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this-hazbin-quoted · 3 days
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Lilith: I would let that realm burn if it wasn't where I kept my stuff.
Adam: What about your daughter?
Lilith: I said my stuff!
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this-hazbin-quoted · 4 days
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I have a gun, so I'm in charge. Many governments around the world function on this principle, and some of them even last months!
– Valentino
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this-hazbin-quoted · 4 days
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Husk: I'm peeling those sour gummy strips into long strings and putting them in energy drinks to make something I am going to call "battery acid spaghetti." Will return soon with the results.
Husk, later: Don't do this.
Alastor: At what point did that sound like a good idea?
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this-hazbin-quoted · 4 days
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Rosie: Hey, where’s that person I introduced you to?
Alastor: We had an argument. Theyre in the garden.
Rosie: I was just out there but I didn’t see them.
Alastor: Dig deeper.
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this-hazbin-quoted · 14 days
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*Alastor, watching Lucifer enter the bar wearing fancy clothes*
Alastor, sad: I see you have a date. Who's the lucky person?
Lucifer: …
Lucifer: I forgot to ask you out, didn't I?
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this-hazbin-quoted · 16 days
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Niffty: That's when I thought to myself, "Don't think, Niffty. Act!"
Alastor: So you weren't thinking?
Niffty: Not at all.
Niffty: I cannot emphasise enough how little I was thinking.
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this-hazbin-quoted · 16 days
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Angel Dust, in the hospital: Blood loss? No, I know where it is. It’s on the floor back at the warehouse
Charlie: Angel, the blood is supposed to be inside you!
Alastor, in the next bed: Mines inside me!
Charlie: Al, you have internal bleeding! That’s not good!
Niffty, concussed in bed on the other side of Alastor: But you said the blood is supposed to be on the inside Charlie! You’re impossible to please!
Charlie: *exhausted groan*
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this-hazbin-quoted · 17 days
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Angel Dust: Thank you for inviting me to Al's wedding today, Miss Rosie.
Rosie: Yes, it’s no problem, dear
Angel Dust: This is probably a stupid question, but who is Alastor marrying? I haven’t seen them?
Mimzy: You. You’re the fiancé. This is your wedding with Alastor!
Angel Dust: Wait, what?
Mimzy: There’s your officiant. This is your wedding ring. I suggest taking him somewhere far, far away for your honeymoon.
Rosie: For a week!
Mimzy: Here’s some money, make it two!
Alastor, walking in: Oh! This is beautiful! Who’s having a wedding today?
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this-hazbin-quoted · 18 days
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Charlie: They say if you seek revenge, you should dig two graves.
Alastor: That's a stupid fucking quote.
Alastor: I'm going to kill way more than two people.
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this-hazbin-quoted · 18 days
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Vaggie: We can have a nervous breakdown later. Everyone get it together.
Husk: Ok but when we do have our nervous breakdowns I'm going first.
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this-hazbin-quoted · 22 days
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Valentino: Can Velvette come live with us?
Vox: Of course she can, we just have to wait for her lease to finish up first.
Velvette: Wait a second, don't I get an opinion?
Vox & Valentino: No.
Velvette, pouting: Fine. Not like I would've said no or anything.
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this-hazbin-quoted · 29 days
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Vaggie: The war and injury have left me a sad and lonely women.
*Charlie enters*
Vaggie: What are you doing here?
Charlie: I'm the sad and lonely women the war and injury have left you.
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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month
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Alastor: What do we do now? What happens now, you and me? Charlotte?
Charlie: Go to heaven.
Alastor: Fair enough. Absolutely fair enough.
[starts to leave] 
Charlie: Al? You asked me what we're going to do. I told you: we're going to Heaven. 
Alastor: You're going to help me?
Charlie: Well, why wouldn't I help you?
Alastor: Because of what I did, I...
Charlie: You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust. You betrayed our friendship. You betrayed everything I stand for... you let me down!
Alastor: Then why are you helping me?
Charlie: Why?
Charlie: Do you think that I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?
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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month
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Carmilla: I told the girls I got tea and they asked if it was ‘herbal or verbal’.
Zestial: *snorts*
Clara, from the other room: A LOVING MOTHER WOULD SHARE THE GOSSIP FROM HER WORK WITH HER CHILDREN!
Carmilla: You know most the ‘gossip’ is classified!
Odette: SO? THATS THE BEST KIND
Zestial: They’re right, you know.
Carmilla: Stop encouraging them!
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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month
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Velvette: I don't want to get a job.
Velvette: I want someone to pat my head and tell me that I'm cute!
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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month
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Adam, wrapping an arm around Lute: Me and the bad bitch I pulled by being a vampire.
Lute: Just because you came back from the dead doesn’t mean you’re a vampire.
Vaggie: Those bite marks on your neck might beg to differ, Lute.
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this-hazbin-quoted · 1 month
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Niffty: Why is helping someone bury a body the standard for true friendship?
Alastor: It's just a saying that you're in it together no matter what.
Husk: I'm all for that. I'll hide evidence, bribe people, lie to whoever I need to, but I am not digging a hole in the ground.
Alastor: Why is that the something you wouldn't do?
Husk: Too much work. Sounds exhausting.
Niffty: Agreed.
Angel Dust raises his hand: I've done all of that. It ain't that bad.
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