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cloudrunnerscinnamon · 8 days

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A short, slightly angsty Twelfth Doctor one shot - but don't worry, it's cute in the end :)

Imagine you are traveling with the Doctor and at some point, after another ludicrous adventure, there are emotions demanding to be felt. What’s going to happen?

(picture not mine)

"Just Once"

„Do you trust me?“ the Doctor asked. His hands were firmly wrapped around your upper arms and he stared unblinkingly at you.

„Yes, yes of course, yes of course I do,“ you stuttered, „ always!“

The Doctor heavily breathed out through his nose and cast his view down, head hanging for a second before it snapped back up. This irritated you. Why did he seem disappointed? Why did you get the feeling that the Time Lord actually wished to be rejected. Was it because of fear? Was he scared of the responsibility that came with the trust that others put in him? That you obviously put in him… But why did he ask then? You were puzzled which had to be showing on your face because the Doctor’s face grew a bit softer, a bit less pensive and he seemed to really look at you again.

Then it dawned on you. He was asking for permission, which was also why he did hope you would deny him. Permission for what though? You had been running with this man for what felt like forever. Why did he need reassurance now? Now of all times?

You both had just barely made it out of an underground city which had been flooded by an acidic river. Until the last second the Doctor and you had tried everything to reverse the polarity of the thick, clear liquid but to no avail. In the end you still had to flee, almost not making it. Both of your clothes were scorched from the acid. Your boots looked especially bad. The soles were almost completely gone. Shame really, you did love those minty Doc Martens. Now, thinking back you realized how close of a call this last adventure had been. Suddenly something „clicked“ and you understood. Naturally the Doctor would pick a time like this to inquire upon your faith. It weren’t just your emotions running high but the Time Lord’s too. You had almost lost each other. All over in a blink of an eye. Gone. Unceremoniously slurped up by some acid glibber-liquid-river-thing. Dissolved into nothingness.

Panic rose in you, even more adrenalin rushing your system. Panic you should have felt minutes ago racing against a tide bellowing after you. But all that kicked in now.

„I could have died,“ you whispered to yourself eyes not really looking, your gaze going inward.

„We could have died!“ You yelled and your voice rung in your own ears, harsh and loud. You slapped your hand over your mouth shocked by the enormity of your statement and a tremble went through your entire body.

„Doctor,“ it sounded muffled against the palm of your hand. Tears sprang to your eyes, a familiar sting. Your throat felt very tight all of a sudden and then you couldn’t hold it back any longer. A heart-wrenching sob left your body.

The Doctor’s own eyes didn’t hold tears but they still carried a heavy sadness. His hands moved a little, making a very small stroking motion up and down your arms and shoulders. Then he removed your hand from your face which was still covering your mouth. He kept holding onto it tightly. His long slim fingers folded themselves around yours and that pressure anchored you back down. Wordlessly the Doctor started to wipe away your tears. All the while he kept holding your gaze and you didn’t know if you could handle the intensity or the intimacy of his actions. When he finally spoke the Time Lord’s voice was rough with emotions.

„But you didn’t. We didn’t.“ It almost sounded like he was only saying those words to make sure they were still holding up to reality.

The lump in your throat eased up a little. The Doctor’s hand on your face calmed you down and you leaned your head more into it. You let him take more of the weight that had been sitting heavy on you. Your eyes fell shut. His caress was blooming like a bright light in your mind and you relished all the attention he was giving you. How could those fingers be so soft and gentle when he hardly ever seeked out another one’s touch? How could he put so much comfort in one touch when he never let anyone be so kind with him? How could he be so gingerly when he would never allow himself to be treated the same?

You feel is thumb running slowly over your cheekbone. Once, twice then you lose count, lost in the sensation. The Doctor’s hand that was still holding yours squeezed lightly, you could feel a tug. It pulled you out of your head, like a rope pulling you out from under the water. You broke the surface and your eyes flickered open again. There he was and his cross eyebrows – not so cross right now. „He is so close“, you thought. Had he been that close a minute ago?

