Feeling very alone.

On Friday I turned 27 years old. I’m officially in my late 20s. My best friend Frankie literally didn’t even text me until like 11:50 pm and that is not even an exaggeration. She moved to Texas before her birthday and I still made sure to reach out to her. She got to go out and do stuff for her birthday because like all her friends are in Texas. I’m starting to feel like her and Ben literally moved there just to start a new life, and honestly I get it. I feel like that sometimes. No one ever wants to do anything. Like literally nothing. 

Last night we were supposed to go to our friends Jess and Bobby’s so Nick could help pull a motor, but they canceled last second. Nick also told me that yesterday him and Bobby had to run somewhere to drop a part off or something and Bobby asked Jess to watch Carson for a few minutes and I guess she made a face. She also didn’t know that Nick was standing there and saw the face she made so Nick said don’t worry about it we will just take him, and she was like no no it’s fine trying to act like she didn’t just have an attitude. I have a real problem with that.They’re going to have a baby in December and she is going to realize how hard it is to find help with your kid. What makes me upset too is that I have also asked her to watch Carson in the past too and she has. So how did she treat him? She also has made up excuses to not watch him as well then I find her at Issas with my kid. Like oh thought you had to work today?

I guess my point is like how do you make friends at my age? I’m literally about to download a tinder for friends.

I feel like I’m slowly disappearing.

All I do is work work work work. I am making good money now that I am working more than part time. I’m pushing 40 plus hours every week. It has made a great difference in our bank account and getting things paid off. Nick started his new job this week and that has been a hard transition for him because he fears change. No matter how much you tell him this is a good thing and try not to worry he just does. So today is Thursday, day four for him and i have not heard any complaints yet so that is definitely a good thing. I hope today and tomorrow are better days for him. I keep trying to explain to him that any new job will be like this. It’s awkward at first and takes a lot of training and time to be comfortable. I think he fears the fact that they told him it would take him a good year to know what he is doing. That makes complete sense to me because it’s the same with my job field too. 

Today Carson woke me up around 8:30 am and so far I’ve been pretty productive. I put a load of laundry away. Restarted the washer because Nick didn’t do it when I asked him to. Did dishes and I’ve counted all my calories today. I need to keep doing this to stay on track as I’ve fallen off the wagon lately. I don’t know what my problem is. I’ve been feeling down lately because I feel as if I have no friends. I have to reach out to everyone else lately to even get a hi how’re you. It freaking sucks. I don’t know if it’s because of me or because no one wants to be around Nick’s attitude. Most of the time I think it is the latter because his attitude is horrible and all he does is talk shit about his friends. I keep telling him maybe you should find some new friends and try new things but that’s always a hard no. 

Life updates.

It's amazing to me how fast anxiety and depression can be absent for periods of time in our lives then they come creeping back in, seeking some type of vegence. Nick is now unemployed for the second time in a year, or should I say in between jobs as he would put it. He starts another new job on Monday the 26th of March. It's a surveying job of construction equipment to make sure they're running properly and sell and buy parts I guess. I really do not know. What is frustrating to me is that I am currently working one job that is more than 40 hours any given week. I honestly did that to myself though because I asked to be trained at the main hospital. I'm no longer working at the other hospital I was at because of management issues and the fact that if I pick up I'd be working over 50 hours in one week and I'm refusing to do that anymore. Then of course Nick puts in his two weeks and his boss says he doesn't have any work for him. So unemployed for two weeks. Great. He is going through a major depressive episode. I thought it was getting to the point that he would have to go to some type of rehab honestly. He went to the doctor and he has been doing better for the most part but it seems like he really wants to rag on me lately and it's getting me down in turn. My best friend Frankie and her husband Ben recently just moved from Ohio to Texas and it has really gotten both Nick and I depressed. Ben and Nick still seem to talk everyday, but Frankie and I talking are seriously few and far between. I've texted her quite a bit and snapped her but I have gotten back maybe two responses. I mean I know she is busy with her new life, but damn. I just feel forgotten lately. Friends here are Jess and Issa but we hardly talk. Jess is very back and forth with what she does. It seems two-faced lately. For example she knows how depressed Nick is then she goes to share the job he gave up and it's talking about making 60,000 a year. Like come on man you know we are struggling. I don't know maybe I'm overthinking it. Issa is older and she has a son younger than Carson and has her own problems with her fiance. I don't know I would like to be closer with her, it's just never happened. I have lost weight since the last time I've been on here. Still chugging a long just need to stay on track. I feel like the last few weeks I've been off lately. I wish I could go to KY and get my adipex but I haven't been able to 1) afford it and 2) I don't have any days off to go. I think I mainly just need to get back on track with drinking the insane amounts of water again and working out. It's impossible to get my workout in all the time when I'm working. I leave by 6am and I don't get home until almost 10pm everyday. I'm still so exhausted and it's Sunday, but I'm working this weekend too so that's why. I am hoping by the time we got to California I am down another 10 lbs. That's at the end of May so I honestly think that's pretty doable.

