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thefawn · 1 year

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The Pounding of Helm's Deep

As the rain and arrows poured down on Helm’s Deep, a sea of orcs pushed their way towards the fortress. But the sheer size of the army did not intimidate Legolas and Gimli. They simply charged, bow and axe at the ready.

One by one orcs fell to the ground, with arrows piercing hearts and axe blades slicing through skulls. Legolas and Gimli took down their enemies with ease, so much so that the two were getting kind of bored.

“23!”, yelled Gimli as he pulled his axe from the back of an orc.

Legolas smirked, “Just 23? You better catch up little dwarf.”

Legolas quickly fired two arrows, hitting a couple of orcs standing behind Gimli. “30 and 31,”Legolas said proudly

“The night is still young. I’m just warming up,” Gimli grumbled and swung his axe, cutting down an orc. He could not let this cocky elf beat him.

As Legolas pulled his dagger out of an orc’s neck he felt a strange tingling sensation. He quickly turned and saw in the distance towering figures. It was Saruman’s special creation, the Uruk hai.

Legolas slowly looked over the Uruk-hai; a white hand print mark on their heads, strong arms covered in blood, and thick red thighs. His eyes lingered on one particular Uruk-hai, whose loincloth had been pushed to the side during battle.

Gimli, who continued to count his kills in his head, glanced over at the entranced Legolas. “Legolas! What is the matter? What do your elf eyes see?”yelled Gimli.

“I see... a large, thick, long cock”

Legolas’ answer made Gimli stop mid swing. Did he hear Legolas correctly? “Who knew the Uruk-hai were so well endowed,” Legolas said cheerily.

Legolas quietly walked behind the Uruk-hai, reached around and grabbed the exposed thick cock. The Uruk-hai screamed but before it could counter the perceived attack, Legolas began stroking. Feelings of pleasure pulsed throughout the Uruk-hai’s body. It had never felt the tender touch of an elf before.

“Gwaaaaaarrrgh” In less than a minute the Uruk-hai came.

Brown goo shot out of its cock, landing on the face of a fallen soldier who layed at its feet. The intense release made the Uruk-hai quite drowsy and it no longer had the will to fight.

Gimli watched as Legolas jerked off Uruk-hai dick after Uruk-hai dick, making them cum and rendering them utterly useless.

Not to be outdone, Gimli ran as fast as his short dwarf legs could carry him towards a group of Uruk-hai.

“I bet I can make a Uruk-hai come even faster” said the very competitive dwarf.

He placed his two small hands around the flaccid but girthy Uruk-hai cock. Gimli tightened his grasp like he was holding his trusty axe. The amused Uruk-hai looked down at the dwarf pumping away. Laughter turned into moans as Gimli made quick work of it and soon his beard was covered in Uruk-hai cum.

“Ugh not the beard!”said Gimli as the cum began to harden.

“That’s one for you, Gimli. I’m already at twelve.” said Legolas as he jerked off two Uruk-hai at the same time.

Gimli scowled, “There’s plenty for the both of us”.

The crafty dwarf knew he could do one better, so he grabbed a Uruk-hai cock in each hand and wrapped his mouth around another.

The Uruk-hai grabbed the back of Gimli’s head and thrusted deeper into his mouth. Gimli happily chugged the cock like it was a stein of beer and swallowed a load of cum, which tasted like hot, sour dirt.

A long line of Uruk-hai had begun to form. They saw what was happening and wanted to join their fellow comrades who now lay happily on the ground, taking a nap.

“Keep breathing, that's the key, just breathe” Gimli told himself as he put two dicks into his mouth.

Legolas also welcomed the challenge. Sucking and stroking that much cock made the elf’s ass twitch. He wanted to feel full so he guided a cock into his tight ass while he curled his tongue around the shaft of another.

Gimli looked over at Legolas in the Two Towers position.

“Agh I’m not going to let a pointy ear outscore me”, Gimli said before shoving a dick into his small, hairy ass.

Any other creature that size would have not been able to handle that much cock pounding but thanks to the dwarfs’ sturdy stature they were excellent power bottoms.

Gimli relaxed as his ass stretched and the long cock hit his pleasure spot. “Aye, aye right there”, whispered Gimli

As Uruk-hai cum trickled out of Gimli’s ass, a new sensation filled the dwarf’s body. An equally long and thick cock was now inside of him but this one felt different.

