Last Seen Blogs
networkblog94
Untitled
granjaescuelanaturalschool-blog
Granja Escuela Natural School
ebookguides
eBook Guides
328stories-blog
328 Stories
doyouwanttokiss
AllOfMyWhiles
Text
240215 my heart flutters and I'm flattered
last night, I played games online with my friends, my graduated friends who are waiting for their housemanship placement. we played lots of mini games while waiting for our friends to go online to play among us. among of those mini games on discord were scrabble-looking things and I had the most win kekekeke. but like going through that game, one of my friends, I knew him but not that much knew him, he commented about me writing poetries and I excitedly say yes (even though I haven't write one in a while).
also, I'm pretty sure that he never follows me on instagram, so I'm wondering where on Earth did he know I write poems (or did my poetry self-announce?)
anyway, my heart always flutter when someone tells me that they know I write. I told lots of people, even gifted some of them my poems but somehow people like him, whom I rarely have interactions with them, make it feel like people actually knows poetry?
that leads me to this one thought: when he said that he really read my poems, does he meant it well?
I used to have the mindset of "I don't care what people say about my poetry, I only care if he reads" towards one person I have known my whole life, the one who stole my book and gave me passion to write poetry. then my whole poetry universe centralized around him even though he was never there ever since them.
then he came and tell me that he likes reading my poetry but in my mind, all I was thinking of about my original muse. and even got mad at him for wanting to be someone I write about.
maybe he saw that I was being blind?
I came across a tiktok that says, between the person you love someone and the person that loves you, always choose the latter.
I think it's true.... in some ways. I actually believed in that, once upon a time.....
hahhhhhhhhh.....
0 notes
Text
240110 we had our head in the clouds
my tokayah's passing and being brought down by covid, I somehow feel like I wasn't here physically for almost a week. yeap. 10 days into 2024, I couldn't feel anything for five days.
my tokayah got really sick around December. it has something to do with his liver and gallbladder but I actually ignore it because it's going to mess my mind. because I know what it is, what was the problem but because I'm not there and I'm not a doctor yet, and that these things actually took a toll of my mental health that I kinda ignore it.
bs, I know. my mom; my tokayah's children, their mental health took the most hit. my mom told me multiple times, how she got really scared when my aunt called her inquiring for either of her parents. I also ignore that because I became numb and immune to sadness. why did I do that?
because of that, I felt guilty, so when I went home that fateful Thursday, I told my friend; hey I need to go home, my tokayah was warded and the doctor told us to come home. while I was zooming passed the streets, right at 9:21 am, he was gone. I didn't tell her. I didn't tell anyone. I just stay quiet and stay strong and vowed not to ever cry at home, just in case I see someone crying, I can be someone they can lean on. I took on tasks, house chores that the older people in my maktok's home would do, cooking, cleaning, managing my cousins. my mom doesn't really acknowledge me; not until the last day I had to return to Sarawak, she started to say thank you and hug me. I feel a bit relief and I went back.
and I got covid.... and I spent another three days sleeping, trying to make sense over the days while I was quarantined and today should be my last quarantine day. I also would be home for holiday in three days hahaha.
okay but what even the purpose of this post lol.
I didn't have the chance to cry over this.
I want to cry over this.
I want to restart 2024.
songs like head in the clouds - hayd and langit - yuna really resonates me right now.
I feel like my head in the clouds but I look down to see the soil, the same soil that buried my very tall tokayah and some of his wife and his children's hearts with it.
I feel like my head in the clouds but I don't know where to stand.
0 notes
Text
231031 acknowledgement
I don't like myself needing acknowledgment. approval from other people. it makes me want to be the best but at the same time, I just want to stay low and stay hidden. I just want to feel unburdened.
I want to express myself. even that, I need acknowledgment.
I don't know.
0 notes
Text
231023 to be heard
from the beginning
the sole purpose of her scribble
is to be heard
when no one couldn’t catch
her gibberish talks
when no one couldn’t guess
her wistful thinking
when no one could recognise
her longings and yearnings
from the beginning
the sole purpose of her poems
is to be heard
isn’t it what poets do?
let their thoughts run free on papers?
when their voices were locked
and their actions were undermined
poets with the ability to empathise
or did they write it based on experience?
from the beginning
the sole purpose of her pieces
is to be heard
and when people told
her pieces were screenshotted and gave away
her small heart felt the warmth
at least someone read it
someone heard her feelings
albeit no names were mentioned
from the beginning
the sole purpose of her writing
is only to be heard
0 notes
Text
I want someone to love the monster I have inside, but they usually run and hide.
