blackbird0blog - Tumblr blog

blackbird0blog · 9 months

Text

Hilarious 😆

reborn au!!! how team disaster meets. sort of. comes in 3 parts. uh read the warning

this takes place after tori has fled oto (which imploded. maybe because of certain Actions. history repeats, etc), and after she's been traveling around with Deidara for a bit.

the warning: an adult man gets weirdly and uncomfortably fixated on tori in a way that's implied to be sexual and also intentionally humiliating for her. nothing comes of it but the dude's own demise

xXx

Tori woke up with her cheek pressed to a cold cement floor. The air was musty and smelled of human bodily fluids. She cracked an eyelid: the lighting was dim, but she was very clearly in a cell. Her face was a foot from the bars.

Hello darkness, my old friend, she thought, because she’d thought she was done with waking up in strange cells.

The dim light was coming from outside the cell, in a corridor. There was another cell across the way, and Tori could see a shadowy pile of rags inside. Another prisoner.

When nothing happened for a few minutes, Tori sat up. The movement made her head ache, and her mouth was dry, but otherwise she felt mostly unharmed. Except something seemed… off. Really off.

Someone had changed her clothes, to a baggy shirt that smelled of sweat and a pair of matching shorts. Tori stuck her hand up the back of the shirt, fingers tracing her skin for evidence of the intrusive thing she could feel modulating her chakra.

“They’ve sealed it,” a voice from further in the cell said.

Hatake Kakashi was leaning against the back wall, his legs spread out in front of him. What the fuck.

(In the corner opposite of him was a bucket. Tori didn’t want to think about the bucket until she absolutely had to.)

Kakashi was wearing the same gross prison uniform, although he’d ripped off a strip of cloth from the bottom of his shirt to use as a makeshift mask over his nose and mouth. It would almost be cute, except nothing about the current circumstances were cute or amusing at all. He looked significantly worse for wear: his face was haggard and his posture screamed exhaustion.

“Where are we?” Tori asked.

“What village are you affiliated with?” Kakashi replied. His voice was wary.

“None,” Tori replied. “Where are we?”

There was a long pause before Kakashi answered. “Hidden Grass.”

Interesting, Tori thought. Except not interesting at all! What the hell did Kusa want with her and Deidara?

“Did you see a blonde boy, when they brought me in?” Tori asked. “Blue eyes, about my age?” She paused and added, “Short?”

Kakashi simply stared back at her.

“Please?” she tried. “He’s my friend.”

Kakashi rolled his head slightly to the side. He seemed… out of it.

“They brought you in alone,” he told her.

Kakashi was less than talkative, so Tori leaned against her own stretch of wall and contemplated what to do.

She wasn’t particularly bothered by the seal on her back. She guessed it would prevent her doing any jutsu, but she was still strong enough to stand up and walk around. That meant she still had some chakra running through her body. In a pinch, she could just use blood for a seal. Ninjutsu had never been what made her dangerous, anyway.

She was worried about Deidara. He was perfectly capable of an array of ninja skills that didn’t involve chakra, and he was clever on top of that, but the comments of their captor had been… well, she got the impression they’d be paying more attention to him than to her. She was sure he could handle himself, but the thought that he might be tortured or otherwise hurt made her antsy to do something.

She took a deep breath. Calm down, she commanded herself. She needed information before she could do anything. Like, where was Deidara? Where was she, exactly, in relation to him?

Many hours passed, and four times the same guard shuffled down the corridor, shining a flashlight into cells as they went. None of the other prisoners said a word, so Tori kept her mouth shut and listened to the guard’s footsteps. They always stopped at the end of the hall, followed by scuffing noises. A room, maybe, with a chair?

She heard conversation at the end of the hall once, muffled but with a friendly cadence. More scuffing of furniture being moved. Then a female guard did the next rounds.

There were no windows, so Tori had no idea how much time had passed.

“How often do they feed us?” Tori wondered out loud.

Kakashi lulled his head towards her. “They haven’t fed anyone in six days,” he provided.

Well, that explained a lot.

“They might have put you in here because they’re running out of space,” Kakashi continued. “But part of me wonders if they just want to see if I’ll eat you.”

Tori laughed. The sound echoed in the cell.

“It’s not really funny,” Kakashi replied dryly.

“Don’t eat me; I taste bad,” she said. Then, because Kakashi was being chatty, she asked, “Can I look at the seal they put on you?”

Kakashi just blinked slowly at her. No answer. Okay.

With the state he was in, Tori thought she could probably wrestle him to the floor and then look. But she didn’t really like the idea of physically holding someone down and rolling up their shirt, and also: Hatake Kakashi could be an important tool for escaping. After all, who knows what kinds of ninja she would run into when she freed herself and went to look for Deidara. She’d have to figure out where to look, then get around any obstacles, and then have a distraction if she needed to set up any fuinjutsu along the way. Having Kakashi on her side would be very useful, even half-starved.

Teaming up with an unknown ninja always carried the risk of them bailing the second working with you was more hassle than it was worth. Tori didn’t fear that with Kakashi. But, if she did convince him to help her, he’d need his chakra.

If Kakashi wouldn’t show her his seal, she’d have to figure out a way to visualize hers. Although she found it boring, Tori wasn’t complete shit at meditation. She crossed her legs, closed her eyes, and focused on how her chakra interacted with the seal.

The good news was that the seal’s entire purpose was to suck up her chakra and then only let out what her body needed to maintain itself. That meant that, if she concentrated hard enough, she should be able to figure out the exact way that chakra moved through the seal. This would give her no information on what the seal looked like, but she could make an educated guess at reverse-engineering it.

The female guard did another round. Tori imagined a single particle of chakra– which wasn’t really what chakra was made of, but helped her visualize it– and then imagined tracking it through her body. It was born in her stomach, then went up to her heart normally, and then the seal sucked it up before it could go anywhere else. It went through a weird spiral through there and she lost track.

What did the spiral look like? She started again.

The female guard made four more rounds. Tori’s stomach started to growl.

Another guard came, this time banging on the cell bars and tossing water bottles at the prisoners. Tori opened her eyes and stared blearily into the hallway. It sounded like there was another double occupancy cell down the way. Why the hell did they have so many prisoners?

And why wasn’t Deidara one of them?

The new guard was a big man who came right up to the bars to leer into their cell.

“I heard we had a new girl,” he said, teeth flashing at Tori. “Here, take your water ration.”

He poked the bottle through the bars so that Tori would have to get up and approach him to take it. He grinned down at her, lording this power over her. Across the cell, Kakashi shifted slightly.

Tori did not want to take the water. But if they weren’t even feeding them, it would be stupid of her to refuse. She stood and took the three paces to get to the front of the cell.

The guard didn’t move away when she took the bottle. It was thick, hard plastic; probably reusable.

“Take a sip,” the guard prompted.

Tori stared down at the water. She’d been well-hydrated when she got in here. Should she just let Kakashi have the whole thing?

“Take a sip,” the guard insisted.

Tori didn’t want to, but as she raised her eyes to meet the guard’s, she felt as though she suddenly understood him. This man would be the source of her information, no need to break out and snoop around at all.

“Um,” Tori said, fiddling with the bottle. “The other shinobi…”

“I’ll give you two more bottles,” the guard offered. “If you drink the whole thing right now.”

Weirdo, Tori thought as she complied. She wouldn’t feel hungry for a bit, at least. The guard watched her intently the entire time, his gaze making her skin crawl.

The guard did follow through on giving her two more bottles, pressing his face through the bars as he did.

“Have you had to use the bucket yet?” he jeered.

Gross, Tori thought, and willed herself to tear up even as she accepted the bottles.

“You will soon,” the guard promised.

“I don’t want to,” Tori sniffled. “I didn’t– I didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I just want to see my friend.”

“You friend?” the guard replied, eyes fixed on how Tori rubbed her nose. “You’re not seeing your friend ever again.”

“He’s strong.” Tori hiccupped. “He’ll break out and come save me.”

The guard’s grin grew even wider. And just like that, Tori had the guard taunting her with all the horrors that were going to befall Deidara and then her, because he got off on humiliating preteen girls or whatever.

Tori couldn’t be sure of all the details between the dramatic showmanship and threats, but what she understood was this: Kusa was rounding up spill-over from Oto’s demise. They’d been particularly interested in shinobi that had experimental body modifications and jutsu from Orochimaru, of which they had incorrectly identified Deidara as one. They were studying the modifications and keeping other captives to then try out their own attempts to replicate the modifications.

She even got info on where the experiments were happening: in a temporary lab set up outside of Kusa. Tori supposed that including information about high security labs and the tools inside was supposed to be… scary, or something. She pretended to sob and sob and then when she was getting bored with repeated jeers, begged him to stop.

He left her crouched in the corner with both bottles of water and promised he’d be back when she needed to use the bucket.

She performatively let out a few more sobs after he’d left, listening intentionally as he jeered at and berated other prisoners with renewed vigor. What a disgusting man. She should make sure he died during her escape attempt, whatever that may be.

When she could hear him in the guards’ room, Tori finally dropped her act. She stood and stretched, then caught Kakashi’s eye.

He raised his eyebrows at her, questioning.

Tori took a step toward him, and he crossed his legs and straightened up but didn’t flinch. Tori set both full bottles of water next to him and sat down at his side.

“Nice work,” he said, his voice low. “But what do you plan to do with any of that? If you can’t get out, you’re just going to have a weird pervert watching you now.”

