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briefdrawings · 7 years

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whoa ok step back, daedalus built a cow suit for a woman who wanted to fuck a bull and that's why the minotaur WAS A THING? I DID NOT KNOW THIS

I honestly think that I’d be doing you a great disservice if I didn’t tell you about the time Daedalus enabled rampant bestiality, so allow me to clear this gap in your knowledge.

Anyone who doesn’t want to read a poorly retold myth about a man who built a cow suit so realistic that it totally fooled a magic bull into laying down some absolutely quality homo-bovine dick and siring a minotaur should probably press J on their keyboard right now, but honestly if that synopsis doesn’t do it for you then you should probably just quit Greek mythology all together.

So, Minos is this guy who manages to achieve the dual feat of being both King of Crete and an incorrigible asshole. Also, the first achievement is a really tenuous one, because Minos has like a billion brothers and he’s basically Malcolm in the Middle and all his brothers are better looking than him and they have way better abs and it’s really awkward every year at Christmas because they’re all “could you pass the stuffing, Minos? Also you’re totally stuffed because I’m going to be king one day haha suck it, right on” and so Minos starts to get really worried that he’s going to lose the throne to one of his more lustrous-locked brothers and then he’ll be stuck with just the one achievement of being an incorrigible asshole and so he has a little brood and he comes up with a plan.

One day, he goes up to Poseidon, god of the sea and all things wet (or at least that’s what he tells girls at the Olympus nightclubs) and he’s like “hey, Poseidon, could you do me a solid?” and Poseidon is like “no bro but I can do you a liquid” and they have a little manly giggle and then Minos says “no but really, I need a favour” and Poseidon is like “well, you just gave me a golden opportunity to mock the states of matter, I’m 100% up for doing any favour you want” and Minos says “well, you know how I have loads of brothers” and Poseidon is like “you mean the better looking ones?” and Minos pouts and says “looks aren’t everything, but yes, those ones” and Poseidon is like “go on” and Minos says “well, I need them to stop trying to steal the throne because it’s getting really annoying and also I can’t sleep at night any more and it’s driving my hot wife insane, could you maybe show that you totally support me being King of Crete? That way, they’ll definitely stop being dicks at Christmas” and Poseidon just nods and says “I have a great idea for how I can do this”

and Minos is like “wow, are you going to send down an army of merpeople and slaughter all my brothers in a righteous and watery battle?” and Poseidon is like “no” and Minos says “are you going to conjure up a giant tidal wave and make it destroy all my brothers’ homes but leave my palace totally intact?” and Poseidon is like “no” and Minos says “well, are you going to turn all my brothers into mermen?” and Poseidon is like “look, I’m going to send you a bull”

and Minos just blinks and says “a bull” and Poseidon nods and grins and says “yes, a bull” and Minos says “THAT’S bull” and Poseidon points behind him and says “no, THAT’S a bull” and then he brings out this fucking phenomenal bull. Like, this bull puts all other bulls to shame. It’s glowing white and it’s as big as two ordinary bulls and probably twice as virile. It’s basically overcompensation in taurine form. Anyway, this bull is so bitchin’ that immediately, all of Minos’ brothers are like “wow, nope, you can keep that throne, we don’t want Poseidon to sic his sick bull on us” and basically Minos lives happily ever after with his incredible bull.

Until eventually Poseidon shows up at Minos’ palace and says “hey, Minos, you know that really awesome bull I lent you a while back?” and Minos is like “what bull” and Poseidon is like “the magical snow white bull which gleamed in the Cretan sun like limestone and Apollo’s cheekbones” and Minos is like “oh, THAT bull” and Poseidon is like “yes, that bull, now where is it because I’m having a bull party next week and I really want it back” and Minos says “well, here’s the thing, and it’s kind of a funny story really and I’m sure we’ll laugh about it later, maybe we could even laugh about it now, ha, but anyway all jokes aside I’m keeping the bull” and Poseidon is all “like fuck you’re keeping that bull, it’s my best bull, this is bullshit” and Minos is like “that’s one of the hazards of keeping a bull, maybe you’re not cut out for it” and Poseidon says “you haven’t heard the end of this, Minos, you have made a very powerful and watery enemy” and he leaves and Minos goes and, like, pets the bull or something, I don’t know what you do with bulls.

