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you’re going to get tired at 20
you’re going to want to give up
all the nights staying awake to write a damn paper about Freud or Socrates or Whatever His Damn Name Is it doens’t really matter
doing all this to chase nights where you’ll create memories that will last forever but really you can’t even remember them when you wake up
20 is yelling at your roommates to clean their dishes and also wishing you had the funds to eat meals like them
its being disappointed that you aren’t making friends as fast as freshman year but also cherishing the good ones you’ve found that haven’t left yet
reaching an all time high and the next day finding yourself at the loneliest place called rock bottom
but what they dont tell you about 20 is that realizing rock bottom can be a beautiful place too
because just when you are about give in to the pain of it all a beam of light shines into the abyss signaling that you won’t be there forever
you then become thankful that you’ve made the scary journey to the depths of your all time low
because the only place you can go from there is up and the contrast feels damn good
20 is finding the boy that finally treats you right after falling in love twice before and then realizing you aren’t ready for his love
why? why is he everything i want and need on paper but our compatibility is the kind of ink that is just meant to stay on paper and never leave that plane
its not about learning what love is and isnt meant for you but its realizing you havent gotten to know yourself enough to know whats best for you
20 is about romanticizing about building a house in the North East with that boy you let go of to make you more excited about the future
its about creating a happy distraction that will prevent you from returning to rock bottom
if only we could paint our bedroom Sage Green and cook lemon pasta in the kitchen together
20 is about realizing your role models aren’t as perfect as you want them to be
doing everything in your power to protect your inner child
its about compartmentalizing the trauma to pretend like everything is the same
my childhood was stable and my current life is too
then suddenly learning this lie was more damaging to my inner child more than anything and you just need to face the music
20 is about reminding yourself of the people in your past life that will always be there
and getting the horrible feeling that they are not who they used to be and you are left with nothing but your lonely self
but then remembering that your mind can lie to you and this is the worst betrayal you can experience
20 is learning to be patient
flipping that slow Grandma off driving in front of you wont get you there any faster
texting the wrong people impulsively because your emotional wont make your emotions any better the next day
but most importantly its about learning how to be patient with yourself
you dont need to rush to answer your phone, they can wait a few more minutes
you dont need to rush your healing process, life is right in front of you
20 is understanding empathy towards people around you
getting angry at your friend for not being there during your time of grief does not mean she doesn’t care
it means shes probably grieving in her own way too and she deserves more communication
be there for her the way you’d want other to be there for you too
she may need a rope to pull her up from rock bottom
20 is about academic and professional success
finally achieving straight As but forgetting you need to work even harder next time to do it again
its about landing an interview at your dream job and making it to the last round to get rejected
later accepting your second or third or fourth or maybe a choice that was never on your radar
but knowing it was a stepping stone to your next dream and woohoo we can put it on my resume
20 is about reconnecting with family after growing a part from them
having a moment of disbelief when your mom yells at your dad for absolutely nothing but maybe breathing at the wrong moment or getting whole milk instead of soy
and realizing that the bad traits your mom possess are the same ones that pushed away the boy you loved
its about finally understanding why she behaves the way she does
but more importantly not pushing negative generational habits onto those you care about because it is up to ourselves to break that pattern
20 is about not knowing when to get off social media
its about getting a suspicion that its one of the causes for your anxiety and insecurities
stalking your ex boyfriends one time hook up from freshman year wont make you feel any better
if she’s prettier than you’ll compare yourself and if she’s not then you’ll wonder why you’re with a guy that would go for a girl like her
either way you’ll end up questioning your own self worth
slowly swiping to the right on a Snapchat message that says “Hey what’s up?” and being disappointed when its not something more interesting
checking Snap Maps every three minutes won’t make them reply faster
20 is about the biological makeup of our bodies
checking your phone first thing in the morning will just create an unrealistic goal for your brain to reach that same rush of seratonin it feels
reading a book and even having a good conversation with a friend isn’t enough to reach that level you felt earlier that day
its about finding a meditation or exercise that will get your body to a natural high
20 is about mourning yourself that you arent 19 or 18 or 17 anymore
aging is scary but not knowing yourself is even scarier
its about realizing that getting older isnt bad but its a chance to be better than yesterday
i turned 21 last week
21 is about loving myself for who i was when i was 20 and celebrating who i will be today and who i will become tomorrow
n.m.b.
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i don't think its possible to ever find yourself completely. finding yourself does not mean realizing what your dream job is or where you want to live when your older. every single human being will have a reaction to every situation there are put in. each of those reactions is a small percentage of what your true characteristics are. it is impossible to be in every single situation; therefore it is impossible to find your true self.
n.m.b
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"are you ready for the cold?" he asked.
