an-angels-manuscript - Tumblr blog

an-angels-manuscript · 2 years

Text

Do Not Be Afraid to Change Your Label

My personal experience with figuring out my identity on the huge ass internet.

The internet can be an overwhelming place filled with way too many resources that can be used to “help” us figure out our identity. These resources, specifically quizzes, are there to help others in their identity crisis. Thoses quizzes are meant to help you, not tie you down to an identity. Take as many “Am I Gay” quizzes as you like, but please remember that these were most likely made by bored teens who are just as confused as you. An important thing to remember in this world where everyone is trying to find a label to identity with by analyzing every single bit of themselves, the reality is no matter how hard you try, no label will ever fit you 100%.

I identified with the term bisexual for about 3 years, but I was still in the closet. I didn’t want to know what my family or friends would think of me. What if they didn't accept me? What if I changed labels? Being in the closet ironically, didn’t hinder my journey towards acceptance. No one else knew this part about myself, and I wasn’t restrained by the fact that I had already “come out” and already “picked” a label. For me, the uncertainty luckily wasn’t about if others' perception of me would change, but if my perception of what my sexuality was, changed.

Looking back, I admit I was punishing myself for questioning my identity.

As mentioned previously, the internet has labels for anything and everything. We have become micromanagers for ourselves. At times, it can seem easier to try and daydream about the perfect reality for yourself if you had just conformed to the heteronormative society. After all, it is how society taught us to live.

My experience with labels has definitely not been linear. After identifying as bisexual for 3 years, I realized that the term no longer resonated with me. This began what I call, “I Don’t Know What Label I Am and the Internet Has SO Many Labels That I Can’t Choose” crisis. Going back to my roots, I took a lot of quizzes, at least 40. As the results page slowly loaded, I treated it as my destiny for the rest of my life, because why would I change labels again after this? This was going to be how I always feel from now on. Period.

Each quiz delivered different results, so I analyzed each result and picked what I liked the most. Then it happened again, and again. What if the label I picked is “wrong” tomorrow? Should I just stay in the closet, so I don’t have to continuously come out? It got to the point where I was taking quizzes everyday to make sure my label “matched” how I felt. An experience that was supposed to be eye opening and freeing caused me to develop a fear of picking the “wrong” label.

Changing your identity in the future is a normal human thing. I think this is due to the fact that questioning your queerness is still a taboo topic. Think of it this way, you want to get a haircut, you think it will really suit you. The pictures of the haircut look good on others, so you show it to your hairdresser. It looks exactly like the picture. You go home with your new hair and decide this is the haircut. After having this haircut for a while, you realize you’re not that fond of it anymore. Does this change the fact that you liked this haircut in the past and made you happier? No. The way you felt about your hair then and now are perfectly valid. Just like how your opinions on how you should style yourself changed, so can your internal sense of identity.

The fear of changing our identity can really hold us back sometimes. Even if you end up changing your mind on your queer identity, it really doesn’t matter because labels are meant to serve your current self, not your future self in 5 years. Those “what ifs” about the future do not supplement you with anything except for a fear of the unknown. You also don’t even have to pick a label, if you’re not into that type of thing. Labels are meant to aid and comfort you, not force you into a box. It’s basically the queer version of heternormative boxes.

After all of this, you must be wondering if I picked a label. The answer is no.

#queer community #questioning #lgbtqia

1 note · View note

an-angels-manuscript · 2 years

Text

Bilangual Langa

anime: sk8 the infinity

pairing: renga

genre: fluff, crack

words: 854

synopsis:

Langa's struggles as a bilingual teen

or I guess you could say biLANGual Langa

ahahahhaha i'm so funnyyyy

Langa’s phone lit up. It was reki. reki sent him a picture. Langa has a bit of a crisis in his head everytime reki sends a picture

But what kind of picture is it? Is it a picture or the other kind of picture

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god reki sent me a picture stay calm langa stay calm but what if it’s a dick pic omg no not a dick pic i don’t need that wait but do i want that no stop thinking about that langa shut your horny ass up”, langa thinks to himself.

