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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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There Are No Mistakes

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.”

It’s 6am in Ubud, I’m sitting by the pool of our gorgeous private villa in the rice fields, drinking coffee and watching my I don’t know what number Bali sunrise (a view that will NEVER get old) and I find myself repeating the same questions over and over in my head - how did I get here?! How is this real life?! How am I in Bali AGAIN after just 4 short months??? And again, the simplest and most cliche answer is still the same - a broken heart.

Last September, four months into my separation, my best friends and I were having an amazing Labor Day weekend trip in the Hamptons. While out for a morning walk with Mary and Jonna, I had a breakdown - I was having trouble catching my breath and couldn’t stop crying. Once I had calmed down some, Mary made a simple suggestion that would have lasting effects on my future...she suggested I book a session with our friend Jennifer. Jennifer is someone we have known for years but not anyone I was ever close with. She’s an intuitive energy healer and hypnotherapist. And she would change my life.

As soon as I got back to LA I immediately booked a session with Jennifer, a session that I had no idea what would entail as I didn’t really know what an intuitive energy healer does, but I was open to anything that would help heal me. Even now I still can’t even fully describe what she does LOL All I know is she’s AMAZING. And everyone should see her. Seriously.

Anyways, I was blown away after my first session with her and proceeded to see her weekly. It was through my sessions with her that not only did my broken heart finally start to heal and I started to “find my power,” a huge theme in Jennifer’s work, but that I came to the realization that I actually hated my current career of real estate and had really only gotten into it because I had gotten married and needed a “real job.” Don’t get me wrong, real estate was quite good to me, and had afforded me the luxury of taking time during my divorce to not really have to work, but it just wasn’t “me.” It felt empty and it didn’t feed my soul...And then, during one of my sessions with Jennifer, as I pondered what I was going to do with my life LOL she said she was actually looking for some help, and I immediately leapt at the opportunity! Before she even explained what she needed I said I was in! I just wanted to be a part of her work, of her helping others to heal and find their power. The assistant position almost immediately grew into business manager and now, 8 months later, I find myself in Bali (the SECOND country I’ve gotten to travel to with her) supporting her on an amazing spiritual awakening wellness retreat that she’s created for her clients.

I feel so blessed and grateful. And to think, it’s all because my heart was broken and I got divorced. That’s why I can never regret for a second what has happened in the past. All the pain and heartache served a purpose and was meant to bring me where I am today. Funny side note - an ex mutual friend that my ex and I shared, who had clearly been filling my ex in on all the changes that were happening in my life, told me that my ex had told her she was happy for me but that she just wished I could have “found myself” while we were still married...as if that would have been the answer to all our problems LOL I have soooo many thoughts on that statement, two of which I’ll share. The first being, how typical of her to put everything on me and not take any personal responsibility whatsoever for her choices and decisions. If only I had changed, then she would have been happy, then everything would have worked out LOL But again, i shouldn’t be surprised as that’s a typical thought process for a narcissist. And the other thought I have is just NO LOL Seriously, just no. Because what she seemed to fail to realize is that it’s BECAUSE of my broken heart and divorce that I ended up in Jennifer’s office. It’s BECAUSE she didn’t want to be married, because she walked away, that my path and my journey completely changed directions. I NEVER would have “found myself” as she claims while still in that marriage....

So as I sit here watching the beautiful sunrise over the rice fields on Bali, I sit in such gratitude for EVERYTHING that has brought me to this moment in my life. And that’s why it’s so important to just have some patience in your life and trust the journey that you are on, no matter what you are going through, even something that seems too unbearable to survive. There truly are no accidents in life. There is a bigger picture that you just may not be able to see right now. Sometimes your whole world and foundation need to crumble in order for something bigger and better to rise up. Be patient. And trust your journey.

#thejourneyiseverything patience trust healing findingyourpower

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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You Don’t Get Over It…You Get Through It

Hi there! It’s been awhile! :-) I’ve been meaning to get back here and write more but I feel like so much has been happening these days, weeks and months that I don’t even know where to begin LOL And then this morning I was inspired…

I guess I need to backup and explain that I’ve actually been in a bit of a funk lately…Those tears back in February when I was in Bali that I said would be the last tears I cried over my ex? Yeaaaa not so much LOL I suppose it was foolish to think those would be the last tears but I had high hopes! hahah :-) I’ve actually been doing quite well, especially given that she keeps popping up here and there in my life through no fault of my own. My life has been moving forward so fast and I have been doing my best to not look back. I’m in yoga teacher training; I’m in nutrition school to be a Holistic Health Coach; I’m part owner of an awesome new t-shirt line that launched in April; I’m business manager for my friend and healer Jennifer and am so fortunate to get to travel to amazing places for spiritual healing retreats that she’s created; And I’m working on an amazing new project that deals with children and education with one of my best friends that I couldn’t be more excited about. Life is good! But a broken heart is a broken heart and no matter how good things are going, that pain and grief still likes to surface once in awhile apparently LOL

It’s been a little over a year since the breakup, and 3 months since the divorce was finalized…I really haven’t dated at all. I’ve had three girls that friends were going to set me up with and ALL THREE of them ended up falling in love with guys before we were set up, sooo not sure what that’s all about LOL I’m on all those stupid apps, but I swipe left 95% of the time and when I do swipe right it’s rare that I match with someone hahah And when I do match with someone, it rarely goes past the “hi” phase…dating sucks hahah LOL But I happened to match with someone a couple weeks ago and we actually clicked and were texting non stop. (Dating is weird these days, people don’t call, you don’t talk on the phone. You text)….anyways, we were texting and happened to both be at The Cure concert at the Hollywood Bowl one night so met up for about 15 minutes by the concession stand and had a drink, which now looking back kind of sounds like some weird LA speed dating thing LOL Later that week I proceed to invite her to a Memorial Day party…with ALL of my best friends…and we haven’t even had a proper date yet, not sure what I was thinking LOL Apparently I decided to just dive head first into the deep end of dating hahah Anyways, she came, we had a good time, she’s a super cool girl, but when I woke up in the morning I couldn’t wait for her to leave. I was over it before it even began LOL This was the first girl I had spent any prolonged time and energy with since my divorce and it was all hitting me that clearly I wasn’t ready. She left, the weekend party continued and a good time was had by all on our big birthday staycation at Terranea…but she was texting me all day, which of course she was, that’s what we had been doing all week, but now I wasn’t into it like I had been…

