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thenameisbinx · 3 years

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Truths

I've been thinking a lot of about this. These are facts of my life i cannot avoid let alone explain to anyone. It's somewhat connected to what i've been going through these past few years but only now do i want to let it go and be free.

I met a guy. Can you believe it? his smile resembles the guy in my dreams. the guy in my dreams also wanted to do everything he claims he can do. He's the highlight of my very dull and boring day. I've written before that i don't work anymore and just take care of everyone in this house. Since i met him, he gave me the light to finally want out.

All my life, it's always them. Either family or friends, they come first. I act for their convenience, their benefit. It's about work or loyalty or even finance. In my mind, they should be the top priority. These past few years, all i wanted to do is what I want. Unfortunately, not to its fullest. I go home when they want me to, i go them when they're free or in need of company, obedience is the term, i guess.

Just three days ago or before three days ago, it was always because it's their house their rules. Suddenly, it dawned on me. If i don't act on my own selfishness, then how will i get the hell out of here? How will i stand on my own two feet if i dont defile them? My whole life has been all about them. So how?

Truth, I am the youngest. Sacrificed my career to take care of a child that isn't mine. Depended on by a family who are unappreciative, unapologetic, and down right selfish. I must not be selfish for the sake of them. Yet, i call them my personal hell. It's depressing. I'm completely and utterly sorry for myself because i am caged to do anything for them with my own conviction. I am sad.

Meeting this man, opened my eyes into the various possibilities i could pursue. The ability to be selfish to be somewhere else, in a different country with freedom i can never have in this house. What if i just go? what if i just leave? the ifs pile up. Then, i told myself, i need to convince them to set me free because i've never asked for anything else in my life.

I'm not materialistic, i don't ask for help, i do as they say, so why can't i do what i want? the freedom of choice, it's not a choice. Isn't supposed to be a privilege? the need to be one with yourself, isn't it supposed to come easy because it's you who is choosing yourself? However, in every choice i make, i ask myself, will they approve?

Truth, the fear of being free is the only fear i have. I've always said that i can live alone. I can but choose not to. i chose to stay for the sake of keeping this family together but what now? This situation is for my own. This is what i want now, to be free but in fear? How can i choose myself if i cannot decide whether or not to choose what i want just because of them holding me back?

I am pretentious, my friend said just now. in my head, i was only doing what is needed to impress. climbing the ladder to success, i was told to do so. Taught plenty of things to pursue opportunities that will benefit the rest of the family. Now, my potential is going down the drain not because i'm wasted in this house, but because i choose not to work. I want to write. that is my true passion in life, i've done my part, so now what? What next?

I want to leave, never come back. The thought in my mind is that the only way to do so is to get married. That's sad. To think that only a man can save me from this hell even when i know i can stand in my own two feet. I'm scared. If i choose this path, how long will it take for them to resent me? No, resent away. I want this path.

The possibility of this freedom is my ticket to literal freedom. As i thought, i need to convince them that it's just vacation. I will come home and that i need to leave. Even just for a little while. It's a getaway from all the stress they've put me through all these years and these many months. I know, my mom can't understand that because she'll say that she went through the same thing and that she's lonely too. But i want her to understand, I need this and i deserve it.

It's only a matter of time for me to leave this nest and start a life just for myself, without any worry from them. My truths are laid out, do you think i can do it?

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thenameisbinx · 3 years

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The Rant

Since the start of the year, i’ve been determined to fulfill my New Year’s resolution that is to Create. I’ve created my Youtube Channel and Facebook Page back in February and i haven’t missed a day since well, March 22. I know, not even more than a month and i’ve been lazying off. Honestly, I’m not trying to forget my resolution. I’m not trying to be lazy into doing so. It’s just-

Monday Afternoon till Saturday Night, i take care of my niece, all day all night. which leaves me 36 hours to myself. Unfortunately, i don’t use it for myself. I use it for chores. My whole family has a job they go to and get paid for. i’m unemployed at the moment and yes, i’m a nanny. Problem is, they’ve also neglected to see the importance of the household.

Sure, my mom is technologically challenged and takes a whole heap of time to make her business review, but, her down time, she watches her novelas and talk to her relatives abroad. Forgetting the part that she hasn’t cooked or cleaned in months. I even do the laundry. Cook when my sister comes home in the morning, clean the room, fold clothes, wash the dishes, pack my sister’s lunch, and look after my niece. There’s also that fact that since she’s a one-year-old toddler, when and if i ask her to watch over my niece even just for a quick minute, She doesn’t.

