My Waifu is Trash Day 6: Tracer (Overwatch)

As a huge Overwatch fan, I’m really excited to knock the series mascot off my waifu wheel. Tracer was my main for the first 25 hours of my Overwatch experience and I literally played ONLY Tracer for those 25 hours. Since then, I’ve been into other heroes, like D.Va, McCree or Mercy, but Tracer is still a fun hero to play and an attention grabbing hero for all the ads. But should we call her Tracer or Trasher? Let’s dig in.

I wish I had Tracer’s powers when talking about Tracer. I wish I could turn back time to when she was a character that really inspired awe in me. I wish I could go back to before Overwatch was released, to that original trailer at blizzcon that I watched live and relive the moment when Reaper was trying to steal the Doomfist Gauntlet and Tracer teleports in spouting her big memorable lines like “Cheers love, the cavalry’s here” or “The world could always use more heroes!”

Unfortunately, I don’t have Tracers powers, so if you haven’t been a fan since before beta, I’ll have to tell you a little secret: Tracer is a let down. They pumped her up and kept pumping with a new cinematic featuring Tracer and Widowmaker that was jawdropping, but in the end, they pumped her up until she exploded and ended up like torn bits of a balloon scattered across the ground: a bit of showbutt here and a bit of controversy there.

Currently, I’d say 9/10ths of what I think about when I think of Tracer is her butt. Her old controversial butt pose really got annoying to hear about every time people brought up Overwatch on youtube and the giant crevasse in the behind of her suit still doesn’t help… But can I be real with you for a second? 

A ton of Overwatch heroes have crazy butts.

Somehow, even though quite a few well known heroes have accentuated behinds, most of the internet memes about Genji, D.Va or Widow are stereotypes about their mains (”I need healing!” “widow pls switch”) or about how D.Va is a little chibi gamer. 

Let’s look at widow specifically since I think she makes the best comparison to Tracer: they both had feature roles in cinematics before the release of the game and they both have ridiculous cracks. The original Overwatch cinematics showed Widowmaker as agile, smart, and cool. Not only could she spiderman across buildings, but she could outwit tracer, kill her mark, and escape. A year later, we have Sombra’s Cinematic where she shows off her wallhacking skills and where she nearly kills her target despite Sombra’s deception. 

A real testament to how Widowmaker lives up to her hype is that an entire character’s design was used to show her sniping skills. The elder sniper, Ana, who’s talents are legendary among Overwatch’s veterans wears an eyepatch because Widowmaker’s resolve beat her own. What does tracer have? More skins than TF2 has hats.

C’mon Blizzard. If you’re gonna make a character who you hype up in cinematics, stick in your MOBA, and dedicate plenty of skins, at least continue her development as a powerful character that’s worthy of the hype in the first place! A little bit of backstory is “nice” with the comic story that revealed she’s a lesbian, but we want to see her use her skills in a way that really sells us on her character. So far all we have is that Sombra hacked her technology to make a teleporter and we know that she participated in Uprising. We didn’t really get anything interesting out of uprising other than yet another skin.

Until we get some substantial update to Tracer’s story that fulfills the hype built during Overwatch’s release,

THIS WAIFU IS TRASH

Sources: OW Cinematic Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqnKB22pOC0 OW Alive Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U130wnpi-C0 My year of playing overwatch and participating in the reddit /r/Overwatch community.

Excited to one day cover the kawaii kat, krab, and kid in this post.

Ｍｏｎｏｇａｔａｒｉ

My Waifu is Trash Day 5: Callie (Splatoon)

THIS WAIFU IS THE EPITOME OF TRASH. I ONLY PUT HER DOWN ON MY WAIFU LIST AS A JOKE. LOOK AT THE SUPREME GODESS LEADER OF INKOPOLIS, MARIE:

HOW DARE YOU EVEN MAKE ME UTTER THE C-WORD ON MY OWN BLOG MUCH LESS IN THE TITLE. THE WAIFU WHEEL IS TRASH FOR EVEN FORCING ME TO COVER HER. Marie is the gorgeous green gal who gives us witty and inspired news commentary every day in Splatoon. As long as you’re willing to cover the entire left half of the screen during her solo news updates, you’ll find that you’ll always be informed with the most unbiased reporting in inkopolis. Even better, during splatfests our favorite fusia fish lady performs live for all to see. Oh, and that purple squid that’s passionately performing? That’s Marie, too.