Cut to Tuesday morning after Memorial Day weekend and I have to take my cat Casanova to the vet to get his teeth cleaned, something that gives me huge anxiety because my mom’s dog died during a teeth cleaning because the vets weren’t watching him during recovery after the procedure. So I’ve been adamant that I never wanted to put Casanova under for fear of losing him to inept vets…but he also needed his teeth cleaned desperately and I don’t want to lose my cat to gum disease either. Luckily my new vet does a twilight procedure where the animal doesn’t need to be put under fully. Anyways, as I handed him over to the sweet vet tech first thing Tuesday morning, I literally burst into tears!!! Like hysterically crying LOL She was like, oh my god, it’s gonna be ok, he’s in good hands and doesn’t really know what to do with me LOL…I left and proceeded to cry my eyes out in my car and text Jennifer and tell her I need an emergency session because I’m a mess LOL And before I walked into her office I already knew these tears weren’t really about Casanova…I mean they were a little bit because he was so scared and just crying and I’ve never left him at the vet and he’s a rescue and every time I have to take him in for something, I think he thinks I’m giving him away and doesn’t understand…but they were really more about the fact that I had just spent the most time and energy since my divorce with this new girl, this “gateway girl” as a friend called her LOL, the first since the divorce and it was all soooo different. It was basically the last piece of the puzzle so to speak of me letting go. So I cried. A lot. And I kept crying through most of the day and the next day. I also had to text the girl to tell her I wasn’t ready for anything serious, which is never fun and I’ve never been good at, but she was cool and totally understood…but I still felt like a jerk.

So I was sad and in a bit of a funk for most the week. And also slightly beating myself up because I just felt like it had been soooo long already, why am I still sad and crying over this? I should be over it already! But then I was so gently reminded by my dear friend Jolie that 1. it really hasn’t been that long in the grand scheme of things. 2. that it’s not like it was just a regular break up, I was MARRIED and got divorced. That’s big stuff, like - effect your life forever big. and 3. and what I think stuck with me the most, that there’s nothing to “get over”…you just get through it. Let me repeat that again, mostly for my benefit LOL There’s nothing to get over…you just get through it…And this is all stuff that I do know already but sometimes you need to be reminded. And that’s what friends are for! So thank you for that Jolie, I needed that!

And then Thursday morning I was looking for a new journal to write in as my current one only has 2 pages left in it. And I have this small one by my bed that was given to me a year ago right after the break up when some of my dearest friends threw me a “surprise we love you and you’re not alone” party (though if you talk to my ex she claims it was an “anti-mandy we’re happy you’re divorced” party LOL but of course she would make it about her, that’s what narcissists do) ANYWAYS, so my amazing friends Loree and Shannon put on this thoughtful night for me and got me this journal where everyone there wrote me encouraging notes and letters so that whenever I was feeling down I could go in there and read and laugh and not feel so alone. And to be honest, it has sat on the side of my bed for a year, but in a stack of other books that I’m reading, because I’m always reading like 3 or 4 books at a time, and I kind of forgot it was there. Or not that it was there, but I just haven’t opened it in a year because I had a different journal I’ve been writing in or for whatever reason. Anyways, I re-discovered it Thursday morning and was so touched to re-read everything that everyone had written me and remind myself how loved I am. But what affected me even more, I had written a list of 101+ Lifetime Goals in it and I had completely forgotten about it! And as I read over my list of goals that I created for myself after the breakup, I was so pleasantly shocked, surprised and delighted that I was able to check off EIGHT things on my lifetime goal list!!! I was smiling ear to ear! Some things that I had completely forgotten were a goal of mine. And I had accomplished them! A list of 8 things that could take people a lifetime to reach and I had done them all in one year! They were:

Travel to Bali

Travel to Thailand

Fire a gun for the first time

Regularly practice yoga at least 1 time a week

Be able to do an inversion in yoga

Learn to DJ

Visit Jenny and Loree’s farm in Nashville

Go on a yoga/wellness retreat

All of these things I did this past year! Through one of the hardest years of my life, I managed to check off eight lifetime goals!! I sat there on my living room floor and I felt so accomplished. I don’t believe there are accidents, and I think I was meant to rediscover that journal and that list at that moment. It was the little kick in the ass and reminder I needed. I was inspired to keep going, to keep checking things off on my list. There was a fire that was re-lit inside me again. To keep moving forward on this journey, on my journey, of not getting over it, but getting through it.

#thejourneyiseverything healing movingfoward gettingthroughit lettinggo gratitdue blessed

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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Things I’ve Learned

So my last full day in Bali, it had been storming and raining since like 2am. I woke up and had breakfast, the wifi was still out, it was still raining, and for some reason my adapter stopped working so soon nothing of mine would be charged. I felt like I was being tested! LOL But really it was just the universe telling me it was time to unplug, time to go within and absorb everything from my travels (thanks Jen) so as I reflected over the last 3 weeks and let it all really sink in, here's what I've learned, in no particular order:

I've learned you can never have too many massages :)

I've learned that I absolutely loved both countries, but if I had to choose, I'd pick Bali...there's just a very spiritual and healing vibe/energy there that I really love.