He said the last part with a wince in his voice, like any decent human. Or maybe he just didn’t want to have to see it, trapped in here with her.

“I have some tricks up my sleeve,” Tori told him, uncapping one of the water bottles. “And I’m sure you do too, Hatake Kakashi.”

209 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 11 months

Text

Funniest Akatsuki!Sakura - Ever

Normally I don't like Naruto fanfiction that's set in the modern day world, because why would I read a story about ninjas when they aren't even ninjas?

But this fic was so good and so well-written that I fell in love with it. Give it a try, it is incredible.

The Natural Habitat of Haruno Sakura by Tozette

Summary: Sakura moves to a new town to attend university and desperately needs to find a cheap room in a share house.

Luckily, the Akatsuki need a new housemate.

At five o’clock in the morning, Sakura was woken by the door to the storeroom she was sleeping in being hurled open. It banged against the wall and she sat up, shrieking.

“Good morning, Sakura-san!" Gai-sensei was standing in her doorway, fully dressed, in a pose with one hand stuck out in a thumbs-up. “Let’s sweat our youth’s sweat together!”

Sakura’s eyes went huge. “Wh-what?”

Was that some kind of euphemism? She stared in horror.

“Mou...” sighed Tenten, peering around the edge of the door. Her eyes were bleary and her hair was only half-up. She was still fiddling with the left side, twisting it into a bun. “He wants you to come for a run with us.”

“I don’t run,” Sakura said blankly.

Gai-sensei’s pose and expression didn’t waver.

Tenten just yawned. “He won’t stop until you do, so... better put your shoes on.”

#most hilarious Akatsuki!Sakura ever #crack fic #comedy #naruto fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic rec #hilarious #akatsuki

7 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 11 months

Text

Naruto Fanfic Recs

A comedy of Itachi and Deidara back in time, only barely managing to pretend to be functional people via excessive applications of genjutsu. They're an absolute disaster as they plot to kill Madara (Itachi) and get used to Konoha life (Deidara), and oh boy is it hilarious.

“What did you even bring me back for?” Deidara asks. “Surely you’d work better with Kisame, yeah.”

“A few reasons,” Itachi says. He, of course, can’t ever fully elaborate on anything properly, and so he gives just one. “You have information I need.”

“Oh yeah?” Deidara asks.

“Yes,” Itachi says, turning his face to meet Deidara’s eyes. “I need you to help me kill Tobi.”

Deidara stares and waits for Itachi to deliver the punchline, but his face is dead serious.

“You need my help,” Deidara repeats, “to kill Tobi, the stupidest, clumsiest idiot that I've ever met?”

“Yes,” Itachi confirms, “because he’s actually Uchiha Madara.”

A very, very long silence passes, and Deidara wracks his brain for where he’d heard that name before. He’d done a lot of research on the sharingan to strategize against Itachi, and that involved reading more about Uchiha history than he’d prefer. Uchiha Madara was… he was…

“What the fuck!” Deidara yells, sitting up straight in bed.

“Shh,” Itachi chides him, leaning over to push him back down. “You’re supposed to be resting.”

“You’re insane,” Deidara says. “There’s no way that’s true, yeah.”

“It’s okay if you don’t believe me tonight,” Itachi says, resituating himself against the wall. “He’ll make a move soon enough.”

Insane, Deidara confirms in his own mind.

“I need to know everything about his behavior,” Itachi presses on, “and you’ve spent the most time with him.”

“He’s stupid and loud,” Deidara informs him. “Very un-Madara like, yeah.”

Itachi keeps going like he hasn’t heard Deidara. “Anything you can think of. Habits, fighting style, likes and dislikes, allergies–”

“You want to kill Uchiha Madara with allergies?” Deidara asks dubiously.

“If it works,” Itachi answers. He continues to sound dead serious, but then again, that’s just how he is.

“Fine,” Deidara says, and then yawns exaggeratedly. “I’ll think about it, yeah.”

#Itachi and Deidara compete for Most Disfunctional Human #time travel #crab #comedy #hilarious #deidara #itachi #naruto fanfiction

20 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Avatar Fanfic Rec

In which the rumour mill is thriving, Zuko is ready to give up, and Toph won’t stop laughing.

Also, the citizens of Caldera City might be a bit concerned about how quickly their Fire Lord is apparently going through partners.

A snippet from my favourite chapter, chapter 4:

It's funny, Zuko thinks, how a single letter can ruin your whole day.

In this case, the letter is a piece of unassuming yellow paper, with the words To Fire Lord Zuko written on it in a neat, formal script. It looks like something a noble would write, except it's not tied with silk ribbon or sealed with wax—it's tied with simple brown twine. And the hawk definitely isn't Fire Nation; it's a mottled brown-and-black, with darker eyes than the hawks Zuko's used to.

He opens the letter and immediately chokes.

Dude.

Did you fuck a dragon?

xoxo your favourite bounty hunter

p.s when you send a reply, send it to the blue moon inn in Garsai. It's where I'll be staying for the next few weeks.

What. The fuck.

How—?

He glances down at the baby dragon snoozing in his lap. Out of all the unexpected things that have happened to him, and there have been a lot, Druk might be the most unexpected. Zuko kind of wishes he could go back and tell thirteen-year-old Zuko that, in twelve years' time, he'd be Fire Lord with a baby dragon at his side, because apparently the baby dragon had imprinted on him when he grabbed its egg by mistake.

That...is what happened, right? Like, Druk's just imprinted? He's not Zuko's biological kid?

Oh, spirits, now Zuko's starting to doubt himself. He didn't sleep with Ran and Shaw, did he? That whole day is kind of a blur. Do dragons have the power to hypnotise people? Do they have the power to erase certain memories?

"Hey." Aang nudges him in the side, startling him out of his unwanted reverie. "Are you okay? Was the letter bad?"

Oh, right. He's at a dinner. With his friends. 'Friends' includes Aang, who was at the temple with him and knows what happened.

"Aang," he says, mentally steeling himself for the onslaught of teasing, "you know that day, when we went to visit the dragons? I didn't, um. I didn't fuck them, did I?"

All conversation dies, immediately.

Aang stares at him, his eyes so wide Zuko can see a full ring of white around the grey pupil. "What."

Zuko closes his eyes. "Please tell me I didn't sleep with one of the dragons. Or both of them. I don't know how dragons work."

"I—why would you—?!"

"So I didn't do it, right?"

"No!"

"Oh, thank Agni." He lets his head fall forward into his hands.

"Dude," Sokka says, "you've got issues."

"Zuko fucked a dragon?" Toph asks, sounding entirely too gleeful about it, that little shit. "Is that why he has Druk?"

"I didn't fuck a dragon," Zuko snaps. "I think we've just established that."

"You shouldn't have to establish that!" Katara looks more than a little disturbed. "Why would you even think you did it in the first place?"

Zuko waves June's letter. "It's from June. She asked me if I fucked a dragon."

Toph snatches it out of his hands. "What's it say?" Sokka asks, leaning over the table.

"How many times do I have to say it, Snoozles? I'm blind."

"Oh, right." Sokka takes the scroll from her and clears his throat.

"The letter says, 'Dude, did you fuck a dragon'," he declares. "And...that's it." He looks at Zuko. "That's it? That's all it took for you to start wondering if you fucked a dragon?"

"I don't know!" Zuko defends. "Maybe I did fuck a dragon and I just don't remember it!"

"How do you not remember fucking a dragon?"

"Dragons have been almost extinct for a hundred years, Sokka. For all we know, dragons have the ability to erase memories."

"I think we're all ignoring the big question here," Suki pipes up. "Which is: why does June think you fucked a dragon?"

Zuko points at her, inadvertently jostling Druk. "Yes! Thank you! That's what I—"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence, because Druk does not like being woken up before sunrise. He makes this very, very clear, by climbing Zuko like a goddamn tree and tearing his outer robe to shreds.

"Hot," Suki says, as the tattered remains drift to the floor. "You should show off more, Zuko. You've got a sexy bod."

"Fuck you all," Zuko announces. Druk curls up on top of his head.

Toph grins and leans back in her chair. "Nah. That job's reserved for the dragons."

#Zuko and the Rumour Mill #Toph is having the time of her life #crack fic #comedy #fanfiction #fanfic #fanfic rec #fic rec #avatar fanfiction #toph beifong #zuko atla

20 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Avatar(ATLA) Fanfiction

With Friends Like These

Summary: Two years after the war, Fire Lord Zuko has consolidated his hold of the Dragon Throne, having purged the court and earned the tentative support and respect of his people. But the more united the Nation becomes, the more wary the other kingdoms grow, and the fragile peace is threatened by an incendiary rumour that has spread through the colonies; a rumour which could light the spark of another war. Together, Team Avatar must piece together a broken world.

A group of teenagers competently ruling the most powerful nation in the world and striving for world peace while simultaneously being idiots. Team Avatar in a nutshell.

Chapter 1: The Rulers of Fire

The Caldera during a late summer evening was pleasantly cool as the sun gave way to the moon in the darkening sky. The palace was resplendent and grand, the gardens peaceful and sparsely populated as courtiers left the centre of governance for their homes as the day drew to a close. A few lingered behind to chat with their fellow ministers.

