Cat got your tongue? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.  You could've prevented this had you not let the cat out of the bag. If it is any consolation to you at all, Curiosity killed the cat. Also, Curiosity is now back in jail because he literally kills all of our cats. Except Khoshek, of course, who is always in the good care of our dear Cecil. Shhh...don't try to speak, you've gone through a lot of shock today. Also it's not like you can speak. Or ever will again. What? We all know it's true. Fine, sorry, my bad. Geez, a Faceless Old Woman can't even tell the truth without being criticized these days.  

Dear bloggers, I apologize for my recent absence. I had the pleasure of gazing upon a beautiful, fresh, newborn child. As we all commonly know, it takes a newborn child at least seven days to break out of the hardened exoskeleton they are born surrounded by. I experienced that amazing, awesome moment where the small child's teeth finally take the last bite that breaks through the delicate exoskeleton. It was my friend's newborn Breaking Ceremony that I witnessed. You know, the test that tests the babies ability to survive and escape an enclosed space within the maximum time of eighteen days. Failure to do so results in the Sheriff’s Secret Police visiting your home and spraying you with a liquid that definitely doesn't erase your memory. What was that? Exactly. His baby boy took ten days to escape and I watched the whole event – wide-eyed, never blinking, never moving, never shifting in the slightest. Watching. Watching. Watching. We must. Keep. Watching. ALWAYS. As I leave you with this happy memory, I proclaim to you: what a beautiful Night Vale, bloggers! What a beautiful Night Vale.

"I assume we all know about the birds and the bees?" The professor said with a sly smile. But his assumptions are wrong. We don't know about the birds and the bees. The little information we do have about them is unhelpful. All we know is that they are a force to be reckoned with. And we are terrified.

Well my dear bloggers, it’s that time of month again. You know what that means. It means that this entire week we are to be extra good to our neighbors and those we meet. And if they give you cause to do them harm of any type, it's an invitation! Make sure to invite all those who wrong you this week to the Crimson Holiday Experience, where they must attempt to avoid certain death and escape the dreaded mansion that will literally be oozing of bloodshed! Happy Holidays, bloggers. Happy Holidays.

The sun is setting. Hues of red and orange and yellow settle against the hot desert sky. Today, my dear bloggers, is behind us. Tomorrow is ahead of us. Uncertainty is beside us. And I end this day with this observation: what a beautiful Night Vale.

Cynthia: I never thought I'd say this, but I think I know what's going on in your head.

Connor: Oh, well then, welcome to the terror dome

Definitely How It Went Down

Cinder: I'm the lost Princess Selene.

Kai: I mean that sounds totally fake, but whatever.

Remember that all sentences must have a noun, a verb, and the phrase ‘foolish mortals’.

Bill Cipher, probably (via incorrectgravityfalls)

What?! I always saw her as an old Oprah XD 

I wonder how many Night Vale fans are going to ignore the fact that Old Woman Josie is Latina so they can continue to draw her as an old white woman.

MBTI types as Night Vale proverbs

istj: “There’s a difference between your, you’re, and yarn. Yarn isn’t even pronounced the same way. It’s a completely different word.”

isfj: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say your mother’s in the hospital? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen, I’ll drive you over there. We’ll leave right now. Grab a coat, it’s a little cold out. I’m so sorry.”

infj: “You won’t sleep when you’re dead, either.”

intj: “At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.”

istp: “You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.”

isfp: “Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn’t a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.”

infp: "Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you’re covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you’re an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you’re an earthworm, actually.“

intp: "Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War II.”

estp: “You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.”

esfp: “On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees.”

enfp: “If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.”

entp: “Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell, man?”

estj:  “Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Also, you are under arrest. Why is your car full of limbs? Whose are these?”

esfj:  “Listen, I’m not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smart phones, thus invalidating all concerns.”

enfj: “Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We are not accepting applications at this time. Please try again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again…”

entj: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.”

With the fly-skin briefcase filled with deer

The Tan in the Man Jacket

Podcast Recs

So I’ve recently gotten into podcasts and I decided to make a list of all my favorites in order to spread the love.

Welcome to Night Vale: The first podcast everyone listens to. About a small desert community where strange and fantastical things occur on a daily basis. Comedic and introspective with horror elements. And a lot of positive POC, LGBT, and disabled representation (including a lesbian hijabi Muslim!!! A girl in a wheelchair who pulls off a heist!!! A sarcastic, British agender sheriff!!! A little African American girl who reads books and saves an entire town!!!!) 10/10 recommend.