I've learned that those portable battery charging packs are a lifesaver when traveling!

I've learned that I got the whole standing up thing down for surfing, the hard part is the paddling lol I need to work on my upper arm strength and paddling skills if I want to be a better surfer lol

I've learned that I really did make the right decision in walking away from real estate. It was a good career for a few years but I really only got into it because I got married and it's not what I'm meant to do.

I've learned that the hardest part of this trip, besides that whole "letting go" thing 😂😉lol is all the homeless cats and dogs everywhere 😔😔I know that even though it is a totally different culture I would never be able to be okay or immune to all the homeless cats and dogs, in both countries. Every single dog and cat I saw broke my heart and I wanted to save them all.

Ive learned that while there are definitely scary places all over the world, and traveling as a solo female can be dangerous, Thailand and Bali are not those scary places and I never once felt unsafe. Not even when I checked into my Eco hut by the beach my last 2 nights in Bali and the girl told me they don't have keys because there are no locks, but don't worry, everything is safe and fine lol the media definitely makes the world out to be more scary than it really is. My aunt was convinced I was going to be kidnapped and sold into the drug or sex slave trades lol

I've learned there's pretty much zero caffeine in Bali coffee so if you're looking for your morning kick, you're gonna have to import or bring with you lol

I've learned that both Bali and Thailand seem to be way ahead of the US as far as organic goes

I learned that I really enjoy being up early enough to watch the sunrise and should do it more

I've learned that fireflies/lightening bugs are seriously magic! I know anyone who grew up on the east coast or south is used to these tiny flying phenomena but to me, seeing my very first one in Bali, they are magical!!! Nature is fucking awesome lol

I've learned that living the simple life of not wearing makeup or doing anything to my hair for 3 weeks straight was pretty awesome but I am actually (and I can't believe I am saying this) looking forward to throwing on some heels and lipgloss and feeling like a girl when I get back home. Who am I?! Lol

I've learned there don't really appear to be any driving laws in either country or if there are they aren't enforced lol and I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing entire families of 3 and 4 adults and kids on one scooter

I've learned that coconut milk in Bali is completely different than coconut in the US...I was basically pouring what had the consistency of coconut yogurt in my coffee every morning lol

I didn't learn because I already knew this but it was reinforced that I have the best most supportive friends and family there are. I'm a lucky and grateful girl.

I learned that simple things like free robe and slippers and free wifi make me happy and delighted when staying at hotels (US hotels take note: FREE WIFI)

I've learned that bad things or hardships that happen to us often really are blessings in disguise. It just may take some time to get through it and see out the other side but you truly are stronger than you think so hang in there :)

I've learned that I'm finally ready to date again (ladies please form a line to the left Hahahah lol 😉) and that whoever I end up with next is going to have to get through quite the gauntlet of "tests" with my friends haha

I've learned that I'm a pretty awesome person and partner, so whoever does land me next is going to have essentially hit the jackpot 😊

I've learned a lot about what I want and don't want in a future girlfriend/partner/wife.

I've learned that though I am a caretaker at heart, it's just who I am, and I can completely take care of myself, that I want someone to take care of me next. I want someone to take ME on trips, take ME out to dinner.

I've learned that's it's not mean that I don't want to be friends with my ex or have her in my life, even though she does. It's loving myself and putting myself first finally and doing what's best for me.

I've learned, if you can't spend Valentine's Day by yourself and enjoy it, then you're not really ready to spend it authentically with someone else...I had one of the most enjoyable fun valentines I've ever had, by myself. On a beach in Bali. It was magical.

I've learned that people from all over the world travel way more than us Americans do. We should change that.

I've learned that yoga and mediation really do make me a better more balanced. and grounded person.

I've learned there really is no reasoning or making sense of crazy. It is a futile exercise and you will drive yourself mad. Case in point, my ex texted me the night before my trip, apologizing if she was out of line because she knows I established boundaries (basically that we weren't friends and arent really in contact) but that she knew I was going on a trip and she was super excited for me and knew it would be amazing...and then 10 days into my trip, emailed me that email that she was blocking all my social media and asking me to block her as well and to stop contacting her family...ummm what?!? How are you going to text me happy safe travels one minute and you're so excited for me and then apparently see stuff I've been posting (which why are you searching for it?) and then send me that email?! This trip was about letting go and getting over you it wasn't going to make me want us to be friends! And I'm sorry if that hurts you but that's the reality. *Insert me throwing my hands in the air and shaking my head*...I give up. There is no making sense of crazy. And anyone who tries to make you feel like you're the crazy one, they are the crazy one! Don't listen to them. You're not crazy. Just like I'm not crazy.

I've learned that when people show you who they really are and continue to show their true colors, believe them.

I've learned that we always have a choice on how we react to something. When my ex sent me that fateful last email that I cried over, as I sat there crying and being upset and beside myself that she would do such a thing, and texting with Jen, on one thread and Mary, Naza and Cinnamon on another, Jen said, "she's trying to upset you" to which I responded, "it's working lol I'm sitting crying in my room." Jen then proceeded to say "well....don't let it. It's your choice." And she was right! As were Mary and Christina who essentially told me the same thing in not to let my ex ruin anything or get to me. So I allowed myself another 60 seconds of tears and then made the conscious choice that those were going to be the last tears I cried over her and that I wasn't going to allow her to have that power over me. We all have a choice in the decisions we make and how we react to things. Don't be a victim.

I learned that what I missed most, besides my friends family and cat was Mexican food and good red wine! Lol

I learned that yoga in LA is much different than yoga in other parts of the world lol we have definitely "Americanized" it or "LA-ified" it...it should really be at least 90 minutes (not the typical 60min) and there really should be more of a focus on the meditation and breathing aspect, not just like the arbitrary 3-5 minutes in the end like most LA yoga classes.

