Chase in 2.22 of House md be distraught over his infant patient dying after he spent at least 10 hours straight with it, then have to be the one to do the autopsy on it's little infant corpse as he recites (known hater of nuns and seminary school drop-out) the last rites in this empty morgue and apoligises. I just have to go to dinner and act happy? Like I can just move on? Are you kidding me?