So, Poseidon goes back to his soggy lair and formulates a plan, and he eventually comes up with something straight out of Quentin Tarantino’s brie-induced nightmares. He goes to find Aphrodite, the goddess of love and afternoon delight, and says “hey Aphrodite, first of all you look delectable and secondly I need you to help me make a woman bang a bull” and Aphrodite is like “I honestly hate this job sometimes, but you’re right, I do look delectable, tell me more” and Poseidon is like “I had this really sweet bull and I lent it to Minos so he would think I liked him and now he won’t give it back and so I need you to make his wife fall in love with the bull, it’s a foolproof vengeance plan” and Aphrodite says “you are a god” and Poseidon says “yes” and Aphrodite says “why can’t you just, you know, take back the bull with your divine power?” and Poseidon is like “look, are you going to make this woman fall in love with the bull or not” and Aphrodite is like “fuck yes, that sounds hilarious, consider it done and I want front row seats” and Poseidon is like “you are my favourite niece and occasional lover, I owe you one”

Back to the palace at Crete, where Minos’ wife, Pasiphaë, is lounging about on a contemporary equivalent to a chaise-lounge when she suddenly gets this unmistakable urge to do the do with a bull - but not just any bull, her loins quiver only for the bull in her husband’s barnyard. Instead of doing what most people would do when they realise they have an insatiable urge to make tender love to a bull and immediately committing herself to months of therapy, she thinks “I know what I have to do” and she picks up the contemporary equivalent of a phone and calls Daedalus, inventor and architect extraordinaire.

She’s all “hey, Daedalus, we have patient confidentiality, right?” and Daedalus is like “I’m not your doctor, so no” and she’s like “well, I’m your Queen, so how about you say ‘yes’ instead and I tell you what I want?” and Daedalus is like “my lips are sealed, tell me what you need” and she’s all “well, there’s this really rad guy and I totally want to just lay him down and lick chocolate sauce off his body, but there’s a hitch in my plan” and Daedalus says “yeah, you’re married” and Pasiphaë says “yes, and also he’s a bull” and Daedalus is like “do you mean he’s well hung or” and Pasiphaë is like “look man you gotta help me on this, I need me some sweet bullocking and only you can help me” and Daedalus says “I’ll do what I can, but I hope you have a damn good shower at your palace because I may need to use it for about 6 weeks afterwards” and she’s like “done, now get over here and get me some”

So Daedalus turns up and helps her, and in the blink of an eye, he’s built her this monstrous wooden cow suit. Now, the myth is not exactly clear on the mechanics of this bovine sex toy, but it’s established that Pasiphaë gets into the cow suit and goes to find her bullock beau and they make sweet, sweet cattle love all day and all night. I do not know how she manoeuvres herself inside this wooden furry abomination and frankly I do not want to know, but whatever she does is 100% successful because 9 months later she gives birth to another furry abomination. The good news is that he’s a healthy, bouncing baby boy. The bad news is that he is half baby and half bull and also he has this really annoying habit that most newborns don’t have of eating people, which means that Minos is the definition of Not Impressed with his new stepson, so he does what any sane human would do in this situation, and he calls Daedalus.

Daedalus says “I’m in the shower, what do you want?” and Minos is like “look, my wife has committed a slight indiscretion and I need you to take care of the result” and Daedalus is like “she fucked a bull and she’s had a grotesque hybrid baby, hasn’t she” and Minos narrows his eyes and says “how do you know?” and Daedalus says “just a stab in the dark, mate, I had no hand in this at all, literally none, just let me wash my hands a minute and I’ll be right back” and Minos is like “just build something to trap that devil spawn, because it’s started to eat my servants and I never even wanted a stepson anyway, it’s just one more claim to the throne isn’t it” and Daedalus is like “dude, give me a week and it’ll be done”

and so Daedalus constructs this impenetrable labyrinth that’s so impregnable that Daedalus nearly gets lost on the way out, and they lob the minotaur tot right into the middle of it, and that’s that.

Except then the minotaur starts demanding the sacrifice of seven young men every year, who are tossed into the labyrinth and forced to play a fatal game of cat and mouse with a grotesque superpowered man-bull creature that will ultimately devour them, flesh from bone, at the heart of a labyrinth that only he can navigate, but that’s a story for another myth. Or The Maze, starring Dylan O’Brien, out in a multiplex near you.