I've learned that never again will I compromise who I am for someone

I've learned that love can't fix everything...don't get me wrong, I am a granola crunching hippie yoga new agey chick who does think the world needs more love and all that, but when it comes to relationships, to marriage, there needs to be more. I think we're conditioned as a society with the movies and the songs and all that that " love is the answer" that love can heal it all, that if I just love the person enough, everything will be ok, that I can "fix" it all with love...at least that's what I thought...the reality is that's just not true. At least not in an emotionally abusive relationship, not in a marriage where the other person doesn't love herself. I can't fix anyone but myself. And I can’t control anyone else but me. And I need to love myself first and foremost. Self love is the most important love.

I've learned I really am an awesome rad chick lol a And I'm totally fine on my own. Contrary to jerry maguire, I don't need anyone to complete me, I complete myself. And having a loving healthy functional relationship in the future would be a bonus :)

Ive learned that while 3 weeks was definitely the necessary time needed away for this trip especially given my destinations, that 3 weeks is just a tad too long for me to be away from home, my routine, my friends and family and most of all my cat lol :)

I've learned that healing really does take time and can't be rushed. I don't know that I would have gotten as much as I did had I done this trip 6 months ago, so thank you universe for allowing things to play out in the timeframe they did.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to not always have the answer. When you’re hit with a tragedy it’s only natural to try to understand “why” it happened. I’ve spent a lot of time on this and still don’t know exactly why everything went down the way it did. And that’s ok.

And with that, it’s time to board my plane and head home. It’s been such an amazing and life changing adventure...can’t wait to see where my journey takes me to next :-)

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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I Saw A Balian Healer Today

So I saw a #traditional #Balian #healer today. His name is Cok Rai and he is famous in his village.

I waited almost 2 hours to see this magical man. I sat and watched as he attended to the 12 Aussies women before in a group (these healings are NOT private lol) And each one would would lean against his legs and he would feel all over their head and face and neck and shoulders, pressing certain points, whispering things and then he would have them lie down on a bamboo mat. He would pull a small wooden stick out of his pocket and proceed to push on each toe and in between each toe saying what each point was i.e. Heart, blood, lymphatic, liver etc…I watched repeatedly as these women would jump and yelp and cry in pain, some even breaking down into tears when he would reiterate what body part is corresponded too and what it meant.

He would then stand over them or lean over then, do some sort of Balian voodoo magic lol chant and whisper and trace some sacred symbols over their bodies…and then he would repeat the toe poking process…and every single one of them laid their calmly and peacefully, never again jerking or yelping or lurching in pain. And the he would lean down and say, “see, yes, already better.” And they would smile and bow and say thanks, some with tears of appreciation in their eyes.

And then it was my turn…I walked up, leaned down and looked in his eyes. Our eyes locked and we both smiled and looked at me for a long minute and he gave me a look I can’t even explain. Then I leaned against his legs like the others before me. He rubbed his fingers all over my head and face, pressing in my eyes and ears and nose and lips, going all up and down my neck and shoulders…and then he stopped. He sat back and said, “why you here? What I do for you?! You fine” lol Hahahah

Seriously?! Through my chuckles I said, “broken heart” and he looked at me in the eyes and said, “no. no more broken. Scars yes but not broken. You fix it already. You good. You my #1 person today. New love already coming.” And like that I was dismissed lol

Soooo I guess thank you Thailand. Thank you Bali. Apparently I’ve been really good at my healing and my letting go and I couldn’t have done it without you!

Oh and I dipped my toes in the Indian Ocean for the first time too sooo that was kinda cool ☺️I had plans tomorrow to go check out another temple and a couple beaches, but as I watched the sunset over the Indian Ocean tonight and had a beer at a lil spot on the beach, I saw a sign for surf lessons and after talking to the guys that run it, will be getting a private surf lesson tomorrow. In Bali. In the Indian Ocean…I am forever in love and gratitude of this journey 🙏💗

Sidenote as I was changing for dinner tonight, a cat appeared in my room and snuggled up on my bed. After asking management they said its normal/safe/fine sooo clearly the universe has heard how much I’m missing my Casanova 😻

#thejourneyiseverything #healing #divorce #Bali

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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My Last Tears Over Her

Not sure why she felt the need to email me this morning to let me know she’s blocking all of my social media. If she really wanted to block me, then just do it, no need to alert me to the fact. Perhaps it’s because she can see or feel me healing and moving on and doesn’t want that to happen. She’s still trying to exert some hold, some control. Well newsflash, you were the one who didn’t want to be married anymore! I don’t think she ever intentionally tries to be an asshole, but that’s the problem with narcissists, they never see how selfish they are being. So those tears I cried this morning over her, those are the last tears. There will be no more. I had a moment of weakness and gave up my power for a few minutes this morning after her email, but I’ve cried it out. I’ve yoga’d it out. And I’m done. I have a choice to let her words and actions affect me and I’m choosing to let it all go and keep moving forward. I wish her well, I truly do. Grief is tiring and it scars your soul which is why I’m done living in that state of mind and body. So those were the last tears I cry over her. I’m leaving them here, on the other side of the world.