I have a way to multitask my focus when i’m with my niece. i give same amount of time with her as i am with my phone. Problem is, when my mom tries to do that, well, neglect. She let my niece nearly break my sister’s glasses, scraped her knees, bumped her head, fell from the bed, and a lot of other things, trust me.

I’m bad mouthing my mother, i know but i can’t help it because she’s no help these days. Now that the virus has skyrocketed to other variants and made the matters worse, the possibility of having a job, watching over my niece, and taking over the chores in the house, is completely impossible. I’ve made sure i did cook, or clean, or do the laundry even when i was employed. However, taking care of a human being with people who are either ill, old or careless, i can’t seem to see any wrong in sacrificing my career.

Matters now are worse than i could hope. people are still trying to put me in jobs i don’t want. frankly, i don’t want to work anymore. I’m happy with my situation right now but i go wild and crazy when i don’t get to savor my supposedly 48 hours of peace. AS in, bat shit crazy and impatient when i’m doing the chores or watching my niece, when someone else in the house can do that? i can kill someone.

It’s true. The peace i have now was worth everything i lost because my passion is resonating from me. Even when i havent posted in tumblr for awhile, doesn’t mean im not writing. I’m trying to finish my first novel. Imagine. i started to write it around august, only wrote a chapter, by the time my resolution was set, i was in chapter 4. now i’m in chapter 16. days are passing, really fast, i regret not having to write on the weekdays but i can’t focus if there are priorities to place first.

solid fact, i am an unemployed, devoted ninang, who is taking care of one niece, and four other adults who cannot function without me. My talents and knowledge has surpassed home life. I can be a maid, an on-call tech support, a kindergarten teacher, a chef, a laundromat, a technician, a seamstress, a hairdresser, a manicurist, the list goes on.

ranting shouldn’t be a thing when you have friends well, that’s the other truth. i’ve isolated myself because i have no life beyond my truth. Can’t you see how beautiful that is? No sarcasm here, the fact that a seemingly outgoing person like me had cut ties with personal relations to better lessen my dependence of freedom, astounds me.

go figure.

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thenameisbinx · 3 years

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Where did love confessions go?

I just finished watching The Holiday, a movie about two people from two different worlds with hearts broken and switch houses for the holiday. They both wanted to disappear to forget their heart ache but they ended up finding their real love. There was a moment where one of them was about to leave and Jude Law playing her love interest turned to her and said, “I am in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery but i am in love with you.”

Our dating world has been the worst among all the centuries of courtship. people used to wait for letters of devotion through mail that could’ve taken months to receive. Women married at 14 years old to men beyond their years just because he was captivated by their beauty. Women used to dream about men’s sweeping them off their feet, literally, to see if life would be as lovely as they dreamt. Sure, the 70′s has given us a turning point as all men and women were free to express themselves to other point of views, e.i. love men as men, love women as women, gender has no problem. Back then, it was easier to fear expressing yourself than the fear of rejection.

Think about it. People now lack the confidence to even try to get rejected. They’re right, dating now is a game. A competition in which who ever cared less is the winner. The one who never gets their heartbroken wins all the hearts and will never taste their bitter achievements unless they forget their entitlement. Why is that? better yet, why play the same game?

After getting off the phone with a friend of mine, i mentioned, “Anyone can be chivalrous, anyone can be a gentlemen, but no one can be honest enough to just say, ‘hey, i like you.’” admittedly, i think i’m the only person i know that says that in the first date. The thing is though, i have never had a love confession as forward as that.

there’s always a love story. Starting from High School, college, a next door neighbor, other worldly meetings, but never about a confession. Dating now is always implied. You never have to confess or to be honest because if you don’t understand, didn’t catch on to the implication, it just means you don’t feel the same. Why does it seem that the dating world is being control by the male incapability of expression? it’s a trend. Blunt about their intentions but not their feelings. Honest about what they want but not what they would want to want in the future. Living in the now, makes tomorrow impossible and unpredictable. You date now, he dates her tomorrow, he goes to another the day after, then back to you like a cycle and he wasn’t even thinking about you until he got blown off by another.

I mean, come on. is there anything else? are there more cliches in this scenario? oh yes, there is... me but not exactly. Me because i play the same game. However, plot twist, i tell it as it is and will only imply my intentions but not whats on my mind. I will tell you if i like you. i will tell you if youre fun, but i will never tell you that you’re bad company. i will never tell you i need to go because of thing, i will go because i have a curfew. I will never lie, i’d even tell you if i have another date the next day.