I am not a hugger. The Doctor’s voice echoed through your memories from a while back. Him uttering these words really had stung a lot. He had respectfully but also firmly peeled himself out off your embrace and gone back to fiddling about the Tardis’ console. Of course even back then you had known that the Doctor did not reciprocate your feelings for him. At least most definitely not the romantic ones. A friend, maybe even a best friend, something resembling family by choice – yes absolutely but not a lover, not that kind of love. So his comment about not being a hugger did not surprise you too much. Numerous times you had become firsthand witness to the Doctor and his awkward little dances to avoid physical contact with just about anyone. However it still shattered your fragile human heart. Secretly you had wished he would make an exception for you. Oh, how stupid of you to think that. Acid rivers wont kill me, you rebuked yourself, but my naiveté and wishful thinking are going to be the death of me.

No, the Time Lord really hadn��t been so close a moment ago and you were still certain that he wasn’t a hugger. So what was going on? His face was so close you could, for the first time, make out the little brown spots in the Doctor’s blueish-green eyes. It came with a bit of a surprise to you that you had never really thought about what color his eyes were. You just knew you always wanted to see them. Now that they had been unwaveringly on you for the last minutes you found yourself growing uneasy. The adrenalin, the panic, the close proximity to the Doctor and his strange behavior had you strung tight like a rubber-band about to snap. For a short time there was only breathing. It made you painfully self-aware, too loud, too heavy, too quick. Matching right up with the beating of your heart and you wondered if the Doctor’s two hearts were hammering away in his chest as well. You wanted to put your hand on his chest and feel, you needed to know. The craving was so strong you had to actively keep yourself from reaching out. There was no way you would invade his space like that even though he was practically pushing „his space“ onto yours by now.

You were lost and so confused. For all you knew you too could have been holding a silent conversation judging by the staring contest but you had no clue what about. The Tardis translates pretty much any language in time and space, why doesn’t she speak grumpy, Scottish Time Lord and his many dialects just this once. A huffed laughter slips out between your lips and you loose eye contact with the Doctor for a second. This was getting ridiculous and frankly you were past waiting.

„Doctor,“ with a swift movement you push his left hand off of your face and pull your hand free of his right.

„What is going on, what do you want? What are we doing here, I don’t –“. And his hands snapped back in position this time both on your face, holding it lightly, effectively shutting you up. You were dumfounded, brain not braining. A sound, which could have been interpreted as something in the area of „Doctor?“ but that would have been reaching, left your mouth. The Time Lord looked at you, registering all your emotions. His lips were slightly parted and his eyes wandered all over your face like he was trying to create a blueprint for his memory. And then wondrously he stepped even closer. It could have been the dim lights in the Tardis’ hallway but you were sure the Doctor’s eyes darkened. His body was so close to yours that you felt the heat radiating off of him. You stayed perfectly still not sure what to think, feel or do.

„I will do this once, because I just have to know.“ The Doctor whispered while bending down a little. His mouth was inches from yours and you could feel his hot breath on your lips.

„I need,“ he pressed his eyes shut and your breath hitched in anticipation, was this really happening?

„I need so see how it feels, I need to know if…“ He hesitated. The Time Lord opened his eyes again giving you a pleading look almost begging for help. You understood then that he was battling with himself.

Almost losing you had made him realize how much you actually meant to him and he wanted to act on it. He wanted to show you but this would mean completely going against all his rules. He was the Doctor he couldn’t get too close, he needed to keep a safe distance – always. Otherwise the inevitable loss would tear him apart. But not knowing what it would feel like to just give in made him want to crawl out of his own skin. For once the Time Lord wanted to feel it all, the butterflies, the longing, the safety, the familiarity and all the sweet nullities because how could he deny his hearts when they were bound to feel the pain of parting eventually.

You could see the ongoing struggle on the Doctor’s face.You wanted to help him badly but without taking the choice away from him. Knowing the Doctor meant to understand that he couldn’t be pushed. So you decided to simply repeat your statement from a few minutes ago.

„Doctor,“ you mutter, “ I trust you, always.“

In an instant the Doctor’s mouth was on yours. His weight pushed you against the curved wall of the hallway. The cool metal, a harsh contrast to the warmth between you too. One of his hands brushed past your jawline, along your neck, up into your hair. The other fell down to your waist holding onto you.

