internet ransom note where instead of magazine letters it’s just jpgs of letters found on google

Things I got bullied for today (thanks Valorant):

My voice, my gender, literally anything I said. The worst part was when 3 people I thought were nice invited me to play with them and interrogated me about "how my gender works" and my literal genitalia. I thought I made friends :((

Things that are good today:

Somebody called me hauntistic as a joke about me being autistic and my name being haunted on everything and it made me happy

I wasn't in too bad of pain the last half of the day just really fatigued

I 1v1d a really cool person on cod and he was really good but it was v fun even though I was panicking

I ate half of a grilled cheese!!

I learned a new word in Arabic the other day too and that was cool!!

People called me Azzy a lot and I've never really heard people using my name and it made me happy!!

(I also just realized I called it my name instead of my chosen name and that made me super happy too because it feels like I'm actually believing that it is my name and valid and stuff and I've never really felt that!!)

Things I hope for tomorrow:

Manageable pain, appetite, no headaches or less, good therapy session even though it's scary, and maybe I could play VRchat if I have the energy!! Would anyone wanna play?

You spend my entire childhood regularly punishing me for accidentally saying something wrong. Then, when I struggle to make friends, you say "talk to people".

You spend my entire childhood regularly punishing me in order to force me to follow rules that make no sense. Then, when I struggle to make friends, you say "just be yourself".

Autism culture is HATING reading aloud in English class because you read so much faster than you speak

.

I honestly have to start pulling the "look over there!" and removing myself from the bad brain space. Like, maybe if I try to trick myself into getting distracted I won't get so sad. I just wish I knew how to talk to other people. Gotta figure that one out otherwise I'm gonna be stuck here

But that shows you're strength. You got to 15. Then 18. Then 21. Then 24. That admirable. I understand wanting to do better and get better. I'm not doing great in that department either. But I think of it as the same advice I have about my body. If I can't get it better, let's get it to as close to functioning. Sometimes all you can do is be neutral with your situation and how you are. You'll find friends and relationships and you'll be happy. I can't say for now long or when or why. All I can say is that it will happen.

Thank you 🖤 I appreciate you a lot. Seriously. I have friends of multiple years shrugging when I say I'm finding it hard to keep going so it really means a lot that somebody in a similar boat can see me. I feel like I'm already under the waves and nobody is throwing any buoys :(

Thank you again. Try to get some sleep! I don't want to keep you up. I think I'll be okay I just gotta take baby steps and try some better things to redirect myself so I don't get stuck in this headspace. It's hard.

sweet dreams and try to sleep well (⁠｡⁠･⁠ω⁠･⁠｡⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠♡

Being strong is hard. And I'm proud of you for trying new things even if they don't work out. And...life can get tiring and all encompassing but, I'm sure you can look back 5 or 10 years and see how things you wanted now are in your life now. As silly as it is, these things take time and I'm sorry it feels impossible and it's tiring. I can't fix that but I can be here to support you and make sure you understand that there are people out there for you and you're gonna find them. I'm not asking you to believe in that. I'm asking you to believe in me who believes in that. I think that's fair, yeah?

I'm gonna try but I didn't even think I was gonna make it to 18, let alone 24 and then another 5 years seems just like an impossibility :( it's not fair that some people have good things and I can't even get my brain to do the things to try and get me better things :((

I'm sorry I shouldn't be complaining too much. I appreciate you and I'll try to be a bit hopeful or even just doing it out of spite I guess. I have a cat and I have a bed and I have stuffies and sometimes that's more than enough and I need it to be more important than my brain thinks giving up is

I'm about to sleep but before I do I wanted to tell you that. You're not disappointing or an inconvenience or anything negative. Even though life is lonely now, that is just more potential for a better tomorrow. Sometimes those things take time and I'm sorry you have to wait. But I can tell you that I love you and I'm happy I get to be blessed by your presence here. I hope you have a wonderful nite, friend. Feel free to message me if you'd like. I'll respond tomorrow.

Thank you 🖤 I appreciate it a lot. I'm trying really hard to be strong but I really have been trying for too long and I'm so tired. I'm afraid I can't do it, and I'm still trying but it feels impossible

I tried to make friends and it went bad. I was so hopeful it wouldn't go bad and now I just wish I never tried I don't want to try anymore it just hurts

tw for ideation

I just really fucking wish I had more of a reason to hang on. I'm so so so so so certain right now that I'm fucking awful to be around, most of my friends don't talk to me, I'm too stupid to realize when is a good time to talk or not. I'm too stupid to know what to say or how to. My stupid fucking body is all fucked up. My brain is all fucked up. All I have is my cat, a family that doesn't even like me, and a bunch of people that I am disappointing or failing, including myself. Im doing nothing with my fucking life. I have nothing to show for anything. Im still fucking stuck and I don't want to be here anymore. I'm tired of fucking crying myself to sleep. I'm tired of being so fucking alone. I'm so fucking tired and I can't see how anything can get better I'm wasting all of my fucking time and digging my own grave.

I wish I wasn't alone.

Neurotypical Person: "Just talk to people. Stop being afraid of rejection. The only way you'll fail is if you don't even try. Have some confidence."

Autistic Person: (asks whatever questions they can think of from a prepared list and the conversation ends up being awkward and forced)

Autistic Person: (infodumps about their special interest and gets labeled as annoying)

Autistic Person: (comments on something they observe and gets labeled as judgmental)

Autistic Person: (approaches random people in random places, not realizing that there are some places where people don't expect to be approached, and gets threatened)

Autistic Person: (talks to someone, misses a subtle cue that they want to be left alone, and gets labeled as disrespectful of boundaries)

Autistic Person: (tries to join someone's conversation and gets labeled as an eavesdropper)

Autistic Person: (teases someone as a joke because they've seen that that's how a lot of people interact with each other, not realizing that they don't have enough of a connection with this person to do that, and gets labeled as mean)

Autistic Person: (tries to talk to someone who's already talking to someone else and gets labeled as rude for interrupting, and waiting until they're alone to avoid interrupting isn't an option because that rarely ever happens)

Autistic Person: (approaches someone or faces in their general direction while trying to think of what to say to them, and gets labeled as a creep for hovering or staring)

Autistic Person: (talks to someone too often and gets labeled as clingy)

Autistic Person: (talks to someone, by some miracle it works and this person actually enjoys the conversation, but now they have to do it again and again and again, and they eventually run out of things to talk about or do something wrong)

Autistic Person: "I don't get it. I talked to people. I did exactly what I was told to do. And I didn't say anything sexual, anything gross, anything about death, or anything else that would be considered 'obvious'. But it didn't work. It can't be because I did something wrong, because I followed the advice exactly and so many people insisted that that's all I have to do. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I'm just unattractive."

When I was younger and researching the autism diagnosis criteria and symptoms, I thought “oh I couldn’t POSSIBLY be autistic.” Because when I read “takes everything literally” I thought it literally meant EVERYTHING and I was like “I don’t take EVERYTHING literally, just most things!” And I just realized the other day that it didn’t actually mean EVERYTHING and that was an overstatement.

turning off my feelings and playing Valorant.

feelings are dumb and they just hurt.

I'm trying really hard to not drive myself insane lmao

how do people recover from feeling like they annoy everyone? how can I stop tuning myself down for everyone? how can I stop feeling awful for just speaking and feeling like I've pushed that person away somehow? how do I care less? how do I feel less? my feelings are going to eat me alive, nothing can be tame or in moderation every feeling is big and I can't sit with it

Affirmations for when all seems lost.