I play the same game but in a different way. i give all the truth to anyone i meet and wait to meet the right person. so it’s basically a clean slate every time, no repeat of moves or stories, sometimes tho. I genuinely want to get to know you the way you want to get to know me. Evidently, every date has been disappointing. Good thing this lockdown happened, or else i’d be experiencing the same scenario.

i’m tired of dating around and predicting the guys next move. Everyone is the same, and they meet the same way. I want to meet a stranger and have this feeling. The feeling of declaration of admiration. Steady enough to keep the feeling for days. Slow enough that the lingering feels like forever. Liking someone enough to wait to confess and say, “I am in love with you.”

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thenameisbinx · 3 years

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Dumbfounded

i’ve realized something. seconds before i started to type, that my life is not in a rut though it does seem like it. for months now, i’ve been devoted to making sure that this vacation, the fear of the virus, and my time with my niece would be fruitful enough to welcome the new year to a whole new lifestyle. Again, i have realized something beyond my reality.

a good friend, slash asshole, told me last night that you have to start with step 1 so that you can move on from this tiresome experience. Now, tiresome is somewhat a misleading description to what is generally played out. To confess to this friend, actually, i am not tired. i am desperate. desperate to see beyond my fear of now, because having the same path, plastered in the same concrete as my reality of NOW reminds me of when i was stuck.

The realization my dear, Watson is this... it’ll effortlessly come to me. the title of this post is dumbfounded because it felt dumb making myself worry about today. what i’ll do today, what i must do today, what i’ll do that people would benefit from, the hassle of needing to do the needful, etc etc bla bla and it just hit me. in every movie, love song, fairytale, book ever written, it just happens. it maybe shit, maybe gold, maybe love, it’ll happen. my life is not like that but luck finds me too often to not realize this now, i definitely, most certainly, needed this.

This pertaining to the lockdown. The confining experience, caged in a house surrounded be somewhat ungrateful people. now, 2019 was a great year for me, it nearly had a bad ending. Well, it sort of oozed with negativity in September. The moment i realized that the anxiousness could possibly be an illness took a toll on my mental capacity. It sort of led to an impulsive decision to experience something new. Masking the pain through a new job, drinks, men, and whole bunch of other things. I never made it out of it. Subconsciously, it’s still September.

i told that same friend yesterday that i cry in movies now. i never cry in movies. not in fear, not in love, definitely not in laughter. Every time i watch a rom com, or a drama, any moment that there would be a scene too relatable, i end up in tears. it felt like i’m reliving that crumble. I can still feel it like it was yesterday. the clouded mind, that sinking feeling into depression, the eye spasms from crying, all led to breaking down and melting into mush. To be honest, i never recovered.

instead, i instinctively got myself into situations that would make me have fun, without the factor of truly being happy. I don’t regret any of it, not at all. This past months had made me believe that it’s a sign that i needed the break, that it was timely that i had this experience because i havent had a proper break from work or people since college. This is where luck comes after me.

I am dumbfounded that the series of events leading to this moment of realization has led me to believe that the universe is the only being that knows me too well. The universe gives me what i need and i should just let it play out. If anyone i know reads this, they would say, “Impossible.” My whole entire belief is making things happen because you want it to happen and that right now is another excuse not to let it happen. (I hate you) But its a fact that all of the things that came my way was from sheer dumb luck.

dating back ten year ago, it was pure luck to get into UST. a year after that, i met a love that helped me moved on from my first love. few years after that, I had the easiest internship ever known to man. Five months after graduation, a company i never applied to contacted me for a job. two years later, i nearly got promoted. then, a Monday happened. Then, after 26 years of existence, i occupied a room that’ll be all mine. Another company found me and i was in a new city. Finally catching up to present, the pandemic happened. Now, im in my room, unemployed, basically a nanny, but i’m happy. not even sarcastic about it.

for years, during school, during work, i’ve always wanted to have time for my passions. It’s to create. Anything. At all. food, words, paintings, anything that i can just make is the simplest way to describe what i’m passionate about. i’ve started sketching again. Writing, although it’s not everyday. Reading, that’s not true though. I even made a make-up organizer made from cardboard. My passion is to just make my thoughts into reality without any pressures or stressors or judgmental assholes telling me its not supposed to be like that.