When you kissed it was a brush of soft lips. For all the need the Doctor had held right before kissing you, it was all but slow and tender now. Then the tip of his tongue nudged against your lips softly asking for more but it didn’t feel forward, it was rather sweet, almost shy. You opened your mouth and the Doctor deepened the kiss tentatively.

Suddenly you could taste him. There was thunderstorm and starlight, vanilla ice cream mixed with the smoky bite of a good Scottish whisky and something else, something you couldn’t quite put your finger on. It was glorious and you just melted into the Time Lord. Your bodies slotted against each other like they had always been intended to do just that and still he pulled you closer. Never letting go. There was heavy breathing and tiny noises but from whom you couldn’t tell.

Did you stop breathing and just kept on kissing? You had no idea.

Did said kiss last for two seconds or two hours? Still you had no clue.

All too soon the kissing stopped and pathetically a whimper slipped out of you when you felt the Doctor pull away just a bit. It was not for long though. He proceeded to place wispy kisses all over your face and your knees turned all wobbly. You always knew the Doctor was a kind and sweet soul but you never imagined him to be so smooth and caring when it came to physical contact. That realization made your heart want to burst out of your chest. Could you love this man even more?

The next time he reached your mouth he melted against it with a sigh. That sound robbed you of any restraint you might have still held and this time you passionately deepened the kiss.

When the two of you came up out of the haze for air, the Doctor looked slightly disheveled and you couldn’t help yourself but it was just adorable. Tousled hair, red cheeks, whiffled eyes.

You were still in his arms, you both didn’t seem to want to move. The Time Lord had never looked so openly and lovingly at you before. It felt like he wanted to make sure you understood that he was ready to let someone in. To let you in.

You smiled at him. Gently you ran your thumb over the Doctor’s cheek. He closed his eyes and a small smile was playing on his lips.

And then suddenly, you had figured it out.

„Oh, I know now,“ you said softly steeling one more chased peck on the lips from the Doctor to confirm your guess. He looked at you curiously.

„You know what?“ His voice low and husky.

„Oranges.“ you exclaimed and leaned forward a little. Speaking while your lips touched his.

„You taste like a loud thunderstorm and bright starlight, like vanilla ice cream doused with smoky whisky and fresh oranges.“

The Doctor laughed, burying his face in your neck and layering it with kisses.

„I aim to please,“ he said and you both had to laugh at that.

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cloudrunnerscinnamon · 17 days

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I guess I am back ...

(gif not mine)

Took me a while but here I am again writing fanfiction and fuck me that feels good!

So since I haven't written anything in quite some time – please be gentle. :) It is not perfect but it is a start. Here it goes. Enjoy!

Short, little something about the 12th Doctor and his travel companion. It is very fluffy. What I would imagine to be an almost „normal“ day in the Tardis.

The usual banter

„Well then stop complaining and just read it to me.“ (Y/N) said while she was walking through the many hallways of the Tardis holding a book in her hands. She was on her way to a more comfortable place to rest. She had spent the last half an hour reading, sitting on one of the chairs in the Tardis main console room. However her back had started to ache and she really did want to snuggle in under a blanket now.

„When you were sitting on the chair I could at least pretend that you were listening to me being all clever. If you go away I got no one to be clever for.“

The Doctor trotted grumpily behind his friend inclined to follower her until he eventually would persuade her to return back to the console room.

„Oh you poor thing you,“ (Y/N) twirled around while still walking and gave the doctor a puppy dog lock. Her sarcasm wasn’t lost on him at all.

„I know you just want my attention because you are incapable of enjoying some down time. But I am not - so please just let me read my book in peace and finde someone else to impress.“ Continuing on in her path, (Y/N) heard the Doctor huffing out a loud breath. She smiled to herself. This was them having a good time. Simple, friendly banter mixed with a bit of truth and a piece of spite.

„What are you reading anyways?“ The Time Lord inquired even though he already knew what (Y/N) was reading.

