Another Update

Hello again!

So it's obviously been a while since i've posted here. I just wanted to post a small update since everything that happened a handful of months ago.

as I stated in the previous post, I'm back living with my dad. Things have been going so much better recently, and I'm very glad of my decision to come back. I've since gotten more comfortable using the name Damien again, even after everything that my mom said about that name and the identity that goes along with it.

Therapy has been going amazing. I've learned better coping mechanisms, especially as far as things go with everything that happened at my moms house. I am really proud of myself because of how far I've come, and strongly recommend counseling to anybody who is struggling with their mental health.

I hope everyone has been doing great since I last posted, and plan on posting more starting this month since pride month just started! (Also happy pride month!!)

Until my next post, stay safe, especially with everything that is going on in the world right now. Even though it is pride month, and subsequently a time for celebration and, well, pride, we can't forget what we are fighting for for the black community and people of color. No justice, no peace.

-Damien ❤️

A Quick Update

Hi!

So since my last post, I've been doing a lot better mental health wise. After everything that happened, I've been seeing a therapist, taking my medication again, and spending more time with friends, family, and people I enjoy being around. It's for sure been helping out a lot. I still obviously have some problems I need to sort out, but I'm slowly but surely getting there.

Also since my last post, I got my first actual binder! I saved up to get one from Gc2b, and I've been using it often for the past few weeks. I do highly recommend saving and getting one from them if you can. the material is super comfortable, and it's fairly easy to take off and put on.

I mentioned earlier that I've been seeing a therapist, and I ended up sort of coming out to her last week. I say "sort of" because I just mentioned that I've been struggling with my sexuality and gender identity for a while. She was still super supportive as I talked about some of what happened before my last post.

Anyways, I hope your day is going well, and I'll try my best to post soon!!

-Kare 💞

The Past Month.

Hello all.

So about a month or two ago, some really crazy shit happened. (Very) long story short, my mom looked through my texts and emails and found out that I was saying I was bisexual, and a few weeks after that, that I'm trans. My mother being her overly-Christian self, she obviously gave me the "if you don't stop, you're going to hell!" talk.

A lot of things happened that I'm not comfortable sharing on here, but it all ended with me moving back to my dad's house full-time. My mom said and did and threatened to do a lot of things that I wasn't comfortable with, and the situation wasn't good for me. It isn't amazing at my dad's either, but just because he's never really home.

I'm also going to be going by Kare for a little longer for a few reasons, all of which I'm not comfortable sharing here yet again. I'll still be active on here as I want to continue exploring myself and my sexuality, but I won't really be as active as I promised. I will still be here though. If anyone needs to talk about literally anything, my messages are always open.

The moral of this story is just that if you're in a situation you aren't comfortable in, leave the situation. If you aren't in a position where it would be safe, I'll be leaving some hotlines you can call for help. Please always stay safe.

I hope all of you have an amazing rest of your day, despite my month being shitty. (Also, for anyone who may be concerned, everything is sort of calming down in my life now. I just wanted to get out the reason I haven't been active.)

-Kare ❤️

National Domestic Violence Hotline/ child abuse/ sexual abuse - (800)-799-7233

Rape, sexual assault, abuse and incest national network - (800)-656-4673

Dating abuse & domestic violence - (866)-331-9474

Child abuse - (800)-422-4453

Runaways, homeless, and at-risk youth - (800)-786-2929

Emergency services - 999

My First "Binding" Experience

This post will be a little bit short, but I wanted to write it down nonetheless.

Just two or so days ago I was searching around the internet for trans tips and tricks. Most of them had to do with alternative binding methods or ways to make your chest look more flat, which is fortunate for me as I don’t own a binder. The most common alternative was using a few sports bras. I tried this and holy shit it worked absolute wonders.

I only went a few hours with my “homemade” binder on, but those few hours were the most confident few hours I’ve ever had. I’ve hidden under big hoodies before and been fine, but it’s pretty hot where I live which, obviously, makes it hard to wear sweaters. Not that wearing three sports bras helps the sweating, but it makes wearing tank tops much easier. No one really noticed either, which is also an upside.

This little alternative really helped my dysphoria, and boosted my confidence like literally nothing else I’ve tried. The same rules apply as a regular binder; don’t sleep in it, exercise in it, or wear it for an extended period of time without breaks. It’s a fairly cheap alternative, especially if you already have sports bras at your disposal.

Hopefully this helps some of my fellow cheap people!!

-Kare

Coming Out.

I’m a little late in posting this, but I wanted to spread out my posts a little bit.

Last week on June 16th, 2019, I came out to my sister as bi for the first time officially. Now, I say “officially” because the first time I tried to come out, her response made it seem like she wanted me to rethink my decision. It took me a while to finally get confident again, so I just held off coming out to anyone in real life for a long time.

The first time I came out to my sister (who is the only member of my family who accepts the community), it was over text about a year ago. I hadn’t been feeling well that day and a lot of thoughts were weighing me down, and I needed to get this off of my chest. So I called her over Face Time on my phone, and we talked about random stuff for a bit. When I started to say something about it, I could physically feel the vomit rising in my stomach. I wasn’t sure at all how she would take this, and my anxiety was through the roof. So I decided to text her instead.

I hung up the call and started to type something up, but couldn’t find the right words. I ended up sending her a link to Dodie’s coming out song, “I’m bisexual - a coming out song!” on YouTube. She got the gist and told me that she figured that’s what was on my mind. A few texts later, she said that she accepted me, but also questioned whether it was because of something that a lot of celebrities were doing. I took that as her trying to keep me straight, and told her that I would “rethink it.”