I’ve heard this CRAZY rumor from someone named “calliefan98″ that Marie had a once-upon-a-time-partner-in-crime, but lets face it… Marie is basically batman, she works alone… Oh, and because you know she’s going to live long enough to die a Krillin (That’s the Squidward for “villian”) and if she dies a Krillin, you know Goku’s going to gather the dragon balls and bring this inky idol back to life! In other words, it doesn’t matter if you kill her, Marie is gonna “Stay Fresh!” Hmmm… If only we could figure out how to bring other squids back from the dead. Maybe then we could finally put “She-who-must-not-be-named” in the garbage where she belongs. Press “F” to pay disrespects on this dead fish.

To summarize this article: THIS WAIFU IS BEST WAIFU

THIS WAIFU IS TRASH!

Source: My playthrough of Splatoon

My Waifu is Trash Day 4: Chiyo Sakura (Monthly Girls Nozaki-Kun)

Chiyo Sakura is the hook to Monthly Girls Nozaki-kun. You see the adorable redhead on the promo art with enormous purple eyes almost as big as the ribbons that give her that waifu-material look and you think, “Welp, looks like my current waifu is getting an all-expense-paid-trip to the dump.” Well, don’t call the garbage men quite yet, cuz it turns out that this waifu just might be trash.

We’re going to have to get into some details from the show’s later episodes, so click “Keep reading” if you’re cool with spoilers!

I think there are two barriers that stop us from talking about Chiyo as a proper waifu, so I’d like to cover both topics first. First, Chiyo is just about perfect, which can sometimes be a bad thing for waifus since a lady without faults might be really boring. Her only fault seems to be that she’s so infatuated with Nozaki that she can’t even speak correctly and confess to him. Now, I think a good character can be greatly enhanced by giving them faults or allowing them to make tons of mistakes, but I think that as long as the show is still entertaining and the waifu is still heart warming, a perfect waifu does not mean a trash waifu. When I look at Monthly Girls, I am definitely still entertained, so even if you’d qualify her as a “Mary Sue that can’t get the dude”, I’d still call her a good waifu candidate.

The other barrier to talking about her is that you have to see past the fact that she’s clearly into another man. The entire premise of the show is that she’s so deeply infatuated with Nozaki that she’s sidetracked her entire life to do anything with him. In order to give each waifu their own chance to shine here in the spotlight, I’ll say that we’re going to ignore any current romance the character has with another character (unless you want to self-insert yourself as Nozaki). This will allow us to more objectively compare waifus without the hangups of “true love” or whatever.

Now that those barriers are out of the way, let’s get into why this waifu might be trash. If you got this girl to like you, she’d be head over heels in love. She makes infatuation look like inskinnyuation. When she crushes, she crushes so hard she could shatter diamonds, She’s also a very proactive girl, always doing what she think will EVENTUALLY get her in Nozaki’s pants. So if you sign up for being this lady’s crush, you will get to spend eternity with her, but you may never get to actually date her. If you ever asked her out, she’d probably just explode.

My entire case rests on this one notion: she’s just too into you and yet can’t seem to commit. She’s going to string you along, clearly wanting nothing more than for you to hold her hand or take her out to the movies and yet you can’t do anything about it and neither will she. You can go on countless quasi-dates: tandem bike riding around town, going shopping together at the mall, and even watch the fireworks together at the fair, but at the end of the day, you’ll just be in an endless uncanny valley of friendship: THE FRIEND ZONE.

That’s right. I’m retroactively revoking the right for this anime to even ever be a waifu until she can show that she’s willing AND ABLE to venture outside the friendzone and into a real relationship! SHE JUST CAN’T CONFESS LOUDLY ENOUGH TO GET HER LOVE LIFE OFF THE GROUND. If she’s so deeply in love with you, she should be able to scream “DAISUKIIIIIIIII” from the rooftops, but unfortunately, she speaks so quietly that you’ll probably say the same thing as Nozaki:

I feel the same. I love fireworks.

I still enjoyed this anime, which really parallels how I felt in any of my relationships where I’ve been friend zoned. Spending time with someone you really enjoy hanging out with can be a great experience, which is why I still highly recommend this anime for showing that being friend zoned by yourself can still be really fulfilling.