He had checked out the title the minute the woman had picked up the book. He had only kept up his monologue about quantum physics and why it should be taught in Kindergarden to make sure she did not realize he was actually just paying attention to her. His mouth had been on auto pilot doing its own thing. Flushing out knowledge which sounded reasonable enough to not make (Y/N) suspicious. The Doctor’s eyes though were roaming over his friend. They had drunk in every detail about her. She had been sitting a little hunched forward, cross-legged on a console room chair and the Doctor knew her neck would hurt later.

How she delicately held the book, absently running her index finger over the spine. Every other minute one of her hands would pull back a stray strand of hair which had fallen into her vision for the what seemed like the hundredth time. He smiled softly angling his head down a little, turning to the side just a bit so he wouldn’t give himself away. (Y/N)’s expressions were what captured him the most. She could run through so many facial expressions in seconds while reading and she didn’t even know it.

After The Doctor and (Y/N) had started to travel together he had soon learned that she was an adamant reader. Always carrying a book with her which in fact had come in more handy than he could have thought. Soon he had revealed to her the big library the Tardis had to offer and she had spent countless hours in there since then.

So to be honest the Doctor adored how much (Y/N) loved reading and was utterly stunned how much happiness it invoked in her. It made him feel like he could also maybe finde simple things that made him happy. It gave him hope and comfort. Nevertheless he would never admit this out loud. The teasing, the raillery and how they would always end up sitting together reading, talking about it, shushing each other when they wanted to make a point. He loved it, he loved her - which was a secret and something he pushed deep down, well away, avoiding the whole subject.

To answer his question (Y/N) just held the book up over her shoulder.

„You have read this one at least 3 times!“ The thick Scottish accent of this Doctor’s incarnation couldn’t possibly be more prominent. When he continued (Y/N) had to close her eyes for a second. She would never be able to un-hear that low dark rumble of a voice and it gave her the shivers - the good ones.

„How can you read that again, it’s not getting any better. Wasn’t really good to begin with and—“

„5 times, I read it 5 times and it’s my favorite so don’t mock it you old grump.“ She said with a twinkle. Another huff from behind her and then she had reached the door to her room.

The door slide upwards with a silent, swift movement and (Y/N) entered her room.

It was a while back, when on a whim the Doctor had decided that it was time to give (Y/N) her own room. She had been traveling with him for well over a year and even though the Tardis was good at providing the woman with everything she needed when ever she went looking for it, the Time Lord really wanted to extinguish the thought of her just being a guest. So in addition to a key for the Tardis (Y/N) also had gotten a room.

It was in itself a relatively large space however a comfortable king-sized bed, a dark green corduroy couch, several shelves filled with books and other stuff, as well as an antique wooden desk and a well-worn armchair made it look very cozy. Somehow the Tardis had managed to build in a big round window which was laid in deep enough so one could sit on the sill and marvel at the stars. A wooden stool was placed under it for better reach and the nook was set up with different sized cushions and blankets. There was no harsh light source, the whole room was illuminated by tiny fairy lights and garlands (Y/N) had hung in different corners and on the ceiling. Over time some of her drawings, keepsakes and other things had made its way onto the walls. There was a small bouquet of flowers, dried now put still carefully placed into a vase upon a small table next to the arm chair. Flowers (Y/N) had collected during one of the many adventures with the Doctor. In a corner by the bed was an old chair, layers of cloth made it almost invisible. Some of them had slit down onto a fluffy large rug. Somehow all of this captured so much of (Y/N)’s character and the space truly had become hers. It filled the Doctor with joy every time he noticed.

When (Y/N) had just started staying in her own room the Doctor made a point to not enter it. He didn’t want to seem intrusive or else overstepping boundaries so he simply avoided the space all together. But as time passed those boundaries got pushed around and eventually evaporated. It appeared to be that neither the Doctor nor (Y/N) really minded the other in their rooms. Which is why, without hesitation, the Time Lord followed his friend inside.

(Y/N) went straight for the big couch and crawled onto the shorter side of the L shape. Here she could finally rest her back comfortably against the big cushions and cover herself with that large blanket she had been craving. A happy sigh slipped over her lips and the plain words of her book started to take colorful form in her head. It could have been perfect but a few seconds in and (Y/N) had to avert her gaze from those pages just to see a rather cross Time Lord standing in front of her. His head was tilted to the side and he wore a what you could call a question-mark-expression on his face. It did nothing for him combined with his constantly peeved eyebrows but (Y/N) still smiled and sat up a little more.

