Sometimes I’m just sad for no reason;

Yea, I got all the reasons to be happy, but I’m sad. 

I really just wanna let go of everything, relax, and enjoy life while I can. But I know I cannot; there’s so much to do. I wanna run somewhere far far away with my love, as unrealistic and impractical as it sounds. I wanna run with him to some place where worries won’t catch up to us. It’s so cliche, I know, but that’s really what I want right now. 

I just don’t know how much longer am I able to keep it up without breaking down again. My state of mind is like a really tight rubber band, ready to snap any moment. I’m so stressed out right now, and knowing that in the future I’ll only get more stress, is really making me dread what the future holds. 

When will the day come where I’m stress free and fully relaxed, free of all the worries in the world?  

Stop hiding from the truth;

If you want to know what’s wrong and clear up misunderstandings, then just ask. If you’re starting to lose the people who once mean the world to you, then start reflecting upon yourself. If you’re not happy with your current situation, then change it. If you know that the relationship you’re in is toxic and bad for you, then leave. 

Why are you settling for less? Why are you not realizing anything? Why are you pushing everyone away for one person? You’re just gonna keep hurting those around you and lose what matters most to you. You know something just isn’t right, so stop hiding from it. Wake the fuck up and look around you. Your lover is not your saviour. Stop prioritizing him over others and yourself. When will you ever learn that love should not be like that. 

Your love for each other may be true, I don’t know how true but I’m not saying it isn’t. But if your relationship is bringing everything else down then you know you gotta do something about it. Stop letting it pull you away from who you truly are. Stop losing yourself trying to perfect your love for each other. Love is not, and will never be, perfect. You must know that. Every relationship should have space for accommodation. If he can’t compromise, then you know you have to let go. 

A truly healthy relationship should not jeopardize everything else in your life.  

“Do not hold your breath for anyone, Do not wish your lungs to be still, It may delay the cracks from spreading, But eventually they will. Sometimes to keep yourself together You must allow yourself to leave, Even if breaking your own heart Is what it takes to let you breathe.”

-Erin Hanson

Just a secret message to a really, really, really old friend. 

I wish I love coffee;

I know it sounds weird, but I kinda wish I liked drinking coffee. I’m always a tea person. Sometimes I do drink coffee, but I never really liked it. And I don’t get why people love it so much, I really try to love it, but I don’t.

Why I say this is because I like the idea of enjoying coffee. Yes I know, again, it sounds freaking weird. Like, I love the smell of coffee, I love chilling in a nice cozy cafe listening to soft jazzy musics, but when I get a cup of coffee and I sip on it, it kinda ruins the whole feeling because I don’t like it. It’s as if the taste of coffee is the harsh reality that ruins my little jazzy cafe fantasy. I know I could just order a cup of tea (which I always end up doing) and enjoy myself just fine, but the idea of coffee just fits better ya know.

I don’t know if I even make any sense. If anyone gets me, please tell me if you feel the same, or if you don’t and you think I’m some weird delusional person.

Also tell me if you like coffee or tea, or maybe both.

Gonna do my assignments now, xoxo

Fatmeow.

Expectations into disappointments;

Just a very short post, it’s about 1am right now but I really need to get something off my mind. I’ve been keeping this in for so long, it’s about time I let it out.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’m just really disappointed with how some things or some people turn out to be.

I guess at the beginning of every friendship you would always expect so much out of it. You would think that “yes this is the friendship I’m looking for, I finally found someone close to being my best friend, why haven’t I got a friend like this until now”. Everything seem so good for so long, and then shit happens.

Shit always happens. Or at least in my life it does. It’s almost like a curse for me. Every friendship I have somehow don’t always end up as perfect as I thought it’s gonna be. I know there’s no such thing as perfection, every relationship has its flaws. But trust me, I had tried my absolute best to look past all bearable flaws that there is, however it just keeps coming back and getting worse.

