7. Sinking

It grips, and grips hard - I feel it in my toes It crawls, it creeps, it climbs up my bones It pinches my spine, it gives me shivers It rises up like goosebumps, but it stays forever

It doesn't let go, I can't shake it off I feel it in my every pulse as it throbs (It takes hold in my blood) It crushes my lungs, it chokes up my breaths Cold fire in my heart - neither alive nor dead

This terrible in-between, and I'm a puppet on strings I take my actions, but they're practiced swings Of someone not me - I don't get to be in the plays I'm my own audience of my own fate

It's an illusion of control - it's disheartening It's building hope only to bring it down shattering A slap in the face for trying more than I've been told For speaking up, acting out - for being too bold

My strength, my fight all slowly fading out All my conviction replaced with doubt It's trying to break me down - it's succeeding I'm battered, bruised, and bleeding

I'm so close to giving up, it will be easy Close my eyes, pretend it's all right, all breezy Lay down, breathe light - I'll just rest a while Why fight, why strive it's all futile

6. Empty

Beggars can't be choosers so I'll take what I get So I love you and you love me but now I'm in your debt You see I'm not worth much but I have much to give You can take it all - everything and anything you need I should admit I'm messed up in more ways than one I give two, three, four chances where there should be none I can get outraged on someone else's behalf I may be in despair, but if you laugh, I laugh I can be broken hearted for someone else's pain I can not believe a word you say, but let you still explain Let you speak your lies, pretend I'm hoodwinked if it so pleases Let my heart beat a panicked rhythm just so your heart eases, Let my lungs struggle to hold a calm, steady breath But if you had tears in your eyes, I'd smile in the face of death Lest my pain inconvenience you, make you uncomfortable -- I don't want to make a scene, I'm gonna hold as still as I'm able.

I've been biding these faces around me For so long that I now can't seem to find me My real self is slowly rotting away inside Who am I - I dont know, I can't decide Somewhere in a dusty corner of my heart she hides A little girl with a broken heart, a broken pride Slowly withering, she has no voice,she has no face, She's never made it out, she's touched no hearts, she's made no place

I'm an empty shell and still so full - it's bothering me I'm tired giving love with so little in return, it's smothering me Every shortfall between your words and how you act The emptiness keeps eating away into my heart And I'm going to keep giving until I have no more to give And I'm going to die in the same way I live -

Lonely and Empty

5. Sunshine and Rain

You're little Miss Sunshine I'm the gloomy bout of Rain You're what everyone looks up to And I'm the unseemly pain

You’re warm and fuzzy and beautiful I'm drab and dark and damp You're the sparkling rivers, glistening snow I'm the wet firewood at the camp

You're the crisp creases in the clothes I'm the muck and slush on the shoes You're the "twinkle in the eye", "not a cloud in the sky" I'm the "bad day", "the Monday blues"

You're the garden painted in pastels I'm the moss growing on everything once bare You're the strong grass growing in the crack of the pavement I'm the dirty puddles everywhere

I know I have my own purpose in this scheme We're not meant to be without each other You're bright, hopeful, cheery - all nice things I'm the outline to your bright colour...

4. Contradictions

I'm too much to handle Too easy to please Too quick to anger Too hard to appease

I get too distant I'm too quick to trust Too wound up for-my-own-good I care too much

I think too much I'm trying too hard But if I  take a break It all falls apart -

"Are you okay? What's the matter with you? You never sit idle! Are you down with the flu?"

