Hey. I hope you're doing well. Are you still planning on updating Dealer? More importantly how are you doing now? I hope everything is good with you! I miss you.

I miss you too, fam - it's been a horribly long road. 💚💚💚

Unfortunately, I am very poorly at the moment. I do intend to continue Dealer but I am a long way off being well enough to do so; I'm not even at work at the moment, so have definitely taken a backward step in 2024 😥

Hopefully there's a miracle cure around the corner. I'm not quite at the point of sending you all bullet points of what the rest of the plot was meant to be, but maybe that's in my future if something doesn't change 🤣

I appreciate you checking in; hope all is going ok with you 💚

Also @alwayssnilysworld - you left me some beautiful comments on Dealer and @alwaysthehbp sent me some too, and I very much appreciated reading them as they came into my inbox. I'm really sorry I haven't been well enough to reply, but they meant the world 💚💚💚 (and I will reply when I get a bit better).

It really does make me feel happy to know that people are still reading and enjoying the story, despite it currently sitting on hiatus.

Hopefully my next update will be happier, but in the meantime, much love to you all. 💚💚💚

online communities are so strange because people slip away so easily. you can be on here for years, folding people you've never met into the fabric of your daily life, and then they disappear, leaving only ghost posts scattered across tumblr behind. or their blog stays dormant, for weeks, months, years, until you're only still following them because you remember that they love sunflowers or they were kind to you when they didn't have to be or the last thing they posted was sad and raw and you still worry about them sometimes.

and sometimes they come back when you least expect it, years later, even, and there's this sudden rush of relief like there you are, there you are, even though you barely knew each other.

there's a strange kind of love to it. i don't know you and i want to hold your hand across miles and time zones and oceans. i can still see the imprint of you in this community you left. you don't anyone will notice or care when you're gone, but we notice and we care and we wish you well.

i hope you're all okay out there. i hope the sun is shining on your face and you are breathing deeply. i miss you.

Wrote a short fic for a good friend of mine.

After years of writing without limits, it was incredibly difficult to get it down under 10k (I had gone wildly over the wordcount) - although it was great fun trying to meet the requirements.

Mostly sharing it here to give me the opportunity to post and wish my Tumblr friends a peaceful end of the year.

But also to quietly celebrate that I managed to write and post something. I am still very unwell but 12 months ago, this would've been unthinkable - and I figure it's important to celebrate any progress. 💚

Gift art for @deathdaydungeon for the H&C gift exchange ✨

Dealer is not unloved! It's paused, sure, but we still love the story you've done so far. If you need years to get to a point where you can add more, that's fine. If you never add any more, that's sad, but fine too. I've enjoyed the journey so far, and that can't be taken away by lack of an end. Be kind to yourself, you created something beautiful :-) and congratulations on taking the bins out, I swear they change the day willy-nilly!

Fam, I swear, you saying this means the world to me. 💚

It's so frustrating to have so much of the story in my head and not being able to get it written down. Ever since I started it, I've always been so excited to share the story - and even now, all this time on, I am genuinely really excited about carrying on and sharing the result with everyone. I suppose when you work on something this big and sprawling, it becomes such a massive part of your life for so long - and you end up connecting with this version of the characters in a big way. I think it would feel like a disservice to the characters, and to everyone who's kindly given up their time to read it, and well, even to myself if I didn't finish it. And getting well enough to come back and continue gives me something to aim for - I'll look at it like that for now. And I guess a good place to start will be a recap at the start of the next chapter, because it's going to be tricky for people reading to remember everything after such a long lay off.

Just realised that your last update was a real while ago

Sincerely and quite strongly hope that you are ok

You are the best ❤️

Love,

fan

Ah, fam, you are very kind to send me this message; I appreciate it a lot. 💚

Sadly, I have long covid. I've been extremely unwell and although I am slowly improving, progress is very slow. To put it into perspective, I've been off sick from work for half a year, and I've spent most of those six months lying on a sofa.