I’m not gonna say that these friends turn out to be back-stabbing bitches or anything like that, they’re still nice friends and I still like being with them. It’s just that some things that they say and do, or the way they handle things, are just disappointing. Maybe it’s because when you have certain expectations towards people, you tend to get easily disappointed?

Anyhow, I’m too tired to get into details right now. Maybe next time. Gonna finish off my tea and probably should get to bed soon because I have class tomorrow. My sleeping pattern is completely fucked up.

Goodnight xx.

Merry Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas everybody!! I hope everyone is having a lovely Christmas.

My family and I celebrated Christmas together yesterday. We do things kinda differently; we celebrate Christmas, dinner and presents and all, on Christmas eve instead of Christmas day itself. I really don’t know why, it has been like that ever since I can remember. It’s kinda like New Year’s where we count down together and celebrate the day before.

Yesterday was one of our best Christmas ever. We cooked together, had a wonderful dinner, spent time together chilling, talking, and listening to Christmas songs, and of course open our presents together.

It’s really nice to see everyone of my family so happy. We barely spend time together on usual days, everyone is always busy doing their own stuffs. The only time we would sit together is when we have dinner. So yesterday was really a great time for all of us. I’m so happy everyone put an effort into making it really festive, some years I would be the only one trying, but I’m glad this year was different.

To be honest, I was quite scared that Christmas won’t turn up good this year.I always look forward to Christmas every year, and it would really upset me A LOT if it sucked. In the past, some Christmas were really terrible. It’s either my parents would fight, or my brother won’t be home, or just everyone just didn’t even bothered to celebrate together for no reason at all. So I’ll be scared that it would turn out like that, but I’m so glad it didn’t.

Now that Christmas is here, I’m starting to worry for the new year. I’m not one of those people that gets excited for a new year, making new goals and resolutions. For me, the thought of having to start a new year again is just so stressful. Adding up to that, a new year means I’m gonna get older, getting older means I’m another year closer to graduating college, graduating means I’m gonna have to work and earn my own money to pay bills and have all these responsibilities that I can’t even fathom.

Also, I’ll be turning 21 next year (23 days to be exact, sucks to be a January baby), and to us that age kinda means that we are an official adult. An official fucking adult. I look at myself and I still see a kid who don’t even dare to make a phone call ordering a pizza delivery. How did I turn 21 so fast? I’m really not ready for it. I have less than a month to let that sink in before it really happens.

What are your goals or worries for the new year? Whatever it is, I hope we’ll all get through it.

“Why can’t things be different?”

Sometimes it just gets hard for me to love life. I know my life is good, I have what I need, I got people who loves me, but it’s hard to focus on the good things sometimes.

I guess it’s human nature to always want things that we don’t have. We see the good in other people’s life which we don’t have and we want it for ourselves. Our lives may be good enough already, but we refuse to focus on those. Instead, we envy the lives of others.

I would look at the people around me and think “why can’t I be like that?”, “why can’t my life turn out as good as that?”, “why can’t I receive that same benefits and treatments that he/she gets?”. In the end, I start to question “why can’t my life be different?”.

I bet I won’t be the only one who had ever thought of that. As I said, it’s human nature to compare and want things we don’t have. But when it comes to the point where it starts to bother me so much I get so negative, it’s definitely not healthy for me.

Why is it so hard for me to be happy with what I’ve got? Of course there are times when I am absolutely content with everything. But at times when I’m not, I get so very bitter it’s really unhealthy for my state of mind.

So tell me, how do one stop comparing and feel completely satisfied with their lives, or at least learn to be grateful for what they already have?

Left in a dream;

It has been more than half a year since I last wrote here. I have kinda forgotten about this blog, and to be honest, I haven’t really been here on Tumblr for a long time. Tumblr was everything to 16-19 year old me; I would log on every day to reblog all the beautiful pictures and funny gifs. Now, just a year later, I hardly even care about it. To think that things would change so much in just one year. I wonder if the 16 year old me would want herself to become me. That’s a lot to think about.

So what brings me here today?

First of all, I am pretty bored right now. It’s currently almost near 5am where I live, and I’m nowhere near sleepy. Yes, my body clock is messed up, like really messed up. But the main reason I write today is because my mood hasn’t been really good recently.