Again, i’m dumbfounded. Only for the fact that i’m about to embark into a Youtube channel that i would never have gotten into at all in the past. It never crossed my mind to share what i create. Now, i do. This diminishes my dream to be known anonymously. i just feel all sorts of stupid seeing that this is happening to me now all because of getting in touch with my true feelings. feelings i could never express in person.

Lastly, expressing my emotions, putting my heart on my sleeve has never been an easy task. Recovering from that Monday, going to therapy, even taking medication, only concluded that my walls took me a year to believe that i needed to recover. It short sighted me to find shortcuts to forget it ever happened. it’s funny actually. It took a movie for me to realize this all. I love you, Ryan Reynolds.

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thenameisbinx · 4 years

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White Noise

I’ve come to realize that recently, i’ve made sure that i multitasked. it was odd that i’ve noticed. the sinking thought that my mind refuses to move unless i am continuously distracted.

buried emotions to blind side possible actions. I don’t have the strength to act upon my aggression. only thoughts and reenactment through imagination. things that i want to say and how i want to say it, with the emotions fully expressed. Shame. I never had the courage to do so. Everything i’ve done in the recent months have had implications of pain and distraught; and yet, idiocy lurks every corner of my home. Numbness, a frequent term in my country. “Manhid”.

i’ve drowned into my sorrow since i have no income, still i took the responsibility of one’s own for the sake of the past not repeating itself. However, the consequences never gave a chance to shed light onto others. smothered with my kindness, abuse came to light instead. i am enslaved by my own kindness. imprisoning me to live my days smiling. ok with how fast the days are moving. putting a life before my own. depression weighing me down. killing me slowly.

sinking is the problem now. my thoughts and passion are withering for some reason. i cannot step a foot without doing something else. to paint a picture. my fingers are typing while my mind is completely tuned in with the music coming from a playlist. this is helping me to be distracted from the pain of my legs, standing and walking for nearly 3 hours.

there’s a lot of things i would’ve done in the course of dead months. i could’ve had a job. earned. traveled. renovated. helped. things that i should have been doing. instead, white noise invaded my mind to pause the reality of me. simple whispers, winds, music, cries, my days move fast forward. in a blink of an eye. today was monday, then it’s sunday.

dreadful. facts of life. i was better off alone, like right now. unfortunately, the white noise defines my kindness. the reality defines my misery. the responsibility still the cryptic.

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thenameisbinx · 4 years

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Short Stint

Its been awhile since i last wrote here or wrote at all. i was caught up with a job that frustrates me about me to my core because i did everything wrong. It also tore me apart from my passion for the job and the job itself. let me give you an overview on how things went down -

from my previous posts, i got sick. A chemical imbalance where in i could not cope with my own emotion. it happened during my stay in my old company. fast forward to a month later, i ended up in another company that showed a lot of promise and a lot of challenge. being it will be a given, i was up for it.

little did i know, most people leave because of whats happening internally. now, in my four years of being in a company that demanding challenge, change, innovation, and results, i got into a company that didnt care much of that except for face. or at least, that’s how i understood it.

The company believes that if you do it on your own, theres no process you need. Well, shitfaces. im a very technical person, technical in a way of compliance. follow the process, comply, and theres no problem. This bullshit of a company, ended up having the recruitment team under its shit. the lowest of the low. no respect, no boundaries. ZERO. all i itched for is to improve and put recruitment to its place, the bread and butter of the company. what more can i say, it actually is.

without the passion in the recruitment team, people will not stay. without good marketing highlights by selling the company, environment and benefits, no one will apply. Without the impression a recruiter provides, business will never trust you.

fuck it. i have so many complaints about this company that i cannot fathom the issues that it has because it’s basically an easy fix. Rapport build and improved process implementation. if i had the power to do so, i’d literally only need two weeks. a day to make the proposal, ask for approvals, then, implement the needful.

but no, i kept my mouth shut, my skills to myself, and my professionalism in hiding. i did that because i didn’t want the same hassle as my last company. following her instructions, keeping my opinions to myself, only put salt to the wound.i knew things were wrong and inappropriate. simple knowledge arent a thing. it’s like working back in 2000s, where you don’t need yesterday’s paper to base on how you hire, you only need what position that they are in.

Alas, the inevitable. finally reach point where she didnt like me. and i proved her wrong the first time. then, i proved her wrong again the second time and yet, we clashed hard enough to reach where it is now.