Given my current rate of progress, it seems likely that conquering covid is more a 'months and years' challenge as opposed to 'days and weeks' - but honestly, fam, it could've been worse.

I guess that at times, life is like a game of snakes and ladders, and sometimes you just keep hitting snakes.

I do feel super bad about Dealer; it actually pains me to know that it's sitting dormant and going unloved - but if I am brutally honest with everyone, I struggle to put the bin out for collection each week, let alone write the dystopian story that's rattling around in my head. It does hurt though - I poured my soul into that story.

Still, this is not forever! I keep telling myself to be patient - I know I need to work hard with the doctors to get my health back, and in time, the other pieces of my life will fall into place.

Really appreciated you sending this, fam. Hope you're keeping safe and well. 💚

i can promise you that there are a lot of people still rooting for you to finish dealer not a death eater, including myself. the interest isn’t dead! i check every other week for updates, just in case. hang in there my friend

Ah, thank you, fam - I promise that Dealer isn't abandoned or dead.

Unfortunately, I've been set back a bit in my plans because I caught Covid (in the unluckiest of circumstances). I'm still so ill, I've been off work for several months - so now I need to recover, get back to work, then catch up on Dealer.

A couple of readers have been leaving comments over the last few weeks and I've not been well enough to reply - but I did want to say that I was incredibly touched and so grateful when I saw them in my inbox, and it really did brighten my mood to think that people were still reading and enjoying the story.

I really miss writing it and sharing it with you all, and I really appreciate you reaching out, fam.

I miss Dealer! Have you quit writing it? :(

Hi fam, thanks for asking - I'm glad you're still interested.

The good news is that I fully intend to finish Dealer.

I can't remember how much of this I made public at the time, but I started writing Dealer when I got really sick.  Writing Dealer gave me something to focus on that wasn't some variant of, "Why is this happening, am I dying?"

But as some of the chapter notes bear out, I've been on a stupid roller coaster for years of:  getting briefly better > getting sick > getting briefly better > getting sick etc.

I had a terrible time last year and eventually I realised this up/down was unsustainable.  I've been working really hard on getting well, and it's been a long, slow path - often with as many backwards steps as there are forward ones.

I do feel a lot better but I know I've got a bit further to go yet.

The not so good news is that there's a lot to Dealer and with such a long lay off, some of it is not as clear in my mind as it was.  So I have to re-read before I can work on it, and that's a fair task in itself.  I thought I was ready to do this the other month, but I became exhausted very quickly when I attempted it.

I've also been a bit hesitant / anxious because after so long, I know I will be rusty. I've debated writing something else just to freshen up a bit - but each time I've tried to write, not much is coming.  So I think maybe I am not quite ready yet and I am pushing too hard too soon - which is how I kept being on that up/down roller coaster in the first place.

I know that pausing was the right thing to do for my health - but I think my brain / body / creative mind are not currently on the same page, so it might be a while longer before I'm ready to come back.

Sorry mate.  I really didn't intend for it to play out like this; I thought I'd be away for a couple of months at a maximum - but if it reassures you any, I do intend to finish. I put so much work into it, I really hate to see it sitting dormant - and I don't want to let everyone who has read it down.

It's been bothering me that I don't have a Dealer update to share.

Since the last update in September, I have been either: working, unwell, exhausted - or some combination thereof.

I wanted to post and say, "Ok, the next update will be by x date," - but I've not felt great over the last 48 hours and it's made me realise that at the moment, I really need to rest at weekends.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I haven't forgotten the story or dropped it. I am still writing Dealer; it lives loudly in my mind and I think about it every day, and I can't wait to share it all with you.

But I've realised there's no point in me pushing through being ill to churn out a couple of chapters, and then being unwell again for weeks on end.

Equally, having written 700k and having put so much effort into it, there's no point in me half-arsing a few chapters just to meet some arbitrary deadline. I'm sure you'd rather it was 'good' as opposed to 'quick'.