Today I woke up from a very beautiful dream. Though I can’t seem to remember what exactly it is about, I remember vaguely that I was with a friend, which by the way I don’t talk to anymore ever since we graduated, and we’re saying goodbye to some people in Japanese… I don’t even speak Japanese so at this point even I myself am confused. Then the next part (I don’t know if it’s connected) there’s this girl (I’m not sure if I am the girl or I’m just watching as a third person), and she’s waiting for either something or someone. Then there’s a lot of running and chasing in a carriage which is, again, very confusing even for me. But somehow, despite all the confusion, I remember it being beautiful and I had such a hard time waking up (probably also because I slept so late last night). I didn’t want to be brought back to harsh reality.

When I finally did wake up I felt so empty, like a part of me isn’t really here. I wanted to go back into the dream, as if I left a part of me in there and I belonged there. I kept feeling like there’s something I need to be doing, but I don’t know what; like there’s something I forgot. I felt so out of place. I tried explaining it to my boyfriend but he didn’t quite get it, he kept telling me maybe I forgot to do my assignments, which I’m very sure it’s not because I usually have them properly planned out so I won’t forget. So it bothered me so much I just wanted to write it down somewhere, which is why here I am now typing this.

I know none of this might make any sense, but I get this sometimes. I wake up and just feel like crap. I feel like I want to go back into my dreams again and never get up, and it’s not just me being lazy I swear. My day can be perfectly fine, everything going smoothly, but my mood can be really down because there’s just this one part of me that is missing. Like there’s no purpose in me, just nothingness. My mood isn’t down in a way where I’m angry or sad or anything like that, it’s just empty.

I feel better now that I’ve written everything out of my head. It is 5:30am right now, I took more than half an hour to write all this. Now I’ll just wait till the end of the Disney music playlist I’m listening on YouTube right now, and try to go to sleep.  

Thanks for reading this far! Goodnight! (or good morning whatever time you’re reading this.)

Love, FatMeow

“When you wish upon a star your dreams come true” -Disney

Two birds;

I found a bird in a garden, while I was lost during one summer. She befriended me and I found haven, as she sang to me songs of laughter.

A perky and beautiful bird as she, who would know the darkness within. She cages herself and not let free, pulling those pretty feathers off her skin.

I found a bird in a garden, so sad and gloomy in the spring. Yet such beautiful words he had spoken, that gave me feathers and I had wings.

He told me the reasons for his melancholy, for he is confined in his own insecurities. So blinded that he could not see, that there is no reason for his worries.

I found myself in a garden, with two birds I can’t set free. But in love I have fallen, with two birds who are dear to me.

(First attempt in writing poetry, inspired by two lovely people, L&R)

Late nights;

(Dear humans, I just wanted to try writing stories or anything at all that I can think of. I’m not a professional writer so obviously I’m not good so please don’t judge me! >.< I’m just doing this out of fun. Love, fatmeow.)

The night has been unbearable. Then again, there was never a night that wasn’t unbearable for her. Every minute passed was slowly ticking her off her sanity. Late at night, when her daily distraction was over, it begins to haunt her, eating away on what’s left of her fragile self.

Sleeping was her only resort, for when she wasn’t aware of her existence, only will her existence not torment her. But the night was not being kind to her. Sleeping felt almost impossible. The more she tried to escape, the more she’s being pulled back into reality. Even with alcohol filling her veins, her mind was wide awake. When has it been since alcohol no longer has any effect on her? She couldn’t even remember. It felt as if it’s been forever.

There wasn’t anything she could do anymore. She felt hopeless. Hopeless for the future, for herself, for the dreams she once had, for anything at all in the meaningless life she had been given.

She was slowly giving up. Nothing makes sense anymore. What’s left of her is being ripped apart. Not that anyone would understand, or even bothered to understand. She herself couldn’t understand. Her own silence is drowning her, pulling her deeper and deeper into the abyss of her empty soul.