einjahrzehntzurueck - Tumblr blog

einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 months

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yeah as soon as I wake up no longer fatigued for the first time in my life I'll be set

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 months

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morning textures

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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einjahrzehntzurueck

self witten, self printed, self binded

i did it, i wrote my story

and now i want to finally heal

#einjahrzehntzurueck #my poems #poetry collection #personal #poets of tumblr #modern poetry #inspired by rupi kaur

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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does it take

an attempt first

to lay claim on illness

does it take

hospital beds

and stitches first

to heal the wounds

it feels invalid

to suffer without visibility

yet i felt it all

- sick without a notice

#tw: sui mention #depression

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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they told me i was worthless

and made sure i believed it

when they said

i was ugly

i was weird

i was embarrassing

i was childish

when they showed me

i was weak

i was helpless

i was alone

thats when they stripped

the essence of my personality

off of my spine

and dragged it through the mud

so that even nowadays

i have a hard time believing

im worth something

- the voices never leave

#the others #bullying

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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i now know

that the music

i used to get lost in

didn't make me happier

it made me feel like home

it made me feel like i wasn't alone

it made me feel like i belonged

without this safe haven

without this retreat

i am not too sure

if i'd still be alive today

- i owe them my life, they made me hold on till may

#music #ptv

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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when i was at my lowest

but highest at the same time

i could barely function

that's how it always is

i cant seem to focus

i cant seem to work

all i do

is to get lost

in an endless web

of my thoughts

- anxiety 2019

#anxiety

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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WARNING: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF SELF HARM

on the 7th of november

after a day

that started like the nightmares

half a decade ago

i had made up my mind

and nothing could've stopped me

so i took

a brand new blade

unwrapped it like a present

put the paper aside

and reached for the tissues

the bandage

the tape

then put it against my skin

and i pressed down on it

as i dragged it

the blade

it separated my skin

into a valley

where a lake of blood

soon pooled inside

i felt

no pain

no sting

and if i wouldn't have been

so horrified

of what just happened

i would have watched

the blood run down

instead

i took my bandage

wrapped my arm

like i was trying

to mend the inside pain

from through my skin

and hid it

under sheets

so i could sleep away

the guilt

of destroying myself

but enjoying everything of it

- when i cut the deepest 07.11.2016

#self harm

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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WARNING: GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF SUICIDE

there were countless days

i spent imaging

last times

last time going to school

last time seeing my friends

last time i was with my family

there were countless nights

i spent looking for

razor blades

syringes

pills

tall enough buildings

the right way to knot

a piece of rope

and strong branches of trees

or empty places

to leave my body behind

i settled with my old friend

the blade

imaged the pain

i would feel

when i dragged it with all i had

deeper than ever before

the blood i would spill

more than ever before

but it scared me too much

opening myself

to let life slip right out

of my veins

so instead

i chose the city

stood at its highest place

and closed my eyes

imagined the height

the wall beneath me

and then nothing beneath me

and it felt like freedom

- i was wishing for relief

#suicide

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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it scares me

how unbothered i am

with seeing the faces

of those who did

these terrible things to me

again

i should be mad

for them ruining

my self esteem

my self appreciation

my self

i carry scars on my body

from actions and words

they can't undo and unspeak

yet i see them

and i am unbothered

have i forgiven

or forgotten?

neither is right

- i still carry the scars on my soul

#the others

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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this one time

when my mother

and my grandmother

were waiting in the car

for me to return

with food i picked up

you approached me

and i remember for the first time

you came too close

by then i'd gotten used

to the names you'd call me

and the twisted smirk you'd give me

i was used to being your target

but never would i have expected

you to invade my space like that

you came right at me

gave me a push

and the moment i dropped

the food i was supposed to bring

to my mother and grandmother

waiting in the car behind the corner

-i will never feel more embarrassed

in that moment

i was the obvious victim

and you were in control

from that day on

i was terrified of you

because

the moment it got physical

is the hardest to forget

i got back into the car afterwards

and didn't say a word

- part of me died that day

#bullying

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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i should (have) rather spent

the time

that i hate(d) myself

with hating the people

who made me feel that way

in the first place

but instead of wishing

venom inside their veins

i carry it in my head

and let it poison myself

- they never leave and i let them

#the others

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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i know about my lack of gratitude

when i think about

what my parents did for me

and i know their parents

did not do the same

but you can’t expect

a new generation of children

to be reborn as your mirror image

i did not choose how i was raised

i did not choose to be a single child

i did not choose to be here at all

if a child is such a burden

then why did you bother at all?

maybe i lack of gratitude

but all they ever really provided me with

was shelter, food and transportation

as soon as i was old enough

for school to become my own problem

everything was my own problem

and when i started falling off grid

from expectations that society put on me

when i wanted nothing more

than be appreciated of who i truly am

i received the stamp of

misfit

from my own mother

and got told myself was the reason

people did not treat me well

for the next years i had to learn

how to fight for myself

because my mother threatened

to take that away from me

i remember countless fights

where i ended up hidden in bed

crying my eyes out

because instead of feeling accepted

she made me feel hated

if i had to write a list

of the times i felt

weak

insecure

and self depreciating

because of her

i would not know where to start

she always made sure

to show love to others

besides her own daughter

and my father

i am not mad

but he had other priorities than me

so they could drive me

to the other side of the world

or buy me seven cars

i would still

feel more hurt than grateful

for them choosing their reputation

over my comfort and sanity

- lonely child

#family

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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i held onto the hope

that my graduation would set me free

but of course my brain was now conditioned

to dive in headfirst into the smallest bits of darkness

whenever there was a reason for me to be upset

i endulged in it

and let the depression feed from it

whenever i made a mistake

i blamed myself

whenever someone treated me badly

i blamed myself

after all these years

of being told you're worth less

and then spending your time believing that

you can't quit these thoughts

so the downward spiral i had reached the end of

started all brand new again

- 2016 was not much better

#depression

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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i never got my own personal diagnosis

but it felt proper

when i laid in bed as i woke

and all i could do was stare at the wall

when i was sitting in the middle

of a lively conversation

but their words just passed by like clouds

when the only word to describe my emotions

was empty

when i wished i could just feel something

but instead i got nothing

when i felt like my heart was barely beating

and i was barely breathing

when everything was silent and dark

when it got darker and darker

and i had no hope

it felt like proper depression

when i felt empty

and hopeless

and lost

i never got my own personal diagnosis

but this was no health either

no one can tell me that lie

- when i was depressed

#depression

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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the first piece of poetry i read

was milk and honey

and it opened my eyes

to a world of words

which put my feelings

onto empty pages

beautiful and fragile

like hand painted porcelain

it was the second best relief

i found to let my deepest thoughts

run out of me

and it turned out to be the saviour

of my sanity

- thank you Rupi; 28.07.2016

#poetry

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einjahrzehntzurueck · 4 years

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before i tumbled down

this deep black hole

when i had a glimpse of innocence left

i spent my time

losing myself in music

that would make me feel less alone

i like to thank these people

for painting my world red instead of black

for giving me 5 seconds of a bright summer

for saving rock and roll for me

for making me happy again

and when it got bad

they showed me a way to support

so for the next year

i went on a journey

to discover what shaped me

for the next three

the horizon shaped me

a few twenty pilots shaped me

and some of them even told me

to hold on till may

sometimes i suppose

music truly saves lives

it showed me then

that broken people

save themselves together

- my emo phase 2015 - 2017

#music

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