I could be writing this alone in my room for no one to read but me

I think, I have less of an issue with the point of existence and more of an issue with existence itself. I know really that there is no definitive point to life, and although it bothers me, it doesn’t completely throw me off track. I accept it. My issue is with my own existence, as I exist now. I posed the wrong question, not “what is the point?” but more... idk. It’s difficult to explain, it’s like-

I could be writing this alone in my room for no one to read but me.

But I’m not.

And it’s not because I need you to reply, I only need you to listen. Is that not awful? I feel like the tree in the forest, if there is no one there to see me exist then do I exist at all? The moments I have alone, what are they worth? If my existence depends so heavily on others then surely that’s bad. It means I can never truly appreciate other people as other people. Intrinsically, I mean. I can only appreciate them for what they are to me. And that makes me a bad person.

It’s so self contradictory because I need validation from others but also I do not. I feel like whenever I do anything it is ultimately to achieve attention from others. How can I prove that it is not? How? To exist unwatched and still enjoy existing, that is the only way. But I do not. Why would I dance alone in my room? I do not enjoy my existence unless I am watched by others. I do not seek approval, I only seek attention. Approval is certainly nice but as I said, I do not need your reply just as I do not need the applause of the audience. I only need them to watch. Do you see?

There must be a point to life other than love

But I think about it constantly. In everything I am and everything I do. Does this make me lovable? And even so I cannot love. I can only try them on, and wear them for a week or two, and then decide I do not want this crown forever, because they are all so beautiful. I simply reread the stories over and over and keep ripping out the pages and rewriting and rewriting because novelty is the only thing that excites me. Then when it’s over, I go through this phase where I think, this is wrong. This is so wrong. It’s so awful to exist like this, for the only joy in your life to come from a new romance.

So I decide, I will not try on any more crowns until I have committed to my own. Until I can wear it with pride, hold my head high, and fiercely proclaim, truly believe- that I love myself. And for a little while, I think I might be lovable- no not just lovable, loving. I pour myself into what I love, I love so much and so intensely, I have so much to give and I give it all to myself. And if the whole world turned its back on me, if the gods themselves decided I was unlovable and willed that I would be hated by all who set eyes on me, I’d still have myself. I could be my best friend. And for a little while, I find profound joy in this new crown that belongs to no one else but me.

But then I realise. I’m still only wearing it, only loving it, to make myself lovable to others. And I haven’t escaped at all. I’m still just collecting crowns. So really, please tell me, what is the point?

I think too much

I’m thinking myself into insanity

and unfortunately persuading myself I’m some kind of tragic genius along the way

- Anton Chekov // The Cherry Orchard

Linguistic theorist Ludwig Wittgenstein proposed that, as we have no way of proving that we experience reality in the same way, language can refer only to the observable aspects of thought. Thus, an abstract noun such as happiness describes not the conceptual emotion of joy, but the overflowing laughter, unfurled smiles and dancing footsteps that brazenly accompany it. It’s not implausible then, that everyone else will perceive your happiness before you do. As Chekov wrote, its footsteps creep up on you. Can you hear it? Can you see it? It may be so gradual that you will not notice when it comes - “but what does it matter? Other people will see it!” and so it’s still there.

if we didn’t turn away from the sun sometimes

we’d never get to see the moon

you don’t need to remember every event for it to be important

you don’t remember placing every brick but you can still see the wall

- an anonymous friend

You know i feel like there’s a window of time after an event has happened in which you can feel certain feelings.

and if those feelings go unfelt, because they were too painful or you were too busy or your life was moving too fast and you didn’t have time to stand still for a moment and just. remember.

then you’ve missed your chance, and those feelings will remain unfelt forever. perhaps at the time you will think it’s such a blessing that you were able to continue with your life without feeling pain. perhaps you won’t even notice.

but then years later you will think back and these unfelt feelings will resurface. but you’ve missed the window and so they will remain unfelt. what you feel is just a shadow of what they would have been, lacking depth and colour and vividity, dulled and faded by time. and you aren’t really feeling them , you’re just feeling a kind of aching regret for not feeling them at the time, for not taking the time to go through that pain. and in some ways this dull pain is worse than the sharp, raw pain that would have been, because it stays forever and you can never go back and feel it fully.

and i think that all of these small unfelt pains build up throughout our lifetimes, and perhaps you never notice but you feel a bit heavier, a bit more crowded, a bit more distracted, a bit more hurt.

i guess what i’m saying is, don’t forget to feel, even though it might be easier. because once you forget, it’s very difficult to remember why you’re hurting, to go back through and scour your past for all the hurts that went unnoticed until they just faded into you