Either way, langa wanted to take a screenshot of this photo, dick pic or not. But then langa remembered something from a couple weeks ago…

2 weeks ago

Reki: yo dude why do u keep on screenshotting every photo i send you

Reki: i get u want to capture memories and all, but the save in chat feature exists

Langa: idk im too lazy to scroll through all of them ig

Reki: makes sense anyways goodnight langa <3

Through this wonderful flashback, langa makes a decision.

“Mommmmmmmmm where did you put the iPad?”

“I’m not sre langa it’s been so long”

Langa runs to the living room and adrenaline is rushing through his veins. He scours through the living room looking for the ipad like his life depended on it.

‘Ughhh where is this ipad???”

Langa’s father, oliver suddenly appears to him as a ghost.

“It is in the bottom cabinet in your mother’s room, my son”

“Dad?”

“yes, langa it is me. Now go make your father proud and get that dick pic.”

“Dad!!! how did you know i was into guys?”

“Langa i see you with reki it is so obvious anyways bye back to being dead.”

Oliver disappears, his comforting presence leaving the room. langa finds the ipad, but at what cost? at least he got to see his father one last time.

As the ipad slowly turns on langa’s phone is flooding with notifications. Sweat is beading down langa’s face as the apple logo remains static on the screen for a couple of minutes, until it finally turns on. The lock screen is an old family picture from when langa was in canada. Langa thinks back to his childhood for a bit, until he remembers what he was going to do. Take a picture of the photo reki sent him.

“I wouldn’t have been able to find this ipad without your help, dad” (help langa lowkey has daddy issues)

Langa runs to his room, his phone in 1 hand, the ipad in his other. Langa sets his phone on the bed and holds the ipad with his other hand.

I’m so excited to see what this picture is i hope its a good picture of him and not a picture of a skateboard he’s working on

Langa knows this feeling too well. One time reki was so excited to show langa the skateboard that it was so blurry and shaky you could barely decipher what the board looked like. Langa steadys his shaking hand from all the gay panic and centers himself for the important task that lies ahead.

Langa opens the picture. He could not believe his eyes. (you would not believe your eyes if 10 million fireflies…)

It was a mirror selfie. Langa’s personal favorite, since he could check out his whole body. Reki was wearing a yellow beanie, and a red button up t-shirt, with a sweatshirt with wings on the sleeves. The wings were peeking out from under his red shirt and he flashed a bright smile to the camera. Langa quickly took a picture with his ipad. Mission accomplished B)

reki sent a picture

Reki: what do you think of the new fit langa? It looks good right?

Langa wanted to tell reki how he looks good in anything and he would still compliment him even if he was dressed in a trash bag. reki was langa’s happiness, so as long as reki was happy, langa was happy too.

Omg ajsdfgafjsdfhsiuaf reki looks so good what do i say without being too gay but also enough gay that he gets the message without me explicitly saying it. Langa decides to tell him he looks gorgeous. But wait. How do you even spell gorgeous? Langa had become so used to speaking Japanese that he forgot a bit of his english.

Langa: you look gorjess

Langa backspaces on the word

Langa: you look gourgess gourjest

no thats not right either

No no no this isn’t right, langa thinks. Langa decides to put beautiful instead. Langa forgot how to spell that too.

Bootiful? Beyoutiful? Beyoteafull? Beoutiful? When did spelling get so hard for langa? Langa thinks of other words but he can’t spell those either :(

“Why am i so stressed out from a text? You know what fuck it i’m just gonna say he looks good that’s easy enough”

reki sent a picture

Reki: what do you think of the new fit langa? It looks good right?

Langa: You look god reki :)

Shit i spelled that wrong langa thinks to himself. Langa rushes to correct it, but before he could, his phone dies.

#fluff #crack fic #sk8 the infinity #sk8 renga #langa hasegawa #reki kyan #chat fic #text message

0 notes