Deep down, I know the answer is for me to get this illness more under control (and I have been working hard on that) - and then the rest will fall into place. So, Dealer will be back, but not just yet. I wanted to tell you so I stopped worrying about not updating.

If you want to be notified, then subscribe to the story on AO3; the next chapter will drop right into your inbox when I'm a bit better. 😊

Quick update

I’m going to take a couple of weeks off writing Dealer - firstly, I’ve been writing the next chapter for 3 weekends straight.  I took a day off work last week to get the chapter finished, wrote 9k last weekend...and I’m not happy with it at all.

I’ve since (finally!) worked out what the problem is, but it needs a bit of work to get it right.

But importantly, I have the opportunity to get a couple of things sorted offline (notably I am hoping to re-kit out my home gym with a new power rack) - but to do so, I need to do some sorting and rearranging, and I can’t realistically do that and write Dealer at the same time because writing literally consumes my entire weekend.

So yeah, this is just a ‘please bear with me’ message.  It shouldn’t be too long between updates, but this is my current status:  https://www.theonion.com/man-knows-he-must-ride-unexpected-urge-to-clean-as-far-1819579816 - so it feels like I’ve got to go with it 🤣

A dealer, not a Death Eater (chapter 161)

Archived on AO3:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/14046060/chapters/81831730  

A Sunday update.  🙌

A dealer, not a Death Eater (chapter 160)

Archived on AO3 at:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/14046060/chapters/81094900

This follows on with the same themes from the last chapter, so if you click through, pleased read and heed the warnings in the chapter notes.

Sorry it wasn’t posted sooner; I was busy experiencing the English national pastime of losing at the football. 🤣

How Long is this Fic Really?: A Guide

Word count in the HP Series: 

Sorcerer’s Stones: 76,944  Chamber of Secrets: 85,141 Prisoner of Azkaban: 107,253  Goblet of Fire: 190,637 Order of the Phoenix: 257,045 Half-Blood Prince: 168,923 Deathly Hallows: 198,227

Word count in the LOTR Series:

The Hobbit: 95,022 Fellowship of the Ring: 177,227 Two Towers: 143,436 Return of the King: 134,462

A dealer, not a Death Eater (chapter 159)

Two Sunday updates in a row.  😊

It’s on AO3 if you want to read it:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/14046060/chapters/80260489

But if you click through, please read and heed the warnings in the chapter notes.  It’s not the nicest of chapters.  And I dunno, get some chocolate or something.

A dealer, not a Death Eater (chapter 158)

I wrote another chapter.  If you want to read it, it’s on AO3 at:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/14046060/chapters/79866253

I would write more, but I’m shattered.  If you read it, I hope you enjoy it.  💚

A dealer, not a Death Eater (chapter 157)

So, here’s another chapter.  Hopefully two in two days makes up a bit for the three months of silence. 😬

Unsurprisingly, I have not made a miraculous recovery in 24 hours so still no Tumblr post, but it’s archived on AO3 at:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/14046060/chapters/32352954

It contains scenes of an adult nature, so I don’t recommend opening it at work.  Heed the tags on the archive.

(And I’m definitely worn out now, so there won’t be another tomorrow - just in case you’re wondering. 😊  Hope you enjoy this one.)

A dealer, not a Death Eater (chapter 156)

Evening, my friends :)

Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

If I do die, I am definitely getting you lot to write my eulogy.  (In all seriousness, I was in a very bad place a few weeks ago and your messages meant the world to me.)

I am still not well enough to return, but Dealer lives loudly in my head so I thought it was time I shared some of it with you all again.

On an 'I am still not well enough' note, I am afraid that I am not well enough to go through all of the hassle of formatting the fic for Tumblr.  Apologies, as I know some of you read on here rather than on AO3.

If you do want to read, you can find the latest chapter at:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/14046060/chapters/79181110

Hope you're all doing well; I miss you all.