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this-hazbin-quoted · 3 days

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Lilith: I would let that realm burn if it wasn't where I kept my stuff.

Adam: What about your daughter?

Lilith: I said my stuff!

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this-hazbin-quoted · 4 days

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I have a gun, so I'm in charge. Many governments around the world function on this principle, and some of them even last months!

– Valentino

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this-hazbin-quoted · 4 days

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Husk: I'm peeling those sour gummy strips into long strings and putting them in energy drinks to make something I am going to call "battery acid spaghetti." Will return soon with the results.

Husk, later: Don't do this.

Alastor: At what point did that sound like a good idea?

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this-hazbin-quoted · 4 days

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Rosie: Hey, where’s that person I introduced you to?

Alastor: We had an argument. Theyre in the garden.

Rosie: I was just out there but I didn’t see them.

Alastor: Dig deeper.

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this-hazbin-quoted · 14 days

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*Alastor, watching Lucifer enter the bar wearing fancy clothes*

Alastor, sad: I see you have a date. Who's the lucky person?

Lucifer: …

Lucifer: I forgot to ask you out, didn't I?

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this-hazbin-quoted · 16 days

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Niffty: That's when I thought to myself, "Don't think, Niffty. Act!"

Alastor: So you weren't thinking?

Niffty: Not at all.

Niffty: I cannot emphasise enough how little I was thinking.

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this-hazbin-quoted · 16 days

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Angel Dust, in the hospital: Blood loss? No, I know where it is. It’s on the floor back at the warehouse

Charlie: Angel, the blood is supposed to be inside you!

Alastor, in the next bed: Mines inside me!

Charlie: Al, you have internal bleeding! That’s not good!

Niffty, concussed in bed on the other side of Alastor: But you said the blood is supposed to be on the inside Charlie! You’re impossible to please!

Charlie: *exhausted groan*

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this-hazbin-quoted · 17 days

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Angel Dust: Thank you for inviting me to Al's wedding today, Miss Rosie.

Rosie: Yes, it’s no problem, dear

Angel Dust: This is probably a stupid question, but who is Alastor marrying? I haven’t seen them?

Mimzy: You. You’re the fiancé. This is your wedding with Alastor!

Angel Dust: Wait, what?

Mimzy: There’s your officiant. This is your wedding ring. I suggest taking him somewhere far, far away for your honeymoon.

Rosie: For a week!

Mimzy: Here’s some money, make it two!

Alastor, walking in: Oh! This is beautiful! Who’s having a wedding today?

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this-hazbin-quoted · 18 days

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Charlie: They say if you seek revenge, you should dig two graves.

Alastor: That's a stupid fucking quote.

Alastor: I'm going to kill way more than two people.

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this-hazbin-quoted · 18 days

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Vaggie: We can have a nervous breakdown later. Everyone get it together.

Husk: Ok but when we do have our nervous breakdowns I'm going first.

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this-hazbin-quoted · 22 days

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Valentino: Can Velvette come live with us?

Vox: Of course she can, we just have to wait for her lease to finish up first.

Velvette: Wait a second, don't I get an opinion?

Vox & Valentino: No.

Velvette, pouting: Fine. Not like I would've said no or anything.

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this-hazbin-quoted · 29 days

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Vaggie: The war and injury have left me a sad and lonely women.

*Charlie enters*

Vaggie: What are you doing here?

Charlie: I'm the sad and lonely women the war and injury have left you.

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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month

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Alastor: What do we do now? What happens now, you and me? Charlotte?

Charlie: Go to heaven.

Alastor: Fair enough. Absolutely fair enough.

[starts to leave]

Charlie: Al? You asked me what we're going to do. I told you: we're going to Heaven.

Alastor: You're going to help me?

Charlie: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Alastor: Because of what I did, I...

Charlie: You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust. You betrayed our friendship. You betrayed everything I stand for... you let me down!

Alastor: Then why are you helping me?

Charlie: Why?

Charlie: Do you think that I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?

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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month

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Carmilla: I told the girls I got tea and they asked if it was ‘herbal or verbal’.

Zestial: *snorts*

Clara, from the other room: A LOVING MOTHER WOULD SHARE THE GOSSIP FROM HER WORK WITH HER CHILDREN!

Carmilla: You know most the ‘gossip’ is classified!

Odette: SO? THATS THE BEST KIND

Zestial: They’re right, you know.

Carmilla: Stop encouraging them!

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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month

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Velvette: I don't want to get a job.

Velvette: I want someone to pat my head and tell me that I'm cute!

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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month

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Adam, wrapping an arm around Lute: Me and the bad bitch I pulled by being a vampire.

Lute: Just because you came back from the dead doesn’t mean you’re a vampire.

Vaggie: Those bite marks on your neck might beg to differ, Lute.

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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month

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Niffty: Why is helping someone bury a body the standard for true friendship?

Alastor: It's just a saying that you're in it together no matter what.

Husk: I'm all for that. I'll hide evidence, bribe people, lie to whoever I need to, but I am not digging a hole in the ground.

Alastor: Why is that the something you wouldn't do?

Husk: Too much work. Sounds exhausting.

Niffty: Agreed.

Angel Dust raises his hand: I've done all of that. It ain't that bad.

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