Its been....awhile. im pregnant again, we don't know gender. Im working again, and have been since like may. Although i officially started before all this craziness in march. My son is 2, and acts every bit of it. This pregnancy is hard and its different. Im not excited this time around, and Im not sure if it just hasnt really hit me yet, or something else. When i told fiance, it was exciting, but he wanted to tell so many people so quickly, i didnt feel like i was really part of it, like i had much of a choice in the matter. And then so many family members were pressuring me to tell OTHER family members, by the time i officially announced it basically everyone already knew. My boy is a typical two year old boy, which doesnt make much of the pregancy stuff easy. And similar to last time, my morning sickness lasted throughout the entire first trimester. Between covid and all the election stuff, im a bit anxious. And all this together has led to my fiance feeling like I regret everything and will resent him and the baby. And that i will hate being a mother more than i already do.

It's just a lot. And he doesnt understand my feelings about it all, and right now im not great at being able to explain without just lashing out.

School

So I'm planning on going back to school this year. I want to. I'm having trouble with it though, because I dont really know how to go about it. I'm wanting to EVENTUALLY get my masters in educational psychology so I can be a guidance counselor. Texas guidance counselor's need to get their license from a THECB accredited institution, but every online school I look at is HLC accredited. I really like Purdue Global and Colorado Technical University. I just dont want to spend the money and the time only to find out it's not enough bc of the accreditation. Does anyone have any experience with online college? I'm kind of keeping things on the DL irl so I dont have to deal with added pressure.

MOMS!!!

Hey tumblr moms, so I'm reaching out. My son is now just shy of 13months and he pretty much only says "momma, daddy, kitty, and yeah" he occasionally says "no" he babbles COSTANTLY, but should I be concerned he doesnt say more words yet or is this all normal? Also he used to say "good" when he was asked how his day was, and now he doesnt. Hubby is super concerned about the good thing, bc he has fallen off our futon a couple times. Hes never acted super hurt, only cried for a few seconds after it happened, eyes always followed me, basically no flags of needing medical attention. I'm not TOO worried, just mostly curious. So... help?

Me too

So I'm watching the new episode of greys, and I'm dealing with the episode bc it triggers my past and fucking upsets me. Not bc greys is doing anything wrong, but bc the reality of it is so fucking horrifying.

1 in 5 women will be raped in their lifetime. 1 in 3 women will deal with some form of sexual violence. HOW SAD IS IT?!?

I have 2 sisters. I've been raped twice in my life, I pray that I get to be the ONE out of my sisters that has to deal with sexual violence and was raped, that they DONT have to go through it.

I knew both men. The first was a boyfriend. He was older than me and we had had sex before, but that time I didnt want it. I was 16, sober, and wearing jeans. I was on lunch break hanging out at his apartment. He yanked my pants down, after basically tackling me. He didn't hurt me. But he refused to listen. He was in his 20s, generally acted like I was beautiful, when we were in private, and I believed he cared about me. So I didnt fight back much, other than saying no, please stop, and I need to get back to school. I didn't tell people about it. I didnt even really consider it rape for a long time, bc he was my (secret) boyfriend, and he wouldnt rape me.... right? Wrong 51.1% of rape victims reported being raped by an intimate partner.

The 2nd time I was raped, I was 19. I went to a "kickback" at a work friends house. There werent very many girls coming, but the guy I had a crush on was going so I went. I got really drunk. The guy who was throwing the little party didnt want me to drive home, because he was worried about me. So he insisted I stay there, he walked me up to his room and I went to sleep. I was wearing shorts and a tank top. I woke up naked with him on top of and inside me. I fought, I pushed, I yelled. He let me up. I got dressed and I left and cried the whole drive home. I called my friends, I went to the police station down the street. I filed a report, I called into work crying, letting them know I was dealing with a personal matter and that I was at the police station, was STILL berated for calling at such short notice, but excused. I was taken back to my apartment to get me clothes because the cops needed the ones I was wearing for evidence. The cops drove me to the hospital and I had a rape kit done. Later when I was with my friends bc I didn't want to be alone, I was STILL asked by my female friend if I was SURE I didnt just GET DRUNK AND FORGET. It bothered me as much when she asked as it does to retell it 6yrs later. The cops went to his house that day. I'm not sure what happened other than he was fired, one manager told me he was sorry I had dealt with that but the female boss who had been so angry with my short notice call, never mentioned it or apologized. I didnt hear anything for a full year. By that time I had moved back to my hometown. The cops had called my aunt and uncle when they couldnt get into contact with me on my old number, they gave the police my grandmothers number, and when they called her, they told her WHY they were looking for me. A year later. While I had basically moved on, I was having to relive everything, not just with the cops and within myself, but now with my entire family whom I hadnt told.