Too bad for Chiyo that she is clearly too incompetent at communication to ever get a real boyfriend, which means that

THIS WAIFU IS TRASH

Source: My 2.5 viewings of the Monthly Girls Nozaki-Kun anime

Approximately how many blueberries have you eaten in your lifetime?

Blueberries are trash because their namesake color is so unnatural to food. If you saw a piece of blue ham would you eat it? No! I do not like blue berries and ham. I do not like them, anonymous thy am. Oh. And the answer to your question is about 20.

My Waifu is Trash Day 3: Zelda (The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)

I spun the Waifu Wheel and it finally landed on a waifu that is near and dear to my heart. The Legend of Zelda is my favorite game series, so I’m ready and raring to go! Let’s get the basics out of the way: 

THIS WAIFU IS TRASH

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you expect to see my rationale first and feel the persuaded to my side BEFORE I dropped this remote bomb on your head? HMM? Well, I’m gonna have to spoil Breath of the Wild to explain why she’s trash, so click “Keep reading” if you’re cool with that.

There’s not really an incarnation of Zelda I don’t like. They all have their own identity that make them all feel special and this one is no different. She’s cute as a button, beautiful, and smart to boot! Her outfits are all really cute, from her royal dress to her adventuring/engineer outfit, how could I possibly think she’s trash?

The answer is simple: her voice is dumb. Seriously! Zelda hasn’t really had a voice in a major videogame title before and this is what we end up with? YEARS AND YEARS WOMEN HAVE TOILED FOR WOMEN’S SUFFRAGE AND THIS IS WHAT WE GET? Why did the american revolutionaries even leave England if we were just going to end up with a British Zelda as soon as women are given a voice? Has Princess Zelda always been British? Why isn’t her dad British? WHY ISN’T HER DAD BRITISH SOUNDING? Where did she get this accent from? Her mom? Her mom died a decade before the story starts so why does she still maintain a clear accent when no one else talks like that? DOES ZELDA HAVE A ROYAL VOICE COACH THAT TELLS HER TO SOUND A SPECIFIC WAY BUT THE KING CAN SOUND HOWEVER HE WANTS? Maybe Zelda should make like her representative flower and go back to being the “Silent Princess”.

Her voice isn’t the only annoying thing. Her little quirks just aren’t nearly as cute as other character’s quirks. Kyoko from yesterday loved eating food all the time. That’s pretty cute. Princess Zelda from Breath of the Wild? She likes doing experiments. What does that mean? It means she tries to get you to eat frogs! YEAH. THAT’S RIGHT. She will chase you down and shove a LIVE FROG down your throat! What kind of nutjob takes a cute little frog on the ground and immediately thinks “OH, YEAH! I should catch that frog and force feed it to my bodyguard”?

Gross.

Now, lets look at how she acts… It’s hard for me to rag on her about her life since her entire duty is to be trained by her mom on how to carry the triforce and use its power to combat Ganon, but her mom died right before training started, so she has to figure out the entire training by herself with no guide. Perhaps I should write a post of how Zelda’s entire family is trash, too? Her mom dies right before training AND DOESN’T TELL ANYONE ELSE HOW TO TRAIN HER and her Dad is clueless and yet still yells at her for not doing the right thing, which inadvertently causes the fall of his entire kingdom! 

If Zelda had the balls to stand up to her father and keep adventuring, she’d be able to unlock the power of the Triforce much faster. Purifying herself at different springs sure didn’t do anything for her, she needed to show that she is worthy by performing acts of courage, wisdom, or power! But she doesn’t! She just goofs around with Sheikah technology (which was useless) and trains in the wrong way the entire time! Her mom being around would have helped, but you’d think that someone who literally carries around an object of the goddess that represents order and wisdom would get the picture that she needed to PRINCESS UP and get her butt outta the castle and save her kingdom! She let everyone die. It’s her fault. It’s sad, but it’s true. To quote Zelda on this one:

“Everything I’ve done up until now… It was all for nothing!”