EOS 10: A medical comedy set in in space. Amazing. It takes a few episodes to really get interesting, so if you listen I would suggest listening to at least the fourth episode. Nobody is straight, and it’s wonderful and I would die for each character. Also, Dr. Urvidian. Trust me.

Alice Isn’t Dead: By the some of the same people who did Night Vale. A creepy, haunting story about a woman driving trucks across the country to search for her missing wife. It’s incredibly set up, and so well-written. Warning: some gory imagery and description of murder. Also, WOC protagonist and pretty much all women. 

Within the Wires: GUYS. This story was incredible. The format’s really unique: it’s set as a series of relaxation cassettes that slowly reveal the history between the narrator and the listener. It’s GREAT. Seriously, give this one a listen. It’s actually really relaxing between all the bombshells about the plot. It’s also by one of the guys that writes Welcome to Night Vale, so of course it’s gay.

The Penumbra Podcast: This is another one that’s hard to describe, but it’s a collection of stories, a different one every episode. Some are recurring, but some are stand-alone. SUCH amazing representation here, and funny/creepy storylines. There’s a nonbinary bisexual MOC, a Native American wlw BANDIT, a knight with a physical disability, women with actually good characterization, and a lot more. How often do we see that?

The Bright Sessions: Basically superheroes who go to therapy. Good acting, cool storylines, a cute romance. Again, lots of representation. Realistic depictions of mental illness and PTSD. And bisexual, lesbian, gay, and asexual rep!!!

Wolf 359: A story about the crew of a spaceship circling the Wolf 359 star. At first I thought this was a comedy, but it got dark pretty fast. The characterization is great. The story is comedic and gritty and fast-paced, and I would die for Isabelle Lovelace. If you like space shenanigans and found family, this one’s for you. 

Kakos Industries: This podcast is hilarious. It takes the format of a corporation’s monthly shareholder announcements. Only this corporation, headed by the legendary Corin Deeth III, helps you “do evil better.” It might disturb you a bit though, so if you don’t like sex jokes, murder, and swearing, stay away from this one.

The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air: A weird little show by Night Vale Presents that’s really hard to describe, but it includes an absolutely wonderful narrator, the cutest protagonist, and amazing side characters. The format’s cool as well, so I recommend giving it a listen. (also the main character’s a mlm!)

We understand the lights above the Arby’s. We understand so much.

I want you to be as healthy as possible so remember these easy to follow steps to keep you well :)

Reminder to:

Drink water

Feed the monster in your closet

Sacrifice a small animal to a star of your choice

Bees

Enter the dream realm

Stretch your muscles

Consume at least 7 souls a day

My dash is pretty empty and I need more people to follow so reblog if

You can also hear the consistent, B-flat humming of the moon every night and you understand what it’s trying to convey.

You met an angel in the parking lot of Burger King who gave you a soda and a meaningful look before dissolving into flames.

You have distinct memories of watching The Video on the internet that you can determine, through the shared experiences of other, undoubtedly existed, yet not even a mention of it can be found anymore.

Bill Murray has appeared in your house, took all of the legs off of your chairs without saying a word or breaking eye contact, and left. You’re not sure how he got in or out. All of your doors were locked.

You have reached the edges of the Program where you could see the earth dissolve into pixels and strings of binary, momentarily before They re-calibrated it and a simple street materialized in front of you.

You lie awake at night unable to sleep because your mind is full, wondering what horrors might exist in the vast jaws of space that your mind has not evolved to comprehending yet.

Poppy has c

You heard a conversation occurring in your house knowing you were the only person home. When you investigate your animals lock eyes with you, sitting still and scared like wide eyed statues until you leave.

You haven’t found the heart to tell your mother that her boyfriend of 4 years is really just a sack of potatoes in a child sized tuxedo. She is happy for the first time in years, you think you will just keep it to yourself.

No one believes you about the small red cow that seems to live on your nightstand. The cow mocks you about this fact. That is the only thing the cow does. The nightstand emits a loud noise when you attempt to remove it.

Wherever you go you always here the faintest loop of 99 Red Balloons by Nena that seems to play in the distance. It never sounds any closer or farther, though some days it is in German.

Anyway this is all I can think of for now lol. If anything here applies to you I’ll probably give you a follow.

Do not be alarmed by the cameras watching your every move. Instead, do something wild for them! Please. We’re begging you. The Sheriff’s Secret Police are bored with your day-to-day activities.

Martin Luther (probably)

Martin Luther: I got Ninety-Five problems and they all have to do with the Catholic Church