„You are not, you are really not?“ Lost for words, the Doctor in his bewilderment gestured between the room and the door, his hands flying around.

„You are really going to just sit here and read that book?“ The Doctor pointed at the book as if he was trying to stab it. (Y/N) knew that the Doctor in fact did have a hard time wrapping his head around the concept of just doing nothing or at least not achieving anything, albeit one could argue reading was a great achievement. So she understood, some of this was show, familiarity, daily life with each other but still there was a little truth hidden in the Doctor’s words. He needed her to keep out the loneliness, the dark thoughts and perhaps even memories. The Doctor’s mind was much easier to carry when it was occupied. And most days (Y/N) was happy to oblige. She loved being his companion. One adventure after another, long sleepless nights and so many stories he could tell but some days she simply needed to rest. Catch her breath in someway. „Hey did you just silently insult my book with your finger. Cos I saw that!“ (Y/N) chuckled and rolled her eyes in a fake annoyed manner. She defensively covered the book with her hands mocking him. The Doctor drew in a breath and put his hands on his sides revealing the red lining of his long coat. His signature move, (Y/N) thought and she had to laugh at that. He really was a child sometimes, stomping his feet.

„Come on now Doc. You have three options here,“ her thumb went up to indicate the different alternatives.

„Number one: you can either sit down and be quiet,“ second finger joined, „ number two: you can go away do what ever the hell you want or,“ third finger rose, „ number three: and this is my preferred option, you can sit down, snuggle in and read the book to me.“ (Y/N) wiggled her fingers at the Time Lord and shrugged.

„Your pick.“

To the Doctor there really weren’t three options here, all he truly wanted was to be close to (Y/N). She calmed him, he had figured that out awhile back after they had been traveling together for only a few weeks. Everything around him usually carried some kind of intensity, pressure and he had a tough time ridding himself off that even in the comfort of his Tardis. (Y/N) took that away, she was like a constant that fixed something in him. At first he wasn’t able to accept that. It felt weird to the Doctor that somebody else had such an impact on him but after a while he recognized it as something special. With her around there was no need to go on and keep digging, to keep finding but he never told her that. Old habits die hard and he wasn’t ready to share that knowledge yet. After all he was the Doctor who kept running right?

Nevertheless (Y/N) did notice that the way the Doctor treated her differed a little from how he carried himself with others. She put it off to all the countless hours they had spent together and them simply being comfortable around each other. Just friends.

The Doctor grumbled something under his breath and kept lingering in the middle of the room.

„What was that?“, she asked. Instead of an answer the Doctor took a few long strides towards the Couch. Before (Y/N) could do anything the book was snatched from her hands and with a thud the Doctor plopped down right next to her. He pushed his shoes off putting his feet up and under his companion’s blanket. His left arm came down around (Y/N)’s shoulders and he opened the book at the latest dog-ear.

„You really have got to stop doing that.“ The Doctor nodded towards the book. „Dog-ears are just horrendous especially for the next reader.“

„If you wouldn’t interrupt me so often there’d hardly be any.“ (Y/N) tried to sound offended but she couldn’t hide the smile forming on her lips. She grabbed the Doctor’s hand that was resting on her left arm and squeezed it lightly. His fingers involuntarily interlaced with hers right away and his thumb caressed the back of her hand. This was sweet and surprising. They had been sitting close together before but as of late more often. However it normally didn’t go further than their bodies touching side by side.