75 notes
·
View notes
Text
230804 in my stormy mind
I do want to be selfish. kinda want to be a person I hate the most; people with lack of common sense.
I'm not sure about my life right now. my fyp kept showing videos on eldest daughter's struggle and it does make sense. there's one saying about the eldest daughter will reach that certain point where she realized that she never get to be a kid.
Am I in that phase?
this morning, my mom called me, telling me to visit my sister in Samarahan, which is 40-min drive from where I am right now. I usually wouldn't mind, but I told my sister last week that I won't be going there this week because I have to pack my things and study for my exams - I'm finishing Year 4 and I'll be moving out from my college into my friend's house. but like, my mom told to go there because I won't see her until... maybe a month or two, maybe never lol... she told me to ask her if she wants tupperware to keep her food. actually, that time I was just woken up because I slept late last night. and I'm not sure was it the sleepiness that made me irritated; I was pissed off. I told my mom that she can go and buy it herself and that I don't have to see her every weeked. and she went saying things about how I as the eldest one should take care of my sister.
honestly? go fuck with that. no one ask me if I want tupperwares when I come here. no one bothered asking me what I eat and the prices, no one actually understands me.
I'm this close of crying lol.
I hung up without saying anything. a bit awful but I'm actually really am mad. do they really see me as the eldest daughter that has responsibilites over stuff?
but like my parents are firstborns too. don't they understand my cravings for attention?
this is sucks, these things always happened when I'm just about to take exams.
0 notes
Text
230719 when he reads
I chose to write on tumblr because currently I'm overflowing with ideas on what to write to this one person on his birthday.
will it be weird if I made a poem for this friend of mine whom I used to like and that I actually confessed, but like I genuinely appreciate him for sometimes leaving me a like on poem posts I made?
dang, he was there when I first started my interest, and we lost connection for awhile, then we found each other again on instagram- he really like some of my posts which I always glad that he liked it.
I mean, I care about no one reading my poems; but when he reads <3
so here I'm pasting a poem I made for him, literally just now because I super appreciate his likes and him reading it (although I never know his feedback)
back then- he used to take (read it, steal) my book and I don't know, he read through it and return it back. that vampire book I had back then was full of weird doodles and notes and more about rusty poetry.
ohhh I really appreciate him for that gesture. <3
~
230719 he reads
throughout the years, I've written hundreds of poems
maybe close to a thousand
off book, sticky notes, on exam papers
and throughout those years of writing
I had never been so obsessed of someone reading it
there's just one exception; when he reads
he read my pieces when I was nothing
but a raging teenage, pouring her heart out
nothing pretty about it; series of rambles and doodles
he reads my pieces today; we haven't met in years
the likes, the loves, sometimes seen under the viewers
still don't mind about the numbers but when he reads
it felt like another sense of accomplishment
my first reader: when he reads
I actually had no idea what he thinks of my poems; he writes too, he's a producer, a lyricist but he writes in Malay so I don't know what he thinks about my poems.
but the fact that after all these years, after the fights, the miscommunications, heck even the confessions, I still find him lurking under my viewers, liking some of my posts, especially my poems. which to me; he played a very big role on me writing poetry.
it's just that, I never express my gratitude to him for his play in my discovery, in a form of poetry (hell I actually written quite lot of pieces for him, just not something like this)
so yeah. that's that haha.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
stream svt fml
#seventeen#s.coups#jeonghan#joshua#wonwoo#hoshi#jun#woozi#dk#mingyu#the8#seungkwan#vernon#dino#carat#Spotify
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
230422 someone's breath, that heavy breath
youtube
lee hi's breath is timeless. it doesn't matter who covers it, the fact that the lyrics are heartbreaking, broke my heart into pieces, a million times as it pleases.