Rape is the most under reported crime. Bc we feel we will not get justice. Bc we feel we will be judged, bc we feel we will be held responsible, bc we feel we will not be believed, bc hes my boyfriend; he was my friend; my boss; my husband; my coworker; bc I didnt know his name; no one saw; someone saw me flirt with him earlier; bc I'm a boy; bc he/she/they are attractive; bc of what I was wearing; bc of what I WASNT wearing; bc I was drunk, bc I was high, bc ITS 2019 AND WE ARE ALL STILL HAVING TO EXPLAIN THAT RAPE IS AN ONGOING PROBLEM THAT HAPPENS TO BOTH GENDERS AND VERY RARELY IS IT JUST A PERSON MAD AT SOMEONE AND LYING FOR REVENGE

When it rains

It pours. Today is not a great day. I've had a couple breakdowns today. I'm working on maintaining my sanity and not crying again. My son and I got kicked off our insurance today bc my fiance, the head of household makes too much money for us to qualify anymore. He makes too much before taxes. Except after taxes, we still have bills to pay, we still have to eat everyday. And to put the 2 of us onto his insurance his job provides, its $12000 a year. My fiance works in sales, so his paycheck varies. Sometimes he makes a lot of sales, and sometimes hes lucky to see anyone at all. He's good at what he does, but if you don't see anyone, it's rather difficult to make a sale.

My car has been broken down for about a month and a half now. Its 15 years old. I've probably spent half of what I paid for it in repairs. So we share his car, which he makes payments on. And sometimes that means dropping him off at work and picking him up later, and sometimes that means he has the car all day, bc I dont have errands to run that cant wait. This means that i dont exactly have the "reliable transportation" that pretty much all job applications ask about. Which is a problematic cycle, bc I need the job to pay for the car, which I need to get to the job. Also I need to find a job that is mon-fri 8-5. ANDDDDD of course I dont have a college degree BC STUDENT LOANS ARE A BITCH AND WILL KEEP YOU IN DEBT, Also (and I cant strees this enough) i didnt work hard enough so it's still my fault and I wont put all the blame on the system.

We DONT have family in the town we live in. Our family is the 3 of us, weve got great friends, but the closest family member is 2hrs away and only 20. The rest are all at least 5hrs away. Which means: I have to put my son in daycare, which is NOT CHEAP. Which is why my job criteria is so important. I have to be able to drop off and pick up every day, I have to be able to pay for the daycare tuition AND contribute to the family earnings.

It's all just a lot today. Today is a hassle. Today I cried. Today my makeup was ruined bc I couldn't contain my feelings at the redlight. Today after wiping away my tears, as I carried my son into the doctor's office and sniffled, a man held the door for us, and quite honestly the gesture was almost enough to bring me to tears all over again, bc how nice that was sir. Today got to me, and today I lost.

But tomorrow, I will try again. I will try to be better, to see the nice people opening doors for people that they dont know were having a bad day. Tomorrow maybe I can be the door opener.

One year

Parenthood is crazy. August is a year old now, and I dont think I've ever been so happy in my whole life. We talk and we play and he gives kisses. He giggles and gives the most intense looks, hes learning new things all the time. Both my fiance and I are white, but he can speak Spanish fluently and regularly talks to August in Spanish. August is learning Spanish alongside English, and when it's a yes or no question will respond with head nods. It's insane. I wasnt like a sad person before August, but I've just never been so genuinely happy throughout the day versus just content. He makes me so happy though. And seeing how Rob with August... OMGGGGG I fall in love all over again when they're interacting. I love seeing August crawl up to Rob to give him hugs and cuddles before he has to go to work. And he likes to look at the picture of the 2 of them together that rob keeps on his nightstand.

A picture because when I say I got HOT for my night out, i meant it. Like forreal proud of my looks tonight. Literally though my son is almost 11 months and I've gotten a babysitter for him like 5 times max, so getting to go be a regular human is a pretty big deal for me.

Whoohoooo

So tonight me and the hubbs are going out to my old bar and I am STOKED! It feels like such a long time since I've gone out, and this time we will be around MY people. Most of the time we go out, (which us rarely as is) we are around my fiance's friends and/or coworkers. I'm excited about everything. Ready to get all made up and get HOTTTTTT . I wanna dance and drink a little and take a moment to remember that I am not JUST a mom, but also a BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG, and ALIVE woman.