“-can't believe our great nation has come to this.” A man partially hidden behind a tree was saying to a fellow governor, one who didn't look enthusiastic to be part of the conversation. “A foreign witch traipses around the homeland, mudslingers root loyal nobles from their homes, and schoolgirls in face paint swagger about the palace halls!” The old, ranting man released a puff of steam from his nostrils. “The Fire Lord fills the positions of most importance with foreign harlots!”

The minister he was talking to looked positively alarmed at his words. “Watch what you’re saying Chen! You sound like Ozai’s supporters,” he hissed warningly.

“Don’t mix me in with them,” Chen sneered. “If they haven’t been rooted out by the Beifong bitch, they’ve gone so deep into hiding they won’t crawl out for years.” Reluctant admiration crept into his voice. “Even if she’s a little girl, the Fire Lord knew what he was doing when he hired her. But the rest of them!”

“Lady Mai is Fire Nation.”

“A sixteen-year-old,” Chen scoffed. “The Fire Nation is being ruled by a group of teenage girls!”

Standing behind the gossiping nobles with his arms crossed, Fire Lord Zuko was scowling.

“I didn’t realise I was a girl, much less a group of them. But you know what they say, you learn something new every day.”

Zuko’s sarcastic interjection made Minister Chen jolt upright like he’d been shot with lightning. Despite the lightness of Zuko’s words, the ambient temperature rose several degrees as the fire in his chest burned at the insult to his friends. The man’s colleague paled, stepped a large step away from Chen and bowed.

“My Lord!” The guilty courtier spun around with fearful eyes and dropped to his knees. “I meant you no offence!”

“No,” Zuko agreed, not asking him to rise. “You meant offence to my honoured guests. Those teenage girls are bending masters, ambassadors, and experienced warriors who fought in the war, who now contribute to the stability of our great nation. They are more than worthy of your respect and admiration. The next time you say such will be the last time you speak before me at all.”

“Yes, my Lord. Thank you for your mercy my Lord!” He kowtowed in the traditional Fire Nation supplication, face pasty white, holding the position until Zuko swept by. The clatter of the courtier’s feet and the patter of the Kiyoshi warriors followed in his wake.

Minister Chen would be useful as bait in case Ozai’s supporters contacted him, and if he didn’t change his ways then he would lose his voice in court forever. Zuko had dismissed minsters from his court for insulting his friends before. If the insult was vile enough, he had outright banished them in the age-old, favourite tradition of the Fire Lords. Being permanently barred from politics had crushed the dreams and aspirations of more than a handful of them before the rest wised up.

They entered Zuko’s study after a short walk through the palace halls, and Zuko sat behind his desk, Suki and one of her warriors taking positions at his back.

“You were saying, Minister Qin?”

The older man cleared his throat. “The last of our factories that were causing negative effects on the environment have been closed. We are temporarily employing their workers to clean the pollution, but that is only a temporary solution. The lost jobs from the factory closures will have to be replaced.”

The former War Minister Qin now served as Zuko’s Technology Minister, no longer stealing from the mechanic of the Northern Air Temple but maintaining and improvising upon what they had for purposes other than war. To say Qin had been against this turn of events was an understatement.

Zuko nodded in acknowledgement then turned to the other minster who was as far from Qin’s image as possible. Not only was the Minister of Justice a woman, she was also as least three decades younger.

“Lady Beifong and the Dai Li have apprehended the late Admiral Zhao’s family and are transporting them to the Caldera pending their trial.”

He knew that already. Zuko raised a brow, wondering where she was going with this.

“Admiral Zhao committed great crimes against the spirits, and there are many who believe a harsher punishment may appease them.” Zuko noted that Minister Ran avoided saying whether she agreed with this sentiment.

“The Fire Lord ended the practice of familial exterminations,” Minister Qin interjected, to Zuko’s great surprise. The man was as recalcitrant as he was unfortunately competent and had never supported Zuko in anything, especially if it went against tradition. Suddenly speaking up now was entirely out of character.

“Yes,” Zuko said a beat late. “So long as the Zhaos are not found guilty of criminal acts, they will be released with compensation for the rough handling.” He turned to Minister Qin. “I want that plan for adapting our existing technologies for agricultural use by next week at the latest.”

“Yes my Lord.” The man bowed, and Zuko was surprised again. Where was the dragging of feet, the excuses for the delays, the recalcitrant attitude and veiled disrespect? After another brief pause he turned back to the Justice Minister.

“Minster Ran, prepare for the Zhaos’ trial. Speak with Lady Mai and make sure they are not mistreated in the meantime. Dismissed.”

His ministers made the flame with their hands and bowed, backing from the room. Zuko let out a dragging sigh, beyond relieved the day’s work was coming to an end.

“I thought I would be happy the day Minister Qin agreed with me,” Zuko grumbled, slipping out the sharp cadences of fire nobility to the common earth kingdom vernacular, slumping in his chair. “But his sudden change of heart doesn’t bode well.”

Suki nodded thoughtfully, her scrutinising gaze lingering on the door. She had learnt to speak the common fire nation tongue in prison but was still working on the dialect the nobility used.

“It is odd,” the Kiyoshi warrior agreed. I feel he’s had a change of heart about you. But at the same time Qin’s too stuck in his ways and I don’t think he’s changed his ideals at all.”

“That’s what worries me. Why does it seem like he’s having a huge misunderstanding about my intentions?” Zuko’s question was directed to Suki but another voice answered him.

“Uh, he kind of is.”

Perched on the windowsill was a familiar figure in yellow and orange robes.

“Aang!”

The Avatar hopped off the balcony railing and landed lightly on his feet, grinning.

“You shouldn’t be sneaking in, it’s bad for security,” Suki scolded, though she didn’t sound too upset.

“It’s good to see you Aang,” Zuko greeted, “but I thought we were going to meet at the Summit?”

“Hehe sorry Suki. And that was the plan,” Aang agreed, “but I have a lot to tell you so we decided to drop by first.”

The door to Zuko’s study slammed open before he could ask what the airbender meant, and in stalked Toph, Mai close on her heels.

“I thought I felt your toes, Twinkletoes,” Toph greeted him with a playful punch before laying down on the couch and rudely putting her feet up on the arm rest.

Aang complained about the nickname while rubbing his shoulder and Suki smiled at her fellow Kiyoshi warrior. “Take the night off, Ying. The Fire Lord will be safe with us here.”

“You got it captain.” The young woman saluted cheerfully, bumping into someone as she was leaving. “Oh, hello Katara, Sokka.”

“Hi Ying,” Katara’s voice sounded as she rounded the corner. “Look who I found stealing fire flakes from your kitchen.”

“I’ve been flying all day and Zuko doesn’t mind,” Sokka protested, entering the study just behind his sister.

“Sokka!” Suki beamed, rushing to greet her boyfriend. “You flew in with Aang?”

The water tribesman smiled dopily back at her, dropping a kiss on her painted lips. “Yep, I was in Gaoling organising trade deals when I bumped into him coming down from Omashu.”

Toph tensed. “Gaoling?”

“Yeah.” Sokka grimaced. “The trades are actually with your family. They didn't mind dealing with our tribe, but they also haven’t changed their stance on… uh, other stuff.”

Toph sneered, crossing her arms. “No surprise there.”

“Yeah.” Sokka coughed awkwardly. “They, um, also ascribe to some of the weirder rumours that’s been going around the Earth Kingdom.”

“More rumours?” Katara asked, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what we came to talk to you about, Zuko,” Aang said awkwardly.

He scoffed. “What now? Are they saying I eat babies for breakfast or something?”

“No, no,” Toph said, her voice full of laughter. “Zuko only eats raw meat because he’s actually a dragon pretending to be human, except he’s really bad at it. That’s why he’s so awkward all the time.”

“Oi!”

“Uh no. Nothing about food preferences this time. They kinda think you’re an evil mastermind who’s planning to take over the world via diplomacy?” the monk’s voice lilted upwards apologetically.

Zuko snorted humorously and Toph outright laughed. “Sparky? A mastermind? Zuko couldn’t mastermind his way out of a paper bag!”

The girls all joined in the laughter, even Mai smiled.

“Hey!” he protested, though it was half-hearted at best. “I could totally be a mastermind!”

They laughed harder, all except for Aang and Sokka.

Katara’s eyes widened. “You’re not joking?”

The airbender winced. “No, they really think Zuko’s trying to take over the Earth Kingdom, only using diplomacy and scheming instead of force.”

“That’s why Ozai’s old supporters that we couldn’t get rid suddenly became helpful!” Suki burst out. “Do they also believe that nonsense?”

It had been seriously getting to them, thinking Zuko’s more treacherous ministers were planning something sinister. If it was them just tricking themselves by listening to nonsense rumours then that would be great, but problems rarely ever resolved themselves so easily for Zuko. And by rarely he meant never.

Zuko shook his head. “No way, I’m never that lucky. They’re definitely planning something.”

“No,” Sokka shook his head, “I think they might actually believe the rumours.”

“But they’ve met me. They know I’m not some evil mastermind!”

Becoming Fire Lord had not improved Zuko’s people skills.

“I'm not sure they do,” Aang said apologetically. “And it’s not just the Fire Nation, the rumour started in the Earth Kingdom. It’s spread pretty far, I’ve heard a lot of people believe it, like General Fong and Colonel Wen, as well as the Pangs and the Yan Su Hongs.”

Zuko eventually broke the silence. “Shit. You’re serious.”