I chose to write it here. this heavy breath. it's been three days since the news broke. astro's moonbin.
can't really explain it well, these feelings. when I log on to my twitter, and saw his name trending for that reason, I found it hard to believe.
moonbin moonbin. I knew him, almost the same time as I knew seungkwan; seungkwan kept mentioning him as his best friend, along with their 98z group. and I naturally got attracted to moonbin, then astro when they promoted always you. they even did a dispatch photoshoot together, went to jeju trip together, and every now and then, they kept popping up in their respectives lives, and I was so damn in love with their friendship.
I did not kept myself up-to-date with astro ever since their oldest member went to military but I do follow eunwoo's and moonbin's ig. and moonbin would sometimes posted stuff related to boo; I kept lots of screenshot of their bike date. when boo sent him cakes for his birthday, early this year 💜 moonbin was in quite a lot of dramas; I especially love Moment At Eighteen. he was soooo sweet to the girl who liked him. don't forget moonbin and moon sua; his younger sister. the fact that he won a fancall to his own sister's group; what an amazing brother :').
most importantly; his big, warm smile. his smile were plastered everywhere, when I looked for his name in twitter, his smile would always greet me warmly.
so when the news dropped late night, I can't sleep. I was in denial (still in one, actually), this person, whom my bias cherish the most, this person is no longer here. this person will no longer post stuff. this person will no longer sing nor act. we can no longer see this person with his sister, with his members Astro. this person won't be there for boo and boo can't call this person anymore.
lord, if I put myself in pov of Astro members, pov of moon sua and seungkwan, I would've not been able to get up from my bed.
he was taken too sudden and too early :(
we can't see his warm smile anymore.
..........
goodbye, moonbin. rest well
this would be my way of grief. I did not expect this news to affect me badly like this. I just... losing someone is painful.
it has been affecting me for awhile, perhaps I might take longer time to recover than that time with jonghyun.
1 note
·
View note
Text
230204 when the past was around
a few weeks earlier, I was searching for a calm, unpacking-like game that I can add into my phone. while contemplating whether I should download Steam or not, I came across this game, When The Past Was Around on tiktok, a cute game they say, but the free portion was just the prologue so we have to buy in order to play the full game.
well, my rm 9.90 is not wasted because I cried at the end of the game.
I really love the game, its slogan 'love, moving on and letting go' really hits the spot.
and I couldn't even shake off the lingering moment :(
though I was a bit disturbed... the owl-faced man......
but it was a good game :')
yall gotta play it. yeap.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
230112 confetti daydream
hello, good day, and welcome to another random post.
today's random topic: bath & body works body mist ehheehhe.
I'm not a fan of the strong scent of perfumes, especially those small, glass bottles showcased somewhere in Parkson, in glass container like that, it was called eau de parfum? I know perfumes has different names, according to the percentage of alcohol and fragrance oil and stuff, eau de parfum has long-lasting effect, but it felt like grown ups would wear (my mom doesn't wear any perfume tho) the highest perfume classification I ever had would be eau de toilette...
but my current to-go-to perfumes are from bath & body works. they have eau de parfum too, but like I said, I couldn't handle strong scents, so I opt to use body mist. my top bbw body mist are confetti daydream, sweet pea and butterfly. I bought other scents as well, but nothing can beat my top threes.
especially confetti daydream. I first bought confetti daydream in late 2020, and it was a mysterious scent because it's a seasonal scent! I have no idea what season it would be sell, perhaps winter, but this scent is really hard to get! none of my friends wore it too, perhaps I've gotten lucky with this scent. it has similar scent as butterfly; a newer scent they brought in and it quickly have gotten really popular. the thing about butterfly is that it has a sharper note than confetti daydream, if I'm not mistaken, they changed one note of scent only. was it pear?
anyways, I would reserve my time and money and look out for bbw sales on September, because the 2nd time I bought it was during Sept 2022. I made my first bottle of confetti daydream last for two years :3
ohhhhhh another thing that made me fall in love even better with confetti daydream is its packaging! the first bottle was a pink holographic one, which is really nice, but the second bottle they got rid of the holograph surface and change the colour to purple.
a win-win situation for me hehe
bath & body works, please make confetti daydream, a year-long scent :') the scent seem like cease to exist huhuhuhu I tried to find people who wore this scent on the internet, or people who recommended the scent, but I don't know.... people don't make reviews on it. but when I try to buy, IT ALWAYS SOLD OUT LIKE WHY? i thought no one knows hing. or was it an unpopular scent?