Yeah. She didn’t fill her only role in the entire plot: wisdom. And that’s why this frog feeding female gets to live in the dump, because

THIS WAIFU IS TRASH

My Waifu is Trash Day 2: Kyoko Sakura (Puella Magi Madoka Magica)

Looks like day 2 is gonna be a bruiser! Up to the plate is the fiery female with a tragic past. It may be cute that this true tsundere is always eating up everyone’s favorite otaku snacks, but is this waifu trash? You’ll have to click the “Keep reading” below to get the SPOILERIFIC answer.

I don’t want anyone to end up with a chip on their shoulder about this waifu being trash (I’m worried you’ll take the potato chip and eat it). So to avoid anyone writing my name down in any supernatural stationary, I’ll go ahead and explain why I think Kyoko is a great character, but might just be trash.

Kyoko isn’t the run of the mill kind of character you see just about everywhere with no personality, no backstory, no reasons for her actions. No. Even on a basic level, she has little quirks, my favorite being that she’s always chomping down on a burger or nibbling on some pocky. I love hungry gals, so this quirk is thumbs up in my book.

She’s the definition of a true tsundere character and not defined by her tsundere-ness either. She’s her own character that just happens to fit the TMO (Tsundere Modus Operandi) perfectly. In our first encounters with her, she’s condescending to the point of cruelty. 

“Don’t tell me you actually believe in all that ‘saving people’ and ‘justice’ crap?” -Kyoko (Episode 5)

But aggression and condescension does not mean that she’s a crappy character. She needs to have motivations behind saying those words. Unlike Acerola from yesterday, Kyoko’s dad is not a rich man leaving behind tons of books. He tried to start a new religion that people viewed as nothing more than a cult. He couldn’t provide for the family, so Kyoko went starving (I guess we know why she can’t stop downing food at this point). He couldn’t get anyone to listen to his words, so Kyoko used her wish to make everyone listen. The church started to be successful, but her father found out she became a magical girl and was furious that the church attendance was magically motivated.

Kyoko’s dad burned it all down. The family. Himself. That’s what fuels the fire behind Kyoko’s Tsundere personality. That’s why she’s a flame that won’t let you get too close without getting burned. That’s why you’ve got to feed the fire and nurse it until you see what she’s really like underneath all the aggression and burns. Her backstory really informs her actions and each of the events that occur in the show really seem to affect her and cause her to follow a new path. Even her weapon, the spear, seems like it was chosen because of her backstory as it’s the kind of weapon a fighter would use to keep a distance from the opponent. I love that kind of character, so I give Kyoko a pass on being a character with class! 

So on to the real question! If she makes for an excellent character in PMMM’s story, why could she be considered a trash waifu? Well, all of these references to fire and food aren’t here because I like four letter words that start with f...

I think it’s too dangerous to take Kyoko on as a waifu. To me, she’s more than just a fiery personality... she’s a real blazing flame with real repercussions for getting close. If we look at her history, she just doesn’t seem to work well with others. You might think you can get to her caring side, but you’ll tsun be burned if you try to get dere. And even if you do succeed, you might die like the many others who fell close by her side.

Her father: Dead. Her mother: Dead. Her only magical girl friend from the past, Mami: DEAD. If you get too close to this girl, you might end up 2 yards down in the ground. Either that or when you’re in trouble, she’ll sacrifice herself to save you (which is admirable, but MUCH WORSE. You’re in for a bonfire of suffering at that point). 

You might feel a connection like none other to this girl due to how she deep down wanted to help others and wants courage and love to prevail, but with each waifu you need to ask yourself the most practical of questions... Do you want to survive? If you’re not worried about your own health, feel free to throw yourself into the flames... But just know that you’re burning yourself in a garbage fire because the rest of us who enjoy living to see another day know that

THIS WAIFU IS TRASH

Sources: My single viewing of the anime series PMMM http://madoka.wikia.com/wiki/Kyoko_Sakura

My Waifu is Trash Day 1: Acerola (Pokemon Sun/Moon)

First day and we’re starting with a real cutie! This maiden is trash for a pretty huge reason: mismatched aesthetics and story. She’s cute as a button and her personality really allows her to show off that cuteness with adorable dialogue and giggles galore:

So she’s cute. Her personality is kawaii enough… Why is this waifu trash? You’re going to have to dive into SPOILER territory to see why this purple pixie is a putrid pariah. Click “Keep reading” to view the spoilers.