Today, i got notice that my final working day in that god forsaken company is on April 30, 2020. On my birthday no less, and i thank god for that. no matter how frustrating it was for the past two weeks, finally i reached my longing. gone and done for.

sad to say that they let me go and i didn’t fight for it. Everyone knows id fight for this kind of experience till the end, but it looks like, im just not cut out for her. i have more words to say about her and what’s happening internally but i guess that’s it for now. it’ll be a good three weeks, because looks like i’ll have more time to write.

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thenameisbinx · 4 years

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Cheers to the New Year

2019. One hella of a year. all i had was love, some of hate, a little of chaos, and a whole load of wildness. i met and kept new people, lost and forgotten a few, and still havent witness the best declaration. Not yet, so hoping for this new year.

i’m actually sitting on my station, in my room, with my mom asking questions about the series, Lucifer. Now, all i can think about is how much hours i’ve done. i wanted to write. all i did want was write, so i think the best way to do this is to try. i may not have been writing for a few weeks but it doesnt mean i don’t have the motivation to do so.

So this year, there’s two things i’d want. my passion to reunite with my fingers, and well, love. i can avoid my shortcomings. to be honest, yes. a little. then, with the passion. i literally need to be reminded that i need to things my way. move the god damn tv in my room. hahah.

i wish a lot of things. need to burn what i needed to. get back to my ritual. i stopped wishing nearly four years ago. just because i thought all my prayers were answered. this time, i just want to keep wishing till it does. i even forgot to write it all down. wish for everyone else to get what they need.

what to wish this time? i wish to really cheer this year. on a slow but sure note. this is as short as i come. Good bye 2019, and hello 2020.

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thenameisbinx · 4 years

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The decision is Real

well, this is a quick post about what i want to do. Unfortunately, i’ve been struggling at the fact i have no other apps in my phone except for games and messaging apps. Facebook is too relatable and twitter has lesser memes than i thought. although, i kind of like the quiet but i guess, i don’t know. it’s nearing 12:30AM and i still have work so i don’t know why im asking myself this.

in the course of three months, i havent been active in any social media apps. during that course, i was very active in dating apps. using strangers and human libraries. i’ve even shared this blog to some to see where i’m in. writing wise, i ask if i’m any good. some, well. for the hell of it. i’m not the typical person anywhere but i keep this separate. what people see in my social media, is different from what strangers see of me. to don’t let my food touch each other, a metaphor that is best to be mentioned this way.

now, i can’t stop writing. i write everyday. then again, i’m losing all interest in human interaction and i think the internet is the only thing that can keep me sane. i mean, if i have social media, i would have that moment of relief when i write. i’d be buried in memes, random videos, and posts that is just simple click away to share. ugh. i don’t think it’s advisable for me to download but i’m limited to talk to a handful of people and my alone time has quadrupled the moment i left my last company. EWAN.

one thing is for sure though, since i’m not deciding to download my social media apps, i’m going back to play Mobile Legends tomorrow morning.

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thenameisbinx · 4 years

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Reason Why

i recently met someone i like. i recently fell in love with a new job. Also, i’ve recent claimed what i owed. i can go on with my recently’s, it’s actually an endless list. But, i’ll tell you why i feel like shit.

the reason why i made sure i get into my brother’s room is to savor my peace, my passion. then again, i forgot that i have other responsibilities. i’ve said, mentioned, emphasized my duties as the youngest. need not to put it in detail. you get the picture. if you cant, let’s just say, there’s no point in putting me to a room if you need me for every single detail.

i can’t savor my reason. seems like i can’t even be alone. i needed this room as a sanctuary. i was going crazy. playing nice, acting ok, facing facts im not ready for. my feet kept bringing to places that just didn’t add up. i kept walking into trouble and places with people who didn’t care. Now, now that i can walk into a small room that did not need permission to stay, it makes me want to just leave.

starting with this room was just a step, a step i wanted to take for a long time. it became a build to settling to a new job. getting motivation, losing a bit of myself because i’m not anxious anymore. there was this lingering feeling that i couldnt shake off. Reason why i feel lethargic, tired, frantic, paranoid,... i feel lonely.

i wanted this. i need this. everything is on track, on point, according to plan. except for the emptiness that i shouldnt be feeling. sometimes, i just want to drink my sorrows away, meet new people, wander a new place, reason why i don’t do it anymore, is because i’ve done my fair share in the past year alone.

my heart mourns for the loneliness, yet i want to be alone for it. my mind yearns for the thought yet all it asks are for the thoughts to stop. my body begs for the touch yet when i’m given the chance, i lose interest. does it make sense?

