Tumpik
badjokesbyjeff · 6 hours ago
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A man applies for a job at the circus
“What can you do?” asks the owner
“Really good bird impressions”
“Sorry we’ve got someone who can do those already”
“Oh well” said the man sadly, as he flew out of the tent.
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badjokesbyjeff · 20 hours ago
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Jeez, it's been raining by us for 3 days now, and all my mother in law can do is stare through the window...
If it goes on like this, I'd probably have to let her in.
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badjokesbyjeff · 22 hours ago
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I was shocked today when my wife told me that my son wasn’t really mine
I have GOT to pay more attention when I pick him up from school
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badjokesbyjeff · 23 hours ago
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I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
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badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
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What is your worst joke tho?
*looks in a mirror* *points at mirror* *laughs*
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badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
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A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...
The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"
The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have Wi-Fi."
The driver of the Kia says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Kia!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Kia says, "That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Kia!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Yes, I have a television, a Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Kia says, "That's a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away. He went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up his car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So, the driver of the Rolls drove around all day looking for the Kia...
Finally, late that night, he finds the Kia parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls gets out of his car and knocks on the Kia’s window. At first there is no answer, then the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls said arrogantly.
The driver of the Kia says... "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
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badjokesbyjeff · a day ago
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What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?
The Detroit Lions.
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badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
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Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship
“It’s a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind,” says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
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badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
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I am convinced the only reason people work for SpaceX is to make this prophecy a reality
Elon Musk lands on Mars and steps out of his spaceship
“It’s a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind,” says ground control officer and cuts off all communications.
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badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
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there is something so darkly comical about tumblr potentially outliving twitter
tumblr, which is held together with duct tape and madness, run by three raccoons in blood stained Yahoo! hats and a handful of crabs, its only discernible source of income the sale of shoelaces from an inside joke so inside no one knows the original source anymore and fake blue checkmarks... that website still lives on
truly the cockroach of social media and I love it for that
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badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
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If all dogs go to heaven, where do cats go?
Purrrgatory
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badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
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Yo momma so fat, I pictured her in my head
And she broke my neck.
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badjokesbyjeff · 2 days ago
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A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.
She says, "I want to be young again."
*poof*
She's young again.
"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."
*poof*
She's now living in a beautiful mansion.
"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"
*poof*
Her cat is now a handsome young man.
"Oh cat, all my fantasies have come true! Take me in your arms, take me upstairs and make mad, passionate love to me!"
The cat says, "Oh darlin', you should've thought about that a long time ago, before you had me fixed."
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badjokesbyjeff · 3 days ago
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Three months ago I pitched an idea for a party game. Today, ‘WHAT THE PLOT?!™’ is a real game and available for pre-order! I am so excited. Thank you everyone for your support!
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badjokesbyjeff · 3 days ago
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A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.
The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.
"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.
"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."
"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."
So the man does a few chores around the farm and earns his meal. At dinner, he says to the farmer, "I know you don't believe me, but I actually do communicate with animals. I can prove it. I spoke to the hens, and they said you were there every morning before dawn to collect their eggs, and you've been doing so every day for years since your wife passed."
The farmer says, "Wow, that's exactly right!"
The man continues, "I spoke to your cow, and she said you've faithfully milked her every day before dawn, and you've been doing so every day for years since your wife passed."
The farmer says, "I'm amazed. That's true."
The man says, "And I spoke to your sheep..."
"That sheep is a liar!"
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badjokesbyjeff · 3 days ago
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Little Johnny and his family ate at Grandma's on Sunday afternoon...
When everyone was at the table, Grandma started dishing up the food.
When Johnny received his plate of food, he immediately started eating.
"Johnny, please!!" said his mother. "Please wait until we've prayed!"
"I don't have to," he said immediately.
"Of course you have to!" answered his mother. "We always pray before we eat at home."
"Yeah, but that's at our house" explains Johnny. "This is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook."
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badjokesbyjeff · 3 days ago
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Sisters
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 15 mi.’
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign that says, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 8 mi’ and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying, 'Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right' his curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door saying, 'Sisters of Mercy'.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you, my son?’
'He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.
''Very well, my son. Please follow me.’
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.’
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He then trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another small sign.
The sign says ‘Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.’
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