venting-valentine
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18 || side blogscreaming into the void, listen if you want.
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maybe my parents separation hurt me more than i thought it did.
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the memorial as an ex jw
tw: mentions of religion and jw’s
i am agnostic, but was raised as a jehovah’s witness. i never really understood anything and wasn’t very good at following the rules. i asked questions that weren’t really meant to be asked and disagree with some of the stances i was supposed to have.
after my parents split we all stopped going to the meetings. despite not being super devote both my parents still believe in jehovah.
i know my mom feels guilty by not attending since she’s baptized and her whole side of the family are also jw’s. my dad seems indifferent. he’s not an overly religious man, but i think he does find some comfort in it.
both of them are aware that i am agnostic and don’t really care for religion. i am respectful of the fact that they still believe since they don’t shove it down my throat.
now for those of you who don’t know the memorial happens every spring and it’s a very important night for jw’s. it’s where we are reminded that jesus died for our sins and where we pass wine and bread.
we’ve had multiple witnesses coming to the house to talk and invite us to go. even my mom called my dad encouraging him to go.
he did tell me that he was thinking of going and asked if i wanted to tag along. i just quietly told him “i think i’ll stay home.”
i know if i were living with my mom she would guilt me into going. despite knowing i do not believe. i remember her doing that one year and feeling so out of place.
i normally don’t care for these types of thing, but this year it’s making me emotional. it’s probably because i’m on my period, but it’s also because i feel like i’m disappointing my dad by not attending. i also don’t like the idea of him going alone. i know he won’t be 100% alone, but it still doesn’t sit right with me and maybe that’s my religious guilt talking.
i know though that if i did go i would be bored out of my mind and feel very uncomfortable. plus there would be so many people wanting to talk to me and asking about my mom. it would just be a long, unwelcome evening if i were to go.
it’s out of my hands though and as long as my mom doesn’t call me encouraging me to go i’ll be fine.
#tw religion#ex jw#ex jehovah's witness#jehovah witness#tw vent#vent#venting#personal vent#vent post#vent blog#religious trauma#religious guilt
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girls im afraid we can never go back to how it was
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it’s easy to say you’ve moved on until someone asks about them again
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i have to remind myself that these feelings will pass and that there is still hope for me to grow and change.
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what the fuck is wrong with me
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update
she responded and i’m content.
she told me how she actually feels and i’m thankful she pointed out where i fucked up. i have answers to all my questions and i’m grateful.
it still hurts, but i asked for it. i still have my regrets and will crying, but i have to remind myself that i’m still young and things like this are supposed to happen. people are supposed to walk in and out of your life, it’s normal.
i just have to learn how to be alone and work on myself for a bit. i don’t like being alone, but i’ll be fine. i can learn.
failing friendship
so somewhere near the beginning of january i told my best friend that i felt like our friendship was fading.
i started feeling a disconnect and my mental health was declining. i sat with those feeling for two months because i thought they would pass and i was afraid of seeming over dramatic.
one day out of the blue she told me that she was grateful to have me as a friend. this made me feel confident in our friendship again, so i told her how i was feeling. i was also in a very good mood that day. i finally thought i was getting better.
this caused her to not talk to me for like two weeks and then send me a long paragraph basically saying we should meet up sometime soon in person.
mind you we hadn’t seen each other in about a month and the last time we hung out i was so nervous i made myself sick.
it was super awkward and i’ve never seen her that nervous before. we told each other everything we wanted to say and made no progress.
i gave her a week to process everything and then reached out to meet up again, which unfortunately didn’t work out due to my work schedule.
i gave it another week and eventually just told her everything i felt through voice messages because i was fed up. it was lingering in my mind and i just wanted to makes some progress.
selfish of me, i know.
she responded the next morning saying she would get back to me either that evening or the next day.
it has now been a full week and still no word from her.
it doesn’t make me feel like she wants to try to fix our friendship. it feels like she’s trying to ignore me and hope that i just drop everything, which i think is a cowardice move.
i would rather she tells me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore directly instead of leading me on.
when we are at standstills like this it just confuses me and i don’t know how to feel. i don’t know whether to be frustrated and grieve or just pretend that we are still friends and that everything is fine.
what sucks even more is i told her to be direct with me.
it makes me a little bit sad because so many empty words that have amounted to nothing.
i think i just have to move on, but what i hate is a part of me is still so naive to believe that maybe she's just busy.
i feel like an abandoned dog waiting for its owners to come home.
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it’s weird to have company when you’re alone
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#friendship breakup#i still type down all the things i want to say to you#all the stories i have#all my rambles#every thought i would normally tell you#waiting for the day i eventually get to
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It’s one thing to miss someone that’s no longer here but missing someone that’s still alive, that you can no longer talk to fucking sucks.
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the painful part is you did care
you cared so much
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that devastating feeling of hearing a breakup song / heartbroken song and thinking of a platonic friendship instead of a romantic relationship
#THIS#i’ve cried so much#lowkey some songs are ruined for me#at least until i get over what we had#but i think i’ll always think of her when i hear those songs#friendship breakup#breakup songs#platonic love
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i think we dont talk enough about how sometimes some friendships just dont last, and that? thats okay.
Not all friendships are meant to be a friends forever thing and the fact that we always focus on the forever leaves us so heartbroken when we realise that it was short term.
Friendships fizzle out, you grow out of them, or sometimes you’re simply holding on to that thread that doesn’t exist anymore for the other person.
It hurts, but it is okay to let go.
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We don't talk about friendship breakups enough. The ones who just vanished from your life, without a say and any reason. The ones who got envious of you achieving your goals instead of cheering you on. The ones who got into a relationship and now you're no longer part of their life. The ones who stopped reading your messages and asking how you're doing. The ones you realized who never said I love you back, that they’ve missed you too.
k.b. // friendship breakups are just as painful
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