“I know, I couldn’t believe Zuko would ever have to defend himself from being accused of being an evil genius either,” Sokka shook his head disbelievingly, “but those guys don’t know you. They only see your actions through the lens of their own suspicion, and it makes them see what they expect to see.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t help that a lot of your armies are still in the Earth Kingdom,” Aang added.

“I can't just pull them all out!” Zuko exclaimed, revisiting the old argument. “Chaos would descend upon the lands and it would leave all the Fire Nation citizens who live there unguarded!”

“I know!” Aang raised his hands defensively. “But that’s not how they see it.”

The firebender got to his feet angrily. “I pulled out all our forces from Ba Sing Se! I’ve spent the last year withdrawing them from the eastern front. Uncle may be an ‘honoured guest’ and is free to run his tea shop, but we all know the Earth Kingdom considers him a hostage to keep me in line!”

The firebender stalked the length of his study, candles flaring with his emotions. His fists clenched. Zuko hadn’t seen his uncle since the last time he visited the Earth Kingdom capital a year ago. What if someone assassinated him in hopes of restarting the war? Zuko knew his uncle could take care of himself, but what if they poisoned his tea? It only took one person like Jet, and then the nations would be up at arms again.

He furiously wore holes through his carpets until Katara tugged at his robe to stop him.

“How is Uncle doing?” Toph asked, sitting up. “It can't be easy for the Dragon of the West to live in the middle of Ba Sing Se.”

Zuko started pacing again. “You know what Uncle’s like, he’s having fun pretending to be harmless old geezer. He doesn’t say anything when he writes, but yeah, he’s probably been chasing off assassins by the dozen as well.”

“Is that still happening?” Aang frowned, worriedly fiddling with his staff. “I thought they’d stopped by now.”

‘We haven’t had an incident in four months,” Suki said, “not since the last time someone tried to poison Zuko’s food. It’s a good thing Mai pushed for a taste tester. Otherwise, and I hate to say this, but we might have missed it,” she finished unhappily.

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourselves, you guys are warriors, not poison experts,” Katara consoled, though she also shot Zuko a concerned look.

“Most of the nobles are too scared to act right now,” Mai added, “or they just don’t see the point when security is so high. Now that they’ve tried all sorts of methods and none of them have worked, they won’t try again for a while. But I doubt we’ve seen the last of them.”

Sokka shook his head. “Right. As disturbing as Zuko’s regular schedule of attempted assassinations is, that’s not our main worry right now.” His face contorted and he tried to backtrack. “I mean, it’s probably Zuko’s main worry, and it’s not like I’m not worried too, I’m super worried! Not that I don't trust you guys to handle it, I only meant-”

“We get it Sokka.” Suki rolled her eyes.

Aang took over. “People no longer think that you’ll restart the war. Only it’s not because you’re a believer of peace and equality, but because they think you can accomplish a takeover better by selling yourself as a good guy.”

Katara’s voice rose dangerously. “Selling himself as a good guy? Haven’t they considered it’s because Zuko is a good person?”

Zuko was touched by her words and tried to suppress the usual sensation of warm gooiness in his chest that always arose whenever one of his friends stuck up for him. Mai rolled her eyes at him, so he probably wasn’t successful at keeping it off his face.

“You’ve been doing a great thing Zuko,” Aang said. “Even the Earth Kingdom people in the colonies are glad you’re keeping the peace! But outside of the colonies things are deteriorating.” He shook his head sadly. “Ba Sing Se was never meant to grow so large. The Earth Kingdom used to have a hundred kings and city-states, with the kings having a lot of local power and only the over-arching issues being decided by a council under the High King. Without the war, without a foreign aggressor, they’re splintering again and jockeying for political power. Banditry is running rampant in the east, and the northern districts are pushing for complete independence from the crown.”

Zuko saw where this was going. “They’re blaming me for their internal issues,” he said, heart sinking and voice certain.

“What? That’s ridiculous!” Katara exclaimed.

Aang’s face was sad as he nodded. “They think it’s all a grand scheme of yours to destabilase the Earth Kingdom. And to make things worse, there’s a drought.”

Zuko’s eyes furrowed as he thought back to the latest reports from his governors in the colonies. “I haven’t heard this.”

The Avatar’s grey eyes were solemn and he looked far older than his fourteen years. “That’s because it’s only been in the south-eastern region, not in the western colonies. The summer was a hot one and there’s still no sign of rainfall, and the hardest place hit is Shenzhen. They’re the Kingdom’s breadbasket.”

Zuko’s lips thinned. “There’s going to be a famine.”

“A bad one,” Sokka agreed grimly. “People in Ba Sing Se are scared and some are leaving to return to their homes now that the Fire Nation is no longer attacking. Kuei is, well. Not the most inspiring ruler, and they believe it’s safer to live under your rule since the banditry in the east has gotten so bad. The upper-class think you’re poaching their citizens and converting them to Nation. There are even rumours…

“What?” Zuko asked flatly.

“There are even rumours that you’re behind the drought.”

He threw his hands up in utter exasperation. “So now I can control the weather!?” Zuko tried to run a hand through his hair, made a noise of frustration and plucked his crown out and tossed it onto his desk. Then he flopped onto the sofa next to Toph. “People actually believe this?”

“Well, everyone knows that the Fire Nation consider the Fire Lord as Agni’s will on earth. Now the sun is scorching the territories that aren’t under your protection… and people are dumb.” Sokka, ever the sceptic of superstitions, rolled his eyes.

“It doesn’t help that some people think I’m too biased towards the Fire Nation,” Aang said, his tone shaded with tired gloom.

“What? You’re the Avatar!” Katara said angrily while Toph made an indignant noise.

“How could they say that?” Zuko exclaimed the same time Suki scoffed.

Aang had done his best for the people of every nation, always. He’d spent two years flying from place to place, listening to old men argue and shout at each other, mediating with more patience and wisdom than all of them had shown combined. How dare they insinuate he was lacking as the Avatar!

“They think me rebuilding the Western Air Temple with Fire Nation resources is a bribe or a ploy to make me favour your country. They also don’t like how much time I spend here.”

“Those are war reparations, not a bribe!” Zuko said indignantly. “I literally only returned the Air nomad artefacts that we stole in the first place and lent you some architects. It wasn’t nearly enough to make up for our crimes, and even then it didn’t cost a fraction of a percent of what the Earth Kingdom are demanding.”

“It’s not only that,” Sokka spoke up. “It’s also that we’re all here. Suki leads your personal security team, Katara tours the country as a healer and the Water Tribe Representative, I visit often as the Southern Ambassador, and Toph is well known for being your hand of justice.”

Toph looked inordinately pleased at that. The young earthbender had gained a terrifying reputation for being able to sniff out lies, and the shocking speed and effectiveness with which Zuko carried out his purges had shaken the confidence of the Fire Nation nobility. Corrupt officials and commanders were imprisoned, and the worst of Ozai’s supporters were gone.

Hanging in the air but left unspoken was the fact that, at the end of the war, they had all returned home to find nothing fit properly. It took some time, but they realised home hadn’t changed; it was them. What Zuko had experienced upon his first return to the Fire Nation, the others came to understand.

At first, it was wonderful. Sokka and Katara reunited with their family, Toph made up with hers, and Suki had gone back with her girls to their island. Aang, like a true nomad, flew between them all while meeting leaders of the kingdoms.

But then the polar winter set in and Sokka and Katara grew restless while Toph’s parents made noises about betrothing her. Suki’s family were her fellow warriors and a warrior without purpose was a lost one, and Aang was lonely travelling alone.

Suki came first, Zuko contracting her warriors to guard him. The turmoil in the Fire Nation had yet to bubble over at that point, but it had been very concerning. Zuko then sent a messenger discreetly requesting Toph’s lie-detecting services and she leapt at the chance. Katara and Sokka left their home again to negotiate the war reparations and trade deals in person, even though only one of them was truly needed. Aang ended up dropping by more and more, complaining about everything and nothing and always ecstatic to see everyone.

The all migrated back to the Fire Nation, back to Zuko who was the only one bound to a physical location, and together, they had rebuilt the Fire Nation. Zuko didn’t think he would have been able to hold his country together without them and was often awestruck that this incredible group of people were his friends.

“People don’t like that you’re bear-hogging the Heroes of the Hundred Year War.” Sokka made quotations in the air.

“The Earth Kingdom aren’t helping to feed our people through winter. They never offered our tribe help before, even when we were fighting the Fire Nation together,” Katara huffed irately. “They also weren’t fed a hundred years of lies about the Water Tribes! Zuko’s people were told that everyone not Nation are savages and lesser. I’m living, breathing proof that this isn’t true, but I need to be here to prove that.

“And what would they even expect us to do if we went to the Earth kingdom?” It was Katara’s turn to pace. “My healing can help people, yes, but in terms of numbers I barely make an impact. The best help I can give is speaking with them and bringing their concerns straight to Zuko or the local authorities. And that’s only possible because of the Fire Nation’s strict social hierarchy and because I happen to know the man the top. If I tried that in the Earth Kingdom, most places would laugh me away!"

Katara had started her tours of the islands as a favour, going to heal a small village who were devastated by illness. She discovered the cause was a poorly maintained well and told Zuko, who told the local mayor to fix it. Then she did it again, and again.