I ask for too much I rely too little I try to be too strong I'm too fragile - brittle

Too excited, too quiet, Too loud, too shy, Too worked up, too emotional, Too cranky, too wry

Too hard on myself Too hung up on things Too busy, too tied up Too much of everything

Too much of everything Or none at all I'm never enough It's taking its toll

I'm also too tired There's a lot I want There's a lot I need to do And there's lot I can't

So I'd be really grateful If you'd just let me be I don't think I'm what you wanted I just want to be me

3. On My Own

Can't fight these feelings, I'm overwhelmed They're so strong, they pull me along Into the dark desolation they rose from And I've struggled my own share Been brought down to my knees, in breathless despair Cried my bucket of tears, tasted cold sweat - Of a defeat I still refuse to accept

Even though I get a helping hand sometimes No one can get me out of here, they cannot fight my fight They cannot hold my thoughts, They cannot stop my mind, They cannot save me from me, for, when my self-loathe bites

It'll drag me down into this dismal abyss - A quicksand - of a swallowing hopelessness My inadequacies contemptuously staring into my face A picture of utter (dismay and) self-disgrace -  I'll drown alone And that's how I know I'm on my own

Some thoughts, some fights, some struggles are all mine I am fighting my hardest, even when you see me smile As I tend to my inner wolves, trying to tell wrong from right Some battles are too personal to bring outside. They are mine to forfeit or fight In this constant self-struggle, the battlefield is my mind And this war, I'll have to fight alone Yes, I'm all on my own

This is so warmly put!

I hope everyone finds their way. Always.

been thinking about appearances and stuff

2. Like Any Other Day?

Waking up later than usual - it's Sunday, I smile - a lazy morning comes my way. Got nothing to do - I'm oh-so-satisfied - It's just like any other day!

There's a famine in some westward region, People are hungry and dying - they say. I get my breakfast as I watch the news on my TV. Why it's just like any other day!

Villages up north were flooded by the river, People lost their living - houses carried away Well, I'm busy - I got a job, I got a life. It's just like any other day!

There's war in some country - I catch up on news, Soldiers dying on both sides while their families pray. I call up my friends "Let's hang out tonight!" It's just like any other day!

A mother lost her only son - her life, her heart is shattered, His dreams - and hers - all blown away, I discuss "That's so sad", have my dinner, go to bed. Life goes on. And it's just another day.

My mother's unwell, I scraped my knee. My boss was mad I was late - he doesn't care. He’s a monster! Oh! Why is this happening to me? Such a horrible day! Life's so unfair!

Oh MY GOD! This rattled my head. It flows so well, and the bitterness is all there. It’s amazing.

Please remember. It’s always better to leave a toxic situation that to keep stewing in there! Suicide is not the answer.

Not Yet Gone

Dear family members Here’s attempt twenty-eight To put in writing Why I decided not to wait You raised me in a small town Where everyone else knows best Even when it’s between you and me Somebody told the rest This isn’t me seeking attention I’m not making a scene Don’t want to hurt your reputation But death seems so serene I don’t know about an afterlife But I don’t really care Because eternal fire and brimstone Is still better than here I’m not leaving yet Because the words aren’t quite No not even close To explaining this right So let’s leave this here For everyone to see but you So in clearing my things out You’ll find this letter too It’s sitting in my top drawer With attempts 1 through 27 Maybe that Baptist is right And I’m already promised heaven With that, I go to sleep Because until the words are right I don’t want to just leave It would be impolite

-Bella Carter

Thank you so much! Here’s to putting thoughts to paper and letting them flow! Cheers! :))

Hi. I'm new to tumblr, and I write poems. Sort of. Is there a way/ some place to introduce myself? How does this work? PS: I read a few of your poems and loved them :)

Hi!! I’m so glad you’re here. Always good to have new and exciting faces here! Thank you for reading my stuff and I’m glad you enjoyed.

As for the getting to know ppl on here. There always groups you can join if your on the mobile app. But I think the best way is to just be active. Post what you want not what you think ppl expect and just enjoy the ride.

1. Lost It

I'm here when you need a shoulder I'm here when you need some rest I'm here to nag you when you drag yourself down I'm here when you're not at your best

I'm here when you're looking And here when you're not I'm here when you call me a hundred times And here even when you forgot

Is that why I still feel invisible? Am I being overlooked? Have I stayed in this corner for so long That I'm being mistook?

Sometimes I feel the need to shout To make a hue and cry It won't do for me if I'm forgotten To be forgotten is to die

And so I scream for a little attention I'm crying and raging - and throwing a fit I'm putting what I feel into incoherent words And seem to have lost it a little bit...