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chi-the-great · 2 years

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I'm not vengeance, but the means for it

I thought maybe if I add myself to the list of people I’ve lost, I’ll finally reunite with them. So I lost myself in order to find them. It’s not easy to hate yourself because of the love you posses for other people. The system failed to get me my rights, so I got my rights with my own hands. Every sacrifice I make is a sacrifice made to them. I am not vengeance but I am the means for it. I deliver it to the doors of those that are broken and mend their injuries with blood that belongs to their worst enemies. After all, it’s not a crime if it’s a perfect crime. How many serial killer documentaries have you watched that were admired unsolved mysteries, what makes me any different than those? You really think I will let my family's murderer escape for free? I will wrap them around my finger and use them as a pawn to set traps for their own family.

My pawn, I will make you watch each family member die a different painful death caused by your traps and you will have the luxury to save one of them, so pick wisely. You think you would escape me so easily? I will make your life a living dystopia and play the sounds of your family screaming on loop for you to sleep. You messed with me as a victim of crime, so you get to mess with me again as the lord of crime. Your end will be very painfully slow my pawn. I will use you for my own beneficial crimes and by the time I decide to get rid of you, I will change your last living member’s identity and let you take their life with your own two hands. Once the news has been revealed to you, insomnia will become your best friend and your best friend is what’s going to end you. My pawn is going to be a living example for people with the same rotten nature.

I used to think like you, but then I realised who better to serve a death sentence than a murderer themselves? Who better to catch a thief than a thief himself? Imagine using memory foam when you can use the real deal. You are never going to understand me, there’s no point trying to convince an atheist into religion but the only way to fix evil is to use more evil against it. Why keep a rotten human behind bars when you can dispose of them in a useful way. Humans sentenced to death are disposable human beings, used once for a perfect crime and then disposed of. Why throw away a perfectly new brush when you could throw it tainted in red? Always remember that we are not the same, your pathetic brown eyes turn hazel in the sun but mine turn red in the darkness. I did not like the system so I became the system, you did not like the system so you did nothing about it.

You play chess on a computer but I play chess in the real world. Your chess plays affect your ego but mine affect your standards of life. One wrong step and your king is in checkmate, one wrong step and my neck is on a blade. Tell me who’s doing the other a favor here. I hope your therapist knows enough about me cause I can’t wait till they hear you finally appreciate my work. Stop doubting my journey when we have the same destination. You gave the beggars money for a day and snatched it back in return for a basic life necessity, I gave them power and left it to them. What’s more powerful than power itself?

You all hate me but hating me was the only thing that united all of you. You prayed to god for change so I gave it to you, now you ask god to make this country a better place with no crimes and I refuse. Only thing you can do now, is watch as I turn this country into my playground. Don’t ever stand against the gods or you’ll be another nameless sacrifice. Let fate do its thing, be a hindrance and you’ll be a part of fate. This is not a threat, this a promise so be aware.

- @shahads.w on instagram

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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I haven't figured it out yet either.

~chi♡

photo source

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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after seeing your friends for a few hours sometimes u walk away and return home with a little ball of glowing golden light in your chest

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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Here's a whole post to you..

[hides in a corner]

~chi♡

i often think about people i used to be friends with (no falling out, just drifted apart) and wonder whether they think of me too

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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Types of Friends I have or had Pt 2

[but we don't go there]

1. The "I hope the clock never strikes 12 for you" friend

Together you've watched so much life just whizz by. Had such pretty braids growing up and an even prettier name(it tastes like metal now) . Their pencil case, school bag, water bottle everything was coordinated for a very specific Disney princess. So many lies, so many headaches, so much unintentional pain. Everything was an act and you both played your roles beautifully even if it only left you miserable. Forced contact lvl 100. They always dreamed about being a fashion designer, drew the nicest clothes and twirled around in their dresses. Sometimes everything felt so easy, so carefree. Most times their friendship felt like power, like a noose around your neck as if the weight of it would simply crush you. However you've never told them any of this, so they'll never know. But for old times sake, you hope, they find their happily ever after. (as far away from you as possible)

2. The "If only Accio worked on people too" friend.

This is the friend you made in a place you'd least expected it. You walked in and there they stood, smiling without a care in the world. Big main character energy. Together, you've shared snacks and talked about how weird life was. They were a breath of fresh air, one you wish you'd held onto longer. Smart and nice and fun but you'd only met them once. So all you have is their name [only 4 letters] and the memory of them singing a recap of an 8 movie long franchise [one you'd never seen] , whilst the both of you ran across massive wooden floors. Sometimes you wish you'd watched the movies and other times you wish you had their number. But most times you wish you had a silly little necklace that could turn back time. Most times you wish you could turn back time.