It ended up with Katara acting as Zuko’s eyes and ears while representing her tribe. His citizens knew they could take their concerns to her and the Fire Lord would investigate fairly. Zuko would have loved to go himself but was stuck in the palace governing and had yet to tour his country since the end of the war. He sent Katara instead, guarded by several Kiyoshi warriors, as representatives of the other nations and what they could accomplish working together.

“I’m doing so much good here!” Katara finished, impassioned. “For both the Fire Nation and our Tribe.”

She also frequently returned to the South Pole along with shipments from the Fire Nation. Immense amounts of resources were being invested into the Tribe as reparations, and in return the South sent their unique goods to Fire Nation markets. Whalebone ornaments, rare fish, southern pearls, and luxurious furs were commodities that couldn’t be obtained anywhere else.

Aang raised his hands defensively. “Hey, I agree with you. But it doesn’t change the fact that the Earth Kingdom are getting snippy about it. Also,” he turned to Zuko, “the Beifongs are still angry at you for keeping their daughter captive-”

Everyone let out a collective snort.

“Yeah,” Aang grinned, “not that anyone who’s actually met Toph believe them. But they have a lot of money and power and are being encouraged by other warmongers.”

“Well they can set foot in the Fire Nation over my dead body.” Zuko gestured rudely in the direction of the earth kingdom.

“What, and start another war?” Toph rolled her eyes.

“For you? Of course.”

Toph punched Zuko so hard he yelped, but they all saw her smile. The conversation died naturally as they all got lost in their own thoughts.

“It’s not so bad,” Katara eventually voiced.

“Not so bad?” Zuko repeated incredulously. “It’s a disaster!” he yelled. “I thought the Fire Nation was actually starting to see that conquering the world was a terrible idea. Now it turns out they’re only supporting me because they think I’m doing just that, but in a sneakier way! How am I supposed to convince people to respect the other nations if they think I’m only doing all this as some sort of cunning ploy?”

“That’s not true Zuko, they do respect you!” Katara exclaimed. “I’ve been out there speaking to them and they know all the good you’re doing.”

“But they still want to conquer the world!” He deflated when he realised he was shouting at her. “Sorry,” Zuko muttered. “I just thought we were making progress.”

“We are,” Katara said emphatically. “The Fire Nation is seeing that violence isn’t the way to do things.”

The earthbender snorted. “Yeah, because they see the value in a cunning takeover via friendship and cooperation instead.”

“Zuko. This is all because you’re too nice,” Suki said seriously.

“Maybe I should burn down a few villages to reassure them of my innate evil,” he returned sarcastically.

“One step forward, two steps back,” Sokka said sagely, then paused. “Wait no. I meant two steps forward, one step back. Oh whatever, you know what I mean. The Fire Nation is adapting to non-violence and even the nobility are coming around. This is just a minor setback.”

“But it will still cause trouble at this year’s summit,” Zuko stated.

“Right. That’s why we came to warn you,” Aang said.

“So just because Zuko’s a good Fire Lord, the Earth Kingdom can blame him for all of their issues?” Katara asked indignantly.

Zuko felt that calling him a good Fire Lord was a stretch. He felt like he was treading water, sometimes overwhelmed with the enormity of the task before him. The only reason he hadn’t exploded due to the stress was because everyone was there to help.

“Zuko you’re a good ruler, no, a great ruler. Everyone can see that.” Sokka said, solemn in a way he only was when things were serious. “But people don’t know how to deal with a benevolent and just Fire Lord. They’re seeing a good man at the helm of the world’s most powerful country, and it scares them.”

Zuko barely refrained from groaning. This year’s Four Nations Summit would be fun.

XXX

That night, they somehow all ended up in Zuko’s room.

Aang turned up on the balcony again for a cup of tea and firebending advice and just never left. Toph tunnelled her way through the wall bringing a plate of snacks, and at midnight, Ty Lee – who was supposed to be guarding his room – let Katara, Sokka, and Suki walk straight in through the door.

They all piled onto Zuko’s enormous, ridiculously decadent bed, fought over the best spots, and kneed and elbowed each other trying to get comfortable. Sokka ate half the cakes himself and sprayed crumbs all over Zuko’s sheets while laughing at his own jokes. Toph and Katara fought viciously over the comfiest pillow while Aang tried to calm them down, only to lose it to Suki who snatched it out from under their noses.

They ended up chatting about everything and nothing until the night turned to early morning and they were all yawning. Just as they were about to drift off, Sokka began snickering to himself. Everyone was too tired, so they all ignored him hoping it would go away.

“Hehehehe.” The dumb sniggering continued.

Toph groaned. “Go to sleep, Snoozles.”

“I was just thinking – if the other nations found out the Fire Lord was sleeping with the Avatar, then they’d really accuse Aang of being biased.”

There was a moment of silence while their tired brains processed that outrageous comment. Then Aang yelped and flushed all the way to his arrow, falling out of bed with a loud thud.

“Sokka!” Katara shrieked, whipping around and snatching the one pillow Zuko had managed to keep for himself out from under his head, then began to beat her brother with it. Suki joined in just for fun. Toph hooted with laughter and nudged Zuko slyly with her pointy elbow.

Zuko buried his face in his hands and hid beneath his covers. The racket could probably be heard all over the palace, and no doubt tomorrow everyone would know that the Avatar, the children of the Southern Chief, the leader of the Kiyoshi Warriors, and the world’s greatest earthbender had all spent the night in the Fire Lord’s bedroom.

...

Again.

Oh no.

Zuko really was going to be accused of seducing them, wasn’t he?

#Team Avatar basically runs the Fire Nation together #Zuko is a great Fire Lord #The Dai Li are now Toph’s minions. Beware!#OTP is Team Avatar #True friendship #politics #avatar the last airbender #avatar fanfiction #fire lord zuko

10 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Avatar the Last Airbender Fanfic rec

A short crack comedy where Team Avatar are gods and demigods, where Zuko and Toph rule the underworld as king and queen.

“You didn’t walk into hell for me, you came down here to avoid your mother!”

“I’m a proactive problem solver!”

“She cursed the world into eternal winter and almost killed half of the living population!”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem.”

“It was literally an ‘everyone’ problem, plus your mother tried to kill me-”

“- because you suck at communicating the fact that you haven’t maliciously kidnapped people’s daughters!”

“You’re the one who told her we were in love!”

“Okay, I’ll take the blame on that one,” Toph conceded. “But it was totally worth it to fuck with her.”

“But you’re married,” Katara blurted out before she could stop herself.

The gods turned back to them with a jolt like they’d forgotten they had an audience.

“For tax reasons,” Zuko said, like that in any way made sense.

Sokka spluttered. “You’re a god! And a king! Why are you paying taxes? Who do you even pay taxes to?”

#Zuko and Toph ruling the underworld #they married for tax reasons #and so Toph could get away from her mother #comedy #crack fic #avatar the last airbender #toph beifong #prince zuko

9 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Naruto Fanfic Recs

I'm not normally a fan of Sasuke fics, but this is the best Sasuke-centric story ever written. It's got an epic plot and Sasuke has gotten over his angst phase, which always helps. Also known as Sasuke and Tobi vs Akatsuki. You know it's gonna be an epic disaster 🤣

Summary: Following the events of Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke never makes it to Orochimaru's hideout. Instead, he is waylaid by a one-eyed man named Tobi, a man possessing a Sharingan, a terrifying dual personality, a penchant for always being late, and a single-minded mission to stop the Akatsuki in their tracks. When Sasuke runs into Naruto again years later, he must ally with his old teammate in order to protect him from the Akatsuki, while keeping him out of the two man war Tobi and Sasuke have started against the dangerous organization.

Preview:

“Uchiha Sasuke was sighted doing what now!?” Sasuke does not screech. He doesn’t. But if his voice is just a bit higher pitched than usual, well, it is understandable.

Tobi’s looking over his shoulder the next moment, humming annoyingly as he quotes the report “‘raiding a feudal lord’s castle, bearing the flag of Otogakure, demanding a protection payment in the name of Orochimaru’.” Tobi pauses briefly, scanning further down the paper as if he hadn’t seen it yet. “ Oh , it looks like you burnt down the guy’s castle. I like it, Sasuke-chan. Nothing could scream Uchiha more than fireballs.”

Sasuke sputters. “I didn’t do this! I’ve been stuck in the forest with you for four months.”

Tobi taps the report, sounding frustratingly sincere in his skepticism. “But Sasuke-chan, this says you’re Orochimaru-sama’s errand boy now.”

“They’re idiots then. Someone starts throwing fire around and they just assume it’s me?”

“Well, fire is quite the Uchiha trait. As far as Konoha is aware, Orochimaru is in possession of an Uchiha, and there’s not a very large pool of them anymore. They’re connecting dots at this point.”

Sasuke grumbles. “Well, they’re doing it wrong.”

“Oooh, Sasuke-chan’s upset,” Tobi calls out in a singsong voice.

“ Stop calling me that! ” Sasuke snaps, a kunai flying towards Tobi before he even registers it leaving his hand.

Tobi screeches, throwing himself dramatically to the side to avoid the kunai and landing on his ass. The kunai lodges into a nearby stall, and Tobi spends several long seconds staring at it before turning his head slowly towards Sasuke. Sasuke takes a step back, unable to read the expression hidden in the man’s eye, and lets his hand drift down to hover over his kunai pouch.

“That was a very half-assed attempt,” Tobi says finally, sounding slightly surprised. “Usually there’s at least a fireball or Chidori in there somewhere.”

