Blind Date 

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, ?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They walked over to the weight guesser, and he guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale. It read 117, so she won a prize.

The couple then went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe asked again what Kim would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.

Since they had been there before, the weight guesser guessed her weight correctly, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

Joe decided that Kim was weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a hand shake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Three retired surgeons were bragging about their accomplishments.

One doctor bragged that he had a patient show up with 2 legs missing from a tractor accident. He fixed him all up and he became the greatest basketball player of all time.

The next doctor bragged that he had a shark bite patient who had his arms bitten off. He fixed him up and he became a superstar NFL quarterback.

The third doctor laughed at them and said “Oh yeah? Well one time I had a patient arrive after being in a catastrophic car accident. The only thing they were able to recover was his asshole and a bag of Cheetos. I sewed him back together and he went on to become the president of the United States!”

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A cowboy is captured by a native war party. 

As he is bound in the middle of the camp, the chief comes up to him and says "in this land, we grant prisoners of war three days before they are executed. Each day, the prisoner can make one request and we will decide if we honor the request or not. What is your first request?" The cowboy thinks for a minute and asks to speak to his horse. The chief grants his request the cowboy whispers something into his horse's ear. The horse gallops off and returns a couple hours later with a beautiful blonde on its back. The chief shakes his head muttering, 'white man.' He shows them to a teepee and leaves. The next day the chief comes to the cowboy and asks "what is your second request?"

"I'd like to speak with my horse please."

And so, the horse is shown to the cowboy, who whispers into its ear. The horse leaves, only to return with a curvaceous brunette. Again, the chief let's them use a teepee. "White man, can only think of one thing" he says. The third day arrives. The chief asks "What is your final request?" The cowboy, visibly frustrated, demands to see his horse again. He grabs the horse's ear and whispers harshly into it "Now listen here you stupid animal!! Posse!! Posse!!"

Once there was a farmer who was very protective of his three daughters. 

One day, the three daughters told the farmer that they were all going on a date. So, the farmer, being the protective father he was, grabbed his shotgun and walked outside. Suddenly, a car pulled in, and a man stepped out it. He went up to the farmer and said:

“Hello, my name is Freddy, I am here for Betty. We’re going for spaghetti. Is she ready?”

The farmer called for Betty, the first daughter, and she came. The man and Betty then got into the car and drove off. About 30 seconds later, the second car pulled in. Another man stepped out of it and went up to the farmer.

“Hello, my name is Joe. I am here for Flo. Is she good to go?”

The farmer called for Flo, the second daughter, and the man lead her into the car and then went inside the car as well. They drove off.

Another 30 seconds passed, and the third and final car pulled in. A man stepped out it and approached the farmer.

“Hello, my name is Chuck, I am here for-“ The farmer shot him.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. 

Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

What we have in mind for now are black dragons, with low density silver glitter, silver enamel, so that the pride flag pops)

A man wakes up in a hospital bed right next to his friend.

His friend says to him "We're currently drowning in debt because the doctors just cured your amnesia!"

The friend then asks the other friend "Oh no! How are we going to ever pay the bills now?"

The first friend then has an idea.

"I know! Give me 100 dollars and I'll buy a bat, then I'll hit you on the head with it and we can claim your insurance."

So the second friend gives the first friend 100 dollars and he leaves the room. After a while the first friend comes back with a bat and he hits his friend on the head.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed right next to his friend.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Johnny slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Johnny what's wrong.

"Well," replies Johnny, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Johnny, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Johnny, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my p-nis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Johnny, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Johnny slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

Vladimir Putin was visiting an elementary school in Russia. 

After Putin explained to the kids how Russia is the most glorious and best nation in the world, he asked if any of the children had any questions.

Suddenly, Aleksandr put his hand up.

“Yes?” Putin said, as he pointed at Aleksandr.

“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union and why are trying to take Crimea?” Aleksandr asked.

“Well, the correct reason we are invading Ukraine is…” before Putin could finish his sentence, the bell rang, and all the children rushed out the classroom to have lunch. However, the children were also confused, as the bell wasn’t supposed to go this early. The lunch break seemed much longer than usual to many children.

When the bell rang again and the children got back into the classroom, Putin and the teacher were waiting there.

“Any more questions?” Putin asked.

Damien shot his hand up almost immediately.

“Yes, Damien?” Putin said, pointing at Damien.

“Well, I have four questions.” Damien said.

“Go ahead and ask them.” Putin replied.

“Why do you want to reunite the Soviet Union? Why do you want to take Crimea? Why did the bell for lunch ring 20 minutes early? And where is Aleksandr?”

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?” 

“Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.” “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!” “Get yourself a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.” “Oh, okay!”

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. 

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

I finally found the jackass and honeycomb joke from GOT by Tyrion Lannister 

I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?" I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me." The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?" "Well," I answered, "my woman stumbled upon a genie in a bottle, and he granted her 3 wishes. The first was to have the nicest ass in the land, so he gave her this jackass. Her second wish was for a 'house fit for a queen', so he gave her this beehive." The Madame asked, "And what of the third wish?" "For her third wish, my woman asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee." "Well, that one's not so bad!" the Madame exclaimed. "'Not so bad!?', I replied, "I used to be 6 feet tall!"

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. 

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?" Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes." For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted. For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too. And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. 

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses. 

Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you too. The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. The man turns around and says, “Anyone know whose phone this is?"

A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches. 

"You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!"

"Really?"

"Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was if course much faster than me."

The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left."

"Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused.

"Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community."

"That's nice "

"Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."