i’m a walking contradiction of my own choices, of my own decisions. you know what i want? what i really want? clarity. i’ve always believed that fate can bring me to a real, true, honest person that can be mine. i’ve believed that if and when i reach this point, freedom, stability, passion, i’d find the last step. so here it goes, the reason why i’m anxious right now.

i envisioned my life at this point to be intact. a new job that pays rather well, books in queue to be read, a computer set up to write my random stories, and just white walls that makes me want to paint them with random things. if im settled, i wish to have a man to complete them. it’s a plus, i shouldn’t feel lonely. why should i? i got everything i have because of my hard work and i’ve earned it. yet i do. it’s because i always thought i’ll find that person that fits in to what i deserve. i wanted him to be real. i wanted him to want me. i wanted him to be just real enough to be around and wait.

i can’t understand the reason why i won’t just get out there. my social life revolves around my phone. talking to random people, random friends, playing games. my body or mind or maybe my heart just won’t let me take that one quick leap just for a change and i’ve risked already too many to settle for what’s happening. Maybe because i’ve met him or i’m waiting for a fictitious man. im confused. i want it now yet don’t need it. i want to meet him but im not ready. im impatient.

i said that i recently liked someone. i do, he’s real. not in my dreams. yet, some of the things we’ve talked about are too unreal, i believe he’s real. he reminds me that there are still possibilities. real, is real. reason why i like him, because this has been the only guy i liked after Mr. Kid. which was a waste of time. but there’s just some days i think if it’s possible that he and i could’ve been together.

ang taas ng standards ko sa gusto kong maexperience. i just want him to look at me like he doesnt want to lose me. i don’t believe that im every good enough to be with anyone, reason why i don’t believe that fate would give it to me. still, i can’t forget what my friend told me today.

“

Oh god you are. You are the most unselfish, loving, and nurturing person I know honestly. Ikaw ung tipong 2am in the morning somebody needs to be rescued anjan na.

“

i don’t believe people get this, because they don’t understand how my love works. i’m just tired of trying, tired of chasing, tired of waiting. i just want to know the reason why it isn’t coming...

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thenameisbinx · 5 years

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The Aftermath

After getting myself medication, i never knew i can go back to sort of normal. there are days where i am ok and then most days, i space out like crazy. right now, no more stressor. i left.

thinking about it makes me a bit tense. also reminds me that it isnt even worth thinking about. i don’t miss it. i don’t even miss going out. i avoid all contact anywhere. i don’t like going out. i don’t like talking to people. i even ended up deleting all my social media apps recently. sort of like a cleanse, i still have my messenger but only a few messages.

i havent drank my medication in weeks. i think my last take was September. i still feel different from time to time. i usually just feel like im not myself. too tired. too lethargic. there are moments that i snap back to normal real quick. until i just lose it. blank. af.

im not in the company anymore but there were a lot of residues left behind. i tried my hardest to just not think about it. even thought about having everything burnt. But it looks like its depression. i keep spacing out and i just wish i can be back to normal.

Since my resignation was final, i was sort of myself for a while. they even made me cry. it just hurts or it did hurt. being there makes me agitated, frustrated, down right topsy. Every time i was there, i felt like i just leave my brain outside the door and act as if i was ok. My heart would even want to jump out my chest. now, when i wake up. i don’t wake up for that company. i don’t wake up to be rushed, to be questioned. to be doubted or to feel incompetent.

Purpose. to free myself of that. Fear. Guilt. but it looks like i can’t fully let it go without changing. there’s changes now. a lot. i don’t like going out anymore. i’d like to just stay home and clean. i don’t watch random videos anymore, i watch regular TV. i don’t look for friends to talk to either. sometimes, to most times, i just dont want to talk to anyone. there’s so many things. so many changes. i still need to get used to them.

my question is, when will it sink in?

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thenameisbinx · 5 years

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Under Maintenance

The events of last week was already stated. Hoping that i mentioned i scheduled another consultation, let me tell you what happened to this week.

Come Monday, i was a bit too anxious with my appointment. nervous, i ended up pacing. Psychologist resulted to suggesting to talk to the psychiatrist instead. Even mentioned making me take medication to regulate.