The less you respond to negativity, the more peaceful you will feel.

https://www.instagram.com/saxofficial/

Starting Over

Starting 80 day Obsession tomrrow

Untitled.

One of my best friends is losing her baby and my heart is breaking. My miscarriage story is on repeat.

Complete and udder idiot.

My husband is seriously on my last damn nerve. Normally I can move on from what he does and says pretty quickly by keeping myself busy but this is probably the dumbest thing he has ever done. I was cleaning the kitchen after I put Carson down for a nap and Nick left his loaded hand gun on the kitchen counter. I am still in shock and disbelief that he did something so irresponsible and stupid. I texted him and he didn’t text back and I was going to continue texting him and flipping out but I was like fuck it he is going to have his precious Sunday ruined either way by me bringing it up so I called him He as fucking usual said that I was over reacting! How?! We have a child who is climbing and getting into everything. We also have three animals and the cat is a counter climber. What if she had knocked it off? I seriously have a million scenarios running through my mind. I called my Dad to get a suggestion on where to buy a hand gun safe and I went with amazon because it was pretty cheap and it’ll be here by Tuesday. My heart is still going a million miles per hour. I really can’t believe he has the nerve to act like I’m overreacting. I have no one to vent to because they will tell their significant other and then Nick will find out I told people. I don’t even care at this point. He has a real issue and lately I don’t know how to handle him. I thank God that he is finally going back to work but something has got to change with his piss poor attitude. 

Do you ever feel lonely?

Today is one of those days that I am ready to pick up my family and move far away and start fresh. I’ve been having the lonely feeling for a few days now and I typically have this problem on and off then I’m fine again. You know what though? I’m sick and tired of even feeling like this sometimes. I know I did this to myself. Ever since high school I never had friendships that have lasted long because I’ve always committed myself to men. I have one friend from high school and we haven’t hung out in almost a year. We still talk every now and then but not as much as I like. I just don’t feel like I would fit in with her new group of friends. I also have another friend from high school who we also talk on and off but she has three boys and an older man. She goes out quite a bit and she doesn’t work, but we always seem to lose touch. 

I felt like I was really close with everyone I used to work at Hickory House, but that changed pretty quick when I resigned my position the last time. My ex best friend Michelle still works there. I’m sure she’s given her side of the story but no one has completely heard mine. What kind of blows me away about that is they previously saw how she treated me when I worked there before. She would literally get mad at me that her coke head boyfriend was hanging out with my husband while we both were working. Something beyond my control much? They would all ask me why do you let her treat you that way? I don’t know but I let it go on for much too long. 

My friend Jess is the one I’m mostly talking about today. Over the past year since she got married to Bobby they have both become different people. Bobby was Nick’s best friend and I felt like she was mine. We talked on the phone almost everyday, constantly were texting back and forth. Then suddenly it seemed like after the wedding the distanced themselves from everyone because it’s not just me who feels this way. They ignore calls and texts, say they’re showing up and never do, then they never answer their phones. I mean it’s just so rude. I always feel so down when I think about it. Last weekend they come over and hung out for a few hours. Mostly me and Jess just watching TV and hanging out with Carson while the boys hung out in the garage but I mean it was a nice change. We talked about a lot of stuff and I felt like we had a good time. At some point this week she got an iPhone and I guess she’s never heard of read receipts because now I can see that she blatantly ignores me. They found out about a week ago that her Mom has stage three adenocarcinoma in her lungs. Not good at all, but dang let’s talk about how you’re feeling! What makes me pissed sometimes is that I miss Michelle and I feel like Jess was a big reason why we also stopped being friends. She always told me how much of a bitch Michelle was to me and why did I put up with it. Now I feel like I got the shaft from Jess. 