Sasuke blinks and, bit by bit, allows himself to relax. “I guess it’s just habit at this point.”

Tobi laughs, far too breathy to be classified under his regular giggle. “I’m touched.” He stands, dusting himself off with far more attention than is truly necessary. “Anyway, the point is, as far as the world is concerned, Uchiha Sasuke is currently lackey number one for Orochimaru.”

Frowning, Sasuke stares down at the scroll still held tightly in his hand. “That’s bad, isn’t it?”

Tobi doesn’t reply, so Sasuke looks up to try and read him.

“You said the only way this works is with anonymity. That we can’t afford to have villages sticking their noses where they don’t belong.” Sasuke gestures at the scroll, his gut heavy with something he doesn’t want to acknowledge as dread. “This is the exact opposite of anonymity.”

Tobi is watching him, his eye fixed on Sasuke’s every movement as if he is staring into Sasuke’s soul. He doesn’t reply immediately, doesn’t move beyond the brief flickers of his Sharingan analyzing Sasuke’s every twitch.

Whatever he sees, it must be good enough.

“No, Sasuke,” Tobi says, his voice a serious baritone rather than the high-pitched insanity he pitches whenever they’re in public. “This is anonymity at its finest.” He turns, heads towards the edge of town, pointed east. Over his shoulder, he tosses out, “After all, if they’re expecting you to be burning down villages, they won’t be looking for you to be hunting missing-nin.”

Sasuke, stunned for a brief moment, has to trot to catch up, falling into step with the man before belatedly shoving his hands into his pockets in an attempt to appear less eager.

Making sure to pitch his voice as disinterested as possible, Sasuke asks, “Where are we going then?”

Though he can’t see it, Sasuke is convinced that Tobi is wearing a shark’s grin under his mask. “Ever wanted to be ANBU, Sasuke-chan?”

Confused, Sasuke doesn’t reply.

The lack of a reply doesn’t throw Tobi off for a single moment. He throws his hands in the air, waving ecstatically. “We should get Orochimaru-sama flowers for being such a great help, ne, Sasuke-chan?”

A hand settles on Sasuke’s head, and he barely manages to restrain a flinch. “Don’t worry, kid.” Something dark seems to settle over him, and with the dry air of dark humor that Sasuke is learning is an integral part to him, Tobi adds casually, “After all, the only cover better than this is being dead.”

#naruto fanfiction #fanfic rec #sasuke centric #sasuke #obito #akatsuki

21 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Naruto Fanfic Recs

One of the funniest Itachi stories ever, wherein a series of comical accidents makes him seem like a genius when he really isn't, and now he's stuck dealing with the consequences.

Summary: Itachi isn't the man everyone thinks he is. He's not brave. He's not a hero. He's not a martyr. He's not even strong. He's just been in the wrong place at the right time for years.

Preview:

“I don’t even know what Father means by the Eye Of Hypnotism,” Itachi lamented one afternoon, watching Shisui dance around the training area, kunai flying gracefully from his fingers occasionally crashing into equally well thrown shuriken to ricochet into hidden targets. “It’s part of how the Sharingan forms genjutsu,” Shisui explained, “Have you made any progress with genjutsu?”

“No, but I am fairly convinced Father is having a psychotic break.” Itachi sighed, “He thinks I’m forming some kind of illusion where death thrums in the ears of those affected. I didn’t realise he was able to hear how loud my heart was beating.”

Shisui laughed. “That's bonkers. Ooh! We should give it a name!”

“What? No! I need to come out with the truth!”

“How does ‘Death Call' sound? Or ‘The Itachi Engine'?”

“Shisui! Be serious!”

#hilarious #crack fic #itachi #naruto fanfiction #comedy #fanfic rec

11 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Naruto Fanfic Recs

If you've read Dreaming of Sunshine, this is a hilarious crack-fic of Team 7 in the past and everyone stuck in Kakashi's body. It's ridiculously funny.

Preview:

"So," Shikako started, "priorities. We need to decide what to do from here."

Naruto raised his hand, like he was back in the Academy and making Iruka's day by following a rule for once. "I vote we go to Konoha."

"Idiot. We can't go to Konoha," Sasuke snapped and tried to put his hand back down.

"Why not?!" Naruto snapped back and tried to put his hand back up. There was a brief scuffle as the two fought, Kakashi's right hand jerking up and down in the air before Shikako intervened. "We really shouldn't. What are we even going to say to them? Nobody's going to believe us."

"Why wouldn't they? Hokage-jiji would totally listen to us!"

"Is he even Hokage right now? And even if he is, did you forget about fucking Danzo right next to him?"

"Ewww, you bastard!"

"Why are you-, shut up you stupid idiot! You know I didn't mean it like-"

"How about," Kakashi interrupted, drier than a desert during drought, "we stop talking out loud, for one?"

The two boys fell silent, suddenly very aware of the way people were staring at them inside the food stand. The poor owner who'd been standing to the far side of her own shop cautiously approached them. "Y-your miso ramen, sir. The rest will be out shortly." She scuttled away as soon as the bowl was put down.

#dreaming of sunshine #crack fic #time travel #naruto fanfiction #fanfic rec #hilarious

40 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Naruto Fanfic Recs

A great crack OC/SI-insert. I just wish there was more!

Summary:

Being somehow reincarnated into a world you previously thought was fictional and is filled with bullshit ninja magic killers isn't fun. It is even less fun to find out that any foreknowledge you may have been able to use to your advantage is pretty much as useless as your ability to quote pop culture references like a champ.

Preview:

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, and very, very far away, I did not have to deal with this shit. This kind of language may shock you, but while I look like an adorable eight year old, in actuality I have almost twenty eight years of experience and the temperament of a crotchety old man. If I had a lawn – oh man you can bet no one would be stepping on it.

I raise a darkly tanned hand to the sunlight and sigh, blowing a wisp of blue hair out of my face. I had initially been overjoyed upon realizing that I had maintained a relatively similar skin tone to my original body. My curly hair also returned for a second round. But, of course, I cannot have nice things.

I may be in an anime, but my hair color is just ridiculous. I have blue hair. When I say blue, I mean blindingly bright HEY I’M RIGHT HERE CAN YOU SEE ME I will burn out your eyes aqua blue. Not even the nice shade of blue main characters get. It is pretty awful. And with this whole ninja gig it’s probably gonna get me killed.

Oh, yes. Ninjas.

Lucky me, I was reborn in the Narutoverse. Apparently. Huzzah.

Honestly, this was not a hit my already waning sanity could really afford. Not only was I pushed on into reincarnation instead of facing the pearly gates, but I found out I was spit out into a supposedly fictional world.

I mean, after a couple months of my baby self drooling all over myself, I could kinda get over it. The whole “reincarnation” thing. Well, as long as I never think about my family, all my friends-

-painpainwhyaretheygonecomeback-

-Yeah. As in, can’t think about that at all. Ever.

…Hm, where were we?

Ah, yes. Basically, I can get over the whole “reincarnated” part. Not so much the whole “living in a military state that fully endorses the use of child soldiers and freedom is a thing of the past” part. I am an American. I was practically suckled on the sweet nectar of freedom.

(I may no longer take myself or life in general seriously. If you hadn’t guessed.)

One must also consider the blazingly ridiculous things that happen to this world. I could only stomach so much bunny goddess before I was out. Like, how would I even go about fighting half of these things without OP to the max abilities? Well I’m not planning on it, so I suppose it’s a moot point.

To put this in perspective, while it has some relative good points, I really dislike most of the Leaf’s dictatorship, freedom sucking, shove-you-full-of-propaganda self. My life is in ruin.

I sigh again and gaze at my elevated hand, “Poor Yorick. Alas, alas.”

Hm. What was the rest of that quote?

I hear a sigh, “Miki-kun, please stop interrupting class.”

I look up and see Iruka-sensei staring at me, his gaze slightly pained. His hand is frozen half-way in his now habitual motion of massaging the bridge of his nose. Ah, that poor man. He is some of most fun I have in this life. I can’t help but feel a bit bad though. The only other kid that gets his blood pressure this worked up in Naruto.

Even then he tends to resort straight to yelling with that one. I can tell he doesn’t know how to deal with me. I’m too out of the norm from what he’s used to. My personality, or mostly my seeming babbling words, tends to put most people off kilter. I don’t make many friends this way. But I also tend to be able to do whatever the hell I want without much censure. Are you going to talk sense into crazy?

I blink guilelessly, my arm still posed in the air, seeming to be ignorant to the stares of the whole class. The kid next to me slowly scoots away. I say, “Ah, sensei, I am very sorry. I’m sure no one could concentrate, that having been such a half hearted recital. Perhaps again…”

I sit up straight as if to project my words, but only get out an “Ala-” (ah, now that I think of it, “Alas” goes first, right?) before being cut off.

“NO, no, that’s just- fine. Miki-kun. Please keep further comments in your head unless they are related to class.”

The rest of the class laughs as I bob my head complacently. I consider the pros of telling him why the works of Shakespeare are relevant to all matters of life, but decide not to push him. Iruka-sensei is a good guy all things considered. I don’t like to mess with him too much.

Too much.

He goes on to lecture about whatever this class is on. I think I’m in history. It would be super interesting if the amount of propaganda being shoved down my throat didn’t make me want to choke. Like, this is North Korea level of censorship right here. I’m kinda surprised we don’t pray to the first Hokage, given how much he’s propped up in our books. To the point he is literally called the god of shinobi. Then again, I guess the appointment of real Ninja God goes to the Sage.