Let’s recap “Progression” - inexplicable burst of tears, sleepless nights, lethargic days, feeling thoughts instead of emotions. my mind is usually blank. no interest in interacting with anyone. irritable. hope you get the picture.

so im sitting down in the psychologist's office panicking like i’m about to die, texting my friends that this is actually happening. i got even more tensed up. i paced some more, then the psychiatrist ended up talking to me. i told him the build up from not sleeping, to not eating, to puking, to whatever. he kept asking about how i sleep, or when it happens, do i feel it. why do i think im overly aware of what im feeling.

he labelled a few things that made sense. he said i experienced a “chemical imbalance” and that sleep would not cover it. nor trying to force myself to go back to normal he also mentions that since this is chemical, this might elevate my anxiety more if i dont take medication. of course, he added, dependency on the drug might not be effective if you dont continue with the therapy.

i’m still doing what the doctors told me, breathe, write, sleep, eat. but getting into medication is somewhat weird. he prescribed me Alprazolam or Xanax. i got more anxious the moment i read, “Prescriptions for Dangerous Drugs”. though i was anxious and afraid. i felt nothing. i just then realized that im not myself and that im faking most of my day. So i went along with it.

i came to meet up with Mich. Found myself in the drugstore buying my prescriptions. i was a bit embarrassed because of that piece of paper, and the clerk didnt make it easy. it took her almost half an hour to decide to give me those drugs or not. like hello, i’m given a prescription, it’s not even a good fake if you asked me.

Doctor said, drink before sleep and when i get an attack. make sure to consume one tablet a day, if not one at least half before sleeping so that the other half is when you experience an attack. So, i did. doctor’s orders. before sleeping. i had the best 10 hour sleep since i started lacking. Woke up still anxious though but then again, i could regulate, but not enough so i ended up drinking. i havent felt like myself in months. it’s like i got my strength back. like i was reborn.

the week went on differently after that. thoughts started to formulate in my head, i started feeling other things that panic again. now, guilt is triggering it, but i think it’s more like fear.

i’m half ok. its like that feeling that you ate half of anything, like cake, and said you’ll get back to it but didn’t. i feel like that. but at least, my cloudy mind is gone. i can look up again. i can get sleepy again. i can feel other things again but im not fully complete. i miss being complete.

what im trying to say here is, im under maintenance. still trying to survive my own problems while dealing other problems that dont pertain to me. however, i cant fake it anymore. Death becomes me as day pass. Hiding what’s real and faking it, it’s torture. i just hope i can finally share what’s happening to me. at least with the team.

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thenameisbinx · 5 years

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Progression

I’ve come to realize that i’m getting worse. i’ve lost all interest in interacting with anyone who i don’t think that can listen. ive limited myself choosing the right people to talk to. it’s like im in a bubble, with a cloud over my head and blinders over my eyes. i see what i need to do but i can’t focus. i just do it. then, feel numb afterwards.

since my last entry, i’ve made or tried to find the root cause of my actions slash reactions to things. the panic part of the “working impression” came to its worst last tuesday.

i was walking to work. i had a sudden urge to pause or stop really. then, kept going. i always heard High Hopes by Panic at the Disco for 9 days straight already and somehow, that’s where the panic started. The moment that it didn’t play, i had to immediately find it so that i can focus on that song even just for a little bit.

as i neared the corner of my building, i felt an urge to cry. my body tensed up, i felt that my feet and legs were tired and cramping. Yet, i didnt feel it much. i badged in, then straight to the bath room. i started crying. like heavy breathing, rainfall of tears, and heat on my cheeks. Full on breakdown, and i thought i was fine.

i tried to destress and made a spontaneous trip with my friends the night before, but looks like even destressing amplified what happened. i tried texting my friends, to check who was available to just listen.no one was apparently free. i took the time to just walk out and walk. cry a little, just be on my own. then, i broke down crying again. this time, it was twice worse. there was this weird energy that spread all through out my body. it shook even my knees. i couldnt take it. i had to get out of there.

so i did. tried to breathe as deep as i could. Then finally, someone was free. distracted me from what i was going through. didnt even make me work. haha. she did that the whole day. even if i was in a late shift. i tried my best to keep it up.

the next day, i felt so sleepy, so tired. i couldnt believe i was feeling that too. i avoided all stressors, didn’t feel any pressure. i focused on the task and the feedback and moved on. but all i can think of is, i can’t feel anything in my chest. usually, when i get a bad feedback, i can feel the heat coming from my heart. Beating fast, sweating even, then the defensive mode comes on. Usually, that’s how it feels.

only this time, it’s not the same. i don’t feel anything. i dont feel their reactions anymore. i don’t care how’d they react. i just simply do my job, and be done with it. nod then leave.

my body has been in a downward spiral after that. always tensed up, like i have the flu or something. like i dont sleep even if i sleep eight hours a day. Lethargic was the word. it felt that way. the ache is different though, it’s like ive gone through a 5 hour gym session, and i still feel the ache till now. im lazy, don’t move much. i don’t spectate anymore.

that’s the funny thing too. i don’t spectate. which is unbelievable. i dont “look” anymore to “see”, i just see what i can. Mostly, where my feet takes me and who im with. Spacing out became normal. i’ve sort of lost my instincts. That type of feeling.

