3.

Whether it be genetics or my environment, I feel like I turned 12 and a bomb went off in my fucking brain— like genuinely for the next 10+ years I was mentally unstable. Like unable to control my mood, constantly depressed or anxious or both or neither , I was miserable. While I was still in middle school what made me feel better was leaving more and more into Christianity as a stabilizing force.

I do think it worked, really well, and it wasn’t sinister or manipulative. People really supported me, I had community, I was engaged in learning. I loved to read, I love to interpret, and I love you feel loved. I liked to hear other people talk about things I didn’t understand. I liked all the cooking, and camping, and living. I liked all the new people that joined our church. I remember feeling privileged.

I think that if I were just a happy kid I wouldn’t have taken it to seriously— like I wouldn’t have had a reason to be in so deep. But I feel like this concept of this version of god gave me purpose. He is kind, fair, intentional, concerned, yearning, waiting. Involved. It made the rules make sense— that’s the fun part of Adventism when you are in it the rules make so much sense, and that’s why Adventist are healthier and wealthier.

So that’s why I got baptized at 13, and I made sure I agreed and understood it all. I was so loved too— I think people were really proud of me and they saw like that I was one of the good ones. I remember feeling really good too, but also really bad because I had all of these people and i still felt desperately alone. So after I was baptized at 13 when I was homeschooled for 8th grade, I got tired of the loneliness and decided to switch to real high school where I did in fact make friends and feel less lonely but at no point did I feel any less insane.

I did,however, feel gay. which was not ideal considering what I was being led to believe. And I remember that feeling— because it was less than 2 years after I “committed myself” to this lifestyle that I was very suddenly aware of it like we are aware that the lights are on, or that the color blue is blue, or that somethings will never be the same.

2.

I was never a doubtful child because I enjoyed being Seventh Day Adventist for the most part. I didn’t like not being able to eat certain things or go to friends birthday parties on Saturdays but by the time I was in middle school I didn’t really care about any of that. Something happened in and around the 6th grade— I don’t know if it was the change in demographic of my church which comes with a change in beliefs and practices, but i remember getting like 20x more religious somehow. I became vegetarian in the 7th grade, I decided to be homeschooled for 8th grade, I (for a short period of time) started dressing a little more modestly.

I do remember that i had an older friend form church — I think in the 7th grade she started teaching me how to use my violin which turned into weekly Bible and Ellen g white literature study. I think at the time she was in college— definitely out of high school (homeschool) so at least 20. I think that made me more religious too— feeling connected to someone and being told how I’m “different” and really kind of one of the good ones (™️) from someone who was young and beautiful and kind. She used to tell me that when she was young (so long ago) she had “lost her way” and done something bad (so bad she wouldn’t say what it was and didn’t think it was funny to guess) and then somehow in that realized she needed to come back to god and get rebaptized. I was always wondering what that was.

But yes I think that’s what it was— the church got kind of conservative overall with all these new people. We had youth meetings where we would be told that somehow drums and the vibrations / frequencies were related to Satan and the end times. How the dinosaur bones were propaganda. There was a sermon where I know I wasn’t listening because I and most other people knew it was crazy , but there was this PowerPoint slide up with 2 pictures crossed out: a pile of flour and the pope. And if you don’t know we think the pope is the antichrist. Or at least I did.

I wasn’t like 100% down with everything— a big part of adventism is arguing in Bible study so no one’s expecting you to agree with everything— but I was in as deep as I could allow because I wanted to be. My family was well liked, I had a lot of friends, and there were a lot of people who really liked me and loved to tell me I was Better than the other kids (sorry to break it to them). So it was like not even a problem— I was pretty happy like that.

New account, new concept—

Hi, for the time being I’m going to use this account to describe my experiences leaving the seventh day Adventist church.

I don’t typically use the word or label deconstruction— I’m afraid people will think I’m taking it too seriously or that I took leaving religion too hard but I’m realizing there’s no other way to talk about it accurately.

I’m an all in kind of person, and I have trouble compromising. It feels like for many people around me there’s not an issue with being kind of Christian vs a devout believer, their beliefs can be undefined and vague in a way that allows them peace in their daily life but that’s not really my vibe.

The background is very simple and not interesting: I was raised Adventist from birth. I have always loved to read and know things. I loved feeling like I had a big huge family. I loved feeling loved. I loved feeling right. I loved feeling supported. If I could have left it that way, i would have, because I really was all in but growing into my sexuality and my purpose in life meant growing out of upbringing. I’ll explain the rest another day.