Strands of long blonde hair fell on Gimli’s face. He turned and saw Legolas behind him, thrusting gently into Gimli’s glittering cave.

“You can’t expect me to watch you pleasure hundreds of Uruk-hai without having a taste myself,” said Legolas

Gimli used all of his strength not to come quickly as Legolas pressed his silky body against his.

“Is that the best you can do?” Gimli said, biting his lower lip. “I won’t let you cheat”, Gimli pulled himself away and tackled Legolas down to the ground.

Legolas grabbed his legs so his feet were next to his pointy ears and his ass was up in the air, exposed and ready. Gimli slid his dick inside the elf’s ass and spat into his hand before he started to stroke Legolas’ beautiful cock.

The dwarf’s stamina slammed Legolas into a state of bliss. The number of Uruk-hai dicks faded away, as the only two that mattered were now in a sensual embrace.

Legolas’ body shuddered as he came, his ass tightening around Gimli’s cock. Gimli couldn’t hold back any longer. He grabbed the elf’s thighs and with one final thrust exploded. Gimli quickly whipped his cock out and sprayed his thick cum all over Legolas’ hairless, glistening body.

Gimli collapsed covered in sweat and layers of Uruk-hai cum. Legolas slowly leaned over and whispered into Gimli’s ear, “You win”.

#lotr fanfic #legolas x gimli

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thefawn · 3 years

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The Order of The Avengers (Part 1) - (2021)

A couple of months ago, I asked my followers what kind of Avengers fan art they wanted to see from me and they voted at 81% for the “Medieval / Heroic Fantasy AU” option. Here’s the result, I hope you’ll enjoy it! ♥ A big thank you to @vegetamochi who came up with the title. (Nb: this is an art project, there’s no fic to go with it)

PART 2 IS AVAILABLE HERE

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thefawn · 3 years

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CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU

Summary || You're invited to a party at Chris Evans beach house. It's getting late so he insists you stay over for the night and sleep in his guest room. An awkward half naked encounter in the kitchen leads to a sexy staring contest. You can't break eye contact, even though all you want to do is look over every inch of him.

Pairing || Chris Evans x Fem Reader

Word count || 2, 508 words

Warnings || oral, unprotected sex, teasing, Light Dom/Sub, fingering, flirting, corny jokes, staring contest —18+ ONLY//MINORS DNI

The night was coming to an end. Empty beer bottles and snack crumbs littered every surface in the modern beach house. It was a successful evening of drinking games, playlist sharing and funny stories emphasized with hand gestures.

As the last couple of guests trickled out, you were finally left alone with Chris.

You couldn’t believe you’d been invited to Chris Evans’ party in the first place as you’ve only shared a few hurried conversations on set. It was hard to tell if his charm was his typical actor spiel or if he had more devious and sincere intentions.

You took one last sip from your wine glass. “Do you want me to help you clean up?”

Chris shook his head no. “Don’t worry about that. You probably shouldn’t drive home though. It’s already like 3. Why don’t you just crash here?”

You were not prepared for this. In your head the game plan was to flirt like crazy and steal as many glances as possible before leaving in a mysterious cloud of smoke. But now your ability to play it cool was being tested.

“Really? I can just call a cab…”

“This place has five bedrooms so I’ve got plenty of room for you. Don’t be silly.”

“Alright, alright you’re making all the good points. Just tell me what bed to plop on.”

Chris smiled and led you to a large bedroom which was decorated in various shades of blue.

Chris’ dog Dodger followed behind, making a mental note of the new human. This would come in handy during his nightly patrol.

You admired the king size bed and started to envision how the rest of the day could go. After getting up from bed the two of you could get breakfast, have a walk on the beach or get cozy on the couch. Each dream scenario made you feel giddy but then it hit you - you didn’t have a hair brush, makeup or a change of clothes.

“Hey, can I borrow a t-shirt or something to sleep in?”

You would have to improvise your way into looking presentable but at least you wouldn’t have wrinkled, dirty clothes.

Chris went to his room and came back with an old New England Patriots shirt.

“I’m not shocked that you’re giving me a football shirt but I was really hoping for something weird, like a CATS the musical t-shirt.”

“Sorry my CATS shirt is dirty. I usually wearing it on Sundays. You know, Skimbleshanks Sundays.”

“Oh right… that makes perfect sense.” You laughed and plopped down on the bed.