Although, friday was an okay day. i ended up just being my so called “regular self”. the facade all shown up, soaring high. faking it till i end my day. but now, i noticed i don’t want to talk to anymore. i don’t want to interact with anyone. i just want to be alone.

i’ve denied a friend to talk to me. i didnt want to see anyone, or talk to anyone, even in chat. being scolded by my mom didn’t help either. She’s making me go to sleep but i didnt want to. i was about to cry but didnt. no one in this house knows. they’re too normal to understand what im going through. who can blame them. everyone they talk to is the epitome of normal. Then theres me.

im going crazy. i feel like ive always been in a rut. my mind is not the same, my body is not the same, i feel like im alienating my own damn self. “i cant regulate” my favorite words to date. i still can’t.

why is my body feeling this? why am i thinking like this? what’s wrong with me? am i getting worse? anyone can just get it but not fully understand it, but can anyone really help me or i have to help myself?

can i be selfish even when i have to be strong? im confused.

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thenameisbinx · 5 years

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Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe.

so let’s start it like this instead.

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are. Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted.

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along.

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff.

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate.

Obedient - submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to.

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt.

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood.

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid.

Strength - legal, logical, or moral force; degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved.

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman?

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable.

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry.

Tired - drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own.

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood.

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me.

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime.

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear.

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine.

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while.

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew.

blame Monday.

#anxitey #define me #monday #mental breakdown

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thenameisbinx · 5 years

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Why i dont give up on meeting the right love

People dont know much about me other than being the only jolly kid. The loud one, the opinionate bitch, biggest kiss ass, and the new pet name, Mrs. Google.

Though i always mention my short comings to my friends and strangers ive met, my rational and logical mindset gives off the wrong impression. My views are contradicting, making me too opinionated for my own good. At one point, id believe in both views but mentioning that they intertwine somehow. I dont believe in marriage yet i do. I dont believe in holding a grudge but i do. Some things like that.

Let me set the mood by this. People ask me why i i still trust people and yet dont trust their decisions. I believe that trust is the best way to understand a person, but its so hard for them to attain it from me. This is the contradicting part, i actually do not trust everyone. In my whole entire being, i dont trust my family. I can only trust people who truly knows me. They gain acceptance, respect, trust and then love. These four stages are the steps to getting through to me and having fully invested in you. Now, lets go to the title.

Ive been cheated on three times in a row, as you may know if youve read my previous posts. I still have that one lingering question no one has ever answered, whyd you do it to me? Then, the most common questioned asked of me, why keep trying? Why do you still keep going even when all the men (not really all) has cheated on you?

I know why people cheat. Some even use me as the reason. I also know that people have those "needs" that you dont get from your significant other. However, the matter of the skin is way far of a reason than the matter of the heart. I believe in Love. Thats right, L-O-V-E. That cant eat, cant sleep, out the ball park type of Love where you cant help but to just cave in. It may seem like obsession or possession or even selfishness. The love you cant define but feel.

I believed that all the men that i fell in love with experienced that love with me. And they to me. Love doesnt mean theres no fights, no arguments, no hurt or pain, love endures that and tests you if you are truly in love.

The thing is, thats what im looking for. That real feeling where you cant believe youre in love. The risk you take, that leap you make to prove above and beyond that have fallen. Risking the fact that everyone cheats, loses your chance at the best realest thing in your life. So why would i not risk things for me to be with the right guy?

Id risk being cheated on again. Id risk being in pain, id risk my mental health, because i believe that someday, someone would have the same thought. The same want and need for a partner. It may be in crime, in faith, and in everything else. Its worth the fight, the sacrifice, the indifference.

You cant believe the world when you have a thought in mind that this can happen. Someday, somewhere out there, someone would understand my sight. Accept it, respect it, trust it and finally love it. Me. Even if they hurt me, theyd know what to do.

Someday.

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