fellelouise
Fellelouise
Life + Architecture
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It's my 11 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳
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One thing that's keeping me from deleting my Tumblr account are the memories posted here during it's peak era.
I want to be able to still open my Tumblr account, read my old stuff. It feels like I am talking to my old self, reassuring myself that everything will work out, even if it feels like it's the end of things.
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New Year, New Me.
Char.
2024 na, posting my first site visit of the year. Also, magaanniversary narin itong commercial project ko. It feels so surreal to be able to witness ung drawing ko from paper to reality. It feels like a heavy weight on my chest. Haha
But other than that, I am happy to be able to be where I am standing now. Dati, pangarap ko lang to eh. Maging Architect, magkaron ng commercial project, now look at me. 🫶🏽
Universe, Lord, Guardians... alam niyo na po next, bahay ko naman po sana itatayo ko. Tska pahingi narin ng 500 million cash!! 🤣
To more projects, achievements, experiences this year!! Wooh 🥳🎉
Filing it here
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and just like that..
you're now a stranger.
just like a branch on a tree, we have grown apart... but we have grown,
grown as beautiful individual people with scars we once knew.
i am happy to have been a part of your life once, i am happy to have known both your hurts and happiness.
i am always rooting for you.
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Posting it here para mabalikan to ng Futureme.
I have been sick all day and I happen to stumble upon my old Tumblr post. Most of it was my journey through my Architecture school.
Grabe, I could not believe na I am here right now... building my first design to build project. To think na I was that freshie na bumagsak and struggling to find a school to transfer para lang hindi ako magshift. Lol.
I am so grateful for every experiences I have made along the way... To be honest, I wasn't the smartest in my Architecture school, I was an OK student. Pumapasa naman, nandon lang.
Kaya I would have never imagine na nandito ako now sa kung saan man ako as a Professional.
But then again, I vividly remember during my 4th yr, I had sidelines helping and earning via offering my rendering services sa mga classmates ko na nagthethesis (I did not, kasi late ako) and other courses na needed. I can say na it made an impact to how I am handling my freelancing life right now, from getting clients to signing them for my project.
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These photos are the different stages sa Greenbreeze Project ko, and I am so happy and proud to far it has come.
Besides being the Architect-of-Record, I am also overseeing the construction of the project, and it gives me joy and happpiness to see the project be built from nothing.
During the construction of this particular project, it has taught me alot of things. Dito ko na realize kung gaano kaimportant ang every detail sa construction, how it would affect even the tiniest things.
I know I am bound for greater things, kaya I am writing this one to take a moment and appreciate where I am coming from, to remember that I am and once a young Architect who was eagerly moving her way up to achieve her goals.
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I just realized that there will always be an unhealed part of me. A part that will always feel heavier and heavier each time...
And it will always feel like the heaviest weight on my chest to the point that I could no longer breathe.
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How do I send and Unsent Message? How do I tell someone how I feel without talking to them?
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“Imagine getting that call that she’s gone”
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I remember it so vividly. I just had gone off from a site visit on a very hot day.
“She’s gone.”
I couldnt understand it at first.
“Who’s gone? Where did she went?? Can anyone contact her??”
This was my initial reaction.
“Wala na siya. She left us.”
and I was left with nothing but breath to catch.
Now I am sitting at the back my boss’ car, reading it all over, and over and over again, until it felt surreal.
“She’s gone, Louise.”
“She left us”
“She not with us anymore”
How could she be gone? She was doing fine. She was okay. We talked. We chose what hair color would fit her best, I thought. Violet. For someone as unique as her.
How could she be gone. She sent me a gift just last month. She told me to use it often, she told me it would help me with my work. A coffee and a coffee mug. I remember it so well, it came with a pink box, and a letter..
“A letter..”
and it hit me… the letter wasn’t a love letter, it was to bid me goodbye and leave me her last wishes for me.
I was taken aback with the reality that I am still an hour away from home. I kept silence at the back of the car, trying to keep myself calm, but I see nothing but tears that I excused to be from a dirt in my eye.
She was gone, and we never knew anything until she was found in her own apartment. I felt so sorry, I felt so sad. How could I be so stupid to not check on her??
How could we left her alone.