“Just in case, I’m just down the hall to the right. And you might hear Dodger walking around so don’t freak out.”

“Dog not ghost, got it. Thanks for letting me crash here.”

Chris said goodnight and closed the door behind him. You instantly unhooked your bra, took your pants off and changed into the Patriots shirt. With no judging eyes watching, you shoved your nose into the shirt and breathed in deep. It smelled like Chris and a flowery detergent.

It was hard to go to sleep as your mind kept replaying all the subtle looks that Chris had given you throughout the night. Even when surrounded by a group of people, Chris would always find a moment to lock eyes with you. Those intense seconds were burned into your memory.

After some time of being restless, you got up and quietly crept to the kitchen for some water.

As you closed the fridge door, Dodger was patiently waiting with a chunk of rope in his mouth. Dodger was not used to having playmates at this hour and was more than happy to take advantage of this opportunity.

You whispered, “Okay, okay, I’ll play with you for a little bit. But I can’t play long, I’m not wearing pants.”

You tugged at the rope but Dodger refused to let go. After much wiggling it eventually dropped, signaling the start of the repetitive fetch dance.

Chris laid awake in bed and could hear Dodger scampering around more than usual. He couldn’t help but see what was making his dog so excited. As he turned the corner he saw you in just his over-sized t-shirt rubbing Dodger’s belly

“Hey I didn’t know there was a late night kitchen party going on,” said Chris.

Your face blushed a fervent red as you became painfully aware of your bare legs and the small amount of bum that was peeking out from under the shirt.

“Oh hey, I was just grabbing water and Dodger gave me the cute ‘I want to play face’. I just couldn’t say no.”

Chris was only wearing a pair of plaid boxer shorts. He grabbed himself a drink and leaned against the counter. Your eyes wandered over his muscley form. You caught yourself staring and awkwardly blurted out, “I’m not wearing any pants and you're missing a shirt. We kinda cancel each other out.”

“You’re right.” Chris smiled, looking you up and down and pointed to his own lack of dress. “Well this is the late night kitchen party dress code right? I didn’t want to come overdressed.”

You smiled and rested your elbows on the kitchen island across from Chris. You realized that you mirrored each other’s slouchy, comfortable stances.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be respectful and keep my eyes up here.” You pointed to Chris’ eyes.

Chris laughed and rubbed his stomach. “You better keep those eyes locked onto mine. I don’t want to be objectified.”

You scoffed, “I would never. This is going to be THE most respectful staring contest ever.”

A mischievous grin slowly took over Chris’ face. You both locked eyes and the game was on.

“You can blink but if I catch you looking anywhere else, you lose,” said Chris.

“Deal.” Your eyes squinted as you focused all your attention on Chris’ light blue eyes and his long enviable eyelashes.

Chris slowly moved towards you, his eyes still locked on yours. If you were going to play this game, he was clearly going to play dirty.

As Chris’ broad chest got closer and closer, you grabbed onto the island counter, gripping the edges. It became harder and harder not to look at his sculpted shoulders.

“I’m respecting you so hard right now,” you joked.

Chris put his arms on either side of you, getting his face as close as possible to yours. “I feel very respected.”

From the corner of you eye, you could see Chris’ rippling arms. The temptation to look at him was building up inside of you.

“Not gonna look at all those muscles. Nope, just not gonna do it.” Your voice faltered, exposing that your tough smack talk was all a ruse. His close proximity was definitely having an effect on you.

Chris decided to up the ante. He moved his right hand onto your exposed thigh and slowly traced his finger tips up until he was under your shirt. His fingers playfully wrapped around the underwear that laid against your hip.

A small gasp escaped your mouth as you continued to stare into his eyes. Your quivering response to his touch made Chris hard.

“That feels like cheating,” you whispered as Chris continued to stroke your hip and thigh.

“Hmmm, do you want me to stop?” Chris pressed his body against yours. You could now feel how excited he was.

Your eyes widened and you slowly shook your head ‘no’.

If this was the game they were going to play, you reached for Chris’ hand and started to guide it towards your ass. You were going to make sure he got a good handful.

“My bum looks pretty spectacular. Too bad you can’t see it.”

Chris' hand brushed over your silky panties and gave each cheek a good squeeze.

“That’s okay, I have a very active imagination.” Chris bit his lower lip.

His cocky demeanor meant you would have to bring out the big guns. You pulled off your shirt in one quick motion. Chris could now feel your bare breasts against his furry chest.