And with that, I’m off to channel my inner Julia Roberts/Elizabeth Gilbert and explore this magical town of Ubud and the rice fields in Bali. Honestly, if anyone is every looking for a getaway, for some healing, for a reset, The Om Ham Retreat center is by far one of the most magical places I have been. Namaste :-)

#thejourneyiseverything divorce healing Bali lettinggo nomoretears

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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Letting Go

Two simple words, yet such a hard thing to do for so many of us, myself included…

It was my ex’s birthday a couple days ago. I strategically planned this trip so that I would be gone during that and Valentine’s Day LOL After that, all of the “firsts” should be out of the way - 1st birthday, 1st wedding anniversary, 1st Christmas etc. Anyways, so it was the first time in 7 years that I, with the advice and encouragement of Jen and Lisa LOL, let that day go by and didn’t acknowledge it. And I won’t lie, it was hard. But I’m glad I did it, as it’s all part of the process of letting go and moving on. I did however have a moment of weakness and look at her instagram LOL ugh WHY?!

I swear, breakups had to be at least somewhat easier before the days of social media. I already unfollowed her and unfriended her and deleted all the things you’re supposed to do, but for whatever reason I had a momentary lapse and just had this undying nagging need to look. And of course saw things I didn’t want to see and that felt like a kick in the gut. But no one is to blame but me, It’s my fault for looking. I don’t play the victim game so I’m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I made a choice. (Sorry Jen, don’t be disappointed in me LOL hahah) But you know, I’m glad because I think it gave me the final kick in the ass to just LET GO. To just LET. IT. ALL. GO. To leave the past in the past. To learn from it, to grow from it, and to never look back anymore. And to think I was feeling slightly guilty for not wishing her a happy birthday, I mean I did spend 7 years with this person, so it's a weird/hard adjustment to make. But the universe was once again showing me all the signs. And it made me realize something - I deserve more. I deserve better. So with a huge heavy deep breath, as I sat on my beach bungalow patio for the last time today, watching the waves roll in and out, I am releasing it all into the universe. I have done a lot of reflecting here in Thailand, a lot of work on myself, and I am ready to finally let it all go. And the funny thing is, with that release, with that letting go, with that huge deep sign, I actually feel lighter, and dare I say, hopeful.

Time is a funny thing. I vividly remember ten months ago crying my eyes out, exclaiming that I never wanted to fall in love again, never wanted to be hurt like this again, never wanted to get married again and couldn’t even fathom being willing to risk having my heart broken again…and now, ten months later, as I’m leaving Thailand and heading to Bali, I can honestly say that I’m open to love again. I have hope. And I have faith that the universe has amazing things in store for me. I truly am that bird set free that Sia sings about. And I’m ready to fly again :-)

#thejourneyiseverything #divorce #healing #lettinggo #thailand

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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I’m Alive and I’m A Bird Set Free

Sia’s new album has been on repeat in my hotel rooms and in my headphones for the last three days (thank you Mary, for hearing these songs and thinking of me! I didn’t even know there was a new album out!). In particular the 1st two songs, “Bird Set Free” and “Alive” - like I can’t get enough of these songs, they are my air, they have become my life anthems lol

I sat on my flight to Koh Samui the other day, headphones in, staring out the window as we were taxing down the runway to take off and the tears just started flowing…it was bound to happen at some point I suppose, I don’t think I was going to get away with a tear-free trip lol

I know this seems to be a running theme but I sat there saying to myself, holy shit here I go again, off to another gorgeous Thailand location. By myself. How was this even happening?! Lol and as those thoughts ran through my head, Sia’s haunting voice rang loudly in my ears with the chorus of Alive -

I’m still breathing I’m still breathing I’m still breathing I’m still breathing I’m aliiiiiive I’m aliiiiive I’m aliiiiiive I’m aliiiiive You took it all but I’m still breathing.

And the floodgates opened and the tears poured down my face. It was like a combination of happy tears and sad tears all at once, sad over the loss of my marriage, but happy that I wasn’t letting it destroy me, that I took control back, that I wasn’t being a victim and I found my power and packed a bag and took off by myself to a country I’ve never been on the other side of the world. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything more empowering. Or that has made me feel more ALIVE :)

Then this morning, as I watched the sunrise over the Gulf of Thailand and sat in the open air yoga sala for morning meditation, I sat there, legs crossed and I had an epiphany if you will…

I’m gonna get a little deep on you guys here :) The first session I ever had with my healer (and now dear friend) Jennifer months and months ago, she said something that really stuck with me - she told me that my ex was actually a mirror of myself, because everyone in our lives is a mirror. What this means is that others are simply reflecting parts of your own consciousness back to you, giving you an opportunity to really see yourself and ultimately to grow… I don’t think I quite grasped or realized what that meant until this morning.

I sat there, legs crossed, meditating with the waves crashing on the background and birds chirping and her words kept echoing in my head…and then images of my ex and I swirled around my head, and constant fights we would have where she cried that she felt like a caged animal/bird and just wanted to be free, to go off and figure out life and who she was…and like a flash it hit me! If she was my mirror, I WAS THE CAGED BIRD. ME! I was the one who had gotten into a marriage that wasn’t right for me. God that sounds so horrible and mean and it’s not meant that way at all, I always want to be kind and try to come from a place of love, so that’s not meant as a dig towards my ex, but it was the truth. I had been a caged bird with my wings clipped…and now I was like a bird set free…and then Sia’s lyrics played in my head:

Clipped wings, I was a broken thing Had a voice, had a voice but I could not sing You would wind me down I struggled on the ground So lost, the line had been crossed Had a voice, had a voice but I could not talk You held me down I struggle to fly now

And I don’t care if I sing off key I find myself in my melodies I sing for love, I sing for me I shout it out like a bird set free No I don’t care if I sing off key I find myself in my melodies I sing for love, I sing for me I’ll shout it out like a bird set free I’ll shout it out like a bird set free I’ll shout it out like a bird set free

Now I fly, hit the high notes I have a voice, have a voice, hear me roar tonight You held me down But I fought back loud

And again here I am, feeling like I almost owe my ex a thank you, because I never would have left the marriage - we took vows and in my mind, through better or worse you work it out…but marriage wasn’t for her and she wanted out…so now, here I am, laying on a beach in Thailand after an hour long massage that cost about $10 US and I can’t help but feel like a bird set free…but also wondering WHY do we pick the partners we pick? If she was my mirror, why did I choose her if it was ultimately destined to fail? That I don’t have the answer to right now…I suppose that’s an epiphany for another day…

Sidenote- as soon as I’m back in the states I’m getting a new tattoo: an elephant with some Sia lyrics 😊🙏💗

#thejourneyiseverything #sia #healing #thailand #birdsetfree #alive #solo travel #spiritualwarrior #findyourpower

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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But First, Let Me Take An Elphie

So what’s the craziest thing you’ve done lately?!