3. The "Such a clever grown up miss" friend

Older than you by ALOT. Did this make them think they had power over you? Maybe. Did you always play dumb to avoid confrontation? Yes. They had the shiniest long black hair and were atleast a whole head taller than you. Came in a pack of three. Either 2 other friends or 2 other siblings. They know everyone's drama and have the unique ability to make it their own. Always complaining and comparing. Complaining about their family, you wish they could leave. Comparing YOU to their family, you wish you could leave. Treated you extra nice for things you had no control over. So much guilt tripping. But they'd learnt it at home. They'd lived through hell there and I suppose brought a fraction of it to you. Their eyes held so much determination to do better, if only you could help. Often they'd say they'd like to disappear, if only for a little while. What counts as a little while?

4. The "Future that we hold is so unclear" friend

Have you seen a Potter. They start with simple tools, a spinning wheel, some clay and an ingenious mind, I was never able to comprehend. This person was the same. They commandeered words and colours and produced the finest specimens of art. I was in awe, constantly. What happens when geniuses aren't kind, when they start picking fights with people who deserve the world. What happens when you have to pick a side. I'm not sure. For now it's avoiding eye contact and not saying hii. For now it's not texting them anymore and not showing them your work. For now it's hoping time and distance will end what you weren't able to outright. It's a coward's tactic but I hope it works. Even if it hurts, I hope it works.

5. The "We're not who we used to be" friend

Neither of you had developed personalities when you first met. So you'd bounce off of each other and everyone thought you were inseperable. Sometimes people remember you as a pair. She's a runner, she's a trackstar was made FOR THEM. Always donning several rings on each hand, looking effortlessly beautiful. They're the first person that comes to mind when you think of their hometown, they essentially inroduced you to it. Resting mean face for days. But they're so nice it's actually disorienting. For a period of time you knew their phone number by heart, but technology evolved and your memory weakened, fickle as the mind is. And yet despite the years that have gone by and the other friend groups you've both now become a part of, you still call them pretty everytime you see them or wave and share a smile. Sure it's not the same as chasing them around the classroom every chance you'd get but hey you're not even in classrooms anymore and they'd outrun you anyway.

6. The "May these memories break our fall" friend.

Throughout life you will inevitably find yourself in relationships, you can't recall the start to. For some this realisation hits in old age for others during a silly game of truth or dare when you're twelve. For me it was while writing this. A poetic revelation, if you will. All I can remember is that they smiled quietly (I'm not sure how) and were weirdly confident for someone so young. Always had their hair half up and half down. They put up with my whiny, pouty little self and went along to wherever I wanted to go. Watched me be the class clown whilst seemlessly blending into the crowds. Their name at first glance seems so common, I should know atleast ten others that share it. And yet in my eleven years, since our first encounter, they're the only one I know. I guess being around them is so much fun, I don't know what city they're from or how old they are. All I remember is, US. Together. All the time. (and then never again)

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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You're stuck with me forever.

(affectionately)

~chi♡

I guess I‘ll never forget you, no matter how hard I try

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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Here’s why having friends scattered all over the world is not a Great Thing, actually:

you get lonely

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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Types of friends I have or had

[ but we don't go there]

1. The "I would give you the world if I could" friend

Smart and kind and every other admirable trait you could conjure, but they've had the life beaten out of them. Oldest, smartest, nicest child. Will stay up till however long it takes for you to complete your project and will pretend like they were going to anyway. Has a younger sibling that reminds them of you and so they know how to put up with your antics. Curly hair that needs to be cherished. Has 50 notebooks, all partially filled with the 50 simultaneous stories they're writing. Pretty handwriting, tiny hands and giant heart. Almost equal amounts of mentally ill with so you take turns being each other's therapists at this point. Brightest smile ever. Older than you so everyone thinks they're more responsible but they're lowkey a wreck. If only you could pluck the stars, you'd hand it to them and it still wouldn't be enough.

2. The "Everything feels like home with you" friend

Known them for atleast 6 years. Two hour phone calls are still too short. Matching bags, bangles, bracelets, key chains. If it has 2 colours, one's for you and the other for her. Watched your handwriting evolve, either you copied hers or she copied yours. Nothing is original. Your families are weirdly acquainted but it is what it is. Secret conversations in crowded rooms, pointed looks that say "we're definitely talking about this later". She knows all your cousins and remembers vacation stories you've forgotten yourself. Have atleast 4 of their numbers saved on your phone, for every one of their family members and every time they changed their own number. Being with them feels like sitting by a campfire or rewatching your favourite show, it feels like home.