“You don’t want to look?” you asked.

Chris' face twitched as everything in his body was telling him to look, touch, suck and lick every inch of you.

“Now that’s cheating,” Chris said.

You held each other for a little while more, each of you expecting the other to break eye contact.

“How about a peace deal? On the count of three we stop staring at the same time.” You could feel yourself getting wetter. You would do anything to speed up this armistice.

Chris put on a contemplative face and pretended to mull over your proposition. After a very painful minute, Chris revealed his answer.

“Okay… deal.”

With anticipation you began the countdown.

“1….2…..”

Before you could say ‘three,’ Chris leaned in and passionately kissed you, his tongue quickly finding yours. Both pairs of hands began exploring each other’s bodies. Chris hungrily grabbed your breasts, and you let out a moan into his mouth.

Chris picked you up, and your legs wrapped around his waist. While kissing your neck, he gently placed you on the counter.

He pushed you back so you laid across the island. He slowly peeled off your underwear, leaving kisses on your now bare hips.

Chris kneeled down so that his mouth could take you all in. He made a low murmur as he found you dripping in wetness, sweet confirmation that he wasn’t alone in his eagerness.

You reached out for Chris as his tongue encircled your clit and two of his fingers slid inside. You grasped the air as a wave of pleasure coursed through your body.

Wave after wave, lick after lick. You were getting closer to coming but you wanted to feel more than his fingers inside of you. You sat up and grabbed Chris’ hard cock, pulling it free from his boxers.

While staring into his eyes, you guided his cock inside you. You both stared at each other as pleasurable sensations danced across your faces.

Chris’ cock filled you completely and with every thrust you let out a deep moan. You leaned back and began rubbing your clit.

“Are you going to come for me?” Chris asked as he watched your body writhe.

The pace of your hand began to quicken. “Oh my God… you’re hitting the right spot. Please don’t stop. I’m coming.”

The final wave crashed, sending your whole body into spasms then all tension was released. A giant smile spread across your face as your body relaxed against the wooden countertop.

“You're not done yet,” Chris said. “Get down on your knees.”

You scouch off the island and did as you were told. You got on your knees and looked up at Chris’ beautiful sweaty body and throbbing cock.

You opened your mouth and leaned towards him until your tongue touched his tip.

“Look at me,” Chris said as he hungrily gazed down upon you.

You stared deeply into his eyes as you enveloped your mouth around his cock and began sucking. You watched as every flick of your tongue drew out a gratifying expression.

Chris grabbed your long hair into a ponytail and guided your head as you moved your mouth up and down his shaft. You held onto Chris’ thighs and took all of him in. The occasional choking sounds would only elicit words of encouragement from Chris.

“Good girl...now open your mouth wide for me.”

All of that deep throating pushed Chris over the edge.

“I’m going to come. Open your mouth and look at me.”

You dutifully stuck your tongue out and looked up at Chris as he stroked his cock. You watched as his body pulsated and then erupted, his white, thick load trickling onto your cheek and neck. Chris let out a satisfying sigh and grabbed a fresh towel. He knelt down on the floor with you, wiping your face and body clean followed by tender kisses to your shoulder.

“Come on, let’s go to bed. For real this time.” Chris grabbed your hand and led you into his bedroom.

You both collapsed onto his bed and began to entangle your arms and legs. Before closing your eyes for a well deserved sleep you took one last look at each other.

Nothing needed to be said. Your eyes told enough of a story.

#chris evans fanfiction #chris evans smut #chris evans x reader #chris evans x you #chris evans rpf #chris evans fic #chris evans x female reader #fanfic #fanfiction #chris evans #staring contest #flirting

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thefawn · 3 years

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I’m going into 2021 with the energy of a Final Girl.

I’m covered in blood, cuts and bruises. I’ve narrowly escaped and made it out to the other side.

Now I got the confidence, I can handle anything.

I’m going to get out of my own way. There’s nothing to be scared of.

Poetry for a new year

My self-improving friend is very much about New Year’s intentions: words or phrases or images that set the tone for the year you want to have.

I, unlike my self-improving friend, am very much about being self-loathing and cynical and buried in a huge coat, then wondering why my heart hurts so much. Maybe I should drink some water? I guess we’ll never know.

