emilyrayeofsunshine
here we go again...
relapse. 21 years old. height 5'6" // hw 142 // sw 121.7 // cw 116.3 // gw 110 // ugw 99
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god i WANT to eat. i DO. i physically cannot. it鈥檚 like my brain is yelling into a void, telling my body to eat but the message isn鈥檛 making it to the nerves in my hands, in my mouth. i CANT. EAT.
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this relapse is really scary for me because i don鈥檛 feel hungry. i feel weak as i restrict, but there is no hunger. no urge to binge and give my body nutrients. just nothing.
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went to the grocery store and got myself some rice cakes. the bitch is back, baby!
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400 calorie day 馃グ
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back on ana tumblr i cant do this recovery shit anymore 馃檭
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what i ate today
BREAKFAST:
- 1/2 cup yogurt with honey, banana, and a few pieces of granola - 240
- 2 eggs with sriracha - 150
- black coffee and water - 0
DINNER:
- veggie burger with sriracha - 105
- 1/2 cup plant-based mashed potatoes - 30
- green beans - 35
- diet coke - 0
SNACK:聽
- 1 orange - 50
EXERCISE:
- 30 minuets on the elliptical
TOTAL: 610 calories
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GOD i used to be so skinnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. i miss my bones :(
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the one photo that started it all. i was 14 (21 now), extremely insecure, and honestly unaware of how i looked. i felt fat but didnt know what i looked like until i saw this photo. that was my highest weight, 142. started restricting and i never looked back. its times like these that i remind myself where i came from and how strong i am.
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vow to myself:
- no smoking, you get the munchies and feel so much regret, it鈥檚 never worth it.
- limit 1000 calories a day. make them count! i want to be a skeleton but i also need to stay alive.
- exercise 5 days of the week. mostly cardio.
- record weight every morning and night. it is better to know and learn than never know and be afraid.
and lastly,
- listen to your mind. mediate. do whatever it takes to be your best self.
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hello
hi friends. i havent been on here in years (ive had many names and faces) but as you all know the times are tough. i relapsed sh last night, and im relapsing ed in real time. and god it feels good to be sick again, to have something to obsess over, to not be a zombie controlled by depression. not pro-anything, just expressing my journey
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