I need to go ou-ooooooooh TONIGHT

Babysitters

So my fiance wants me to go to this work party with him, which will be lots of fun. EXCEPT it's a no kids allowed party, bc it's at a bar. IN ANOTHER TOWN. The party itself is 5hrs long, which would not be absolutely terrible and we could always leave early/show up late. BUT the town is 2 hrs away. That's 9 hrs away from my child. Whom I basically spend every minute with. The longest hes ever been with a babysitter was like 3hrs max. And he was younger. I absolutely love anyone that I would allow to watch him, but that's just SUCH A LONG TIME AWAY. And it being in another town, all I can think about is how it would take me at least 2 hrs to get to him if anything happened. My fiance of course doesnt understand bc hes away from him all the time for work, but hes not leaving him with someone else, hes leaving him with me, the woman who carried the child for 9 months and was in labor for 12hrs and for whom he cries out to. I'm just so sad at the thought of him being with his babysitter and getting sad and calling out for me, "momma momma momma" and not being able to do ANYTHING for 2hrs. Also hes still primarily nursing, he will take it in a bottle, but I have no clue if I can make at least 2 bottles worth in the next 6 hrs before leaving. Just having a hard time with this.

Today's one of those days

Today is a day that my husband let out his frustration about the house, and it was justified. I understand the house isnt spotless, and I dont even have a good reason other than feeling kind of sick. I'm not a great housekeeper. But I have such little space. I scrubbed the floors, the sink, the bathtub and the toilet. It didnt take much time. But it's also not super visible. I cleaned out the closet of all the loose hangers and there were ALOT. And now I'm crying because it still just seems like its not enough. The house doesnt look like I did anything. We just have so many things and not nearly enough space. Everything does NOT have a place. I'm just totally overwhelmed by it all and he doesnt understand why and I don't know how to even explain it to him that it takes SOO much effort to make myself get up sometimes. That these 90 hangers caused me so much anger getting them out of the closet and then having to get them all to face the same direction to make it easier to wrap them in this plastic so I could just throw them away. Today is one of those days where its 6pm and I havent changed out of my pajamas and I realized that I havent eaten anything but break fast. Today is a day I'm realizing I don't know a single person in my life THATS NOT PREGNANT who doesnt have a vice and is seemingly enough living happily. I very rarely drink. I dont smoke cigarettes anymore, I havent smoked pot in a long time, I dont take pills other than medicine when I need it. Today is a day I dont feel like calling/ texting my friends for advice or help or just to talk to me bc I dont feel like being the first person to reach out AGAIN. Today is a day I'm ready to be done with.

A little help?

Hey friends, so as I've stated before I'm working on my NaNoWriMo, anyway so it's about a person, who has died (multiple times) and comes back as a different person. Originally she was a woman, and both her current and most recent bodies have been women, however I have mentioned that she has been a man before and the most recent body had been attracted to a woman. So I suppose I'm kind of wanting her to be pansexual. So I guess I'm asking for some suggestions as to how to write this character in a way that isnt offensive.

NaNoWriMo

As previously stated in my last post, this will be my first time writing. So I ***THINK*** I've semi got like an idea, still working on it though. But it is classic nano, (brand new stuff) so maybe this is expected?

So I'm thinking about like this girl who keeps dying and being reincarnated, except when she is reincarnated, she just basically takes over a body, versus having to live FULL start to finish. Anyway but like in one life she meets the brother of someone who died WITH HER in the last life and just has this instant fascination/infatuation

Idk like I said still working on it, but all thoughts, comments, and suggestions are welcome

I'm going to challenge myself.

So theres probably a lot of yall out there in the tumblrverse that participate in NaNoWriMo. I remember back in highschool there was a girl who always did it, and by the looks of Facebook, she is still doing that. I used to love writing, but for the last couple of years i have stuck to poetry. My problem with writing stories is that since I was young, i would get excited, have an idea about what i wanted to write about, do some major profile work on the characters, but eventually when it came to the actual writing itself, I would get bored. Like 10 pages in and I just couldn't make myself keep going. The stories were just too slow and if I AS THE WRITER was bored reading it, how would a reader get through it?! Anyway so if you are doing the NaNoWriMo, than awesome. I'm all for it. I'm going to try it this year. I'm terrified. By the way, for anyone who was wondering, NaNoWriMo is the National Novel Writing Month, it's an internet contest where the goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. Its held in November of every year. Like I said, I'm terrified. The sheer idea of getting back into writing like that is overwhelming. But I'm going to try and do it. Basically just to say that I did, to know that I could. So please, keep my spirits up. Give me ideas if you've got them, any kind of motivation would be appreciated. Thanks everyone, and to anyone participating, good luck.

I am sooooo ready for naptime.

Whether August is or not. But then again I've been ready for it since 7:30am

Hes teething and screeching, not crying, SCREECHING. Like a pterodactyl. I need an ibuprofen and a nap.

OMFG YOU GUYS!