This trip as a whole is for sure one of the craziest best most amazing experiences of my life (and I still have 2 weeks to go), but there are honestly no words to describe the last 36 hours of my life. It has changed me forever. I was picked up at 8am and put in the front seat of a pickup truck while 8 other people were piled in the back. Not sure why I got the VIP seat but I happily took it LOL In less than 2 hours, I was going to be snuggling elephants! As I sat in the front seat of this pickup truck with my driver (“Lee from Chiangmai” he answered when I asked his name, to which I responded, “Aleyna from California” LOL) trying to carry on a conversation with his broken English, I was overcome with this overwhelming feeling of happiness. Of gratitude. Of love.

I had fallen madly deeply in love. With myself. I also fell in love with every single elephant I met as well lol but for that moment, I was in love with myself. And this was before I even got to the sanctuary, but I couldn’t wipe the silly smile off my face. I was giddy. I thought to myself, man, I’m fucking cool! Lol i mean seriously. I am in Thailand. By myself. Trusting my life in the hands of this crazy Thai driver, going to fucking hangout with ELEPHANTS! In the northern mountain jungles! Of Thailand!! And then spend the night. In a tribal village. With no electricity or hot water. And then spend the next day with more elephants. And then hike miles through the jungle to waterfalls and more tribal villages. Are you fucking kidding me?! Who am I?! Who had I become?!…Apparently a goddamn badass that’s who lol

There really are no words to describe the elephant experience. These are such beautiful magical souls. We got to the sanctuary and were given traditional mahout shirts to wear because the elephants are used to seeing their mahouts (keepers) in them. We were then given banana and taken down to the elephants and got to feed, snuggle, rub, take pics with etc. I seriously can’t put into words how magical this was. They are such gentle giants. I took over 600 pictures from both days but could only post a couple LOL I’ll post more in a separate blog of just more pics. We then fed them sugarcane. Then trekked with them up into the jungle so they could eat more. Elephants constantly eat. Twenty hours a day. For those other 4 hours, they sleep. That’s it, eat and sleep and play LOL We then went back to sanctuary hut “homebase” for lack of a better word, had lunch and then made treats for the elephants which consisted of mashing bananas, tamarind, salt, sticky rice, water and unhusked rice into a paste almost and forming it into balls. We went into the valley and all lined up, the elephants were about 100 yards away up where we had left them on the jungle hill. We were instructed to yell BON loudly, and slowly the elephants started coming towards us, then as we yelled more moved a little more quickly to come get their special treats. The baby started running and was sounding her trumpet, it was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen/heard in my life!!! After they all got their sweet treats, we took them to the mud hole and gave them a mud bath and then walked them to the river where we bathed them and swam with them. It was the most incredible thing ever.

*steps onto soapbox* please don’t ever EVER ride elephants! These beautiful magical beings have been tortured, abused and had their spirits broken in order for you to hop on their back and ride them. It is never ok to ride an elephant. Please check out Elephant Jungle Sanctuary for more information, so that we may one day have a future where elephants are not ridden, poached, overworked or abused, and are instead treated with care, love and respect. *steps off soapbox*

After the day was done with the elephants, while most everyone else got driven back to the city, me and one other lady were doing the sleepover 2 day experience, so we were driven to one of the other sanctuary locations (they now have 5 locations) and dropped off at the newest location that had only been open a couple weeks. This location is located in the jungle amongst the Karen Tribal villages. We were shown to our “room” which was that wooden bungalow room with a bamboo mat on the floor and 2 blankets! Ummm excuse me kind sir, this was not in brochure, is what a little voice in my head said. But that quickly went away and I just went with it and embraced the whole experience, though I was having an inner dialogue with myself the entire time that sounded a bit like this:

I’m literally sleeping on a wood floor?With like a thin bamboo mat and a sheet? lol And I PAID money for this? Like actual US dollars! lol what had I gotten myself into?! Me, the girl who will glamp but by no means camp lol wait actually, the girl who refuses to do the “hostel” thing, that apparently all these young kids who backpack around do, no not interested in that, but here I am staying in a wooden hut with less than a yoga mat on the floor to sleep on lol this is definitely not what was described in the reviews on Tripadvisor LOL I mean, i get up to pee at least 3 times a night and the nearest “bathroom” (I use that term loosely) was down some wooden steps, down a dirt walkway around the corner, over a bamboo foot bridge LOL seriously?!