"yes." she said without clearly thinking about it. she was from a place that never experienced true cold temperature. her cold was relative to herself, but that didn't mean she was ready for the cold relative to him and the others.
n.m.b
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rules of a new love
1. never listen to your favorite song together
2. never show him your favorite lookout spot
3. never bring him to your comfortable place
4. never let him touch you all over
5. never take his compliments too seriously
why never do these you ask?
because when he breaks your heart your favorite song will turn into an ear ache full of sorrow, your favorite lookout spot will never display the shining wonders of the sunset or stars ever again, your comfortable place will feel as if a body has died there, you'll never have that one spot that doesn't feel like a needle pricking at you every time it is touched, and most importantly, you will never think you were beautiful, smart, loving, or whatever he calls you before you met him. Don't let someone take away the parts of you that make you you, unless you know it's for real.
n.m.b
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The expectations of a successful life seem a bit absurd to me. We spend our entire youth working to get good grades in school. For what? To get into a good college of course. But why do we want to get into a good college? So we can get a good job that will earn us enough money to be happy. But by the time we've earned enough money to have an amazing life, we'll already be old. If only we lived our great lives while we're young, and worked off that debt when we're old. It's a bit of a paradox in itself.
n.m.b
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Live every moment like your about to encounter the best moment of your life, you may not always know what it is, but you're excited and you know life is worth living and waiting for moments like those
n.m.b
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one of the most relatable concepts that most people encounter is love. The repetition of falling for the same person over and over and over again is like binge eating or being intoxicated. We all know it's bad for us but we continue to go down the same path. I know I've been down this road before but each time I do it is different and exciting. Like when you watch a movie or an entire television series for the third time. Although we already know what's there, we continue to find new things we didn't realize before. In my specific situation I am starting to catch feelings for the same guy I already have twice. The first time was pure bliss, it was eight months of early mornings from the excitement this one boy brought me. It was nights of me staying up late just to wait for his snapchat or facetimes. It was also nights of me crying myself to sleep due to the constant fights and worry that it won't be the same next time I see him. Or mornings where I had to use two times the amount of under eye concealer to cover the bags and puffiness left over from the night before. How could one person effect my life like this? The even bigger question, how could I let this person take over me again? Not two times, but three. This, is the concept of love.
n.m.b
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Being hurt by him made me feel so weak. I knew he was really the weak one inside but on the outside, he had more power and that was the thing that was stopping me. Naturally, I just wanted to go up to him and express all my feelings on how he was being a jealous jerk and was a douche for acting like he wasn't caring. I shouldn't even be wasting my time on him. He's not even smart. Or at least he acts like it. And I know there are better people out there but it's so hard to see that positive side. This situation reminds me of Penelope and Odysseus from the Odyssey. Penelope is so focused on Odysseus coming back, she doesn't realize that other men are after her and forgetting about all her priorities. It's taking over her life. The only thing she can do at this point is move on, but even that's almost impossible. That's what I feel like right now.
n.m.b
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Brown
Sweet, caring & innocent
The feeling of pure youth
But not there when terms of depth
Green
Funny, young, & a soulmate
The feeling of endless understandment
But it there when emotions are evoked
Blue
Bold, mature & charming
The one I always fall for
Leading me the wrong way every time
I always think back on my brown and wonder how he's doing. I know someone is there taking care of him cause who couldn't resist to leave the poor thing alone? I have nostalgic pains from my green. I miss him. I wonder if he ever thinks of me too. After all he's my soulmate right? I'm not sure about my blue... I always fall for these the fastest. Why do I enjoy being around him? What does he do for me. Only temporary joy. But I know he will never be permanent. Brown; the easiest to get to. But the one I want least. Green; the easiest to connect to. But the one I need to leave in the past. Blue; the easiest yet hardest to retrieve. The one I want the most, yet the least. Hazel? I don't know. I've never encountered a hazel.
n.m.b
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-‘Rejection’
when i try to focus on something, the advice people always give me is to put my phone aside.
but how am i suppose to focus when i put my phone aside.
with everything i do i will just keep wondering if you sent me a message or not.
i can’t take my mind off of you its impossible; at least for now
i want you so bad.
every time i see your name pop up on my screen and i instantly get butterflies.
sometimes i’m so excited i don’t even want to open your message.
but its not a good thing.
it just shows that I’m falling for you way too quickly
i don’t know if i like that because how am i suppose to know you feel the same way.
do i want to know the answer to that? no.
because if you reject me i will be hurt.
but if i wait too long and fall deeper into your trap and then you reject me then. i will also be hurt.
but what if there is no rejection?
i don’t seem to be that lucky
n.m.b
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i don't deserve him”
i say, but immediately rethink it
i've encountered so many guys that end up hurting me and o tell myself that it's ok because they didnt deserve me anyways;
that i deserve better.
if thats true,
that i should never feel that i didnt deserve them,
then why do i feel this way about him?
maybe because he has never done anything to hurt me
or not yet at least
but i've been through this before
and it seems as if he could never hurt me
because he always wants the best for me
and the only time he gives me the cold shoulder is when i do something that isn’t good for me
like skipping class
because he wants the best for me
of course he never isolates me
he gives me advice
he tells me he disagrees with my decisions
but he would never judge
and will always be there for me if i fall
he has never let me down
he is the ideal boy
but why doesn’t my heart want to chase after him
why, why am i into the boys that are no good for me
maybe i like the chase
or maybe the human brain just want things that are harder to achieve.
why is he still here
why is he still complementing me
why is he still saying good morning and night to me
why does he always ask how my day was
i don't deserve him
or maybe i’m so used to being used and thrown around that i my expectations have lowered
maybe he thinks he doesn’t deserve me
maybe We deserve each other
n.m.b
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