3. The "We fell into this let's never fall out" friend

You either sat next to each other one day or misplaced each other's belongings. Accidents that lead to pure bliss. Has really obscure interests and their entire personality is based off of it. Usually seen in grumpy x sunshine friendships, can take both roles. Somehow you're connected to them in more than one way and though no one likes said connection, you bring it up every third conversation. An absolute ray of sunshine that needs to be protected. Emotional in the strangest ways, though you still love them. Very calm presence, too calm for you and so you call them dead. Leaves notes in all your books, constantly teases you and then enjoys getting dragged to places by you. Not sure if the universe planned your friendship but too many things had to fall into place for it to happen and you pray they never fall out.

4. The "This has to be a science experiment" friend

You should not be friends. It does not make sense. And yet, a life without them seems impossible. You don't share the same interests, opinions or mannerisms and yet you're usually on the same side when there's more than just the two of you in a situation. Creates art like it's second nature. The unrecognised potential of this person drives you insane. Part time friend, full time model. Make up technically being another art, means they're absolutely stunning at it. Might mess up your eyeliner once or twice but it happens. Have one recurring argument that everyone else in the friend group is sick of. Layered necklaces, winged liner, gold paint. The worst sleep schedule mankind could ever have, you and her both share, though hers might be a little worse. Nearly always tired or sleepy which considering you're always excited and bouncing in your seat makes another reason why you're starting to beleive that your entire life is a simulation.

5. The "sweeter than honey" friend

These are the friends that you absolutely do not deserve. Always put together, calm, understanding. Peak role model behaviour. The type of person that asks you to go on when you get drowned out in group conversations. Incredible listener. Is an amazing singer and/or dancer. Detects changes in people's behaviour faster than the blink of an eye and tries to fix things wholeheartedly. Has a strange hobby that you don't particularly approve of but we won't talk about that here. So much fun to sit next to and just chill with, road trips with them would probably be healing and inspirational. Probably. Everyone should aspire to be them. They're so nice, they almost restore your faith in humanity. Almost.

6. The "Always on a sugar high" friend.

This one right here. ALWAYS. ALWAYS HYPER. They must have springs attached to their feet, there's no other explanation. Hair ties always on their hand, ready to lend. Absolutely adores eating snacks with you in class. It's a miracle you haven't been caught yet. Not the best at dancing but will that stop them? Unfortunately not. Silky straight hair for days. Prone to unaccountable mood swings that require space and time. MANIC BALLS OF ENERGY. With them, you'll always have a good time. Their absence leaves a deafening silence in every room and no matter amount of chatter can drown it out. Questionable bucket list. At least fifty different things you've planned to do together and everyday you don't, it hurts, whilst also keeping you out of jail so, oh well.

#friends #poetry #poet #poem #writer #tag your friends

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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AN AGE OLD HABIT

Underwater, time means nothing and everything. You should be counting every second, timing your breaths. But it is so easy to let go. So easy to forget. So easy to stay under.

It's the same on journeys too, road trips in a car, flying to a different country or catching a train for the sake of it. Each time, I find myself not wanting to leave.

On buses, I'm beginning to think I can't.

It's always so simple, board the bus, find a quiet little seat, maybe in the back, hopefully next to a window. Place my bag on my legs, head against the side and earphones into my ears. However, that's all I can remember nowadays.

My gaze fixated outside, assessing every street and person, wishing I could meet them or stop to chat, but I can't. This bus doesn't stop, at least never where I want it to.

And so I watch people and trees, cars and birds, either zip by or crawl beside me, trying to keep up. The words in my ears are unintelligible, though in the only language I know, I have no idea what they mean. I catch words like paper rings and champagne problems and can't help but imagine what champagne tastes like. Does it taste like silk, richness and luxury or does it taste like cheap sparkling water? I'm hoping it's the former.

My empty finger pushes the strands of my hair out of my face every few minutes. Maybe if I counted how many times I'd done it, I would have known how long I've been sitting here, but I didn't. Neither did I pull my hair back.

The bus has started reaching the stops along it's route. I tear my gaze away from the beauty of the outside world and glance at the people getting off. They seem so poised, so focused. They seem like everything I've never felt. Like they don't plan elaborate novels in their heads for company , or talk to themselves in front of mirrors like celebrities or stay in buses for too long, when you're supposed to leave.

I marvel at them. I want to BE them. The next stop is mine, so I could. In a heartbeat, I decide, I must.