So since BEFORE August was born, I have been looking for a book. It was a story book that I had from when I was little. Big thick ass purple book FULL of stories and all the characters were animals. But I basically only remembered 2 of the stories within this bigass book; henny penny, and this other story WITH A NAME I COULDNT FUCKING REMEMBER. Idk if you've ever tried searching for a book that you dont remember the title or the author, but forreal it's harder than searching for a movie or TV show. Anyway so before he was born, I SCOWERED the internet for any trace of this book. Go ahead google the phrase "thick purple book of childrens stories" I went through DOZENS of pages looking. Went to a couple sites that are for this exact purpose. CAME UP WITH NOTHING. Gave up. Since hes been alive, I still look every now and then. Today I got a wild hair and tried again. For an hour. BUT THEN i had a fucking epiphany, I started searching for the story I couldnt remember that was WITHIN the purple book. Somehow I magically pulled the name "ginger" out of my ass and found the title "the tale of ginger and pickles" THANK YOU WIKIPEDIA YOU SLY BITCH. And so from there I see that this book is followed by another that sounds familiar and preceded by ANOTHER that I remember. (Ps guys, the author is beatrix potter aka, peter rabbit) so now I'm searching for her collections and you guys I

FUCKING.

FINALLY.

FOUND.

IT.

Ok ready to talk halloween. Firstly it is my FAVORITE time of year so even pregnant last year I dressed up. I am SOO stoked for the next couple of years that I can do FAMILY COSTUMES!!!! And I'm fully aware I only get a couple years to do that before he starts wanting to be independent and wants to actually pick his own costume and I have to either give up the reigns and base my costume around his, which is possible, or I have to let him do his thing and I can just not dress up be whatever I want.

Now this year... it's August's FIRST halloween which is SUPER EXCITING. Except... it's not. See, although I can fully dress him up as whatever, he cannot REALLY do much halloween wise. He doesnt have older siblings or cousins here, so no real reason to take him trick or treating since he also cant eat candy and *!*!*!* IM NOT JUDGING YOU GUYS*!*!* but I dont to be the mom taking her OBVIOUSLY TO SMALL TO CONSUME CANDY child trick or treating just so I can get the candy and walk around. ***Also we SORT OF live out in the country, so theres like a pretty long driveway to get to the house, thus not really prime candy handout type of house. And as I might have said before, were not really members of any church, so I think it would be weird to go to trunk or treat.

So I think August and I will probably dress up and go to our local zoo, and maybe depending on the weather and our moods(both the baby's and mine lol)sit outside by the mailbox (near the road) and hand out candy. Also we will prob do family Halloween pics altho idk if ill post them on here or not...

If anyone has suggestions for costume ideas, I'm all ears. My thing is that when hubbs and I go out later, our suits still make sense, hence no 3 blind mice. Also my son will be 7months so he is probably not going to he able to have his face painted, more for my sanity than anything

So I think I might be depressed. And I think, at least semi anonymously I'm ready to talk about it.

As I've said before, I am a mom. My son is almost 6months old now. He sleeps very well, thus I am not experiencing a lack of sleep. I dont know why I felt the need to tell you that. Anyway. I am a fairly lucky woman, my fiance has a great job that he likes doing, and I get to spend my days at home with our son. I dont work. Which is great because I dont have to worry about missing any major moments, I was here when he rolled over the first time, and his first laugh and his first word and I'll be here when he crawls and takes his first step. I am so so VERY lucky to have that opportunity, because not everyone does.

But I'm lonely. My fiance works a lot, and none of our family live in this town. I only have a few close friends that live here and they have their own things going on, so I dont want to bother them, and I'm the one that usually texts first, so if I dont talk to any of them, they don't really talk to me either. Which as I said, they've got their own stuff going on, so I don't really blame them. And since I dont work, I dont really see anyone anymore, aside from cashiers. My motivation to get August and I out of the house just isnt there. I dont want to get cute, because who is even going to see me? Anyway I dont want this to be a pity post, but I feel like that's what it turned into. I had a small breakdown the other day in my car. For basically no reason. I went to the closest convenient store to get milk and a 12pack of my fiance's favorite soda. They didnt have any, so I bought milk and tried to go to the next closest convenient store, and on the way there, I just absolutely lost it. I started crying, and I had to take a couple minutes before I could actually go into the stripes. They were also out of the soda, I tried one more place which was again out and then just went home. I felt defeated and just cried the whole way home. It was soda, it wasn't a big deal, my fiance wasnt going to be mad and I knew that. And I knew that part of the reason I was crying was BECAUSE I was crying over something that made NO SENSE to cry over. All the while I'm also trying to reassure my son that "it's ok" bc he can hear my cries and feel my energy and has become upset because of it. I need to be strong for my son, if for no other reason. So anyway yeah, I just wanted to get it off my chest, even if no one reads this, at least it got said.