The atmosphere had suddenly changed. The moment came and went and still they were just sitting there quietly, waiting maybe. (Y/N) moved first. She scooted down a little so she could lean more into the Doctor and was able to rest the back of her head on his chest. (Y/N) could feel the rise and the fall of the Time Lord’s breath. Were those thumps his hearts? She couldn’t be sure because her own heart was beating wildly. The Doctor drew in a long breath, he wanted to start reading. As much as he was enjoying the close proximity to (Y/N) he was also scared to give away how much it actually moved him. Reading would at least draw some of his braincells in another direction. He closed his eyes for a second to compose himself, how could he be so nervous? He was The Doctor, the oncoming storm, bringer of darkness and –. And in the face of feelings remotely in the vicinity of romance he still basically was just a school boy with a crush, tongue tide and clumsy hands. Sensing that the Doctor was hesitating for some reason, (Y/N) turned around a little and peeked up at the Doctor. The look she saw in his eyes startled her. She had seen that kindness and calm before all though hardly ever as unfiltered as it was right then. Yet (Y/N) got a scarce view of something else and it confused her immensely. What was that? (Y/N) let go of the Doctor’s hand and without thinking about it she very softly ran a finger along his face. She started at his hairline slowly tracing it down to his cheekbone, continuing on until she reached the corner of his mouth, drawing a half circle down upon his chin. And before she even realized what she had just done her hand dropped back down lying flat on the Doctor’s chest.

„I,“ (Y/N)’s voice came out a little raspy and she had to swallow to clear her throat.

„I thought, I thought I saw, there was something, I…“ She shook her head.

„Sorry I didn’t mean to just –. How rude of me!“ (Y/N) gained her bearings back and was suddenly very aware of what she had just done. Her face grew red and she felt stupid.

If the Doctor hadn’t been holding his breath before he sure as hell was now. The way she had run her finger down his face and had looked at him while doing so made him speechless. Second time he was lost for words in mere minutes, that’s an accomplishment. All the carefully stored away feelings he harbored for his travel companion came rushing out trying to finally overwhelm him. Well and that was that. It was over, there was no denying it anymore. After all that time and all those rules he put upon himself something just snapped. Fine, here we go then, the Doctor thought. Wrapped up in this huge aha-experience of his, (Y/N) begun to wiggle her way out of there close sitting positions. She didn’t dare look at the Doctor and just wanted to get away. Shocked by the unexpected loss of contact the Doctor panicked a little and dropped the book on the couch He quickly took a hold of (Y/N)s hands. She halted in her movement. Without saying anything the Doctor tucked a little. What he really meant to say was ‚please don’t leave, everything is good. Stay here - with me.‘ but all he managed, owed to his utter lack of being able to say what he really feels, was:

„Where are you going?“ His voice was soft, no trace of insistence. Silence. They looked at each other. The Doctor didn’t want this to go south, he wanted to save this situation make it go back to where they had been moments ago.Where was time traveling when one really needed it. When (Y/N) clearly wasn’t going to say anything, worse it looked like she still wanted to flee. The Doctor chose to go for chatter. Comfort lies in the known and chatting each others ears off – they knew.

„So you touched my face, no big deal. Isn’t like you haven’t done that before is it?“ The Doctor tried to sound normal, relaxed even.

„I mean I get it, I am a sight to behold.“ He wiggled his eyebrows and made an upward motion with his hand, flipping long strands of hair around he clearly didn’t have.

This was funny in itself because this particular regeneration of the Doctor really didn’t think himself handsome or good looking in any way. It had never bothered him too much. However since he felt more and more drawn to (Y/N) in a romantic manner he kind of wished he still was that young, springy, bow-tie version or even the sand-shoed one.

Finally a small smile on (Y/N)’s lips. Her shoulders relaxed a little too. Just one more for good measure then, the Doctor thought, and we should be reading in no time.

„Now I haven’t got all day. Do you want me to read this to you or would you rather prefer to map out more of my frowning lines?“ Almost back to her quick-witted self (Y/N) opened her mouth to respond but the Time Lord cut right in.

„Oh and no I am not doing voices. The last time I did that I had slightly too much red wine and you had broken your fragile human wrist.“ He glared at her one more time smirking and picked the book back up. (Y/N) was moving back into the position she had just left so hasty and slapped the Doctor on his knee.

„As long as I don’t have to hear anything about quantum physics for the next few weeks I take what I can get, you grouch.“ The Doctor scoffed, giving her a disbelieving look. „I have, you know, on good authority that some people would commit murder to her me lecture about –“ This time (Y/N) went right over the Doctor’s words.

„Shhh, less talking more reading.“ With that (Y/N) fully leaned back and placed her head on the Doctor’s hearts once more. The Time Lord smiled to himself. When he started to read his thick Scottish accent filled the room, he knew she loved it.

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