The song in my ears ends abruptly, I grab my bag and set it straighter, placing my earphones in the back pocket and trying to tell myself there's a whole world outside the bus. There's a whole world out there.

The bus pulls up to my spot and in slow motion, I watch as the door opens. The sky outside looks beautiful although not as stunning as the ones in my dreams and the grass looks so green, I know it's fake. My body tenses up and my fingers grip the straps of my bag tighter. I can do this. I can leave.

The bus driver announces my stop again and says the bus moves on in five seconds.

Five

A young boy jolts upright and screams to hold on, he haphazardly collects his things, nothing but a backpack and a 20 dollar bill that he clutches tightly. His eyes however, seem like they hold the entire universe.

Four

I wonder if my eyes ever look like his. The reflection in my mirrors, I imagine, is shaking her head, in clear denial. She knows, I know, I don't.

Three

The boy finally more awake, runs to the front, thanks the driver and jumps off.

Two

There's still enough time, I can leave too. Just as I almost stand up, I watch the little boy from the bus' window and can't help but notice his shoulders have slouched. He's walking but not really, it's too slow for a kid like him, he's stalling I realise.

It's been nearly a decade since I was his age and so I'm not sure why kids these days wouldn't want to go home.

Back in my day, it was usually because your home felt like it was on fire and the people seemed to bask in it. Alternatively I've also heard sometimes, some homes were frigid, almost like the thermostat had been broken and this was the worst winter yet.

Several years ago, I too never wanted to go home, but my home was never on fire neither was my thermostat broken.

I think I was.

My home always felt too small, too boring. Staying in felt like holding my breath. The longer I stayed, the more likely I'd die. The walls at my home weren't pretty enough to be the colour of someone's eyes nor was the furniture unique enough to have belonged to a different time.

Home was just home. It felt like nothing, never fueled my imagination, only my determination to leave.

Watching the boy, makes me think that perhaps the times haven't changed as much as we like to tell ourselves they have.

One

I'm sure the doors are closing in slow motion again, though this time I'm uninterested. Rather I'm too busy sticking my hand out the window and waving at the little boy, who now watches the bus intently as it passes him.

By the time we're turning off of this street, I can't be sure, but I think the boy was standing a little straighter. I wonder what tales he'll weave about the strange lady on the bus, I wonder if I'll ever hear of them. Hopefully they'll provide enough amusement till his next outing.

Content, feeling my own shoulders relax, I slide into my seat and take my earphones out of the back pocket, plugging them back in. They go back to playing songs, whose names I'll never be able to recall. Bag on my lap, head against the side, my gaze is once again fixed in the distance.

I missed my stop and watched as we drove by my house. Normally I've been told this is a matter of great concern but for the life of me, I can not imagine why.

This bus will take the same route again. Hours later. And I will sit here and soak in the world till then.

~chi♡

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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Sneak peak of my first short story, that I should be posting hopefully soon 👀

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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°The Bastard's Speech°

I want to write everyday. About everything, every waking hour. But it's so hard to make life sound poetic, there is nothing poetic about hoping and losing hope. Or almost making it but then not. The only poetic things are success despite failure and absolute failure. The little setbacks have no place in poetry. Almost knowing a person and then forgetting them all together, is unpoetic, to the point where their face is too hazy to recollect but their name rings a bell somewhere deep inside your mind. A place barred by fallen logs and the weeds you let run wild.

Harder even then is to write about a success never realised, one that is too unattainable but too desired to let go. How does one write about a future that may not exist. The only way around it, is to write with a frozen heart. But if memory serves well, no writer has ever had a frozen heart. Because a frozen heart can not bleed onto paper. And someone who can not bleed can not write. For what is poetry if not a bloody reminder of the world and it's sins and it's heroes that died too soon.

Hardest still will always be to write honestly, I have not one honest bone in me, I do not claim to. But poetry, the bastard that it is, wants your pain and your honesty and your insight. It wants it all at once, in rhyming verse. Why should I have to write about how I ruined my own day, possibly my own life. Why can I not blame it on the world, on the weather or the stars. Why can I not scream from the rooftops, how I wish I could scream from the rooftops, that I do not deserve all that I face, that the world is cruel and unjust and I'm as pure as I was the day I was born. Someday I hope to.

But poetry, has chosen it's next victim, it has chosen me and perhaps I'm too tired of this world that I will let it bleed my dry. I will write about everything I was so close to but never had, everything I hope to someday have and I will write as honestly as my soul will let me. For in this lifetime, I've chosen to speak the bastard's speech.