Not for one second did I regret this decision though! I was actually a bit excited for the experience. I mean, in the morning, I got to get up and feed the elephants breakfast!!! Are you kidding me?! I’m not gonna lie, I did already have visions of a Thai massage and hot shower in my future as soon as I got back to my hotel LOL but for the moment, I was embracing it and just going with it. Once we put our stuff down in our “room” we then hung out with the village locals and made a traditional thai dinner with vegetables, rice and curry. They were very accommodating as well when they asked if I was vegetarian (I didn’t even bother trying to explain vegan, I didn’t want to be too difficult on them LOL) and they made me some tofu and split the curry in half, putting chicken in half and my tofu in the other. After dinner, my roommate, who basically speaks 3 words in english, and they consisted of “Im finished now” eagerly spoke that phrase with a smile and then disappeared LOL I stayed hanging out with our guide Bee drinking a beer and playing this stick game he had made out of bamboo he cut. I was exhausted by 8pm so retired for the night, still wondering how I was actually going to get any sleep on the wood floor but I pulled on my sweat pants, zipped up my hoodie and laid down on my bamboo mat…and pretty much tossed and turned a bunch of the night trying to get comfortable LOL But I will say I did sleep more than I expected. I just kept telling myself that these locals do this every night. This is their life, this is their normal. I can do it for a night!

I was awake by 5am and went outside by 6ish to watch the sunrise up over the mountains. It was gorgeous. The village girls had breakfast ready by 8, which consisted of french toast (cooked in egg batter) and fried eggs LOL But I wasn’t about to not eat it. And I had seen chickens running around, so at least I knew the eggs came from chickens with a nice free life…until they killed the chickens to eat LOL but whatevs, I’m just going with it haha :-)

After breakfast the morning half day group arrived and I got to basically do the elephant day all over again with this new group of visitors and new elephants. We fed them bananas, sugarcane, the banana/tamarind/rice mixture, then trekked with them through the jungle for a good hour. After that is was swim and bath time. After a lovely thai meal for lunch, the new group of visitors was hanging out at the sanctuary while me and my 2 day partner were going on a trek through the jungle with our guide Bee to see more of the tribal villages and waterfalls etc. So we packed up and hit the dirt.

I’m not sure how many miles we walked, but it was A LOT! It was hot and sweaty and amazing LOL Bee is such an awesome guide! He is learning his english by listening to American music (He LOVES Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Eninem) and watching American movies with Thai subtitles. He took us all through the jungle, carrying a watermelon for us to later eat at a “beach” by a waterfall, that he cut with the big knife he carries LOL as well as made us walking sticks out of bamboo. At one point on our hike, probably about 2 hours in, I took my phone out to take a picture of mountainside rice fields across the valley gorge…and my phone went flying out of my hands…I watched as it tumbled in slow motion down this I don’t know how many hundreds of feet high mountain we were on rolling towards the raging river below…my trek guide watched it and then took off running down the hill…10 minutes later, after I had a mild to medium panic attack, but also sat there hearing my healer/friend Jennifer’s voice whispering in my ear “Aleyna, this is a sign from the universe to just LET GO of everything” so I had accepted that it may be gone forever and was ok with that…ok so maybe not really, but I was TRYING to be ok with LOL...Bee came climbing back up the moutain…with my phone in hand! It has a completely cracked screen but it still works and I got all my pictures, which is really what I was most concerned about! My phone then never left my pocket again until we were on flat ground LOL I professed my undying love to Bee right there hahaha :-)

We hiked through a couple villages and pictures can’t do them justice. It was so crazy to see how these people live. They live so simply. We really are a rich spoiled society in America. At one point we crossed paths with a very old frail village lady who was carrying a massive amount of firewood on her back that she had gathered in the jungle, and Bee took it off her hands and we carried it to the village for her, which is where her mother was weaving/making that skirt in that last picture. There were chickens and dogs and pigs everywhere. Our hike ended about 4 hours later at a roadside “market” where we waited for our pickup truck driver to grab us and take us back to Chiangmai 2 hours away. As we waited the market owner brought over some homemade Thai rye whiskey and me, Bee and the owner all did shots, and chased it with fresh Tamarind picked off the nearby tree. Bee also started playing his favorite American music on his phone. At one point he said “someone told me California girls were so sweet and beautiful. You know who told me that?” I shrugged my shoulders. He answered, “Katy Perry.“ Hahahah lol when I stopped laughing, he continued on, “it’s true, I saw it today, so thank you for proving Katy perry right” lol I mean, I just can’t lol insert *blushing swooning emoticon here* lol It probably helped that I slipped him 500 thai baht for saving my phone, which is basically only $15 US dollars but it was the largest bill I had on me and I felt I had to give him something. He was beyond grateful and I felt it was the least I could do. We were eventually picked up and thrown in the back of a pickup truck and then dropped off at our respective hotels. I was dirty, sweaty, hadn’t had a proper shower in days, and exhausted. And it was the most incredible 36 hours of my life.

I honestly cannot describe this whole experience…and I haven’t even gotten to my meditation and yoga retreats, which was actually the whole focal point of this trip…And to think, when I started planning this whole trip, I wasn’t even going to do the elephant part because I was so focused on the yoga aspect, which was in the southern part of Thailand and the complete opposite direction of Chiangmai and the elephants and just thought it would be too much to fit in…well thank god I said fuck it and added on a couple more days in my planning.

Never in a million years would I have imagined myself doing this, ANY of this, so I guess in a weird way I actually have to thank my crumbled marriage for this. Now, let’s not get crazy, I’m not at the point where I would call up my ex and say thanks lol that would probably put me on the fully achieved enlightenment level of that embalmed monk I saw the other day lol but it’s something to grow towards and I definitely am sitting in gratitude for my journey that has brought me here. Funny how hardships are often times blessings in disguise. That’s why it really is important to be grateful for where you are in life, no matter where that may be. Because after all, the journey really is everything.

#thejourneyiseverything thailand healing adventure journey mindbodyspirit

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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My New Club

There’s this quote that my friend/biz partner/healer Jennifer read to me before I left for this trip:

“If you don’t feel awkward doing something new, you are not doing something new.”