Alright, so this giggling gal has a tragic past, you see. She’s not living in an orphanage because that’s where the ghost pokemon show up. Her parents were pretty much royalty and died when she was young (what is this a Disney story?). Her dad left behind a bunch of books that the blossoming benefactor still keeps in the Malie Library. But it’s not like she’s super into books or anything or talks about how her past has brought her to where she is today… oh no! She just mentions it and never dives into how her father’s passing makes her the person she is today or how it still affects her.

Not only that, but for much of the story, she’s a throwaway character that is just used to guide you through the game. Here’s some fantastic dialogue from the game:

“Oh! You’re a trial-goer! You’re just a few steps away from the trial at Mount Hokulani! Well, a few steps and a bus ride, that is. You can catch the bus from Route 10.”

“WotWaifu! You made it through Sophocles’s trial, huh? That’s really great! You can take on the next trial up past Route 11. Through Tapu Village, you know? If you get lost on your way, ask a police officer for directions. They’re here to serve, right?”

What world building. What exposition. WHAT CHARACTER BUILDING. Wow. She’s built up with this library bullshit and the orphan thing and her cute demeanor and she’s merely going to be used for much of the game as a sign post telling you what to do? Wow. What a gal. I totally see why you love this waifu so much!

Eventually she lets you in on a little secret… She’s a trial captain! And you’ll never guess what her trial theme is… I’ll give you a few seconds to guess. DID YOU SEE HER OUTFIT AND IMMEDIATELY ASSUME SHE WAS GOING TO BE A GHOST TRAINER. DING DING DING. During one part of the game she stands outside an abandoned store and awaits you to snap some pics of some ghosties for her so that she can give you a definitely-not-a-badge Z-Crystal.

After the trial, she lays this line on us:

“What’s that? You say the Poké Finder just started up on its own, during your trial? Oooh, cut it out, WotWaifu! You’re trying to scare me, huh? You’ll have to come up with something a bit more believable than that! There’s not even any room in the back of that shop, for starters! How gullible do you think I am?”

What? EXCUSE ME. She doesn’t seem to be a deceptive girl or a trickster and her lines here seem entirely sincere and yet she doesn’t even know how her own trial works? Get it together Acerola.  This brings us to our main point. Her visual Aesthetics say she’s a ghost lover. Her surroundings say she’s a ghost lover… BUT HER STORY SAYS SHE’S A KAWAII ORPHAN GIRL AND DOESN’T REALLY MENTION GHOSTS AT ALL. It’s almost like the game designers were thinking “huh, we need a ghost type trainer for the elite 4, they made her pokemon and handed off the project to the visual designers. They made her outfit and her stages and made her all ghosty, but they forgot to tell the writers that she’s supposed to be ghost themed. Her character barely seems interested in ghosts at all other than that specifically for the purposes of being a captain/elite 4 member.

All of her dialogue is cutesy and pretty reminiscent of what a Japanese idol would say and yet she is the ghost type trainer. She has this backstory where her father is a deceased rich man in town, why not use that to show us the haunted mansion her father owned where she is afraid to visit or say that she got into ghost pokemon because her father died? Anything to connect her personality with her passion, but no! Instead we get a girl who LOOKS like she’s super into ghosts, but doesn’t act like it at all. If she had Lilly’s character model and you replaced her ghost pokemon with any other type of pokemon, I don’t think you’d have to replace much dialogue at all. Her dialogue is just that disconnected from her main aesthetic theme.  Now mind you, as soon as I saw her outfit, hair and face I was sold as a potential waifu, but after actually examining this character for what she is, I think the result is clear. Until the anime gives us a better picture of how her backstory makes her who she is or how her personality makes her a ghost trainer, 

THIS WAIFU IS TRASH!

Sources: My own playthrough of Pokemon Sun http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Acerola

My Waifu Is Trash

Anyone can have a waifu and feel a special connection to the character. Anyone can then look at another person’s waifu and say the magical phrase “Your waifu is trash.” But I think very few can look at their own waifu and be willing to admit that their waifu is trash. How can there be so many trash waifus and yet yours is the only non trash one? 

The first series on this blog is going to go through all of my waifus in random order and discuss why I think each one is trash. I currently have a list of over 200 girls that I consider “waifu material”. Whether or not they are “my waifu” is still up to debate. By the end I hopefully will have a list of which waifus are actually worth the title of waifu and which of my waifus really belong in the recycling.