~chi♡

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chi-the-great · 2 years

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you ever read poetry that touches your heart so profoundly that with it’s haunting fragility you want nothing more to externalize in the celestial heaven it belongs, to sit next to the thrones of emily dickinson, walt whitman and edgar allan poe. to drip like honey in warm milk and remind you that poetry is not words escaping one’s mouth, but a melody finding it’s place in your soul.

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chi-the-great · 3 years

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°ME AND YOU°

Every show that I adore has an entire undying fan base and I know your favourite book does too. I like hot chocolate with marshmallows and everytime I order, my cafe tallies it up on this giant blackboard. It's supposibly their most popular drink. The Japanese restaurant you dine in at, on weekends, just opened a second branch. What I'm trying to say is there's many people like me and many like you. So someone must have a happy ending.

Apparently every human has atleast seven doppelgangers at any given time on the planet. That's seven other me's that could end up with seven other you's. I'm not sure what the odds are, but atleast one me must be less unfortunate. Atleast one 'me' gets to love you for eternity.

And even if all that fails, Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein, the two smartest people to have ever lived, believed that parallel universes were closer to fact than fiction. So at the very least, in one universe I'd like to think, we beat the odds. In atleast one universe there exists a happy ending for me and you.

~chi♡

#poet #poetry #poem #writer #poems #words #myfriendaskedmetoaddmorehashtagsimsorry #areyouhappykausar #daniyagetsatagtoo #istamheppy

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chi-the-great · 3 years

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I love art. It's my favorite thing ever. Books and movies and paintings and songs and photographs. All of it. But I think sometimes we underplay the effect they have on us, we don't realise the way they shape us from the inside out. There's the simple ways ofcourse you watch a movie and your favourite character has a little quirk maybe they only ever dress in suits and so you've decided to do the same. Maybe your favourite fictional character loves all things blue, blue cookies and birthday cakes and ribbons. So now inadvertently blue is your favourite colour. But there's also they ways we don't quite realise until it's too late. The things we can no longer undo. You could watch a movie and then spend the rest of the week in a daze. But you're not quite sure why. Maybe the daze is filled with this nonsensical longing. And you wonder for what. Because nothing has changed since last week, last month or even last year.

You have the same routines, same jobs, same people in your life then and now. But you're sad. So, so, sad. And I hate to say this, it's probably because of that movie. It touched you and changed you and your perspective on life. It doesn't even have to be a sad movie, because those obviously call for some grieving. However even happy movies, movies that are cheerful and uplifting and inspiring, can leave you feeling empty and unhappy. Because the happy endings in those movies remind you of your bitter truth. Of all the things your younger version dreamed of and you couldn't achieve, yet. Or of everything you wish you could be right now but can't. You see the dullness in your life, you see how your routines do infact never change and you don't meet new people.

You see your life for what it is, a less exciting version of what you hoped it'd be. And that's ok. That's part of the magic of art. It holds so much more than just a plain picture, or a set of words, it's someone's hopes and someone's dreams. Maybe even someone's nightmares. And it's all out in the open for you to revisit or for you to claim. There's always going to be something for you, and hopefully, given time, it brings you comfort and not just incessant longing.

~chi♡

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chi-the-great · 3 years

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For fifty seven seconds today, I believed everything I was told.

Words from years long gone and whispers I shouldn't have known.

For fifty seven seconds it all came back to me,

For fifty seven seconds I threw away peace.

I was to aim for the stars, the sky was my limit. I was an ideal in the flesh.

But what could people like me ever achieve, we were worse than everyone else.

I was gifted with intelligence and purpose and insight.

And yet my stupidity was infuriating.

The doodles in my notes were sources of joy but the ones on my hand birthed disgust in too many minds.

I was well spoken and my presence calming. I was the anchor in people's storms.

But my words were heedless, my existence conceited. I lived to do nothing but wrongs.

I was everything you could ever dream of and a mess no nightmare could conjure.

I was everything to everyone and then nothing at all.

Paradoxes within paradoxes within paradoxes lay before my feet.

Praises dealt with the same hand as deceit.

Horrified stares followed by shows of pride.

Endless criticisms from empty minds.

Seventeen years of hell and heaven,

Fifty seven seconds of living through it again.

Had there been a fifty eighth,

I think it would be too much to bear....

~chi♡

#poet #poetry #poem #writer #myfriendaskedmetoaddmorehashtagsimsorry #poems #words #dark academia #spilled poetry

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chi-the-great · 3 years

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Math not mathin' do be true

uni started 4 weeks ago and i already feel like i am months behind, the math is not mathin’.

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chi-the-great · 3 years

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you’re the plot twist i’ve always waited for

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