thedreadpiratevaldez - Tumblr blog

thedreadpiratevaldez · 10 hours

Photo

look I REFUSE to believe this hasn’t been done before, but ive never SEEN it done, so here you go.

#sukka #sokka #suki #atla

51K notes · View notes

thedreadpiratevaldez · 11 hours

Photo

Oh! It’s the one I got tattooed on me!

#damien haas #smosh

133 notes · View notes

thedreadpiratevaldez · 11 hours

Text

jobs for girls who can't focus and are tired all the time and aren't rlly that good looking and get startled easily

70K notes · View notes

thedreadpiratevaldez · 11 hours

Text

279K notes · View notes

thedreadpiratevaldez · 12 hours

Text

how is it that Hermes has one of the most domains among the Olympians and rick relegated his kids to being thieves… anyway let’s remedy that

patron of orators: his kids can be unusually persuasive—charmspeak levels of persuasive. except it’s even more dangerous because it doesn’t come off as outright magical; they just happen to be so eloquent that everything they say comes off as logical. if one of them got up on a soapbox during in the middle of the street and started narrating how the Greek gods were real, the Greek world would probably get exposed so fast aKJDFSJKHJAKHSD

god of languages: his kids are super fast at picking up foreign languages, though it’s better if they converse with native speakers to actually learn it. because of the speed at which they can become fluent, they run the risk of sounding like google translate when they try to learn it solely from books.

god of travelers: not only does it ensure them safe and speedy travels, hermes kids also have a knack for finding the most niche gems when wandering in foreign cities/provinces. they’d probably make millions from writing travel blogs if they actually had the patience to sit down and write.

god of merchants: so hermes kids are eloquent polyglots—and they’re also fucking brilliant at HAGGLING. they go to chinatown and somehow out-haggle the grandmothers who have been doing it their entire lives and buy tons of random shit at less than half the price. also, they can’t do any advanced math, but they crunch big numbers and currencies mentally like it’s 1 plus one.

they’re also the types of people who might never have had a formal education but would make a killing managing hedge funds, investing in stocks, and being financial advisers. they have really good instincts on when to pull out of an investment, whom to strike the right connections with, which industries are going to see an imminent boom.

too bad they’re more likely to hack Wall Street to pass the time. or the Pentagon. or maybe some good ol Kremlin files.

god of messengers: in the past, this may not have meant much except that in the 21st century, his kids somehow always have the fastest internet. you could be hanging onto your data plan by one dying cellular bar, but a Hermes kid comes around—POOF! you can suddenly stream whole Netflix movies without having it buffer every minute.

god of shepherds: oh my god this is super funny to me but . what if hermes kids have power over animals that display flock/herd/colony mentality because that would be such a power move. they could be cornered in some random alley by a mugger, and suddenly the dude is on the ground screaming and covered in hundreds of giant red ants.

Psychopomp: just saying, if a Hermes kid had ended up accompanying Percy to the Underworld in TLT, they would’ve gotten in and out with ease. also, they can communicate with the dead (provided that they’re going to bring them to the Underworld)

god of fertility: i don’t need to say anything do i

in the spirit of the above bullet point, Hermes is also known for being a speedy dude… but you can’t be speedy without some stamina…

this ended on a shitpost-y kind of tone but i enjoyed making this thank you for coming to my ted talk

#riordanverse #hermes

70 notes · View notes

thedreadpiratevaldez · 13 hours

Text