Flash-forward to the 16th of June. I’m driving home with my sister and we’re talking about things, something we normally do on our drives. I bring up that I recently found out that our cousin may be gay or bi, and also Dan Howell and Eugene Lee Yang’s coming out videos. She then proceeded to ask me where I am in terms of my sexuality. I’m obviously surprised, but really happy that she’s asking. Then, after a few sentences, I tell her that “as far as I know, I am bisexual.”

And I obviously started to cry. Hard.

She tells me that she’s really happy that I shared this with her, and that she accepts me fully. I’m still crying, but I thank her through the tears. I’d never told anyone that out loud, just over text, so saying that out loud was a really big step for me. She messaged me just yesterday on the 21st and said that she’s honored that she’s the one I chose to come out to, and that if I need help if I come out to the rest of my family that she’d be there for me. I’m really lucky to have at least one accepting person in my life right now. I’m not sure how well she’ll take my being trans if I ever tell her, but I guess it will happen eventually.

Long story short, it helps to have someone that you can trust. Whether it’s a friend, a coworker, or a family member. Just having someone that you can fall back on if you need something is such a relief. It does get better, I promise.

-Kare

My Story.

I know that my last post was a little “Hello! Welcome!” sort of post, and I wanted to put my whole backstory on a different post. So, that’s what this is! I’ll just be recounting my story up until now.

I was taught from a very young age that homosexuality is a sin. That all people who even so much as question their sexuality would have an express ticket to hell. I remember once acting like a male character for a joke, and saying something along the lines of “I like to hit on girls” or some shit. My mom found the clip I recorded for the joke and had a literal two hour conversation with me about how “your brother is dating a girl, and your sister is dating a boy.” She would then have me repeat that same sentence until she thought it was ingrained in my brain. I was around the age of 7.

Fast forward to March, 2018. My best friend had came out as bisexual, another one of my friends came out as pan, another as gay, and so on and so forth. I had been on the internet for a while, and knew my way around twitter fairly well. Seeing that I was on twitter quite frequently, the terms “bisexual” and “pansexual” had floated around plenty, both of them viewed as labels for people who were just confused or greedy or selfish. I had no idea what either of them actually meant, but after I looked into them a little bit more I found out that I was indeed bisexual.

I thought for a while that once you found a label that that was it. For a while, I stuck with the label bi. I just felt like something still wasn’t right. I knew I wasn’t straight, but I wasn’t fully gay either. Then what’s the problem?

I never had a problem being born a girl. I did enjoy feminine things: dolls, dresses, makeup- but I also had an attraction toward more masculine things. I always enjoyed playing video games more than playing dress up, Hotwheels more than Barbies. I always just assumed that I was a tomboy, until that next month or so after discovering my sexuality.

I then did some research on gender, and the dysphoria that often accompanies it. I realized that I had most of the symptoms, and so tried to find a label that felt right to me. I settled in with non-binary for quite some time, up until maybe April of this year (2019). I did try out gender fluid for a bit as well, but it still didn’t feel quite right. I knew that I definitely wasn’t just female or male (or so I thought), but I didn’t know what label felt right to me. I tried out they/them, then being pronoun indifferent, then just she/they- it was quite a wild ride. Near the beginning of May, I had a thought that maybe I was transgender after all. Not fully, but I did realize that I had a disconnect from my birth gender of female. So for about another month I tried using the pronouns of he/them, and it made me feel a lot better than any of the other combinations I had tried in the past. But there was still something wrong, I just had no idea what it was.

Until now, I couldn’t see that I was trying to hold onto the part of myself that wouldn’t disappoint my family- my femininity. I figured that even if I was bi, if I was still at least a little bit female, my family wouldn’t be as mad. I realize how much pain this has been causing me in the past. I’ve forced myself to wear dresses when I’d rather be in a t-shirt and jeans. I’ve put makeup on to cover the bags under my eyes from late-night panic attacks I had the previous night. I was trying to cover up everything that would make me a disappointment, and I was forcing myself to be fine with it.

So that brings us to today. For the past month or so I’ve been using the pronouns he/him full time. I’ve been happier than I have been in a very long time. When I look at myself in the mirror I see myself- a healthy, happy, fresh-faced boy. I’m still a very far way away from getting testosterone, top surgery, and maybe even full on gender reassignment surgery.

I am currently in the process of finding a new name; one that isn’t so connected to my birth name (I’ve used Kare as a nickname since I thought I was non-binary). So far my best ideas have been Damien, Ethan, and Sebastian. I may end up choosing one of those, or maybe even something different.

I have absolutely no idea what will follow, but I look forward to sharing my next story!

-Kare

Hello!

So, I guess this is an official greeting from me, Kare (for now), the owner of this here blog. Howdy. Again, my name is Kare, but that is definitely subject to change. I’m 15, a Capricorn, and very much trans. I haven’t known for a super long time, but I wanted to start this blog early so I can write every possible thing I can about my journey.

Essentially, this blog is going to be here to document my little journey of my transition as a female to male trans guy. I’ll be writing out my personal experiences and events mostly for personal use first so I can look back on my journey, and also to inspire others to share their stories. Being trans in this day and age isn’t always a walk in the park, and there are so many brave people out there striving to make the world safer for us and others in the LGBTQ+ community.

I hope that once I officially start posting, this will help me (and hopefully many other wonderful people) through my transition. It’s already been hard, and I’m sure that I’ll reach plenty more obstacles on my way to my goal. I hope to post on here at least once or twice a week, so there should be at least mildly frequent posts here. I’m also new to this whole blogging thing (I’ve used Tumblr before, just not for actual blogging), so if my writing is a little bad, please bear with me! 

I look forward to the adventures and stories I’ll be able to tell on here!