I mean, it’s not that I think all the facts in this damn book are straight wrong. If Konoha wins (we always win), it’s recorded as a win. If we lose (Konoha has a history of very few tactical retreats), we lose. This happened then. These institutions were established here. The spin they put on everything is what makes me dizzy.

“The honorable first Hokage singlehandedly brought the entire world of shinobi out of the dark ages. He established Konoha and brought prosperity to the land, making a safe haven for all of her citizens. Now it is your turn to uphold the First’s Will of Fire and keep Konoha safe for the generations to come. Blah, blah, blah.”

Come on, the textbooks tell you to do things. This is not even trying to look like unbiased learning. It hurts us.

Most of the cultural and historical stuff goes like this in every book available to civilians and academy students. I can’t vouch for stuff available to ninja level, but it’s overall disappointing. Having been an International Studies major, cultural stuff is kinda what I do. Did. Whatever.

I can piece stuff together from what I knew previously and what I can get wading through politically charged texts, but it’s not easy going. If I had been a Clan Kid I may have been able to get my dirty paws on some choice info, but no such luck. You’re looking at an Oliver Twist. Olivia Twist? I still can’t quite grasp the state of gender equality here. Kunoichi are generally badass, but a significantly less amount fill out the forces. In fact-

I’m ripped from my musings by the ring of the bell. The kids quickly fling themselves from their seats and run to the door, ignoring whatever Iruka is trying to yell over them. The kid next to me seems particularly eager. I casually take a look at my hand and see that I had accidentally been carving pieces of wood from my desk. Again. Oops. Time to go before sensei notices.

I push my hands against my mutilated desk and attempt to casually mosey my way to the door. I skip down the steps, not trying particularly hard to avoid the stragglers. I take a glance at Iruka out of the corner of my eye. My inattention causes me to bump into someone. Red fills my sight.

Small hands quickly push me away, causing me to stumble. Bright blue eyes glare into my brown ones, and a sharp tooth scowl fills my vision. “Hey, watch where you’re going!” Uzumaki Naruto growls at me, his spiky red hair disheveled.

Ah yes, did I forget to mention that Naruto has red hair and the plot is shot to hell and back?

Silly me.

#self insert #comedy #naruto fanfiction #fanfic rec #crack fic #crack taken seriously

4 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Naruto Fanfic Recs

An amazing OC-insert that needs more love. The characterisation is great, and I'm really looking forward to seeing where the author will take us!

Summary: Itachi and Kisame pick up a strange boy from a primitive tribe who accidentally transported himself to the elemental nations... from another universe. These guys may call themselves ninja, but Mirya's pretty sure they're ultra badass gods, whom he has happily apprenticed himself to.

Preview:

The lonely crossroad inn is peaceful beneath the paling stars, the air cool and damp but holding the promise of another hot day once the sun rises. Itachi hesitates, staring up at the one lit window on the second floor. He’s trying to figure out why Kisame isn’t alone.

There’s a second person there, on the opposite side of the room from Kisame, both of them holding still. The Sharingan can’t see chakra through walls very well; all he can tell of this second signature is that it’s child-sized and quiescent. That doesn’t guarantee it’s not a threat. He knows, much better than he wants to, how young killers can be. But considering Kisame’s love of battle, he supposes if there was going to be a fight it would already have happened. Try as he might, he can’t think of any reason why Kisame would’ve picked up a child. It’s too soon to collect jinchuuriki. Kisame isn’t the charitable type, nor is he a pervert. They haven’t taken any kidnapping missions. They’re not recruiting at the moment, not that he knows of. What can this possibly be about?

While paranoia has always served him well, at this point he’s just getting eaten by mosquitoes for no reason. He leaps lightly to the narrow balcony and slips in the window.

His first glance tells him Kisame is genuinely relaxed, lounging at the low table with a nail clipper and a bottle of umeshu, so he can take his time studying the other person in the room: a skinny red-haired boy sprawled starfish-like on a futon, covers shoved aside and pillow soaked in drool, wearing nothing but — “Is that my underwear?”

“Well, mine would be too big,” Kisame says reasonably. “No need to whisper, he’s dead to the world.”

“Mine should be too big as well.” He’s fourteen, not… whatever this boy is, eight or nine.

“Safety pins.”

“Why do you have my underwear? What happened to his?” It’s a silly thing to get stuck on, but he can’t seem to let it go. His relationship with Kisame is not one that admits to underwear. There’s a professional distance. This is outside his comfort zone.

“It was in my laundry, no idea how long it’s been there. Have you eaten? I saved you nimono and a couple rice balls.”

Itachi doesn’t sigh, because he isn’t expressive like that, but the impression is there in the slow way he turns to the table. Still, he’s not angry, only confused, and Kisame is the most tolerable of his new colleagues. “Thank you, Kisame-san,” he says politely, and doesn’t speak again until he’s finished the cold stewed vegetables and rice. Kisame returns to his manicure, trimming rough callus and hangnails that might catch on clothing or be a distraction, touching up the lacquer. When he finishes eating, Itachi takes the bottle of remover and gets to scrubbing off the chipped black stuff he has on. “May I borrow your lacquer? I’ve run out of mine.”

“Are you sure you want to match?” the swordsman rumbles with gentle humor. “What if the other missing-nin make fun of us?” Itachi’s flat look only makes his smile wider, but he hands over the bottle of purple.

When he first joined Akatsuki, Itachi thought the nail polish part of the uniform was rather silly, but it actually does help keep his nails from peeling or splitting after exposure to harsh weather, fire jutsu, and so on. Even Konan can’t make him care what color he uses, though.

After fifteen minutes of silence, Kisame finally gets tired of waiting for him to ask, and says, “He walked up to me in the road and asked if I’m a god. He thinks he’s dead and this is the afterlife.”

“Why is he in our room?” That’s the thing that most needs explanation, in Itachi’s opinion.

Kisame ignores that. “Wait until you see what he was wearing. As far as I can gather — which isn’t very far, because he was drugged out of his tiny mind — his clan decked him in gold and drowned him in a bog. He was supposed to ask the gods to save them. He’s declared himself my servant in exchange for sending them good fishing.”

“Kisame.”

“If I hadn’t let Samehada have a snack, his chakra would be announcing us to the world right now. He’s got tons of it and no control at all. Didn’t seem to understand what I was talking about when I mentioned it, and his calluses look like boat work, not weapons, so I’m guessing he was raised civilian. He must have pulled some kind of instinctive teleportation jutsu on the verge of death.”

“Kisame, are you saying a civilian child invented something like Senju Tobirama’s Hiraishin while drowning?”

“Why not? Red hair, blue eyes, outrageous chakra, sealing tattoos, comes from a lost clan starving by the sea somewhere? I honestly think ‘ignorant remnant of the Uzu diaspora instinctively teleports somewhere warm’ is more likely than — I don’t even know — someone dunking a kid in ice water and shoving him at us for kicks.” He finally turns to Itachi. Looks him in the eye, unafraid of the Sharingan, which Itachi has always appreciated. “He was hypothermic. Do you know how hot it was today?”

“I’m wearing the same thing you are,” Itachi says dryly.

“Exactly. He was wearing a fur coat, fur-lined boots, and thick wool clothes. Samehada says his chakra tastes like whale. They eat whale in Snow Country, don’t they?”

Itachi studies the boy again. Pale as paper, and thin in a way that says famine rather than growth spurt. There are blue-green geometric shapes tattooed around his bony wrists, and a series of dots, spaced in triangles, on top of one foot. It obviously means something, but the pattern is completely alien. Itachi supposes they could be primitive seals. Sections of his hair are kinked as if they were recently in braids. Itachi blinks at Kisame. “Did you brush his hair?”

Kisame shrugs. “Kid fell asleep in the bath,” he says, as if that’s an explanation.

Itachi is beginning to suspect that Hoshigaki ‘Sharks Eat Each Other In The Womb’ Kisame is not as heartless as he claims to be. Although maybe he just likes being called a god.

#self insert #comedic #original character #kisame #itachi #comedy #naruto fanfiction #fanfic rec

8 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Naruto Fanfic Recs

A short read starring Tobirama and his ridiculously adorable jigglypuff. It has both funny and heartwarming scenes.

Summary: When Tobirama was 14, he attempted to summon the dead. Unfortunately, he failed, and summoned a Jigglypuff instead.

Preview:

Hashirama practically skipped to his bed and sat down next to the Jigglypuff, which was still fast asleep. His grin had yet to fade, and he reached out to poke it. “Brother,” he whispered, “what is it?”

“A Jigglypuff.”

“... What’s a Jigglypuff?”

“I’m unsure. I created it accidentally, and I now hold a summoning contract with it.”

Hashirama snorted so loudly that Tobirama put down his brush and turned to face him. He raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest. “What?”

“You accidentally created a new being, and named it ‘Jigglypuff.’ I worry for the day you become a father.”

Tobirama frowned. “It was an informed decision.”

Hashirama snorted again. He slowly picked up Jigglypuff and drew its sleeping figure close to his face. “It's adorable!”

His voice woke up the Jigglypuff. Its wide eyes slowly opened and focused on Hashirama’s face. It let out a squeaky shout. “Puff! Jiggly!”

Hashirama let out another shout of joy. Tobirama sighed and turned his chair around to focus back on his work.