But I would like to do better. And I would like to hear some poetry. So. If you have poems or quotes (or images) that set the tone for your 2021 (not what you expect from the year, necessarily, but what you’re going to bring to it) let’s talk about them. Reblog or send asks or whatever you like (if you like.) I’m still on the hunt for mine but I’m getting there.

You were going to make it through this year if it killed you, and it didn’t kill you, and you did make it. 2020 is almost over. Let’s start the new year facing forward.

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thefawn · 3 years

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The Love Interests in the Works of Jane Austen: An Assessment

This is an “extremely scientific” and “thoroughly researched” ranking based on personality, money, family and connections, and is a bit of a blend between the book characterizations and the film characterizations (and is in no way only based on my own opinions). Here we go, grouped by book but not much else.

Edmund Bertram: absolute trash. His family has treated you unbelievably shitty since day one and not only has he BARELY noticed, he ALSO has treated you shitty. Will fall in love with someone beautiful and fun and when she dumps him will come crawling to you for a rebound. His passion for you is so lackluster that even the esteemed author who wrote about it barely spared a paragraph on your relationship. Has a job but only because his dad owns the land the church is built on. You’ll gain no connections or family by marrying him, since he’s literally your cousin. 0/10

Henry Crawford: There IS such thing as too much fun, and that is never clearer than in this man, who will try to seduce you as a game, freak out when his middling overtures don’t work and then try and seduce you “for really real” this time. You will definitely move up in the world if you marry him, and if you play your cards right it seems like his sister is also just REALLY into you, so see how that goes. Life will be pretty okay until you find him in bed with one (or more, who knows) of your relations. 3/10, 8/10 if you’re into that

John Willoughby: Will be like something out of a romance novel, you’re thinking he’s going to propose and then he just fucking ghosts you and embarrasses the fuck out of you at a party by acting like he doesn’t know you. Somehow marry him (congrats on the inheritance you must have, btw) and get ready to take a backseat to the whims of his aunt for as long as she lives. 1/10, at least you get to live in a nice house.

Edward Ferrars: Oh Edward. He’s a bit of a mess, isn’t he? Super kind, your family loves him, he made a bunch of stupid decisions in his youth that are coming back to bite him in the ass. He is loyal to an absolute fault, but you luck out when his fiance turns out to be a bit of a gold digger and dumps him when his mom disowns him. He doesn’t have a job and neither do you, but his family doesn’t wanna speak to him (lucky you!) and you’ll be happy and poor together if you two can work on your communication skills. 7/10.

Colonel Brandon: He’s got a nice house, the respect of his friends and the community, and he has a LOT of passion. He’ll give your sister’s penniless husband a job, dramatically rescue you from a rainstorm, make sure his dead girlfriend’s daughter is happy and taken care of even after your ex fucks HER over too, and is all around a pretty decent guy. Just. Uh. Maybe, kinda, sorta, needs to go after women his own age and is probably with you because you remind him of his dead girlfriend. 5/10 with the wildly inappropriate age gap, 9/10 without it.

Mr. Wickham: Please don’t. He’s a thirsty bitch who lives for drama and you think he’s fun until you find out he tried to sleep with one teenage girl and is making eyes at your fifteen year old sister behind your back. Marry him (through the grace of mysterious benefactors, cause he ain’t marrying anyone unless he’s paid the right price) and get ready for a life of being surrounded by military men in the north of England while your husband tries to fuck everything that moves. Work that out somehow with him and you might actually be happy. 0/10.

Mr. Bingley: He is a softboi who will do literally anything his friends tell him to do. He is SUPER rich, and marrying him will throw your sister’s into the path of other rich men and he is REALLY into you, but get ready to be sucking up to his sisters for literally the rest of your life. Unless he can ship Miss Bingley off to live with Mrs. Hurst, have fun trying to wage a war of barely concealed insults over the breakfast table every morning, and if you’re marrying Bingley I’m sorry but that is a war you just cannot win. He doesn’t have a job but he does have five thousand a year, and neither of you can manage money. You’ll love simply and deeply and be happy as any two can be. 8/10.

