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So like. There's the story of Robert Landsberg, a photographer who died in the eruption of Mount St. Helens. He realized that, for as close as he was to the approaching ash cloud, he was already dead, so he covered his camera with his body to preserve the photos. To me, that represents an almost unimaginable courage- to accept the futility of resisting one's own gruesome death so swiftly there is time to commit one last meaningful act, to save what can be saved.

I come from a worldview of linear time being a subjective rather than objective reality, of the future having already happened, and of our control over our own fates while alive being very limited or nonexistent. Every thing was as good as broken before it was built, every sandwich has been already disgested since before the invention of bread, the hour and cause of every human being's death has been set since before they were born.

Althhough that's not the main reason I've struggled to gain a sense of agency in my own life I'm sure it's been an influence. But rather than try to change my interpretation of facts about how time and the material universe work, which might be its own exercise in futility, my inner experience seems to tilt on the axis of how I approach the inevitable.

There's a hypothetical that pops up on a lot of forums and social media threads where bored people shoot the shit, which is if you could know the exact time and cause of your death, would you want to know? I always scroll through those with immense surprise at just how many people say they'd rather not. If you include the people who say they'd prefer not for their own sake, but would selflessly choose to know so their families could prepare, it seems to be that about 60% of people would rather not have foreknowledge of their own death.

I always struggle to understand the reasons for not wanting to know, because to me the answer seems so obvious. Of course I'd want to know. I usually make some joke about how knowledge is power and my villainous heart craves power, because the truth isn't exactly light forum fare.

Truth is if I knew my cause of death and whether or not it was a hate crime, I'd never tone down my queerness again. I'd never again be worried when I'm in the woods at night and hear a twig snap that makes me wonder if a murderer is following me. I'd get on airplanes without wondering about cuts to the maintenance budget. Basically, I'd live fearlessly- perhaps even in whatever thing I knew would eventually kill me, because I would know no amount of caution could avert it.

And the lesson I've been trying to integrate now as I move out of the trauma-centric mindset I've carried through my teens and 20s is that even though I may not know the when or the how, I do know I cannot change the when nor the how, at least not in any ontology which is believable to me. So I really should stop toning down my queerness if it makes me happy, should linger in the woods at night if it brings me peace, etc etc because whether or not these things will kill me is predetermined. The most logical course of action is to live fearlessly, even without knowing the details.

None of us are ever really going to outrun the metaphorical ash cloud. So come to terms with it and decide what's important to you while there's still time to curl around your camera.

It was a day that was meant to, at least, be a bit special.

Maybe one day.

Lesson in progress..

in my soft girl era. i want all the love, peace and happiness. i will not deal with anything, or anyone that stresses me, or brings negativity into my life.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but reminder that you didn’t choose to play life on hard mode. You didn’t choose for “simple” or “small” things to be so excruciating or overwhelming to you: No one would choose that. You are doing what you can, all while bearing a tremendous burden on your back. You are so strong, and I’m proud of you for making it this far.

cancelling plans because you’re feeling unwell does not make you a bad friend

having to go home early because you’re feeling unwell does not make you a bad friend

needing a break during a social event because you’re feeling unwell does not make you a bad friend

anyone who tells you otherwise is not your friend

i cannot stress enough how much of an impact changing the way you talk to yourself can have on your mental health. swapping out self deprecating jokes and changing unhealthy sentiments like "i hate myself" and "i want to die" to kinder, more forgiving ones like "i need a break" and "i'm trying" can make such a difference to how you view yourself. the things we say to ourselves become a part of our lives and so we deserve to me kinder to ourselves in our heads.