I talk to my friend Frankie for the most part pretty regularly but sometimes I feel like life just gets to both of us. I consider her my best friend now. She always has the best advice and we always have the most fun no matter what we are doing. Her husband Ben is also Nick’s best friend and they always have a good time together too. Again I just think life gets the best of us sometimes and we don’t hang out as much as I would like to. I’ve had a really long week at work and I just told Nick it would be nice to do something with them this weekend but I haven’t heard anything back from Nick and that’s pretty typical when I ask to do something. 

Nothing will change I’m not sure why I’m bitching anyways. In other news I’m down 18 lbs. since I had Carson and down 11 lbs. since really starting to try. This is keeping me together these days. 

Stats

Weight 238.8 lbs Neck 16.5" Waist 44" Hips 50" R arm 15" L arm 15.5" R thigh 32" L thigh 31" R calf 17" L calf 17" R forearm 11" L forearm 11" Bust 46" Chest 40" 😔

Another wagon fall off.

I have not been doing that great lately with dieting an exercising per usual. Life has gotten me once again and I’m working daily and I’m tired. I woke up this morning and I could barely move my neck. I have no idea what I did but it started bothering me around 5 and then again around 7. I was able to go back to sleep until about 9:30 am thank god. Glad Nick didn’t try to play stupid and make me get up with Carson because I had to work today. I was just sitting here realizing too that I am going to be working everyday until next Saturday, sweet. I don’t understand why I do this to myself. I’m sick of it. I’m ready for Nick to go back to work so all the pressure to make money isn’t on me anymore. That’s the frustrating part. He limits spending still and gets on me when I buy things but he’s the one not working and I’m the one working hard. Yeah we also have his 20K in savings from his retirement. If we spend it all that’s his fault for not finding a job sooner not mine. 

I went to the doctor yesterday because I thought it was time to talk about my depression and anxiety. I feel like I am one step away from losing myself to severe depression again. It’s hard to force myself to get up everyday let alone shower. The only reason I do is for Carson. He upped my effexor from 75 mg to 150 mg per day and put me back on buspar 10 mg twice per day. He gave me a temporary prescription of xanax .5mg for anxiety attacks. I do feel somewhat better already but it’s the placebo of just going to talk to someone and I think my new doctor genuinely cares about his patients. I didn’t even mention it but he refereed me to an allergist because my allergies have been out of control and he could tell. He said it’s not allergy season.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the past lately and I can’t get myself away from thinking about what could have been. 

Anxiety.

This weekend we are going to Nick’s home town Ellwood City PA. This town really reminds me of Forks from Twilight. It’s ugly, run down, and the weather is always horrible when we go. It’s just so depressing. I convinced Nick to let us stay in a hotel rather than stay with his grandma or aunt. I don’t know what it is I just always feel weird about staying in other’s houses but hotels really don’t bother me. The last time we stayed at our friends Ben and Frankies I broke out in a rash on my wrist that still has not gone away and it’s been almost a month since we stayed there. I’m going to mention that to my doctor when I see him next Friday. I decided it was time to see him again and talk about my medications. A few months ago I was on a ton of medication for my migraines and depression and I was able to get off of everything except for my effexor. I’m still having anxiety attacks and I feel like I need to be put back on my xanax or klonopin. He’s had me on it before so I’m hoping I can convince him to put me back on it at least temporarily. With Nick not working and me working two jobs my stress level is just through the roof. I don’t want to bug him everyday but some times I feel like I need to in order for him to actually look for a job. He can’t just not work forever. We will lose the house and the truck and with the bankruptcy we basically have that left because our credit means nothing anymore.