I don’t think there could be a more perfect and fitting quote for me right now, because everything about this trip is new and awkward lol But in the best possible sense. I mean, I think solo traveling itself is awkward - the sometimes side glances of people when you are sitting at a table eating by yourself; or drinking a beer at the bar by yourself; or checking into your hotel and they look at you and ask, “just one person? and you want a king bed?!” with like a tone of judgement mixed with pity LOL Yes, I absolutely want a king bed because that is my current relationship status: sleeping diagonally across a big bed and taking up ALL the space! LOL I know it’s because I’m a girl traveling alone, I doubt guys get met with the same questions...Anyways, I’m not saying this is happening all the time, but it does happen. And I am by no means complaining about this awkwardness - it’s actually thrilling and empowering, because doing something uncomfortable means you’re growing. To grow, you have to embrace the discomfort - if you stay in your comfort zone, that’s not where your growth is. To unleash your potential, and expand what you’re capable of, you have to embrace change and discomfort as part of the path, as part of your journey. So I gladly say, bring on the awkwardness, bring on the discomfort...bring on the growth!

So part of my journey has been the induction into this new “club.” This elite club is definitely not any club anyone grows up wanting to be a part of or aspires to join - It’s the ever special Divorce Club! lol Which, shockingly, I guess not that elite as a lot of people are in! Quite a few of my friends and acquaintances are in, people who I had totally forgotten were a part of it, we all share this special connection. And I have to say, it just makes it a little less lonely. Because that’s the thing about divorce - no matter how many friends and family you have around you (and for the record, I am EXTREMELY blessed for the support system I have and am grateful everyday for each and every one of my friends and family and thank you all from the bottom of my heart) you still just feel alone. This person who you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, your partner, the sole other person that made up your team, this team that only consists of two - well you're no longer on the same team. Nothing makes sense anymore. The ONE thing that you thought you knew, that you thought you could depend on, just fell out from under your feet. So one by one, members of this club that I am now a part of, have reached out, have had a passing word of encouragement or advice, and it gives me strength in knowing that although our situations vary, I am not alone on this path. Through the shared laughter and tears and hugs and words of wisdom and encouragement, it gives me hope for the future. So thank you for that, all of you in this new club I find myself a member of.

And like my mom said to me one time, Ellen Degeneres married Anne Heche first, but now look at her and Portia...soooo there’s that LOL Thanks mom! :-)

Side note - as I’m typing this up, “You Can’t Rush Your Healing” by Trevor Hall is playing on my iTunes LOL The lyrics say “Confusion clouds the heart, but it also points the way. Quiet down the mind, the more the song with play. You can’t rush your healing. Darkness has its teachings, love is never leaving. You can’t rush your healing.” Thank you universe. I hear you loud and clear.

2nd side note - that 4th picture up there of the monk sitting with the buddhas - so I stared at this guy FOREVER, walked back and forth in front of him, walked around him, just watched and watched him - he never blinked, never moved, never even breathed from what I could tell. I sat there wondering if that is what true enlightenment looks like LOL because this had to be a real monk, they had statues of monks in another temple and they were obviously fake, but this guy had skin, he had hair, he was human! Come to find out, apparently he was embalmed! It was a real monk preserved for posterity. It’s one of the craziest things I’ve seen.

#thejourneyiseverything healing thailand divorce travel grateful

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thejourneyiseverythingblog-blog · 8 years

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Buddhas Buddhas Buddhas Rockin Everywhere

So amongst other places I visited today, I spent a majority of my time at Wat Pho, which is the Temple of the Reclining Buddha, in Bangkok Thailand. This place is absolutely breathtaking! I’ve really never seen anything like it. The pictures do not do it justice. Buddhas EVERYWHERE. Not to mention THE largest Buddha in the world, the huge golden reclining Buddha. And as I sat there kneeling before one of the huge Buddhas in the grand paviilion, I looked around at the few people around me doing the same thing, and just took it all in…and like a smack in the face it hit me - I’m in fucking THAILAND! WHAT?! LOL I know it may seem weird that it didn’t hit me say when I landed last night or when I got to my hotel or when I was walking the streets of Bangkok this morning the 3.7 miles from my hotel to get to the temple, but it really hadn’t. It all still felt very surreal, almost like a waking dream, like I was watching myself…I can’t quite explain it. Anyways, so like a ton of bricks falling on me, it hits me that I am in fact in Thailand. At a temple. Kneeling before a huge golden Buddha from 1791. By myself. I just sat there wondering in my head, how is this my life? How did I get here?! No seriously, how did I get here? lol

I guess the simplest, and perhaps most cliche, explanation is, I got my heart broken. My marriage fell apart. I won’t get into details of the how or why that happened. Perhaps because I’m still not even sure that I understand the how/why of it all, but it happened…I am now divorced. Ugh lol Certainly not where I thought I would be at any point in my life, especially not close to turning 40. I am a divorcee…ugh LOL

ANYWAYS, I’m not quite sure when exactly it happened, but at some point once the papers were signed I guess I made the decision in my head that, given that my whole world was just turned upside down and I now know nothing is certain (except change) that I wasn’t going to wait anymore to take this trip (or any future trip for that matter) that I had dreamed of to 2 of the places on my bucket list… and besides that, basically since life just knocked me on my ass, I deserved a big life altering soul searching trip like this after all that has happened! So fuck it! I was doing it LOL :-) So after months of planning and lists made and charts drawn (yes there were charts drawn, planning a big trip like this is not as easy as one would think LOL) here I am, almost 40, sitting in my hotel room in a robe drinking a beer in fucking Thailand by myself…and I’m loving every damn minute of it! And this is just after Day 1! I can’t wait to see what the next 3 weeks hold for me…I can only imagine what I’m in for on this solo trip on the other side of the world…Bring it on universe!

#thejourneyiseverything thailand bali backpacking divorced eatpraylove solotravel namaste healing spiritualwarrior healing

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