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And now, almost a year has passed and its still fresh as it was the first time we heared the news.
A year has passed and I havent used the coffee you gifted me. I dont wanna use it all, it would only mean that there would be nothing left of you here.
Almost a year had gone and the coffee mug is my only possesion that I claim my own in this house.
Almost a year had gone.. and the letter seemed to go away along with you.
I miss you, Mari.
You will always be remembered.
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Is this the Retrograde talking.
Sobrang confused ko na kung ano ba talga gusto kong gawin sa buhay.
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Pahabol.
Tangina ALE come through.
August 2021 ka na ba, kasi putangina I will leave the office to focus on you. Ikaw ang isa sa mga stepping stone na kailangan ko to fucking know where to go or what to do next.
Also, VACCINE COME THROUGH.
I’m so tired of this pandemic. Nakakadrain. Nakakaubos ng pasensya.
Im so close.
To
Fucking
Losing
It.
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I’m out of money for my supposed to be therapy session so guess I’ll rant here:
1. Hindi ko alam kung magreresign na ba ako, or kung anong next move ko sa career line. Like, what do I do next? Gusto ko maging part ng significant projects, gusto ko ma expand yung learnings ko to the point na kahit nakapikit ako sa site alam ko ang nangyayari. Kasi TBH 3 years na kong nagwowork and I dont feel like my knowledge is enough. Nakakababa ng confidence esp may mga small projects kami na I can’t do anymore cause I feel like mali ung mga ginagawa ko. Or mali yung gagawin ko or kulang ung knowledge ko for it.
I just feel like maybe applying into a bigger one will help me grow as a person and help me figure out ano bang specialization and focus ng career ko once I go out on my own. Okay naman sa present work ko pero its my comfort zone na, it getting comfortably scary. And ayoko dumating yung point na I dont wanna move my ass away just bc I feel safe and secured.
2. Hindi ko sure kung valid yung feelings ko as a person anymore. Gusto ko magalit, gusto ko magtampo pero iniisip ko, hindi lang naman ako yung pagod sa panahon na to. Na hindi ito oras para maginarte ako. Like? Everyone’s at their edge trying to survive this pandemic. Pero hoping na just once, I get the validation that I needed. Na im worth to be heared, to be seen and to be understood. Nakakapagod yung ako yung adjust ng adjust and walking on eggshells just bc ayoko makadagdag sa stress ng tao. Wasnt this suppose to be a 2 person relationship? Idk. I feel alone most of the time. Nakakastress and minsan napapaisip ko na maybe it’s better to be alone nalang. Ganun rin naman.
All im saying is, sana naman mapakinggan din ako. Cause im super close to losing my shit.
3. May gusto talaga akong sapakin. Hindi nalang ako magsasabi kung saan or kung anong parte ng buhay ko sya, pero legit. Misogynist na nga napaka creep pa as a person. What the fuck. Everyday objectified nalang ang babae sakanya. Putangina. Can we talk about how he blatantly has his messenger in the fucking open WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE tapos ang laman pa eh porn or scandal. GUYS WALANG MASAMA PERO PUTANGINA THERES A FRIGGIN TIME AND PLAce NAMAN. Dont make the place more awkward as it is.
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I'm finally seeking professional help.
Kung may #GetAnArchitect meron ding #GetSomeTherapy
lololol pls laugh with me its funny
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I just wanna see you in personal, 2021.
I can’t wait. 🥺👉🏽👈🏽
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Im just so tired. Gusto ko ng time machine para bumalik sa past and prevent everything from happening. Tangina, my last happy memory was me graduating, after non everything in my life went downhill talaga.
I feel bad for my baby kasi ito ang naabutan nya sa mundo. I couldve done better as a mom, pero wala eh. Panaginip nalang sana lahat to kasi hanggang ngayon di ako makapaniwala na my life would make a fall, head first.
Pero no matter how much I say na nakakapagod at nakakagago, wala naman tayong ibang choice but to push for a better tomorrow.
I just like to complain sometimes, cause shits too hard.
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I think one of the worst thing about this pandemic, is how it is mentally exhausting for everyone. Specially for someone like me who is trying to get her shit together after a hard rock bottom fall from 2019.
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“But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”
— Lemony Snicket // The Beatrice Letters
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