even my little sister loves the scent huuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu
I don't want to fight to buyyyyy~ there's so many people who bought it in bulk and sell it at a higher price huwaaaaa
that's all hehe
p/s: I've switched to spotify after four months of apple music hehehehehe
0 notes
Text
230109 new year, old concern
hello! happy new year (late by 10 days)
I'm here again with a random rant that I couldn't write because I'm thinking it fast.
tracing back to my high school days, yknow how kids have to do a career folio, making a research on what your job would be, and what road can you take, like what university you have to take, what degree you need. my career folio was never about doctors. It was on mechanical engineering.
my young mind were thinking: I don't want to do the cliche, what people expected me to do. they say I'll be a doctor, I'll be like my parents. I don't want that.
for a young fella who doesn't know anything about the world, anis' young instinct was actually believable. I could've avoid the stress I have right now (or all the stress I had all the time) if I just be stubborn over my dream.
my latest concern is that I'm not sure whether if I should use this privilege. a privilege of having doctors as parents. heck that sounded really stressful to me.
so I have to apply to a hospital for an elective posting. I want to choose something really easy so that I don't have to feel so much stress. I chose a hospital I'm familiar with the layout: my mom's former workplace. but like because it's a place where my parents' friends works, so I'm not sure if I could handle my emotion in a place where people know me because of my parents.
I have suffered enough emotion damage when I went through orthopaedics, a friend of my mom was my lecturer. though he did not recognize me (does he?), the fear of him knowing me and my mother, and compare us, the pressure just gets me trembling non-stop. I'm not as bright as mom, I'm just trying to float now.
and what do people say if I ask my parents to find me supervisors. won't they think that I couldn't be independent, always staying behind the shadows of my parents. I really hate that notion. I want to be proud of that fact, but the fact that I'm also dumb makes it...... I'm stupid.
I think my younger self were afraid of those shadows, she just couldn't say it in a sophisticated way. well. I can't say it too.
I should grit my teeth and learn whatever that I can, use whatever privilege I have, right? I shouldn't be worrying about other people opinions. I should be using this opportunity! I should be brave. nobody matters to me.
should've gone somewhere that ain't medicine.
:(
I'm pretty much stuck in the mirror. stuck in the shadows.
0 notes
Text
221224 memories of a faraway place
it's christmas eve~ im spending the eve with presentations and enjoying sbs gayo daejun performance!
ohh out of so many songs in the setlist, I like this the most!
suits the festiveness~
anyways, I had a flashback of my high school.
using the wudhu' areas at the surau while waiting for maghrib.
waiting a long line for toilets before taking wudhu' especially during zohor and peak hours.
I studied really hard at that time lol. why can't I study hard like that in med school hahha
okay that's all for my throwback lol
the title sounded like i was about to write a really meaningful post ahhahaha
1 note
·
View note
Text
221213 emotional damage
before I start babbling; a song that I've been listening to since the start of paediatric posting hew hew
emotional damage haha. I was thinking over what should I make my goals of 2023, which then reminded me to the fact that I'm so easy to get emotional damage.
I think, my mind has transformed into a whirlpool. my emotions were mixing. and it got really messy. and I can almost feel it messing up my relationships with people.
I will get really afraid to clerk and present cases. I will get really afraid to do something new, things that I should've overcome now that I'm in fourth year of medicine. clerking and presenting became something I dread. I will get really afraid of scoldings, when scolding is meant to teach you. I feel like I was being afraid for nothing. medicine is definitely hard for me, emotionally.
emotionally damage. like that.
I also found that I took longer time to identify my feelings. I'm not sure what should I feel.
emotionally damage?
I'm too tired to catch up with everything.
a sign of emotional damage....?
lol. I'm just tired.
0 notes
Text
221204 an update
I've confessed. and somehow it felt like I've been rejected, but it's okay. he's a lovely friend of mine.
we're good ><
I think.
I think I may have annoyed him.
But yeap. Who cares? I've given him a green light to react whatever he wanted.
I don't care. I don't mind.
I've confessed, I'm free, I'm good.
Yeap.
A SENSE OF RELIEF. perhaps a closure that I've always wanted.
yes. hahaha.
okay bye.
0 notes