Almost a decade under the influence...

Sorry for the dated, emo pop reference.

This is not a defeatist post, i promise.

Soo, after 5 years with the same position, my baking has come to an end. Long story short, business wasn't doing well and they had to cut the department. You already know that my identity, as a baker, has been something I take great pride in. It's been a very hard adjustment, going from feeling like I have something, something I love, something that makes me feel productive and like I'm contributing to the world, to becoming a cashier, and feeling like I wasted my time and my dedication, to end up with this. So, I quit. Being there as a nothing employee was too much to bare. I started working as a bartender and server at a really nice restaurant, hoping to make some real money. Real money that can help me make something of my baking. I wanna keep doing that for the rest of my life. Maybe someday, I'll be able to.

In the mean time, I'm drowning. Not in any unstoppable way, just ... In ways that I can't seem to change my thinking. I've been doing really well, anxiety wise, redirecting my nausea and fear into believing I'm just super stoked for myself. That those feelings are not fear, they are excitement... And dudes, that totally works kinda! Haha. I say totally kinda, bc it's just that. Sometimes I Get on top of it and that's all it is. But on days like today, for whatever reason, I can't. Maybe it's the rain clouds. Atmospheric pressure. Lack of vitamin D. Or maybe I'm just more susceptible to negative vibrations lately bc I'm so out of my comfort zone, and I'm aware now that there is no going back to it.

Whatever it is... I've been thru worse, by a million times. This bubbling up of fear and sadness is not unfamiliar to me, and it's not all that different than anything I've already experienced. I am fucking tired of it, though. I'm trying...I'm trying to be stronger. I'm trying to be brave and smart. This is a good move, and I should be happy. I have goals and dreams, ones that aren't far fetched or all that out of reach...I just have to grind,really fucking hard. No more just surviving things. I wanna thrive in things.

There is no other way to get there, but thru this. Thru this and out the other side...

Ten years in illinois is coming up... Ten years of flailing and crying and dying and being reborn. Here's to hoping it won't take as long as it took to get to this point, to make it to the next one.

Let's get together

For a moment. I wanna talk with you about your spirituality...

How would you describe your relationship with the Devine?

In what ways have you experienced light?

( The all encompassing, loving light of the Devine. You know the one. It could be thru Jesus or Buddha or Baba... They all speak of the same divinity. The same Ultimate Truth. No answer is the wrong answer... I just wanna know if you can recall one. )

-looking for the Truth, with a capital T ❤

Been baking up a storm lately! Features include: vegan espresso cake! Vegan Hibiscus Lemon, Creme Brulee, Vanilla, Mint Chocolate, and chocolate cupcakes! Vegan Chocolate Cake with Espresso Coconut chips

I will repost this photo forever.

its my masterpiece.

Holy cow!

After being locked out of my account for a very long time... I'm baaaaacckkkk!

So desperately tired of fixing shit that I honestly do not care about it being broken in the first place.

sometimes i see a community-made video for one of my songs and it wallops me in the face. this one did. it’s by a director named taylor dolan (she’s on tumblr!). it’s for The Bed Song.

i saw the link on twitter just as neil and i were about to board the plane home to boston from DC…i sat there before take-off watching it with headphones on my iphone. neil was munching on a salad, then turned to me and my entire face was scrunched and soaking wet and i was still blubbering a little. it’s that good.

this song gets me every time anyway. but this video….fuck. this girl deserves an indie-oscar.

the other wonderful thing about the video is that it was made on @hitRECord, a site that encourages creation and integrated ongoing support for artists…which of course i love love love. 

they call themselves an “open collaborative production company" and they share revenue made on projects with their artists 50/50. if you’re a maker or a patron, go check it out…it’s really interesting and it may be a fun place to put your work and find art-friends.

here’s the link to the original video on hitrecord.

COPY COPY COPY SHARE SHARE SHARE.

My mental health declines after dark Every night, it feels like I dance along the water’s edge Chasing the moon light Where am I to wander on this night? Will I role play a manic princess, love and kisses Or drown in the dark lake Made up of my deepest sorrows, and my biggest regrets? Sleep, my only ally, Why won’t you come to me? Sleep, please save me from the abyss.

today, I lost my marriage.

Doubles are almost a thing of the past, except on Sundays... Cant wait to kiss these circles under my eyes goodbye! #overworked # butstillbroke

Quin on our #donut date

#vegan almond cherry cupcakes

#vegan percolator cupcakes