Mr. Collins: Last resort to rescue yourself from a life of being a burden to your parents until they die and then having to become a governess or something. Has a job but never shuts up about his boss. You will have to rearrange everything in your house according to his boss’ will. 2/10

Mr. Darcy: Is a anxious disaster who doesn’t know how to talk to girls at parties and needs to learn how say no to going out when he’s just not feeling it. He doesn’t have a job because he’s a landlord; he owns half of Derbyshire and has ten thousand a year, but turns out that all of that money and land can’t buy tact or charisma. Doesn’t know how to flirt and thinks he’s doing a great job (he’s not). He’ll propose to you out of the fucking blue one day by insulting literally everything about you, but don’t worry! Reading his letter unlocks Darcy 2.0. This patched version gives him humility, a personality, and he WILL gain the ability to rescue your family from utter ruin. Marry him and enjoy a life of luxury and witty ripostes, but beware! You ARE going to have to deal with Lady Catherine until the day she dies, not to mention Caroline Bingley’s barely concealed contempt every time you meet in polite company. Darcy 1.0 3/10, Darcy 2.0 8/10.

Captain Wentworth: Absolutely top tier. Has a job, has earned everything he has, including a fortune and the respect of his peers, superiors, and subordinates. His sister and her husband are practically the only happily older married couple you know, his friends are super fun and nice (even the dour one with all the poetry knows how to have a polite conversation). If you dumped him ten years ago on the advice of your almost comically shitty family yeah, he’s going to hold a grudge, but he WILL NEVER STOP LOVING YOU and the MOMENT he gets over his pride will do everything and anything in his power (including leaping the bounds of propriety!) to win you back. Based on his love, money, and connections you should RUN, not walk, into his arms TODAY and allow him to rescue you from your family and whisk you off to see the world on his ship, at least until Napoleon busts out of Elba. 12/10

Mr. Eliot: Will lose all your old schoolfriend’s husband’s money in a bad deal, has debts out the ass, might be trying to get with either you or the woman your dad has been flirting with for the last few years, you’re not sure. Is totally ruining the rekindling relationship you’re trying to get going with your far superior ex. He wants the land and title your dad has and will stop at nothing to get it. Marry him and you can move back into your old house (maybe? it’s a little unclear what with all the debts) but have every single cent your mother left you immediately put into some dumbass scheme. 1/10

Henry Tilney: another softboi who just wants to act in the school play while his dad and brother plan to ship him off to military school and berate him for not joining the football team. Bring him shopping with you to pick out dresses, spend long nights over tea chatting about books. Has a job, but again, only because his dad owns the land the church is on. Loves you even though you have some very strange ideas about his house, and will forgive you when he realizes you thought his dad either murdered or imprisoned his mom. If he can find the courage to tell his dad to fuck off and let him live his own life, expect a long, happy marriage of snuggling together in a window seat somewhere, sipping tea and reading. 9/10

John Thorpe: Trash bastard man. Peaked in whatever equivalent of high school he had. Shitty and rude to everyone, would post racist memes on facebook and start fights if he could, all while being shitty and manipulative and CREEPILY possessive of you. -2/10

Robert Martin: A sweet himbo farmer who just wants to love and worship you. He has a job, is pretty rich, and while his connections may not be above his class, he’s an earnest boy who wants to take care of you and be taken care of in turn. Marry him the first time, absolutely do NOT let your friend influence you against him, because who KNOWS if you will get a second proposal! (You will, he likes you THAT much.) Marry him and enjoy a sweet, simple life of exactly zero drama (unless your friend is around). 7/10

Mr. Elton: Trifling gold digging trash who doesn’t know what the word no means. Do not marry, unless you want to be censured by decent, hardworking people -1/10

Frank Churchill: Knows how to have fun, but you know there’s something more going on. He won’t let you see his letters, he sends out secret notes, then he smiles and tells you that everything is totally a okay. Another boy with ANOTHER overbearing aunt, only this one doesn’t know how to say no. Marry him if you’ve got the money, but he will always be longing after the poor girl next door that auntie wouldn’t let him married, and would have cheated on you already if she was into it. 3/10

Mr. Knightly: He’s your brother in law and you’ve known him almost your whole life, so that’s a little sus, but he is also the ONLY person in your entire life who knows how to tell you no (and you really, REALLY need to be told no sometimes.) He is extremely wealthy, but more importantly he’s kind and caring about people who are considered “beneath” him. He will break his weird no dancing rule to dance with your shy friend, he will ream you out for being shitty to unwed spinsters who value your opinion, and somehow has the correct read on everyone all the time. You will gain no connections by marrying him, since the two of you already have the exact same connections anyway, but the two of you should be content in a test of wills that will last a lifetime. You’ll be very happy as long as he doesn’t get super pedantic and start correcting you about everything. 7/10

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