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briefdrawings · 8 years

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Hi. I've seen your work and your absolutely amazing. And well I'm not really sure how to ask this but, where would you suggest getting started..? I've been drawing all my life and now I'm trying to get into animation and I've researched and even tried jumping headfirst into animating but I don't really have any direction. How did you first start out..?

Hi there! Thank you so much for the kind words. Sorry for the very late reply, I have been very busy with work lately - but I’ve always been dying to answer this ask for a while now.Like you, I didn’t really have a direction when I first started animation. Growing up, the study of animation was never a popular field with my south east Asian friends - so there was no real access to any professional animation desk and tool there. I’ve experimented with Flash a lot, making stick figure fight scenes, little skits and animatics, and just mere tests. I’ve always surfed around online communities with people who also shared a similar interest in animation. I think that helped a lot, and it gave me a more niche focus on the medium itself. So from my education and career so far, here’s what I can advice how non animators can get into animation.

1. Get a software or equipment to animate with.When I started animation, I’d say it was with Flash. Flash for me was accessible, and it could do the things I needed it to do. It wasn’t until later on, I studied traditional animation and focused more on a classical training. However - if you just want to just start animating and experiment with the medium, I’d say get a software first. Experiment with timing, sequential drawing, poses, just get the hang of the medium itself. Flash (now called Animate CC) is a popular choice within the internet, but you can also animate in TVPaint, Photoshop and Toonboom. I have been trying out the open source software that Ghibli and Dwango released for free (its called OpenToonz, I’ll def make a video for that someday), and for it’s value; it can be a pretty good animation software! I’d say just try it out digitally with a drawing tablet, and see if its something you still want to pursue - then I’d recommend studying it traditionally! The reason I say this is because that one requires a lot more patience and discipline, so I’d recommend people to try it without investing too much on it before you are really interested.You can practice animation basics like the bouncing ball, the squash and stretch, arcs - just to get that feeling of animation in general.

2. Get the Animator’s Survival Kit by Richard WilliamsI don’t usually recommend books because the goals of one book can be different from the ones that are reading it. However, Williams’ Animator’s Survival Kit is basically that - a Survival Kit. It’s my go to book when I need help on timing tips, spacing, walk cycles - there’s a lot of basic yet useful information in that book for both beginners and adept animators. I still use it time to time. The great thing about that book is that it breaks down the mechanics of why good animation works - and shows how you can achieve the same thing. There’s a lot of great things you can refer to from that book when animating.

3. Study scenes from animation you like!

You can like the sakuga style of animation, the disney old school, the experimental, the don bluthy, the looney tunes, study the ones that inspire you. Things like basics and mechanics can be taught - but studying animated scenes you like will help you think more about placing your drawings. You can study them by redrawing the keys, watching it frame by frame, and breaking it down analytically.

4. Join online communities!This helped me a lot when I was still trying to find an interest to study after high school. The animation community online is so big - theres a lot of access to community help! Yotta Studios has recently set up online animation forum - and everyone there so far has been pretty swell to deal with. A lot of talented folks there too! You can post your work in places like those - tell them your goals and what you are trying to achieve - and im sure you’ll get some great feedback. The 11second club is an online monthly challenge where artists can animate to a line of dialogue (usually 11 secs long) and submit it for that month. There’s a forum there too - but I haven’t used it in such a long time.

5. Get a hold of animators you admireThis one is tricky because the folks you may admire might just as well be very busy. However, if you get a hold of someone you respect and ask them for their guidance, they can steer you in a direction that can help you grow. From my experience, I was told from my mentors that my work was too “all over the place” - so they adviced me to keep things more subtle, controlled, and less frantic. One of my mentors told me to think more about giving life than thinking too hard about the overall performance - and wisdom like that from a veteran animator can help a lot. Although some may never respond - it never hurts to ask!

6. Start getting the hang of drawing fast and looseI’m not sure what one’s drawing background may be - but animation (especially hand drawn) requires a more gestural mind set. You’ll be drawing a lot more in quanitity than illustrating a fine detailed piece - and you’ll also need to draw bolder/graphic statements. Things like tying down and fine tuning a drawing can come later - but for hand drawn animation - they usually look for the performance in the acting, the timing, and how pushed the poses are.

I hope this helps! I find it hard to give advice for non animators because I have to think a bit more vaguely, but those are the top ones I can think of at the moment. I might have made it sound intimidating because it is in a way, a lot of work - but it is a fun medium to work with,

-Toniko

#animation

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