#crack taken seriously #naruto fanfiction #tobirama #jigglypuff #pokemon #short story #fanfic rec

13 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Naruto Fanfic Recs

One of the funniest fics I'm currently into, it definitely deserves more recognition! It's a comedy starring Sakura, Deidara, Kisame, and Hidan in an alternate universe where none of them defected and they get thrown together in bizarre situations. Trapped in a cabin while drunk, stuck in a cave with a pregnant shark, sent to each other's villages as envoys... It's hilarious. Please check it out!

Preview:

It had been almost two years since the cabin and they were still running into each other. He shouldn't be surprised they were getting to know him.

"So how come you're not competing either?" Hidan asked as the clan head plopped down on the other end of the couch and threw one arm over the back as he kicked his feet up on the resin coffee table made to look like a deep sea abyss. "You're all about the scuffle and tussle life, and no way you'd turn down a chance to kick someone's ass."

"And then what?" Kisame sighed. Navy hair smushed against the cushions. "Like you said, I'd rather not showcase myself in front of anyone out there. Other Swordsmen are fighting, and what've I got to prove?"

"If you can KO a bitch with your arms crossed."

"I did that a couple years ago."

"... God, what's it like being the hottest motherfucker on this island?"

"The worst. The proposals are getting out of hand." Kisame clicked his tongue and took another swig, making sure he got a couple coconut cubes for his troubles. "Last week a family offered me their entire kiwi orchard if I married their eldest daughter."

Hidan snorted, sputtering up some of the water he tried to drink while still lying down.

"And, okay, she was perfectly decent and everything, but they gifted me sixteen kiwi baskets before I could tell them no, and even after that they wouldn't take it back. It's just been kiwi after that—kiwi smoothies, kiwi bread, kiwi popsicles, fruit salad with guess what? God. Damn. Kiwi." He massaged his forehead. "I'm not letting free stuff go to waste and the rest of the Swordsmen won't help me because they barely eat the food group despite all our surnames somehow ending up as derivatives of fruit names. Fruit names, and they won't eat my kiwi!"

Magenta eyes watered and didn't even try to hide how much they were enjoying this. "Wait, so all that baked shit over there—"

"If I eat another kiwi, and I cannot emphasize this enough, I will reject all earthly possessions to go and live as a shark man in the ocean."

Cackles burst out from Hidan's mouth. "You want help with your stash?"

"I would love you forever if you did."

One last cackle and Hidan hefted himself to his feet to knock a fist against Kisame's arm and ambled towards the closest counter space.

#comedic #crack fic #naruto fanfiction #comedy #sakura haruno #kisame #deidara #fanfic rec

9 notes · View notes

blackbird0blog · 1 year

Text

Uchiha Madara’s Guide to Defending Your Chastity

Madara doesn’t know where this absolute maniac came from, but he had quickly established himself as the most frightening thing to walk the land.

It isn't the man’s bowl cut – which made Hashirama’s boyhood hairstyle look fashionable – that's so terrible. Nor is it his green leotard and legwarmer combo – a look that should be banned from all corners of the world – that makes Madara so wary. And yes, his eyebrows are a bit alarming, but he's dealt with worse things before.

No, that would all ordinarily be fine; Madara’s ignored many people dressed strangely before, and while Gai’s style certainly takes the cake, he could ignore him too.

And he would – if only the man would stop stalking him wherever he goes, popping up when you least except him to like an overly persistent rash, yelling out how one day, he Maito Gai, Konoha’s Sublime Green Beast of Prey, will marry Uchiha Madara - and together they will live out the Springtime of their Youths for the rest of their years!!

Madara doesn’t know from which layer of hell Gai crawled out of, but he would give his very soul to just make him stop.

Hashirama finds Gai’s persistent proposals romantic because of course he does; Hashirama is as big a freak as this guy and why couldn’t he be the one to deal with all of this shit? Why is Madara friends with him in the first place?

Why is this happening to him, just – why?

…

Madara can’t even beat him up to make him leave, because whatever else Gai is, he’s also the most incredible taijutsu expert Madara has ever met, and is unbelievably adept at fighting sharingan users.

The one time he tries, it only makes the man even more enthusiastic, and the subsequent spiel about his youthful vigour and coming at him with such flaming passion had caused Madara to flee back to the Uchiha compound, not emerging for an entire week.

He spends that time looking up old mission records for any mentions of the madman, because Madara would swear it was as if Gai had spent years creating a style to counter the sharingan.

But his search comes up empty – none of the clan have ever seen him and Maito Gai is unforgettable, even without the photographic memory granted to them by their doujutsu.

(Unless… unless they had encountered him and never had the guts to admit they’d been beaten by a man screaming about enjoying the springtime of his youth at the top of his lungs.

If so, Madara will find out and when he does, his revenge will be legendary.)

Madara tries fobbing him off on Hashirama –

“Hashirama is indeed most youthful! But I would never try to interfere with the beautiful love he shares with Mito-san!”

– and even Tobirama –

Gai pauses just long enough to raise his hopes.

“Tobirama is incredibly hip and cool, but he is far too similar to my eternal rival Kakashi, who is my best friend!

"So have no fear, Madara,” Gai beams, blinding white teeth shining and the sun gleaming off his bowl cut. “My heart is as steadfast as my muscles!”

And he then flexes, his skin-tight bodysuit turning the innocent movement obscene. Madara chokes and has to avert his eyes.

“Destiny has brought us together; I am yours for life!”

- to no avail.

The worst part of it all is he can’t even run away – him, Uchiha Madara – since the man is a stamina freak of never-before-seen proportions.

Instead, he must suffer his presence. Every. Single. Day.

“Yosh! Madara! Today I will get you to go on a date with me or else I will build a hundred houses for the Uchiha clan!”

“Madara! Let us get to know one another and bask in the shared strength of our passion!”

“Today I will get Madara to acknowledge my feelings with the burning, all-consuming power of YOUTH!”

This is how Madara is awoken, at dawn, to the deafening bellows of Maito Gai’s daily proposals.

Madara valiantly holds out a week before snapping.

He tries to bludgeon the other man to death with his giant war fan, to which Gai promptly rejoices, blocking his blows with the nunchucks he’s pulled out of nowhere, face nearly splitting from the force of his grin.

Madara releases a Great Fire Annihilation jutsu, enormous clouds of destruction sweeping over the landscape, and Gai dodges it all with a shouted: “SPLENDID!”

He summons the kyuubi – the greatest of the bijuu, a demon filled with all the world’s hatred – and tries to flatten him. The green-clad taijutsu master beams as if he’s met an old friend, and proceeds to do… something, spontaneously combusting on the spot.

Madara honestly believes in that moment that Gai’s body hadn’t been able to contain his Gai-ness and simply gave out.

It is not to be, and the man runs literal rings around them, cheerfully dodging bijuudama and scolding the twelve-story fox as if it’s a child throwing a tantrum. Madara doesn’t know who gained more trauma in that fight; him, or the kyuubi.

They wind up destroying the entire forest on the village’s northern side, as well as creating a new valley several miles from the settlement.

The fight ends with Madara having exhausted his considerable chakra reserves, and Gai - looking sooty and drenched in sweat - but infuriatingly, impossibly still alive.

He even has the temerity to look ecstatic, beaming like the fool Madara knows he’s not. At this point, the Uchiha is convinced he had burned down his home, killed Gai’s family and friends, then proceeded to sit atop the ruins, smirking at him.

This is all an extremely sadistic method of revenge; it must be.

When a collection of Konoha shinobi inevitably arrive to see why new maps will have to be drawn, Gai beams at Hashirama, bright and blinding and so cheerful it fills Madara with existential dread.

“Madara is one of the most youthful shinobi I have ever met! The sweat dripping from our brows, the movement of our bodies against one another, the burn in our lungs – MADARA AND I HAVE BEEN ENJOYING OUR SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH TO THE FULLEST!” Gai roars. Loudly.

Madara chokes on air and his face flushes straight past red and into purple.

“You – don’t say it like that you bastard!” Madara splutters, and gods he can feel his ears burning.

This… this shameless filthy liar is insinuating things about them.

Hashirama looks absolutely thrilled and is one step away from sobbing gross, happy tears all over him. Mito looks like all her dreams have come true and gazes upon Gai like he is the gift that keeps on giving. Tobirama is utterly gobsmacked, and any other time Madara would have gleefully savoured the expression on the Senju’s face.

But all he can feel – beyond the exhaustion in his muscles and the humiliation from the stares – is a sinking feeling of complete and utter dismay.

He knows in his bones that this is not the end.

Madara has never once wished more fiercely that he wasn’t terrible at earth jutsu, just so he could command the ground to rise up and swallow him whole.

When Maito Gai finds himself back in the Warring States Era, it’s easy to decide that he’s going to save the world. It’s a bit harder to decide how he’s going to do this, but Gai will figure it out. The Uchiha have always suffered from the Curse of Hatred, so logically, Love should cancel it out, right?

In which Gai seduces Madara with the power of youth, inadvertently raunchy proposals, and his gorgeous, blinding grin.

This is part of The Ultimate Guide to Surviving Shinobi Life series.

#Madara has Issues #Most of them are called Gai #The Madara/Gai story you need in your life #humour #crack fic #time travel #naruto fanfiction #naruto #fanfic writing #fanfiction #fanfic

9 notes · View notes